


Through The Dark

by hddfic02



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Explicit Sexual Content, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, OT5 Friendship, Past Sexual Abuse, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Sexual Violence, Triggers, ziam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-06-04 09:20:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 53
Words: 174,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6652075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hddfic02/pseuds/hddfic02
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn left one direction and the boys have tried to pick up the pieces and reinvent the band. But three months later, Harry sees Zayn at a bar and there is an incident. Harry, Louis, Niall and Liam find out the real reason Zayn left and it shatters everything they thought they knew. Can they help and protect each other before things spiral more out of control?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have had this story in my mind for awhile and really needed to get it out. It's my first ever One Direction fan fiction. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE A TRIGGER WARNING! There is GRAPHIC descriptions of violence and rape/sexual abuse.  
> Here are some things that did or didn't happen in the universe of this story:  
> -There was no OTRA tour  
> -Zayn has no intentions of going solo  
> -Perrie & Zayn were never together. Their relationship just doesn't fit into this story. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy and thanks for reading :)

Zayn was seated at a private table in the corner of the room. He didn't really know why he was hanging out at this swanky bar in Greenwich Village, but here he was, so he was going to at least try to enjoy himself.

It had been a rough day; actually it'd been a rough three months. He left the band back in March. It had started to become too much for him, the fame, the time, the memories.

There were a lot of good memories, but they mixed in with the bad ones so tightly that they were beginning to blur together. It was just easier for Zayn to walk away. His “friends” were all out on the dance floor, not they were really his friends. He didn't have friends; these people are just… tag-a-longs. But, he was fine with that, he kind of like the solitude. He just liked sitting here, drinking his Jack & Coke all alone. He much preferred that to being out on the dance floor.

Zayn saw him almost instantly across the room, not that he was hard to miss. Beside himself, he shook his head. Of all places he had to come to, he had come to _this_ bar in the middle of New York friggin’ city, ‘ _you've got to be kidding me_ ,’ he thought to himself.

Harry Styles strode in with his magnetic energy and confidence. Zayn was always amazed at how easy being Harry Styles was for Harry Styles. He tried to sink deeper into the cushion behind him. He did not want Harry to see him.

He hadn't seen that guys since he had left the band; in fact, he had even spoken to any of them since he left. And, he could put all the blame on himself. Sure, they should've reached out, seen if he was okay, but he pretty much disappeared and made it obvious that he wanted to be left alone.

That was the one thing about leaving that ate away at him, the fact that those four guys that he thought of as his brothers, were now mere strangers. If he could do one thing different, he would take back the pain and the wall he put between them.

A thought washed over him that made him want to run from the room. What if Harry was being joined by one or the rest of the guys? What if they saw him? He just wasn't up for that. He didn't think he'd ever be up for that.

He shook off his thoughts as the waitress approached him at the table, “Can I get you anything else to drink?" she asked.

Zayn finished his drink in one quick swig, "Yeah, can I have another and two shots of tequila please?"

"Sure thing," she said.

Then, she was gone and he was back watching Harry at the bar. His back was to him and Zayn found himself figuring out a contingency plan just in case Harry turned and looked in his direction.

The waitress was back as quick as he had ever seen. Being a member of _One Direction_ , or former in his case, did have its advantages, it seemed. She set the drink and one of the shots down in front of him, turned and put the other shot across from him, as if for a companion. He appreciated the gesture, but they're both for him.

He waited for her to walk away. Shot. Drink. Shot. Drink. It burned the back of his throat and he could feel it spreading down his esophagus into his stomach. The effects are almost immediate in his blood stream and he could feel the warmth spreading all over his body, numbing him to everything. He was such a fucking mess… and a loser apparently. He was a supposed _Rockstar_ and here he was drinking alone.

Then, it happened so suddenly, Zayn couldn't really remember how it began. It was just… there he was standing at the bar next to Harry. He also had his back to him, but Zayn would know him anywhere.

He felt like all the oxygen was being pulled out of the room. His whole body was on fire but his blood was running cold. Why, why did he have to be here? When he left, he told himself he would never have to be in the same room with that man again. He told himself he would rather die than be in the same room with him again. It was just another lie he told himself.

Zayn was sure the room was shrinking because; somehow he could hear his laugh even over all these voice, all this music. It made him want to shrink away till he no longer existed. The laugh touched him in a place so deep he felt like his soul was leaking all over the floor.

Then he turned not all the way, but enough for Zayn to see his smile. His heart stopped. He almost vomited right there all over himself. He was helpless again. Zayn always hated how helpless he felt.

There was no order of events that Zayn can piece together. All he knew was that he reacted. At some point Barry reached over and put his hand on Harry’s lower back. Zayn’s skin crawled. He remembered the way that hand felt and he could almost feel it as it lingered on Harry.

“ _Zaynie, just relax…”_

He could hear his voice in his head; feel his breath on his neck…

Then he pulled Harry into a long tight embrace and Zayn couldn’t… he just couldn’t. He pushed himself out of his seat and all but ran over to the two figures. He gripped Barry’s shoulder and pulled him roughly away from Harry. No words left his mouth, all he did was reach back with all he had in him and punch him square in the face. All the anger, all the hatred he felt he let flow through his fist.

Nobody moved for a moment as Barry reached up and held his face. Zayn hoped he broke something. Harry look utterly confused until he looked over and locked eyes with Zayn. Then, he looked just as shocked as he was confused.

All at once, there was chaos. Zayn felt arms on him, bouncers, yelling and pulling him away from Barry… and Harry.

“Enough!” he heard one of them yell.

“We don’t tolerate any fighting. I don’t give a shit who you are kid!” another one said.

The warm June air swallowed him as they dragged him outside and finally let him go, “Get out of here!”

Zayn didn’t respond verbally, he just tried to push by them to get back inside. He didn’t even know why he was trying to get back in there so bad. Pride maybe? God, he just wanted another drink!

“Get out of here NOW! Or I’m calling the cops!” one of them yelled still pushing him back.

He went to push again, he was just so drunk and so… fucking messed up. He barely even noticed when a hand reach out, grabbing his arm forcefully trying to yanking him in the other direction. He shrugged it off of him, ignoring it.

He felt the hand grab him again and he heard a voice, “Zayn! ZAYN! Stop!”

He knew that voice. He finally turned and saw Harry standing there, looking at him sternly. “Stop,” he repeated softer.

And Zayn did stop. He just stopped all the rage and fight out of his body.

“Harry…” was all he could get out.

Harry looked at him for a moment before speaking, “What… what was all that? What the hell happened in there?”

“I… I… just snapped…” his head was spinning, what the fuck had he done?

“Zayn, what the hell… that is not you…?”

Zayn just stared at Harry before reaching forward and gripping Harry around the neck. He pressed his lips onto Harry’s.

Harry stiffened before forcing him away, “WHAT THE FUCK! I’m with Lou… you know that,” he yelled his eyes wild.

Zayn had no idea why he did that, but now all he wanted to do was run.  He wanted to turn and run far away from here. Instead, he tried to walk back towards the door to the bar.

“No Zayn!” Harry stopped him again, “they WILL arrest you. You need to stop!”

“I need a drink… I need like ten drinks,” he babbled.

“You can’t go in there!”

Zayn yanked his arm from Harry’s gripped and took off down the street, lighting a cigarette and walking as fast as he could, hoping to lose Harry. But he should know better, with his long legs he could keep up with anyone.

“Zayn, what is going on? Would you stop for one BLOODY second!!!”

Zayn ignored him as he ducked into some random bar. But, losing Harry wasn’t that easy. So, Zayn just forced himself up to the bar.

“If you’re going to follow me than… you want a drink?” he asked not turning his head.

Harry shook his head, confusion in his eyes, “No I don’t want a drink. I want you to tell me what the fuck is going on! This is…” he couldn’t even wrap his brain around what this was, “Zayn, come on!”

Zayn just ignored him grabbing the bartenders attention, “My friend and I want two shots of patron.”

“Zayn, I don’t…” Harry stated.

“He doesn’t know that. So I’ll drink it.”

When the bartender brought them back, Zayn took both shots in his hands, “To us, to our friendship!” he said downing both shots back to back.

“Zayn, seriously!” Harry pleaded, seeing that this was insane. Something wrong, he could tell something was really wrong.

Zayn ignored him asking for two more shots, which he downed almost before the bartender finished putting them down. It took a few minutes to hit him, but when it did it rendered him completely incapacitated.

“Soooo…. Horrey…” Zayn slurred as he tried to lean against the bar, almost falling to the floor.

“Okay Zayn, that’s enough, we’re done here!”

Harry leaned forward and threw the first bill he could find in his wallet onto the bar and hooked his arm under Zayn, pulling him to his feet. He was expecting Zayn to fight him, but he just let himself be picked up, leaning all his weight onto Harry.

“Come on mate, we’re going to go home now. Can you tell where are you staying?” Harry asked gently.

Zayn just leaned his head on Harry’s shoulder, “I’m sorr.. Horry. I’m sooo Sorr…” he slurred, his voice sad and defeated.

“It’s okay Zayn, it is,” Harry cooed, “but I got to get you home. I need you to tell me where you are staying?”

“Sorr…” he mumbled again his face buried into Harry’s shoulder.

Harry sighed, realizing this was a lost cause. Zayn was way too drunk to answer his questions and he really shouldn’t be left alone. He had no choice but to take him back to his hotel for the night. He hailed a cab, pushing Zayn in first before crawling in after him.

“Where to?” the driver asked.

“Plaza Hotel.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! There is a GRAPHIC description of RAPE in this chapter. PLEASE DO NOT READ if you have a trigger! Otherwise, thanks for reading. I hope you enjoy!

Zayn opened his eyes and closed them back up almost immediately. He felt like an elephant had been sitting on his skull. The sun was beating in and it made his skin hurt. It occurred to him that this is what it must feel like to be a vampire.

As he laid there, he tried to remember the night before, but it hurt too hard to think. There was a melodic voice in the distance speaking softly but he couldn't quite make out what it was saying, at first, but then the voice came closer.

"I don't know what's going on… Yes I know… I will talk to him as soon as he wakes up, okay?"

Zayn recognized that voice, but his head was pounding so hard he couldn't bring himself to figure it out.

"Okay Louis… I love you too, bye," Harry, he recognized the voice and it was Harry.

And last night came back to him like a bucket of ice water poured over his head. Before Zayn could wrap his brain around everything that had transpired, Harry appeared in the doorway.

His big green eyes were staring into Zayn's golden ones, "Morning."

Zayn wasn't quite sure what he should say, but thankfully Harry continued before he had to, "There's Tylenol, coffee and breakfast on the nightstand, three things to help your hangover."

Zayn looked over and sure enough there was a big coffee, bottle of pills and a McDonald's bag staring back at him.

"I got you two bacon egg and cheese biscuits. I like greasy food after I drink too much."

Zayn sat up slowly, grabbing the McDonald's bag almost out of reflex. He wasn't hungry but he was starving all at the same time.

He pulled the sandwich out of the bag and took one bite before stopping and looking up at Harry again, "You remembered my order."

Harry gave him a small smile, "Of course I did, we were together more than we weren’t for over four years. You don’t just forget these things."

Zayn wanted to run from the room. There was so much he wished they knew, so many things they didn't understand.

Harry opened his mouth to speak again but his phone started ringing. He looked down at it, "Hey, I'll let you eat while I get this, but I think we should talk after."

Zayn nodded but wasn’t really agreeing to anything. His stomach was doing somersaults. When he was alone, he reached over and opened the bottle of Tylenol. He put three pills in his hand, drowning them with a swig of coffee. He finished the sandwich in four more bites before laying back and closing his eyes. He suddenly felt so nauseous.

He prayed Harry wouldn't come back; maybe, just maybe someone had called him demanding to see him right away. Then, Zayn could slip away and disappear from Harry's life again.

His prayers were left unanswered as Harry walked back in the room. They both were silent before Harry began to speak, "So… Do you remember last night at all?"

Zayn silently pleaded with Harry to drop it, to leave it be. Please don't make him go down this road. But, Harry wasn't having it. Instead of leaving, he came and sat down on the foot of the bed.

"Sorry," Zayn said finding his voice, "I didn't mean to kiss you. It just kind a happened."

"It's fine…"

"Did you tell Louis?" Zayn interrupted.

"No, you know how he can be. I thought it was best that I don't say anything just yet. But, I wasn't talking about the kiss Zayn. I figured that was just the alcohol. I want to know, if you remember punching Barry Anderson in the face."

Just hearing his name made Zayn tense up and grip the top of the comforter as if it were his lifeline.

"Yea..." He barely croaked out.

Worry fell over Harry's eyes. But before he could say anything else, a wave of panic washed over Zayn.

"What were you both doing at that bar Harry?"

Harry was confused but answered anyway, "He called me and invited me for a drink.”

"He called you?" Zayn’s asked.

Harry looked confused by the line of questioning, "Yeah, he said we should get some drinks and maybe work on some music after."

Zayn sat up straight, gripping the comforter tighter. Harry could see the intensity in his eyes almost like he was having a manic episode. He had no idea where this was going. Zayn felt like he might collapse.

When he had left the band, he told himself that it was okay to think of himself for once. Zayn had made himself believe that the other guys would be safe and now, he realized they were never safe. Nobody was ever going to be safe around Barry.

“Harry, what exactly did he say?" Zayn was sure he already knew the answer, but he knew he had to hear it from Harry.

Harry humored him, "Well, he ask me to have drinks and then maybe go back to his hotel after to work on some music. We're going to be making a new album. He's working on it with us again."

“Harry, you have to promise me that you will NEVER go back to his hotel room, EVER!” Zayn said reaching forward and gripping Harry’s wrist.

“Zayn?!”

Harry was shocked by Zayn’s action.

“I’m serious Harry. You can NEVER be alone with him!”

The statement hang in the air for a moment before Zayn felt himself pulled towards a memory.

 

_There was a knock on Zayn's hotel room door. The 18-year-old looked over at his phone and the time said 1:15 AM. He had no idea who it could be. They knocked again and he got up to open it._

_“Barry, what are you doing here?" Barry Anderson, the big shot music producer, was standing outside the door with guitar in hand._

_“I was just working on some music and I came up with this idea that I had to talk to you about. I know it's late but can I come in?"_

_“Umm… We just spent like two hours in the studio, is it really that important?"_

_Barry laughed and shrugged his shoulders, "I won't be able to sleep if I don't get this out of my brain." Zayn, against his better judgment, stepped aside and let him in his room._

 

"Zayn, are you alright?"   

He could barely hear Harry over the images replaying in his mind.

 

_"Man that was awesome. You have one hell of a voice." Zayn blushed as Barry put down the guitar._

_They fell into a silence that was making him more uncomfortable by the second. They had finished working on the music, but Zayn didn’t know why Barry wasn’t attempting to leave?_

_Almost as if on cue, he spoke, "You look a little tense, what's up?"_

_Zayn didn't really know how to respond so he just shrugged shoulders._

_"Here, let me loosen you up a little bit."_

_Zayn had never really understood what people were saying when they said their skin was crawling, until right at that moment. Barry's hands came down on his shoulders unexpectedly and started digging in, massaging him. Zayn tensed instantly trying to push his hands away._

_"Hey, hey, calm down, just relax."_

_Zayn tried to relax. I mean, this was Barry Anderson one of the biggest producers in the music business. So what if he wanted to massage his shoulders, so what if it was making him uncomfortable. He tried to push the feelings away, but after another minute it just felt too weird. He got up from his seat, Barry’s hands falling off of him._

_"Hey Barry listen, this what great, but… I'm tired and I need to get some sleep. Do you mind going?"_

_Barry stared at Zayn with an unreadable expression. Then, it happened so suddenly, Zayn was taken by complete surprise. Barry was like a lion being let out of his cage and Zayn was his prey._

_He jumped up from his seat and tackled him onto the bed._

_"What the…?" Zayn said as panic washed over him._

_He tried with all his might to wiggle away, slide out from underneath him. He tried whatever he could do to get away. His mind still wasn’t comprehending what was happening._

_Barry grabbed his wrists and forced them above his head._

_He brought his face inches from Zayn’s, "Do you know how fucking beautiful you are? God you're such a beautiful boy."_

_It was right than that Zayn realized what Barry wanted and he felt terror like he'd never felt before. He thrashed his body and pushed his wrist up against Barry stronger hand._

_"Please," he begged._

_"Ohh, you're a fighter, I love that!"_

_Barry adjusted his hands so he was now holding both of Zayn’s hands in just one of his. He reached down and undid his own belt and pants._

_Zayn’s breathing started to come out in short gasps, "Please, please I'll do anything. Please don't do this!"_

_Barry reached down and gripped Zayn's face with his free hand, squeezing his jaw._

_It made Zayn whimper in pain, "Oh yeah, you'll do anything, anything I fucking tell you to do!"_

_When he let him go, he swiftly flipped him over. It happened so fast, that Zayn didn't even realize till he was on his stomach. It hit him then that he wasn't getting out of this. He knew what was going to happen to him._

_He became silent as Barry reach for the waistband of his pants, pulling them down. Barry’s free hand cupped and kneaded his bare bottom. Zayn squeezed his eyes shut letting his silent tears finally fall from his eyes._

_"I can't wait to be inside you. I’m gonna tear you apart." Barry whispered in his ear._

_Zayn squeezed his eyes shut tighter, trying to block everything out. It was all just too much for him. He actually found himself hoping Barry would just kill him. That would be easier than this._

_Barry positioned himself between Zayn’s legs, forcing them open. Then, he gripped Zayn's hair tightly, yanking his head back so far Zayn thought he might snap in half._

_"Why are you so silent all of a sudden? I’ve heard you hit those high notes when you sing. I’m gonna make you hit them for me."_

_Silence was Zayn's one defense, so he didn't say a word. Blinding hot pain went through the left side of his body and it took him a few seconds to realize that Barry had sunk his teeth into his shoulder. There was no stopping the yelp that escaped his lips and the sob that followed._

_"There we go, that's what I was waiting for…"_

_Zayn's face was forced back into the bed, pressing into the mattress as more sobs escaped him. Seconds later, he felt like he was being ripped in two. But it went deeper than that. He felt the violation ripping apart is soul._

_As Barry forced himself inside his body, Zayn began hyperventilating and thrashing underneath him. He was doing anything he could to get away. Barry's hands found his hips groping him so tightly that there were deep purple marks for a week._

_"Zaynie, just relax" he whispered, hot breath on his neck, as he began to push in and out of Zayn._

 

"Zayn!" Harry's voice yelled as he gripped his shoulders and shook him.

Zayn's eyes had glassed over and he seemed lost in his brain. But Harry's outburst seemed to shake him out of it. Zayn looked into Harry's terrified eyes and he could feel his own terror running through his body as what Barry had done to him continued to play in his brain.

It was too much for him to bear, "I think I'm going to be sick."

Zayn jumped from the bed and ran into the bathroom. Violently ill was an understatement of what was happening. He felt like his organs were trying to force their way out of his mouth.

Harry followed Zayn into the bathroom at almost the same speed. He’d never been so worried in his life. He watched as Zayn's body shook from head to toe as he vomited. It quickly became clear that Zayn was also having a panic attack. Harry approached with caution, knowing that something was very wrong.

He dropped to his knees next to Zayn and put his hand softly on his back; it didn't go unnoticed the way Zayn body stiffened at the contact.

"Hey, it's okay," Harry soothed, "Just breath. Let it come up and breath."

After several minutes Zayn's breathing seemed to calm down a little, and he fell back from the toilet. Harry quickly filled a glass with water and handed it to Zayn as he came back on the floor. He crawled closer and was positioned himself right in front of him.

"Zayn, what happened? What’s going on?”

Harry knew something was seriously wrong. He had known Zayn for so long and never seen him like this. Zayn lifted his head up and stared into Harry’s eyes. He had told himself he would take his secret to the grave, but now he was sitting on a cold hotel bathroom floor with his defenses down. He never thought it would slip from his lips so easily.

"Barry had sex with me."

That was the only way he could describe what Barry had done. To call it by what it really was, was something Zayn couldn’t bring himself to do. He hated _that_ word.  

Whatever Harry had been expecting Zayn to tell him, that was not it. He was not prepared for that and he felt like he might vomit too. This couldn't be real. He didn’t want this to be real, but as he looked at the broken boy sitting in front of him, he knew this was very real.

Harry dragged himself next to Zayn and gently wrapped his arm around him. Almost instantly, Harry felt Zayn’s head touch his shoulder.

“Did he… have sex with you more than once?” Harry asked softly.

“More times that I can count…”

Zayn admitted squeezing his eyes shut trying to block out all the memories of those encounters. He remembered every horrible second of every one of them.

Harry’s arm pulled him a little tighter, “How come you never told us, Zayn? How come you never told us he was hurting you?”

Harry would have done anything to stop it. The thought of Zayn having to go through this all alone was like a punch to the gut.

“I was so embarrassed… and terrified. He threatened me… told me if I ever told anyone he would hurt one of you guys. I couldn’t let him do that!”

Zayn knew he had essentially sacrificed himself for the other boys, but as far as he was concerned there wasn’t any other option. How would he have lived with himself if his failure to play along lead to one of them getting hurt?

A feeling of disgust washed over Harry as he remembered how they had gotten here. Zayn had seen Barry and him at the bar. Barry wanted to bring Harry back to his room after. The blood in Harry’s body turned to icicles. But it Harry pushed it away quickly; this was about Zayn, not him. Zayn was the real victim. Zayn needed him.  

“That’s the real reason I left the band. I knew we were going to make another album and I would have to work with him again. I just couldn’t do it anymore.” Harry noticed the emotionless tone to Zayn’s voice. His voice only cracking on ‘anymore’.

He realized this might all be too much for Zayn. He must be shutting down to try to deal with all of it. Harry leaned his own head down and rested it on top of Zayn’s, “I am so sorry you’ve been dealing with this all alone. I wish you would have told me, told any of us. We would have stopped it. We would have done anything to help you.”

Zayn didn’t say anything; he stayed silent from his spot on Harry’s shoulder. Harry knew what he had to do. It might not go over well, but he had to try.

“This might not be my place and I’m so sorry if it’s not, but… I think you need to tell the rest of the guys about this…”

Zayn pulled his body away from Harry quickly, “What?”

Why would he do something like that? Why would he ever share his secret with them now? He lived with abuse he was experiencing for four years and never uttered a word. Why would he do it now?

 “Zayn, I think they have a right to know why you really left. I think you deserve to have the heat off of you,” he paused and played with the ring on his finger. His mind thinking back to the what ifs of last night,  “Zayn, he invited me for drinks and back to his hotel room last night. If you hadn’t been there…” Harry trailed off, his throat turning dry at the implications.

Harry waited to him to say something, but when he didn’t, he continued, “Zayn, do you really believe he would have done something to me in his hotel room?”

“Yea, he would have forced himself on you. I’m sure of it.”

The lack of emotion in Zayn’s voice was scaring Harry. He needed to convince him to talk to the guys and maybe they could all figure out a way to get him the help he obviously needed.

“If he tried it on me, what makes you think he’s not going to try it any of them. I really think you need to tell them so they know what they’re up against.”

Zayn knew Harry was right. Barry was a sadistic pervert. He knew Barry was probably fuming inside that his chance to get Harry alone was ripped away from him. God only knows what he might try to do. He didn’t want too, but he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if something happened to any of them and he could have done something to stop it.

“I’ll talk to them if you want Harry, but… I don’t think they’re really going to care about me.”

Harry pulled Zayn tentatively in for a hug, “Are you kidding me? Of course they’ll care.”

Liam crossed Zayn’s mind as he let the embrace happen, “Liam probably won’t come…”

Harry squeezed him tighter, acknowledging the pain in his voice at mention of Liam.

“He will come. They all will and they’ll want to hear what you have to say.” Harry assured him, “We're going to help you.”

Zayn wanted to believe him. He wanted to believe that Liam would put his anger aside to hear him out, but he knew life didn’t always work out like that. And he wanted to believe that they could help him, but he knew he was already too damaged for that.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for reading, it mean a lot!!! I hope you enjoy this next Chapter :)

                Zayn sat on the bed and stared at the blank wall. Harry had practically carried him off the floor and into the bedroom, telling him he couldn’t stay there. It wasn’t good for his back.

                Harry wasted no time saying he was going to go and make those phone calls to Louis and Niall and Liam. He should have known that Harry wouldn’t put it off, that wasn’t in his nature.

                Zayn couldn’t believe he let his secret out. His secret, that was so interwoven in his being that he now felt exposed and naked, like the whole world could see right into his gigantic fucked up soul.

                “Lou, I… I can’t tell you what it’s about, all I can tell you is we all NEED to talk. This is bigger than any of us.”

                Zayn knew Louis would listen to Harry, especially after he put it like that. Louis would trust Harry with his life, so he sure as hell would trust him with a cryptic phone call.

                “Thank-you Lou.... No I’m okay. Seriously Lou, I’m okay… I’ll explain it all tomorrow. We’re going to be on the first flight to L.A.” There was an extended silence before Harry continued, “I love you so much, Louis.”

                Zayn closed his eyes and tried to shut out the world. His head was pounding and he still felt sick to his stomach, especially now that there was nothing in it. He just kept wishing he could crawl inside his own body and hide away.

                Harry’s voice traveled back into the bedroom again, “No… no one is dying… I promise. I can’t tell you, but I promise tomorrow we are all going to sit down and talk and everything will make sense. I will email you a time once I get us on a flight… Thanks Mate.”

                Zayn knew Niall would put up no fight. He was the happiest person he knew. His laugh was infectious, his personality contagious. The thought of telling Niall his secrets especially the ones that involved Niall made Zayn’s stomach turn a little more. Niall was such a pure spirit; Zayn didn’t want to tarnish it.

                  He waited anxiously to hear Harry’s voice again, because he knew who was next on Harry’s phone call list. Just thought of that made his chest hurt. Liam wasn’t going to come no matter what Harry told him, Zayn was sure of it.

They had been so close and Zayn just left with no explanation. It only made things worse when Zayn ignored all the phone calls, texts, even e-mails from Liam. He just had to cut all ties. It was all or nothing for Zayn. Everything, even Liam, was just a reminder of it all and _that_ was the worse thing for him. He missed him so much.

                “Liam this is serious…” he heard Harry say, “That is really NOT nice… No, we HAVE to talk... No there isn't another option!”

                There was a long pause and Zayn figured Liam was throwing words around; he could be quite a prick when he wanted to be.

                “Please… I’m asking you as my friend Liam, this is important. Please?”

                There was silence and Zayn wondered how bad it would hurt when Harry told him Liam said no. He wouldn’t feel surprised though, that’s for sure.

                “Thank-you Liam, I will let you know the time once I book my flight.”

                Zayn heard Harry’s footsteps coming closer to him and debated whether or not he should open his eyes. Sometimes he wondered what it would be like to never open his eyes again.

                Harry cleared his voice as he entered the room, testing to see if Zayn was asleep or not. He looked so peaceful laying there until he opened his eyes and they connected with his. Harry saw the pain cemented in them and knew he had to do whatever he could to help Zayn. He, no, _they_ owed him that much.

                “They are all coming.” he told Zayn.

                “Liam really didn’t want to... I told you he didn’t care about me,” Harry looked at him in surprise, “I heard you on the phone.”

                “It wasn’t like that Zayn. He was just…”

                “You don’t have to make excuses for him, or anyone of them for that matter. I knew what to expect. I don’t blame them.”

                Harry looked like he wanted to say something but he just gave him a soft smile, “I’m get going on getting us on a flight out to LA. Louis and I still have a house there, so you can stay with us for as long as you need. We'll swing by your hotel for your stuff on the way to the airport. Why don’t you nap or try to rest while I take care of this?” he told Zayn gently.

                Zayn appreciated how much he was trying, he really did, but he didn’t have as much faith as Harry apparently did that this was all going to work out.

                “Ok,” he responded having nothing better to say as Harry left the room.

                Zayn was going to try and rest, but he was scared of what might meet him in his dreams.

************

                “So , you’re really not going to tell me what’s up?” Zayn heard Louis say as he stopped half way down the steps.

                He and Harry had caught a redeye out of New York the night before and didn’t land in L.A. till well into the morning. Zayn had never been more thankful to just lock himself away in their guest room until morning.

                “I told you ten thousand times Lou, it’s not my place to tell you. Niall’s apparently been in L.A. and Liam’s flight landed last night, so they should be here soon. We will talk then.”

                Zayn heard Louis sigh and go quiet before he decided to continue down the steps. He wasn’t thinking about what facing Louis was going to be like. It was hard for him to really think about anything, if he was being honest.

                He walked into the kitchen with his head down and felt both Harry and Louis’ eyes on him, Louis more so.

“Morning,” Harry said trying to cut the tension that had filled the room.

                “Morning,” Zayn mumbled, head still down.

                Silence enveloped them again as Zayn grabbed the cup of coffee Harry handed him. Finally, in what seemed like years to Zayn, Louis cleared his throat, “Hello Zayn,” he said with sassiness that only Louis could.

                It forced Zayn to look up and lock eyes with his once close friend. Louis eyes were hard and bore into him, but almost as quickly as their eyes connected, Louis's softened.

“Hi Lou,” his voice barely audible.

                “You can help yourself to anything Zayn, encase you’re hungry or something,” Louis told him, his tone much gentler.

                Zayn nodded and tried to smile, “Thanks, but I’m good with the coffee.”

                Things grew quiet again and all three boys were thankful when the doorbell rang, interrupting the awkwardness. Zayn’s happiness was short lived when he realized that there was a fifty percent chance that Liam could be on the other side of that door. How was he going to actually face him? He was well aware of how bad he had hurt Liam.

                “Hey!” he heard Niall’s voice carry through the house and Zayn’s nerves calmed just a little. The blonde came stampeding into the kitchen carrying a dish of something. Zayn chuckled; he had forgotten how much Niall like to cook.

                “Hey Zayn,” he said with a smile as he came over and wrapped his arms around Zayn, “I’ve missed you. It's really good to see you.”

                It was only temporary, but the welcoming feeling Niall’s words gave him made him feel good, “It’s good to see you too,” he croaked out.

                “I brought food. I wasn’t sure if anyone was going to be hungry but figure we might want lunch.”

                Zayn had forgotten just how kind Niall was, how innocent of a soul he carried. Seeing the carefree love of life in Niall, reminded him why he suffered the way he did. They were safe and if nothing else, he protected Niall from the evil that exists in this world. Maybe that would help him sleep at night.

                Another ring of the doorbell washed away any of the positivity Zayn was feeling because he knew it was Liam. This was going to be really good or really bad and Zayn knew the answer to that.

                A moment later, Liam came into the kitchen, his sunglasses seated on his face. Even with the tinted frames, Zayn could feel his hard stare bearing into him. He stood stone still a few seconds longer than was normal before looking over at Harry.

                “Well… I flew 10 hours for this, let’s get this over with!”

                Louis turned and narrowed his eyes, ready to mouth off to Liam about snapping at Harry, when Harry opened his mouth first. “Why don’t we all sit down and we can talk.”

                Zayn, who was the closest to the table, took the first seat and stared out the window across from him. Harry and Louis took the seats to his right and Niall, complete with a plate of food, took a seat to his left. Liam was the last to sit down. He sat directly across from him. His sunglasses still on and the glare of his eyes still intense.

                “Liam, I made lunch for us if you’re hungry,” Niall said gesturing to his plate, obviously trying to cut the tension.

                “Of course you did…” Liam spit at him.

                Niall was obviously insulted by Liam’s harsh tone and his face quickly turned red, “Hey, I cook when I get nervous, you guys know that…”

                Liam just snorted in response as he leaned back further into his chair, crossing his arms and his eyes locking on to Zayn again.

                “Cut the crap Liam,” Louis finally snapped, “What the bloody hell is your problem? And why are you taking it on poor Niall?”

                “My problem is, is that I was forced to get on a plane and fly half way across the world to have sit down across the table from _him_ and hear some bullshit tale about why he really left.  I've drawn my own conclusions about why he left, so whatever he wants to tell us, well... I don’t really give shit!”

                Liam’s words were like venom to Zayn, he could almost feel them leaving actual imprints on his skin. He was expecting this but it didn’t make the blow any easier.

                “Oh stop being such a wanker! Harry asked us all to be here and I KNOW he would never ask us that unless he had a really good reason.”

                “Harry could tell you run into a burning building and you would think it was good idea,” Liam threw back.

                Louis leaned forward and narrowed his eyes, “I’m not fucking playing, stop being a prick. Zayn obviously has something he wants to share with us and… you know what, I think I can speak for the rest of us when I say I want to hear him out. So sit down, shut up and for god-fucking-sakes Liam, take your bloody sunglasses off!”

                Liam didn't respond and Zayn anxiously waited for Liam to open his mouth again, which would certainly cause world war III to erupt at the table. But instead, Liam just leaned forward and took of his sunglasses. His now bare eyes were stone cold and glaring at Zayn.

“Well…” he said gesturing Zayn to start talking.

                Zayn, who had just watched this whole thing go down in horror, felt like his vocal chords were locked up. He didn’t know if he could say hi, let alone what Harry was expecting him to share. He swallowed hard and took meager glances around the table, all four pairs of eyes on him.

                “Zayn, it’s okay, just tell them what you told me,” Harry said softly from his right.

                What he told Harry? What exactly had he told Harry? He had implied enough that Harry got the picture of what Barry had done, but he had never actually told him what really happened over those four years. How the hell was he supposed to sit here and just throw that out onto the table for these guys to ingest? But now that they were sitting here, how could he not?

He closed his eyes and took a shallow breathe, “Uhhh… I… ummm… I... slept with Barry Anderson…”

                The words stung his tongue as soon as he said them as nausea washed over him once again. All eight eyes were now wearing unreadable expressions, or maybe Zayn was just too overwhelmed to try.

                “Zayn… that’s not what you told me,” Harry whispered softly.

                Zayn turned his head and met his eyes. Couldn’t Harry see the pain that was in his? Couldn’t Harry just leave it be? Couldn't he tell that he wanted to crawl out of his own skin?

                The other three guys at the table said nothing letting the silence come down on Zayn like a mallet, “Fine,” he blurted out, “I slept with him on multiple occasions.”

                “No Zayn, you told me ‘he had sex _with you_.’ You implied that he forced you…”

                “Stop it Harry!” Zayn said clinch his fist as tight as he was clinching his eyes shut.

He couldn’t deal with where he was going with this. Even after everything Barry had put him through, Zayn had a hard time acknowledging just what _that_ was.

“No, you didn’t have to say it for me to know what you meant. Barry raped…”

Zayn’s fist came down hard on the granite table as his voice battled with the boom it caused, “NO!” he screamed, standing up, “STOP IT! Do not use that word! Don’t you dare use that word. I am well aware of what he did to me without having to use _that_ word!”

All four boys sat frozen in place, color drained from their faces. How could this be happening?

“I really need some air…” Zayn told them as he turned and stormed out of the kitchen.

No one said anything for a long time, each boy too wrapped up in this horrific revelation to really do anything else.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me a little longer to update. It took me longer than I was expecting to edit this Chapter. Please be aware that this chapter has GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS of RAPE and VIOLENCE. I really hope you enjoy this Chapter!

                The four boys sat in heavy silence as the implications of Zayn’s outburst sunk in. Harry was no less horrified hearing it now then he was hearing it on the bathroom floor. How did this happen and none of them ever had any idea? How?

                Louis was just as horrified as he was furious. This was Zayn, his closest confidant, besides Harry of course, and he had been suffering alone. The feeling of rage was growing in his chest as images of what Barry had done to his friend crossed his mind. His fist clinched as he tried to keep the feeling in his chest a bay. It wasn’t until Harry placed a gentle hand on his leg that he realized his leg was bouncing up and down.

                Niall pushed the plate of food away, feeling like he might throw up all over the table. He placed his face in his hands and reminded himself to breath as he let small pieces of information come together in his head. Zayn was raped. Someone they knew and trusted had raped Zayn and got away with it. He didn’t know how to handle this. How do you handle something like this?

                Liam stared at the empty seat that Zayn once occupied. There was an aching in his chest that was so strong, he wondered if he was having a heart attack. He felt like he might cry and scream all at the same time. Zayn was his BEST friend. They were inseparable. They shared everything, they had no secrets, or so Liam thought. But apparently, there had been one big terrible secret. What kind of best friend was he that he didn’t even notice what happened to Zayn? How did he let him suffer on his own like this?

                “Jesus Fucking Christ,” Louis said rubbing his hands over his face.

                He was the first one to say anything since Zayn had left the room and it seemed to shake all of them out of their own heads.

                “What the fuck, guys?” Niall said, his voice breaking as the tears filling his eyes threatened to spill over.

                No one knew what to say, so they let the silence engulfed them again.

                “I have to go to talk to him. I… I can’t let him go through this alone anymore…” Liam forced out, his voice tight, desperation in eyes.

Louis reached out and put his hand on top of Liam’s, “We all go talk to him, Liam. We will all do this together.”

                Liam nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat, trying to gather himself before going to Zayn.

                A few minutes later Liam walked quietly into the living room and his eyes feel on Zayn.  He was sitting on the windowsill staring out into the backyard. The other guys were scattered behind him. No one said anything because they weren’t really sure what to say.

                “You guys don’t have to just stand there like statues, ya know?” Zayn said as he turned and looked right into Liam’s eyes.

                Liam felt like his heart was in a vice. Zayn’s eyes conveyed so much sadness; he couldn’t fathom how he had never seen it before.

                “Zayn,” he started, “We need to talk…”

                Zayn let out a heavy breath and looked down at his hands, “I’m sure you guys have a lot of questions.”

                “We just want to make sure you’re okay. You don’t have to tell us anything you don’t want to…” Harry pitched in.

                Zayn appreciated Harry’s attempt, but he knew he had already said too much to just drop the story now. He had already opened the flood gates.

                “Why don’t you sit down or something, it’s story time.”

                The four boys exchanged nervous glances at Zayn’s attempt at a joke. The lack of emotion in his voice was obvious.

                It wasn’t that Zayn wasn’t in pain. One second of a memory about Barry was enough to put him in agony. But now, with it all coming back at once it was just too much. Shutting it off was so much easier then feeling it.

                “Harry was right,” he told them softly, but blunt, “Barry did force me to have sex with him.”

                He heard the sharp intake of breath come from Liam and turned and looked at him.

“When?” Liam barely whispered, his eyes darker than usual.

                Zayn let out a singular chuckle and bit his lip, “All the time…”

                Zayn didn’t dear to meet anyone’s eyes, but if he did, he would seen the horror running through all four pairs.

                Liam, who was the only one still standing, stumbled over to the windowsill Zayn was seated on and sat down at the other end.

“How, how did this happen? How did we not know?”

                “He was good, that’s how. He made sure it happened when we were alone and he was careful where he left… ” Zayn trailed off the last word as it got stuck in his throat, “Marks…” he said forcing it out.

                “Bloody fucking hell…” Louis blurted out, Zayn’s word making his blood run cold.

                “Besides, he threatened me. He told me that he would go after one of you guys if I ever said anything. He said he had pull, no one would listen to me and he would do… those things… to one of you. I was already damaged. I couldn’t let that happen.”

                The words hung over them for an extended moment as they tried to process all of this information.

                “You didn’t have to do that Zayn. You didn’t have to put yourself through something like that for me, for any of us.” Liam told him, feeling guilt spread through his veins.

                “But I did Li, I couldn’t… the things he did to me, no one should have to experience that.”

                The silence came again only to be broken by Niall this time, “Tell us what happened Zayn. I… we need to know what happened to you.”

                The pleading in Niall’s voice, the concern on his face, was enough to keep Zayn from protesting. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and continued.

                “The first time it… the first time Barry had sex with me was when we were recording _Up All Night_. We had spent a few hours in the studio just me and him and then he just showed up at my hotel room in the middle of the night. He told me it was about an idea for one of the songs and it couldn’t wait… so… I let him in.” he paused and pushed away the memory of Barry’s hands, before taking a deep breath and continuing, “We did work on a song, but when I asked him to leave… he… attacked me…”

                Zayn felt himself start to shake. Liam noticed almost instantly and scooted closer. He placed a soft hand on Zayn’s leg. He normally didn’t like physical contact unprovoked but he felt calmer with Liam, always had.

                “He held me down… pulled my pants off… and had sex with me…” Zayn closed his eyes and let his thoughts spew out of his mouth, “It hurt so bad. I mean… he didn’t… he just forced himself inside me. I had never… I could barely walk the next day.”

                Liam’s hand squeezed his thigh as he dropped his head. He heard Harry mumble something under his breathe across the room.

                “I told myself that maybe he was drunk or high or maybe it was just a huge mistake. I told myself maybe I gave him the wrong idea, ya know? Which I don’t know how, I begged him to stop. I told myself that I would try to forget it, I would just pretend like it didn’t happen. But then… like five days later… he showed up my hotel room again in the middle of the night.”

                Zayn closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He wished remembering could be easier, but it hurt just as bad.

“Hey, just breath…” Liam’s soft voice cooed, “Are you okay?”

                “Yeah, I’m fine,” Zayn said as much to himself as he was too Liam.

                “God , that was a bad night,” he shook his head, “I… I went to the door and looked out the peep hole and I saw his face. I wasn’t about to let him in. I knew what he was there for. I remember I walked as quietly as I could back to my bed. If I didn’t make too much noise, maybe he would think I wasn’t there.  But then, I heard the door… click open…”

                Zayn stopped as he was overcome with images of Barry storming into the room, ripping the blanket off of him. He remembered the rage he saw in the man’s eyes as he pulled him from the bed and wrapped a hand around his throat as he held him against the wall. The sick twisted lust that covered his face as Zayn’s hands pried at the large one around his neck. _‘You get me so hard when you fight…’_

                Zayn was falling to deep into the flashback to realize his hand had instinctively went to his throat pulling at Barry’s imaginary hand. Niall gasped in horror at the personal moment they were all witnessing. It felt like they were intruding of something they were never supposed to see.

                “Zayn!” Harry called out and Liam moved even closer and placed his hand on his back.

                 He turned his head slowly and caught eyes with Liam, bring him slowly back into focus.

                “I’m sorry… I…”

                “It’s okay Zayn, it’s okay. You don’t have to…” he soothed, but Zayn just protested forcing himself to keep going.

                “It’s fine. I’m fine. I just… I get lost in it sometimes. Anyway… he attacked me again. You see, he got a key to my room. Said he always got what he wanted and he could get a key to any of our rooms. If I knew what was good for me, next time he knocks I better open the damn door or he would just go next store to Niall’s room.”

All eyes looked at Niall whose face turned to shock and disgusted, but he stayed silent.

“He pulled me out of bed… held me against the wall and shoved himself inside me. That was really bad. I hadn’t healed completely from the first time… so… there was a lot of blood.”

                All their stomachs turned. Liam flexed his fingers against Zayn’s back, trying to keep his rage at bay.

                “He was pissed about the blood being on his dick, maybe the fucker should have worn a condom. He never did…”

                Louis and Harry’s hands found each other and they squeezed one another tightly. Both of them, scared to open their mouths, having no idea what would come out.

                “Beat the crap out of me after and he got so turned on by it… He did me again… I think I passed out from the pain before he finished.”

                Zayn could still feel that pain. He was sure he carried it with him every day. He would always feel that pain.

                “When I woke up the next morning, I realized he hadn’t made some kind of mistake. Barry didn’t have a lack of judgment. He knew what he was doing and he wasn’t going to stop. So it continued till the album was done. I thought okay now I’m free of him. He’ll just go and I can pretend it never happened. But then… he fucking showed up on tour. I thought I still might be safe you know. We didn’t spend too much time in hotels after all, but I was wrong. He would just make me give him a blowjob in some bathroom or screw me in some closet.”

                “Zayn this is horrible. This is the worst thing that I have ever heard in my entire life. Tell me the next four years weren’t like this.” Louis pleaded tears very much at the brim of his eyes.

                Liam was shocked, it took a lot to make Louis cry, although he felt like crying himself.

                “No, it became a pattern. He would leave and come back. Every album, every tour, every time he would find a way to get me alone and… have sex with me, fuck me… I don’t even know what to call what he did…”

                “Torture, it was torture.” Liam told him his hand still rubbing small circles on his back.

                “And the worst part of it all was… he liked to get a reaction. He enjoyed seeing the fear, hear me beg him to stop, making me cry. And I would try, I would try so hard to not show anything to just lay there and not give him that. He was getting everything else. But… he would just hurt me or push into me so hard that I felt like he was going to break me. And then I couldn’t help but react… I didn’t even have control over that.”

                “That’s why I left. That’s why I couldn’t stay anymore. I knew we were going to make a new album and I knew he’d be back. I couldn’t… I just couldn’t. I’m so sorry guys…”

                Zayn felt Liam slide as close to him as he could wrap an arm around him tightly, “Not one of us is blaming you for leaving! Not one of us!”

                Zayn wanted to melt into Liam’s embrace but his skin felt like it was crawling. He could feel every hand print Barry had left. He felt violated all over again. He needed to go shower and wash himself of the permanent dirt on his body.

                But there was one last thing he needed to tell them and it was the most important.

                “I need you guys to promise me that you will NEVER be alone with him. There is no doubt in my mind that he will hurt you. He already tried with Harry, he might try with the rest of you.”

                “What?!” Louis said instantly, turning his entire body towards his boyfriend, “Oh my god Harry, are you okay? Tell me you’re okay?”

                Harry reached out and stroked Louis’ face gently, “I’m fine. He invited me to his hotel to work on music. Don’t worry, I didn’t go. Zayn… it was the night I ran into Zayn. I’ll explain everything later.”

                “But you’re okay? Harry tell me you’re okay.”

                “Yes, I’m perfectly okay,” he assured him, squeezing his hand.

                “Promise me guys, please!” Zayn begged.

                They all agreed. None of them would ever be alone with him.

                They all sat still until Zayn stood up, “Do you guys mind if I take a shower?” he asked Louis and Harry.

                They were all surprised at how quickly he was moving on, how not one tear was shed.

                “Uh… yea… there’s towels in the closet.” Harry told him, “But Zayn, are you okay?” Cause god knows the four of them weren’t.

                “Yes, I just need to take a shower.”

                He left the room leaving them alone to their thoughts.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone that has been reading! Knowing people are interested in my story really makes me excited to write. This next chapter has the same warnings as the previous Chapters had. I really hope you enjoy! Thanks again :)

“I want to kill him!” Louis said gripping Harry for dear life.

                The anger filling him was almost enough to overtake him. Zayn’s confession had been enough, but hearing that Harry had been in danger, that was sending him overboard.

                “Lou, I’m fine. I mean… it scares me, what could have happened, but it didn’t. ” he paused, “We have to focus on Zayn and what DID happen to him.

                “I’m going to kill him for what he did to Zayn!” Louis practically yelled.

                “Killing him is not going to do anything. We need to stay level headed and help him through this.”

                They stopped talking and Liam looked over at Louis, Harry and Niall all huddled together on the sofas. He was still seated on the windowsill. His eyes found Niall who was curled into himself and chewing on his fingers, a sure tell sign he was stressed. He almost got up and went to him, but Harry beat him to it.

                “Niall, are you okay?”

                Niall looked at them and slowly brought his hand down.

                “I can’t stop replaying what Zayn told us in my head, ya know? And I know I shouldn’t, it’s horrible of me to think about it, but I keep hearing him say he would have come to my room. Like, what if he did? What if it was me? And then I’m thinking, shut up Niall,  Zayn doesn’t get to think about what if’s. He actually went through that.”

                His head fell into his hands and Harry reached out to him. “Niall, it’s okay. You’re allowed to feel for yourself and for Zayn. Don’t feel guilty for feeling something.”

                Liam sat silently listening to them. There wasn’t an actual word in the English language to describe what he felt for all of this. All he knew, was that Zayn was upstairs ALONE dealing with whatever consequence this had stirred up as they were sitting around discussing him. He had left him to deal with this alone for far too long.

                “I’m going to go see if he’s okay.” He told them, clearing his throat.

                They looked at him and nodded gently, Harry still comforting Niall. They weren’t surprised by Liam at all. Louis and Harry had figured Liam would try to talk to him sooner or later.

                Liam took the stairs slowly and walked down the hallway towards the guest room. The door was ajar and Zayn was standing against the far wall, staring out the window.

                Liam, not wanting to startle him, lightly knocked on the door. Zayn turned around quickly and stared at Liam. The look on his face made Liam’s stomach hurt.

                “Hey…” Zayn whispered.

                Liam took two steps into the room, “Hey… can I come in? I want to talk, just you and me.”

                Zayn was about to protest, but instead he just nodded, never able to say no to Liam.

                Liam stepped further into the room and closed the door behind him. They needed some privacy. And even though he didn’t think anyone would be able to really hear them up here, he didn’t want to take any chances.

                “I want to start by apologizing. I was a real prick when I first got here. You didn’t deserve that.”

                Zayn couldn’t believe Liam was apologizing. He had nothing to be sorry for.

“No Liam, I did deserve that.” Zayn said as he took a seat on the edge of the bed.

                After bearing some of his darkest secrets, he had expected to be left alone to his thoughts. He figured they would probably treat him like some fragile piece of glass. He should have known Liam would come up here, apology in hand because he felt for guilty for something he didn’t even do.

If anyone else had come up here, he probably would ask them to leave. He just wouldn’t have the energy to talk again. Talking made him feel anxious and drained, but with Liam it was different. Liam always felt like a comfort, his presence calming his nerves even now.

                “No listen, I was bitter when you left and I was just being vengeful before. That wasn’t okay and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

                Zayn didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything. He already owed Liam so much more than he could ever give him.

                “Zayn,” Liam continued taking a seat next to him, “I am so sorry about what happened to you. I am so sorry that I never figured it out, that I never put it all together. I should have known and I failed you as a friend.”

                Liam put his head down and choked back the tightness he began to feel in his throat.

                “You have no idea how much you helped me…” his soft voice spoke, “There were so many times that you were there for me, protecting me, and you had no clue…”

                Liam locked eyes with Zayn silently questioning what he meant.

                “Think about all those nights I would crash in your room, that wasn’t on accident. I knew he would be coming for me and he left me alone if you were with me. You saved me so many times.”

                He meant it in a positive way but all Liam could think about was all those times he hadn’t saved Zayn.

                “If you would have told me, I could have…”

                “You could have what, Li, stopped him? That would have never happened.”

                “I would have taken it for you, ya know that right? I would have let him have his way with me. I would have protected you!”

                The blood in Zayn’s body seemed to stop flowing, as images of what Barry would have done to Liam flashed through his mind.

                “Do you think for a second that I would be okay with that? I could never live with myself… EVER… I mean it Liam…”

                A silence fell around them as they both silently acknowledge the sacrifices they would make for one another.

                “You know… he told me why he picked me.” Zayn looked over with a sad smile and Liam swallowed the dryness in his throat, “He had it all figured out. It wasn’t you because you were too… defiant. Barry loves a good fight, really turns him on, and he felt you would do whatever you could to not give him that satisfaction. And, he wasn’t sure you would keep your mouth shut. Then there was Louis, he told me he really considered Louis. With his parents going through the divorce, he thought it would be easy to get him to trust him and he liked how small Louis was. He said breaking him would be easy. But, Louis had Harry and well, he knew that nothing was staying secret between the two of them.”

                Liam felt acid burning his throat as he listened to Zayn talk like this was at all normal. The bastard had organized them like he was putting them in a catalogue, like all of them were up just there for the taking. It was disgusting and disturbing and if Liam was being honest, it unsettled him that Barry had thought about him like that.

                “Harry had Louis… and his Mom. His Mother was always around keeping an eye on things and Barry was sure that she’d see something was wrong right away. He wasn’t about to risk that. I think the reason why he went after Harry now was opportunity. Harry was alone and he thought no one would be there to protect him. Thank-god I was, right?”

                Liam just nodded but didn't say anything. It bothered him how Zayn had seemed to have no care for his safety, theirs yes, but his own seemed to be an after thought.  He waited, hoping for him to continue, but Zayn stayed silent. Liam watched his face grow darker and his hand start to pick at the blanket beneath them.

                “What’s wrong?”

                “Liam, I need you to help me with something… I… there’s something I…” he trailed off.

                “Of course, Zayn, anything you need.”

                “I need you to protect Niall…”

                There was a pleading in Zayn’s eyes that made him nervous.

“What?” was the only thing that croaked out of his mouth.

“He… he was obsessed with Niall. He used to tell me how he would watch him a lot, admire him. He told me some of the things he wanted to do to him,” Zayn shook his head trying to forget, “Sometimes he would whisper them to me while he… Liam, he told me there was one only reason he didn’t go after him.  Niall can’t hide anything and he knew he wouldn’t have been able to pretend the way I could. But, god, he wanted Niall and I’m sure he still does. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him, to scare him like that. You can’t let him be alone with Barry, no matter what! Make sure he’s always with someone, please!”

                Zayn was becoming desperate, putting his hands on Liam’s arms for emphasis. Liam just gently reached out and agreed, “Of course, Zayn, you know I will.”

                Liam couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He couldn’t believe what happened to Zayn, and attempted on Harry and now there was a threat to Niall’s safety. He felt like they had been fooled all these years. He felt like he had been fooled.

                “Why did he pick you?” Liam heard himself asking when Zayn had gone quiet, “You never told me why he picked you.”

                It was not something Liam wanted to hear but at the same time, he wanted to know everything he could to try to help Zayn. Whatever the reason, he was sure Zayn had issues with himself because of it.

                Zayn closed his eyes and clenched his jaw, “Because no would notice anything was wrong with me. I was already so introverted that everyone would just think I was being ‘mysterious Zayn.’ And… he said I was… irresistible... I had a lot of sex appeal…”

                Liam could see the color drain from Zayn’s face. As bad as he felt for Zayn, the anger inside him became the emotion he couldn’t ignore. It was overwhelming.

                “Sex appeal?!” he seethed, “that’s fucking disgusting! You were just a kid! None of those things give him that right to repeatedly rape you!”

                Liam could see Zayn tense when he said _that_ word.

                “Please don’t say that word,” he said in a low stern voice, “I really don’t like that word.”

                The selfless side of Liam wanted to stop, say he was sorry and let it go. But, the other side of Liam, the one that was protective and just wanted to fix his friend, knew it wasn’t normal for someone who was systematically abused for four years to not show much emotion. He knew that under the straight exterior, there was a fire raging. Maybe pushing this issue with _that_ word wouldn't work, but maybe it would, and maybe it would be the way to get Zayn to crack. Because Liam knew that if Zayn didn’t crack, eventually he would explode.

                “But that’s what it was Zayn. It was rape. Being scared of the word doesn’t change what actually happens.”

                “I’m not scared of that word!” Zayn said jumping up from the bed his voice getting louder.

                “Then what is it?”

                Liam felt like he was badgering him, and he hated doing that, but he needed to get through this wall Zayn had put up. The only way to really help him was to tear it down.

                Zayn spun and looked at Liam. He opened his mouth but said nothing for just a few seconds. Eventually he forced the words out, “Because _that_ word makes me feel weak. It makes me feel helpless and every time, EVERY TIME he held me down and forced himself inside of me, EVERY TIME he made me get on my knees and forced himself down my throat, I felt that! I don’t want to feel like that ever again!”

                Liam watched as Zayn’s eyes were growing larger and he ran his fingers through his hair, clearly on the edge of an anxiety attack. Without a second thought, he was on his feet ready to go to his friend.

                 “You have no idea what it felt like Liam. You have no idea the terror I felt every time he attacked me. That never went away. You have no idea how bad it hurt, how the pain never went away. He liked to make me bleed and he liked to leave bruises. He loved breaking me down!”

                Liam didn’t dare say a word, letting Zayn continue as he approached him slowly.

                “The things he did to me Liam, the things I told you guys downstairs were nothing, NOTHING! Do you know he beat me up almost every time, or if I wasn’t crying hard enough or pleading hard enough he would bite me so hard he’d break my skin? He liked to choke me too, really enjoyed that! Hell, after a while his hands weren’t enough to wrap around my neck, so he would use a belt. I really truly thought he was going to kill me a couple times. Can’t say that I didn’t hope he did once or twice. Don’t you remember those times I would wear a scarf around my neck? I had to hide the marks somehow.”

                “Zayn,” Liam said as he came towards him, wanting to comfort his friend. Shuddering as those times played across his mind.

                Zan just backed away from him and continued talking, “Or… there was the time he broke my wrist, got so excited he just fucking snapped it. I remember I was in so much pain that night. He had only waited like two days since the last time he… and I was so tore up. I pleaded, I begged and cried, I tried to crawl away, anything to stop the pain, and he got so excited.  Didn’t even care that I was in agony once he snapped it, he still made sure he finished before he took care of me. The bastard took me to the ER himself, stood with me as they set it so I wouldn’t open my mouth to the doctor. He told me if I did though, he’d hurt my sisters. That really terrified me…”

                The memory of Zayn’s wrist injury flooded Liam’s brain. He never believed Zayn’s story of hurting it in the gym… and now he knew he was right, “Dear god,” he thought aloud, all this was agonizing to hear, “Oh dear god Zayn.”

                He was so close to touching him, trying to reach for the boy who was in a fit of hysteria. His eyes were wild and his pupils were dilated.

                “Then there was tour. That was the absolute worst! Breaking into my hotel rooms was bad, but when we were on tour… that was so horrible. It was always in random rooms or closets or bathrooms. It would happen before the shows or during sound check. At least in my hotel room, I’d have the night to recover and collect myself enough to face the world the next day. But, there I would have to fix myself instantly. I couldn’t walk out with it showing on my face. Sometimes, I’d hear you guys right outside the door. I would pray to whatever deity that might listen for one of you boys to just open the door, to find me and save me. But, it never happened. Do you know the he even messed with me both days we recorded the Live in San Siro DVD. He said it was like a time capsule. Every time he missed me he could watch the DVD and remember what happened between us. I cannot bring myself to watch that DVD…”  

                Liam was finally able to get his hands on Zayn, without him trying to push them away. His words were rambling and his body was shaking, and all Liam wanted was to calm him down. It was obvious he was about to snap.

Liam was not okay. What Zayn had just told him settled in his gut and was growing through his body like a cancer. He didn’t have time to worry about himself, Zayn was all that was important right now.

Liam gripped his arms firmly, “Zayn,” he said, trying to reel him in, “Zayn!” he repeated.

                Zayn’s eyes stared into Liam’s and slowly the frenzy melted, giving way to so much pain.

                “Liam,” he forced out, his hands grasping the fabric of Liam’s shirt.

                “It’s okay Zayn, I’m right here,” he responded, one of his hands traveling up to cup Zayn’s face.

                Zayn’s throat felt like it was closing, but he kept trying to force words out.

His hands were gripping Liam’s shirt tighter, “Why? Why didn’t someone help me? Why didn’t anyone see what he was doing to me? How… how could my Mom… why didn’t my Mom…”

                Zayn had to stop as his throat stopped cooperating and his eyes filled with tears.

                Liam’s heart felt like someone had stitched it back together for the sole purpose of shattering it again, “I don’t know Zayn, but I am so sorry, so so sorry.”

                “Why?” he whimpered, “Why did he do those things to me? What did I do?”

                “Nothing!” Liam told him, his other hand also touching his face now, making sure Zayn couldn’t divert his eyes, “This is not your fault. You did nothing wrong, Nothing!”

                They were frozen for a moment. Liam’s eyes refusing to let Zayn look away, until he finally closed his eyes and tears poured down his face. The sob that came out of him was so anguished that Liam couldn’t bear to hear it. His body fell forward into Liam and as soon as Liam’s arms were firmly wrapped around him, Zayn’s legs gave out as sob after sob rippled through his body.

                With each ripple, Liam’s arms held him tighter. His lips leaned down sand whispered soothing words into Zayn’s ear, ‘It’s okay, let it out. I’m here, now. You’re safe, I promise you’re safe,’ over and over.

                Liam eventually was able to get him on the bed, laying down and pulling Zayn’s head onto his chest. Holding him tight and still soothing him with words.

                The anguish the Liam felt himself was not important right now. All that mattered was Zayn’s well being and he would hold him for a million years if that’s what it took.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again everyone for their interest in the story! This next Chapter was probably the Chapter I am most proud of so far. I hope you enjoy!!! Thanks :)

                Liam lay still on the bed as he was still running his hand softly through Zayn’s hair. His sobs had turned to soft breaths a while ago and Liam was sure that Zayn was now in a deep sleep. He hated to leave him, he wanted nothing more than to let him stay in his arms but after the conversation they had, he need to get some air and get out his frustrations. His emotions were in over drive and the last thing he wanted was Zayn to see how this was affecting him.

                He softly moved out from underneath Zayn, carefully laying him on the pillow and pulling the blanket up over him, tucking him in. He prayed his dreams were as peaceful as his face looked. After what Liam learned he had been through, he deserved peace.

                Harry, Louis, and Niall were standing at the kitchen counter talking softly, “I really hope everything is okay,” Louis said gesturing to the upstairs, “Liam’s been up there for a while.”

                “I’m going to take that as a good thing. They must be talking and if anyone can get Zayn to open up, it’s Liam," Harry responded.

                Almost as if on cue, they heard footsteps traveling down the stairs. Liam emerged slowly as the other three boys watched him closely. He didn’t meet any of their eyes as he came to the landing and stumbled into the kitchen.

                “Liam?” Harry asked nervously.

                Liam, whose brain was running 10 miles a minutes, finally looked up. He was sure his face showed all the emotions that he had swirling in his mind. This whole situation made him feel out of control. He hated not being in control.

                “How’s Zayn?” Louis asked.

                Liam opened his mouth and a pained sound escaped him. Harry’s eyed filled with worry and Liam quickly cleared his throat, “He’s sleeping. He cried himself to sleep.”

                After a moment, Harry spoke, “So you got him to open up and let it out?”

                The phrase, ‘open up and let it out’ got under Liam's skin and he brought his eyes to Harry's face. He stared at him hard. Opening up, letting it out, was that supposed to be a good thing? Because, Liam saw how destroyed Zayn was. He saw what damage that had really been done. He wanted to scream and yell and tell them all to let him be, just let Zayn be. But, he wanted to fold himself into a ball and cry for days as he let the guilt and disgusted take over his body. Yet, he stood unmoved like a statue too many emotions at once to feel any at all.

                “Liam?” Niall’s gentle voice said, “Did he talk to you?”

                His eyes moved from Harry to Niall and a switch flipped. With Zayn’s complete melt down, Liam had pushed the information about Niall to the back of his mind. Looking at him now, it all came rushing back.

                He moved quicker than even he expected and all but ran to Niall. He was standing nearly on top of the blonde, “Niall,” he said his voice sounding desperate, “I need you to be honest with me. I need you to tell me the truth. Did he hurt? Did Barry ever do anything to you?!”

                Niall instinctively pulled back, thrown way off by Liam’s out of character actions, “What?!?! No!”

Liam’s hands reached forward and gripped Nialls biceps, trying to pull him closer, "You have to tell me Niall if he did! Tell me you’re not lying!” he wasn't  even realizing he was shaking Niall, emphasizing his words.

Niall's face was contorting into confusion and fear, "Liam, I'm not lying, STOP!" He yelled but Liam was too far gone to hear him.

                He turned his scared eyes towards his two shocked friends, silently pleading with them for help. “Liam!” Louis began yelling, reaching across and yanking on Liam’s arm, “Stop it!”

                Liam was too wrapped in his thoughts. He just kept thinking over and over, ‘What would he do if another one of his friends was hurt and he didn’t stop it? How would he live with himself if he broke his promise to Zayn to protect Niall?’

                “LIAM!” Louis yelled again pulling hard enough to finally get his attention.

                Liam finally heard him. He dropped his hands from Niall's arms and turned and looked at Louis with half dazed eyes.

“What the hell are you doing?” Louis gestured towards Niall, whose expressive face was still twisted in confusion.

Liam looked from Niall to Louis to Harry and back again before spilling out his words, “I have to make sure he’s okay, that you’re okay Niall. Zayn told me... Zayn made me promise to protect you!”

Niall still seemed lost, so Liam continued, "He couldn't bring himself to tell you... but I'm going to protect you. I will!"

Harry and Louis exchanged troubling glances; they both saw that Liam was coming undone.

Harry thought about jumping in but Niall spoke first. “Tell me what?” he asked, his mouth going dry.

Liam thought back to Zayn explaining why Barry had chosen him, about how it could have been any one of them. It was almost too much for his brain to process. He brought his hands up to his head and he squeezed at his temples, wanting to block it all out but he knew he couldn’t. If he didn’t protect them all, then who would? The guilt would eat him alive.

"Liam," Niall said gently, reaching out and touching his friend, "Tell me what?" He asked again.

Niall knew he probably didn’t want to know what he was going to say, but if there was information regarding him, he had to know.

"Zayn told me why it was him and not one of us. Barry told him he thought about each of us, took each one of us into consideration. I guess all those things you hear about the entertainment industry being full of child molesters and predators are true!" He snorted, his eyes wild, "It wasn't you Harry because of your Mom and Louis, too many people to ask questions. And you Louis, apparently he almost chose you... but Harry saved you... if you weren't with Harry, he'd have done it to you."

Harry noticed Louis tense. His body straightened a little and he gasped just loud enough for only Harry to hear him. Harry's hand blindly reached out and found Louis’s, squeezing it tightly. He was trying hard to not think about what he would have done if it had been Louis. Just that idea alone almost killed him.

Liam either didn't notice or didn't care about the exchange between the two of them because he continued speaking, starting to pace back and forth, "It wasn't me because he wasn't sure he could control me, he was scared I'd talk... And Niall..." He stopped and looked at him the room going eerily quiet before he continued, "You... you were his favorite."

"Excuse me?" Niall said without thinking, having to force himself to breath.

"That's why you have to be careful, don't you understand!? Zayn told me he couldn't bring himself to tell you, just what a danger Barry is to you. He's obsessed with you Niall. Zayn said he would talk about you all the time. He would watch you all the time. Zayn said... god this is so fucking disgusting... he would tell Zayn what he wanted to do to you when he was raping Zayn.

Niall's entire face went from red to white to green and he leaned over and gripped the counter top for support. 

“Oh my god...” he croaked out.

"That's why you have to be so careful Niall. You cannot go near him!"

Niall turned his face to each one of them, his eyes glassy and filled with terror, "How the hell am I supposed to do with that!? He fucking works with us and now I find out that he's obsessed with me? What am I supposed to do? What if he comes after me? I can’t just NOT be around him. Oh my god, oh my fucking god!"

Harry could tell right away that Niall was about to crumble. Niall felt emotions more heightened than anyone else Harry had ever met. It was one of the greatest things about Niall but it was also almost impossible for him to bottle things. And from Liam's still crazy expression and Louis rage that he could see filling his face, he knew he had to get control over this before they all fell apart.

"It's okay Niall, everything is okay. Nothing is going to happen. We will make sure we are always in pairs and we'll talk to the label about getting him off our album. We will figure something out, but don’t worry. Liam's just telling you this as a precaution..."

"This isn't a fucking precaution Harry!" Liam yelled, "He wants to have sex with Niall! He wants to hold him down and rape him just like he did Zayn. He wants to break him!"

"THAT'S ENOUGH LIAM!" Harry yelled.

He could hear Niall's breath starting to come out rapidly, just like it did when he was in a tight space. He was going to have a panic attack.

"NO!" Liam screamed back, no longer having any control over himself, "That's not enough! This is real, this isn't something were gonna avoid talking about..."

"HE'S ABOUT TO HAVE A FUCKING PANIC ATTAK LIAM! He get's the point but you have to stop or he's going to lose it!" Harry said trying to bring his voice back down to a normal volume.

Everyone went quiet, the only sound filling the room was Niall’s shallow, quick breaths and Liam’s footsteps as he continued to pace back and forth.

“Niall, are you alright?” Harry asked reaching across and touching his hand.

Niall nodded as he leaned forward over the counter, remembering his exercises for when he had one of his anxiety attacks.

“This is a fucking nightmare!” Louis said watching his best mates fall apart around him.

Liam stopped moving suddenly, his eyes not focusing on anything, “You know what a fucking nightmare is?! What happened to Zayn is a fucking nightmare!”

Zayn’s voice kept replaying in Liam’s mind, ‘Why didn’t anyone see what he was doing to me? Why didn’t someone help me?’

                “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry Zayn,” Liam began to mutter to himself his hands banging against his temples, trying to get Zayn’s words and anguished sobs out of his head, Trying to erase the image of Zayn’s face as he asked Liam for answers he didn’t have.

Harry and Louis looked at each other nervously. Even Niall, whose breathing had started to return to normal, picked his head up and watched Liam, unsure what to do.

“Jesus Christ,” Louis muttered about to approach Liam.

 But Harry reached out and gripped his wrist, shaking his head only twice but firmly enough to stop Louis, “Not yet.” Harry whispered.

Liam was too lost in his mind to notice anything going on around him.  All he could see was what Zayn had told him. He could see the belt around his neck and his friend being forced to his knees. He could see the pain in Zayn’s eyes and just imagined the pain that was in them then.

“He told me things…” he felt his throat constricting again as he tried to shake the images out of his head, “He told me things and I keep seeing them over and over and all I keep thinking about is his face and then I see Niall, I see you and Louis. Do you have any idea what he’s capable of? He liked to hurt him. Told me he would beat him up, choke him! For fucks sake, he wrapped a god damn belt around his neck sometimes because it turned him on!”

Harry closed his eyes and tried to swallow the bile that was rising in his throat. It was Louis’s hand squeezing his this time as they met eyes and Harry saw the same questions in Louis that were in his own.

                “Or… god how did I not see this… his broken wrist, it wasn’t an accident. The piece of shit broke his wrist. Apparently Zayn hadn’t healed yet… think about that mates, just FUCKING think about that… and Barry raped him. Zayn said he fought extra hard because of the pain and it turned Barry on so much he just snapped his wrist! I mean just think about that, think about how horrifying that is! How… how…”

                Liam trailed off and pushed the heels of his hands against his eye sockets, trying to rub all the pictures away. Louis knew he should stop him. Harry was frozen next to him and Niall looked like he was about to collapse, but he was paralyzed himself.

“And the worst, THE FUCKING WORST thing he told me. The worst thing… do you guys have any idea how many times this happened right under our noses, right under my nose? Barry would drag him into closets at venues. Sometimes during sound check or before our shows…” a strangled noise came out of Liam as he pulled at the hair at the sides of his head, “He could hear our voice right outside the door. We were right there and we never saved him! The son of a bitch was raping him and we just let it happen…”

Liam hands were yanking harder on his hair as he started pacing back and forth again.

“Why?!” Niall suddenly yelped, all of them looking to him.

He had a tear falling down his cheek, the liquid still piling up in his blue eyes, “Why did this happen?”

Liam narrowed his eyes and let out a disgusted chuckle, “He told Zayn it was because he was irresistible and had sex appeal,” the two words leaving a bad taste on his tongue, “Can you even… Sex appeal?! I have never heard something so vial in my life.”

The anger seemed to contort Liam’s face as he turned and looked at Louis, “I need a drink!” he suddenly said.

“Liam…” Louis countered.

The last thing they needed was for Liam to start drinking. He was already acting irrational, but he found that he couldn't open his mouth to say anything.

Liam, not waiting for a response, started walking around the kitchen open cabinets, searching. 

“I’m not fucking playing, I’m going lose my mind in about two seconds, I need a GOD DAMN drink!” his voice going high pitched and jagged,  “Where the hell do you keep your alcohol? I know you guys have it around here somewhere.”

Before Louis or Harry could protest, Liam came across the cabinet full of liquor and grabbed a bottle of vodka. He grabbed a glass and poured himself a hefty amount. He swigged it back without even a thought before resting his hands on the counter, lowering his head. He stayed like that for several tense moments before he poured himself another glass.

“Liam, I think that’s enough” Harry said softly.

Liam slowly spun to look at his friends, his brothers, and they noticed the silent tears now streaming down his face.

“I can’t…” he croaked trying so hard to get his vocal chords to work, “I can’t stop hearing his voice...”

“Liam,” Harry said again, moving slowly towards him.

“I can’t stop seeing all those things he told me! I failed him! He was my best friend and I didn’t help him!!! How did I not know?” he cried.

“None of us knew, none of us saw it,” Harry said softly.

“I should have known something wasn’t right! I should have notice and done something about it! I should have taken his place!!! I can’t handle this!” he screamed launching the full glass towards the wall next to him.

Louis, Niall and Harry jumped back as Liam covered his face in his hands and started wailing. His body slowly slid down the floor and he buried himself into his knees.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he kept saying as he continued to cry in his hands.

Harry approached cautiously and knelt down in front of Liam. His hand reached out and he placed it on Liam’s knee comfortingly.

“Hey,” he said, “It’s okay. You have nothing to be sorry about.”

“Yes I do,” Liam responded after a minute, “I should have done something.”

“Barry knew what he was doing. He didn’t fly into this without some kinds of plan and he’s a sadistic sociopath. He knew how to get away with this. There was nothing you could have done!” Harry said.

“I could have helped. I could have taken it for him.”

“Stop that! Stop, don’t you ever say that! None of us deserves that, not me, not Louis, not Niall, not you and certainly not Zayn!”

Liam cried a little more before looking up at Harry, “I just can’t stop think about it and then I think about Niall…”

Harry put his hands on Liam’s shoulders and Liam stared at him, tears still falling, “We are going to protect Niall. We are going to protect each other. And we will help Zayn, we will. But you need to calm down, Liam. You’re going to lose your mind if you don’t.”

“I know… it’s the guilt…”

“But you have nothing to be guilty for. You didn’t rape Zayn. Zayn didn’t come to you and tell you something happened and you ignored him. You had no idea, we had NO idea. You have to stop doing this to yourself.”

Liam nodded but lowered his head back down anyway, letting a few more tears fall.

“Hey, come here,” Harry said, scooting closer trying to bring Liam into a hug.

Liam, not surprisingly, hesitated and tried to avoid Harry’s arms. Liam was always least worried about his own wellbeing, never thinking about his own needs. Sometimes he needed someone to comfort him and that was always a hard thing for Liam to face.

“I’m fine Harry, really,” he told him unconvincingly.

Harry ignored him and pulled him into a tight embrace anyway. Liam fought him at first but only for a moment before melting into Harry, crying into his shoulder.

“We are going to figure this out, but you have to calm down. You can’t let Zayn see you like this.”

“I need to get back to him,” Liam suddenly pleaded, pulling away, “I don’t want him to wake up alone.”

Harry took Liam’s face in his hands making him look at him in the eye, “Okay, but first you need to calm down. He can’t see you like this.” His fingers wiped away the lingering wetness, “Why don’t we all go in the other room and actually talk about this. We can figure out what to do to help Niall, us, and most importantly Zayn. And then you can go lie down with him.”

Liam took an unsteady breath, composing himself as he let Harry help him off the floor. Harry quickly guided Liam out of the kitchen, giving Louis a look as he walked by to take care of Niall. Louis was so overwhelmed himself with today’s events that he hadn’t been paying attention to Niall.

He looked over and Niall had his head in his hands, not looking like he was about to move. Louis went over to him and wrapped his arm around him, “Hey, come on let’s go in the other room,” he said softly.

Niall picked his head up, “What are we going to do now?”

Louis didn’t have the answers for that and he knew Niall wasn’t expecting him to, Louis tried anyway.

“We’re going to protect each other like Harry said and we’re going to help Zayn. We’re going to do whatever we have to do.”

Niall nodded and got off the chair letting Louis keep his arm around him as they silent walked out of the kitchen.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for all the feedback and comments on the last chapter. Sorry it took me a little while to update. I was away for the last few days. Anyway, hope you enjoy the next Chapter!! :)

Zayn slowly opened his eyes and stared up at the unfamiliar ceiling. His brain was mushy and he couldn't remember why or how he was there. He turned next to him and his eyes fell on a sleeping Liam.

Zayn watched his peaceful face. It always amazed him the way Liam looked like a little boy when his face was pressed into a pillow. He fought the urge to reach out and touch him.

Out of nowhere, the whole room shifted and he felt heaviness fill the space. Everything that happened, every story, his break down to Liam, the releasing of his deep dark secrets all flooded back to him. His chest constricted and he wished it was one big horrible nightmare and he would wake up to this all being not real. But, he knew that was just a stupid dream, one that he’s had since the night Barry came to his hotel room.

Then, he looked at Liam and he remembered his words and how he had held him up when his legs gave out. He remembered all those times when he went to Liam when he was still at Barry's mercy. He remembered how he was always there for him, how he held him up those times too, even when he didn't know it. Maybe he could get better, maybe he could figure out a way to live again if Liam would help him.

His stomach growled loud enough that Zayn was worried it might wake up Liam. He knew he should get up to find something to eat or at least not disturb Liam's sleep.

He looked at his watch, Jesus, it was after 3. Nobody should be awake and he was sure Louis and Harry wouldn't care if looked for something. Slowly, quietly, he got out of bed and made his way out of the room, closing the door behind him.

He walked into the dark kitchen and almost jumped out of his skin. Louis was sitting at the table in the darkness, a mug of tea in front of him. He appeared deep in thought until he spotted Zayn.

"Oh Lou, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt..."

Louis smiled softly, quickly shaking the deep thoughts from his eyes.

"No, no, you didn't interrupt anything. I just... I couldn't sleep. Was just thinking..." He paused as if he was thinking again but quickly snapped out of it, "Are you okay?"

Louis was genuinely concerned, prepared to jump up if he had too. "I'm okay. I just didn't want to wake Liam... And I'm pretty hungry."

"Oh, yea, we have a ton of that taco salad thing Niall made. It was pretty good!"

Louis was on his feet quickly, pulling it out of the fridge, putting a heap of it on a plate and heating it up in the microwave. They stayed silent while it cooked. Zayn was just replaying so many things in his mind, that he couldn't focus on just one thing and Louis wasn't about to push Zayn any which way.         

It beeped only once before Louis quickly retrieved, not wanting to wake the other three guys in the house. They both sat down and Zayn quickly took a bite, not caring the heat was burning his mouth. He didn't realize just how hungry he was until he started eating.

"Damn, this is good!" he said and Louis saw a hint of the old Zayn.

"Niall is a good cook. He should get a side job doing that." Louis joked.

They laughed a little and it felt good. They fell quiet again; the only sound was Zayn's chewing.

Louis cleared his throat, "Zayn, I just... I need to say thank you."

Zayn looked at Louis confused, "For what?"

"If you hadn't been at the bar in New York, if you hadn't decided to step in... Harry could have..." Louis couldn't even finish his thought. He couldn't bare the idea of something happening to Harry. He'd rather die.

Zayn put his fork down and took a few seconds before responding, "I don't know if I even made a real decision to do something. I just remember... I saw him put his hand on Harry's lower back and I knew, I just KNEW what he wanted. I couldn't let Harry go through that. I love you guys way too much to let something happen and not try to stop it."

"Zayn," Louis said reaching for his hand, "I owe you in a way I can never repay. Harry is my entire world." He paused before continuing, "But, I want you to know that I'm so sorry. I think we all consider each other brothers and we should have noticed that something was wrong, really wrong. Someone should have protected you too."

Zayn closed his eyes and tried not to pay attention to the heaviness in his heart. He had thought about why no one protected him more times than he cared to think about.

"It was going to be one of us, Barry made that very clear. I... I was the best choice."

Louis face contorted into horror, "Please don't say that! There is no best choice. There is no ‘well if it had to be one of us, Zayn's the obvious choice.’ You didn't deserve to go through something like that!"

"It was better me than Niall," he said quietly, "He would have gone after Niall..."

Louis closed his eyes and tried to put himself in Zayn's place. There was no way he would ever let Niall, or any of the guys for that matter, get hurt to save his own skin. He understood what Zayn was saying but it still wasn't right.

"Did Liam talk to Niall?" Zayn asked quietly.

Louis stomach dropped a little. Liam had lost it completely and probably said way more to Niall then he should have, but the stress had gotten to Liam.

After his episode in the kitchen, Harry took Liam into the living room and got him to calm down. He wanted to go back upstairs and lay down next Zayn, he must have told them that twenty times. He was so scared Zayn would wake up alone and Liam just knew he had to be there, even if he was asleep. Harry got him to understand that he needed to calm down before he went back to bed. Zayn couldn't wake up and see Liam like that.

They also talked about how the hell they were going to deal with this situation with Niall. Niall sort of checked out at that point, Louis couldn't blame him, but the other three couldn't check out. They were going to be working with Barry and they're safety, especially Niall's, was now was the most important thing.

"Yea, he did." Louis said, "Liam had a bit of an episode and told Niall what you told him. Niall is pretty freaked out."

"Episode?" Zayn asked concerned.

"Liam cares about you a whole lot and what happened to you, really hit him hard. It hit all of us hard but he's taking it the worst. He lost it a little bit and sort of went at Niall. But everything is okay, Niall and Liam are okay.”

Louis watched Zayn’s face and knew he should talk to him about the feelings he always knew Zayn had for Liam, but he decided to let that go for right now. God knows he already had a lot of other things weighing on him.

“I don’t know what to do Louis..."

“About?”

“All of this. I know what happened to me was wrong. I know that Barry did things that really screwed me up. He affected me so deeply that I’ll have to deal with it for the rest of my life. It’s so hard, but it has always been my personal thing. And then, everything happened with Barry and Harry and it brought all of it back and I’m realizing I’m way more screwed up then I ever thought. But I also realized that… it wasn’t just about me with him. It was about all five of us and he… I can’t stop him. I don’t know how to stop him, but I have too.”

Louis knew what they all had discussed. They were going to talk to him in the morning, but Louis decided now was good a time as any.

“I think you need to tell someone…”

Zayn didn’t say a word for several seconds and Louis couldn’t read his expression.

“Tell who?” he asked, “I am NOT telling the police. I cannot have this getting to the press and what if they don’t believe me? Barry has connections, he knows everyone. If they can't help and he finds out I told... he told me he’ll  go after my sisters! NO WAY! I am not telling the police!"

He was rambling and his voice was getting a little higher as he kept talking.

“Hey, hey, relax,” Louis said gently.

They had discussed how he might react to telling someone outside of their circle. This is pretty much what they all expected. Liam, Niall and Harry had all surprisingly agreed that they didn’t think police should be involved just yet. It could get messy and they should get some guidance from the label or management. They could tell them what to do.

Louis however, thought, and still does, that the police should be involved right away. He was a threat to all of them and he should rot in prison for the rest of his life before he rots in hell for eternity for what he did to Zayn.

He was going to test the waters cautiously, "I don't think telling the police is that bad of an idea Zayn... They can...."

“NO! NO POLICE!" Zayn yelled.

Louis saw the look on his face and heard his tone. He knew pushing him wouldn't get him anywhere. In fact pushing him might cause him to pull away and refuse to tell anyone and that was probably the worst thing that could happen.

“Okay, okay, no police."

Zayn’s body noticeably relaxed a little and he took a deep breath.

Louis slowly continued hoping to not upset him again, "No police and I COMPLETELY understand no press. But maybe... we can talk to someone at the label, someone on our team. If nothing else, they they can get him removed as producer and we won't have to worry anymore."

Zayn knew Louis could be right. Someone at the label could help; maybe even give him some peace. But, one thought kept sticking around in his brain making him uncomfortable with the idea. He didn’t mean to blurt it out loud.

“What if he comes after me? He always said he would! I can’t… I can’t ever… I can’t ever have him touch me again!”

The thought of Barry's hands anywhere on his body made him want to rip his skin off. He began to nervously chew on his lip and his hands pressed onto the table like he was trying to smash it to the ground.

“Zayn, that’s not going to happen! We didn't know before, but we know now and we will not let that him hurt you ever again. I really think you need to talk to the label. They will help."

It was a nice gesture and maybe to some extent both boys believed it, but neither one of them were stupid. They knew that if Barry really tried, Zayn, Niall, none of them were really going to be safe. But for Zayn, who had already sacrificed so much to protect his brothers, his mates, too not follow through now would be a waste of all that.

Zayn closed his eyes and wondered if he was going to regret this, “I’ll do it, but... I need you guys to come with me. I can’t do it alone.”

“We would NEVER have you do that by yourself. You’ve been alone in this too long.”

It touched Zayn to hear something like that from Louis. He had been so alone in this hell and just knowing that he had them next to him meant the world. He looked at Louis as tears filled his eyes.

“I… you have no idea how much this means to me. I… this has been so hard and sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. I was terrified of people finding out what he was doing, but now that I told you guys and your trying so hard to help, it makes me feel just a little better."

Louis felt closer to Zayn than he ever had. And that was saying something, him and Zayn had been close, not as close as Liam and Zayn, but still close.

“Do you think you might tell your family? You’re so close to your Mum, I'm sure she could really help."

Zayn quickly pulled his hand away from Louis and his eyes hardened.

“No way,” he said as if Louis asked him to put his hand in fire.

“Why not?”

“Because my family wouldn’t understand, my Dad wouldn’t understand. He’s old world, he's a man needs to stand up and be a man. What happened to me wouldn't have happened if I acted like man... and my Mum... She always sides with my Dad.”

Louis was horrified, “Zayn, that's insane! Your Dad would never think those things and even if he did, your Mum would NEVER!"

Zayn shock his head sadly, obviously not convinced by Louis's words. "Louis, you don't know my family the way I do okay? I don't want to go down that road with them."

He sound defeated and Louis only thought for a second before he decided to share something with Zayn. It was something that he didn’t like to think about too much and it left an imprint on his trust of people, but he thought it might help Zayn understand and right now that was all that mattered.

“Can I tell you a story? It's something only Harry and my Mother knows about.”

Zayn nodded, silently.

“When I was thirteen there was the guy named David that was a family friend of ours. He was 19 or 20 and he was playing football at Uni. He knew I loved football so he would practice with me sometimes. I thought he was a real cool guy. You have to understand that I wasn’t exactly quiet about my sexuality and I guess in hindsight it was probably pretty obvious that I was gay. Anyway, one day we were driving back from the park and he started to ask me some things that made me uncomfortable, like ‘So you like guys, huh?’ or ‘Have you ever been with another guy to see how it is?’ and then he said to me, 'Between you and me, if you ever have any questions or maybe if you want to practice with someone you trust, you can ask me. I’d help you and I won't tell anyone.' I was so uncomfortable, the way he was looking at me and saying things like that. It made me feel weird really weird."

“I told myself that I wasn’t going to tell anyone, especially my Mum, she had enough to worry about. I was just going to ignore it. It wasn’t like he did anything to me. Now that I’m older I realize how inappropriate it was.  Anyway, a week or two later, he was at my house keeping an eye on me and my sisters while my parents were out. It was just me and him on the sofa and he reached over and put his arm around me. He asked me if I had thought about his offer, because he really wanted to help me. I remember he was sort of running my back and I flipped. I jumped up, ran into my room, and locked the door. He stood outside my door for a while knocking, telling me I need to calm down and we were friends. He said I shouldn't tell anyone about what he asked me. Even after he left I stayed in my room. I didn’t unlock the door till the next morning."

"My Mum was waiting for me in the kitchen when I went down. She wouldn't even let me go to school till I told her what was wrong. I really didn't want too. I was embarrassed and scared and a 13 year old boy doesn’t want to talk to his Mum about something like that! But, I did it anyway and you know what? The first thing she did was pull me to her and she hold me. She told me it wasn't my fault and that I never did anything wrong. She made me realize that there are people out there the prey on other people and it’s not a reflection of who we are if something happens to us. She made me feel better only the way our Mums can. After she was done making sure I was okay and comforting me, she went to him and told him he was NEVER to come anywhere near me again and if he did, she would break every bone in his body."

Zayn felt for his friend that he had to experience something like that. He knew what someone breaking your trust like that felt like. But, Louis's story was different than Zayn’s and Zayn didn’t think his would have the same happy ending. Yet the yearning he had to fall into his Mother’s arms and let her take it all away was aching in his chest. He tried to push it down, with little success.

“I’m really sorry Louis and I appreciate you sharing this with me, but… it’s different. You’re Mum is not my Mum. I don’t think…”

“You don’t think your Mum would want to kill Barry?” Louis cut him off, “You don’t think it she would want to do everything in her power to help you?”

Zayn thought before he spoke, “I think… it would kill her that she let me go through this…”

“It’s not about her Zayn. This is about you!”

Zayn ignored him and finished his thought, “But I think that she would tell my Dad and he wouldn’t care how it happened. He would just be ashamed of me and… my Mum would take his side.

“You’re wrong Zayn! There is no side to pick, your Mum and your Dad would both support you. I think you’re scared…”

Zayn looked up with tired eyes and Louis immediately stopped what he was saying. This was not what he wanted. He didn’t want to fight with Zayn. He was fragile and pushing him might send him over an edge they couldn’t pull him back from.

“I’m sorry,” Louis said, “I was just trying to help. If you don't want to tell them, that's your choice."

“I know you were and it’s okay, I just... I don’t want to talk about bringing my family into this. If I decided to tell them it will be on my terms. Isn’t it enough that I’m willing to tell someone at the label?”

Louis nodded quickly, “Of course it is, that’s the most important thing. We need to take care of Barry."

Zayn took a deep breath and held it for several seconds before letting it go, “I hope it works. I hope I’m making the right decision.”

“I think this will work out, Zayn." Louis confirmed, but he was silently wondering the same thing.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to everyone reading it! It means a lot of have people enjoy something I really enjoy creating. This next Chapter is a little shorter but it's finally exploring more of the Zayn and Liam's dynamic. Hope you enjoy!!! P.S. I'll try to update quicker next time :)

                Liam was lying down in his bedroom, staring off into the darkness of his room. It had been a long 48 hours since he got off that plane. If you would have told him then what a turn his life would take, there was no way he would have believed any of it.

                The morning after Zayn’s admission, he woke up to the boy curled next to him in bed. He found out later when he went down stairs and spoke with Louis that he and Zayn had a long talk the night before. Louis got Zayn to talk about telling someone and most importantly, got him to agree to talk to the label.

                If it were up to Liam, that wasn’t nearly enough of what Zayn should do. He knew Zayn should go to the police and file charges, roast the bastard in the public eye. Make him the world’s biggest pariah. But he also knew Zayn better than anyone else, and he knew he would never agree to that. He was painfully quiet and private. There was no way Zayn would ever risk people finding out about something like that. He wouldn’t be able to mentally stand it, Liam was sure of it. And to Liam, Zayn’s wellbeing and mental health was the most important thing.

                Liam and Louis had a few words about who was going to make that phone call to management to setup a meeting. Liam had demanded it be him. No one would defend Zayn the way he would, and he owed Zayn that. But Louis had adamantly vetoed it, claiming that Liam would let his emotions get away from him and this needed to be handled in the most sensitive way. Liam wanted to go back at Louis and remind him just how often his mouth got him in trouble, but Zayn simply touched his arm and told him gently that it was alright, just let Louis do it.

                Liam instantly stopped fighting and took a seat next to Zayn. He wrapped his arm around him as Zayn’s fingers were nervously drumming on the table. As Louis made that phone call, Zayn’s uneasiness became more apparent and Liam wanted to take that all away.

                The label hadn’t exactly been open to the idea of a meeting. Zayn was no longer a member of One Direction. There was no need for a meeting with someone that no longer concerned them. Louis forcefully, but professionally, pushed back and explaining that this was very much something that concerned them. This was not a request, Louis said, this meeting was going to happen. Liam hated to admit it, but Louis was right. There was no way he would have kept his cool through that phone call. Finally, they conceded and agreed to the meeting and it was set for noon the next day.

                Liam realized there were too many people at Harry and Louis’s house and he decided that he was going to take Zayn to stay at his place. It would be good for him to not have a bunch of people on top of him constantly. Besides, Niall didn’t seem to be doing all that well with the information Liam had thrown at him. Harry had refused to let Niall leave, being the protective best friend he was, and was making him stay with them for the time being. Liam wanted to let Niall have the guest room so he didn’t have to sleep on their couch again.

                Liam’s thoughts didn’t turn off before he drifted into a light sleep. That was probably why he was awakened so easily to a distinct banging coming from the guest bedroom down the hall. Liam was quickly out of bed, barely having a second to throw boxers on his naked body.

                He opened the door to the guest room and Zayn was very clearly not sleeping peacefully. His eyes were squeezed shut, his body was rigidly jerking back and forth and his hands were grasping at the comforter for dear life. The lamp next the bed was lying on its side, obviously having been knocked over.

                Liam practically ran to the bed but stopped himself from shaking Zayn out of the nightmare he was obviously having. Something told him that grabbing at Zayn forcefully might not be the greatest idea. He watched for a second longer as Zayn struggled with whatever horrors his dreams were plaguing him with. He felt the rage fill him up, but quickly pushed it back down. He couldn’t afford to let his emotions get away from him again, not now.

                He reached out gently and touched Zayn’s arm. He then leaned forward and brought his mouth close to his ear. “Hey Zayn, it’s okay.” he whispered.

Liam had no idea if that was going to do any good and his question was quickly answered when Zayn’s body tensed and he gasped.

“No!” he pleaded; eyes still squeezed shut, “I’m sorry, please!”

Liam swallowed back the acid that filled is throat. Zayn’s words, the tone of his voice, he instantly felt like he was witnessing something that no one was ever supposed to see, something he never wanted to see.

He reacted on instinct. He wanted to pull Zayn out of the dream world he was stuck in and back to the here and now where he was safe.

“Zayn!” he said a little louder, sitting down next to him on the bed. His hand one hand gripped his shoulder shaking him while to other stroked his cheek.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I won’t…” he whimpered, the sounded hitting right in Liam’s chest.

“Zayn!” he shook him again, his voice louder.

“I’ll be good. I’ll do whatever, just please, PLEASE!” he cried out and Liam found himself staring

into Zayn’s eyes.

They were wide and full of terror. He had no clue where he was and confusion flooded him. His arms were flailing, trying with little effect to push Liam’s hands off his body.

“Please, please no!” he pleaded, tears filling his eyes. Half of him was still in the nightmare.

“Zayn,” Liam cooed his hands trying to gently push his down, “Hey, hey! It’s just me. It’s Liam.”

Reality seemed to rush back in at the mention of Liam’s name. His eyes focused on the person in front of him and instead of seeing the sick desire in Barry’s face, he saw Liam looking down with concern and love.

Everything seemed to catch up to him at once and reality crashed down.

“You’re okay. I’m here. No one’s going to hurt you,” Liam soothed again, his fingers still stroking his cheek.

A loud sob escaped Zayn as he threw his hands over his face and tears rushed out of his eyes. The dream had been so real, so vivid, and more vivid than usual. It had been a while since he had that dream. He had hoped that he’d never have it again. It was just another wish that hadn’t come true.

Liam reached out and pulled Zayn to him, hugging him tightly to his chest. Zayn grabbed onto

him out of pure desperation as he let the tears escape.

“It’s okay. Let it out. I’ve got you.” Liam’s smooth voice repeated over and over in his ear as he gently rocked him back and forth.

After some time had passed, Zayn pulled away wiping the tears from his face trying to avoid Liam’s gaze.

“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice hoarse.

“For what?”

“Waking you up and… this…” Zayn trailed off attempting to lie back down, just wanting to shrink

away.

“Don’t apologize for anything, especially any of this,” Liam told him, his hand reaching out and guiding Zayn’s face to look at him, “I am here for you whenever you need me, always.”

They stared at each other for what felt like hours to Zayn, his chest filling with a weight only Liam could cause. Liam than got off the bed and looked down at him.

“Come on,” he said reaching out his hand.

“What?” Zayn asked confused.

“Come on. I’m not about to let you sleep by yourself after that horrible dream you just had and my bed is way more comfortable.”

Liam smiled and his eyes squished up, making all the fight Zayn was about to put up, leave his body.

They made their way back to Liam’s bedroom and Zayn nervously slipped under the covers, making a conscious decision to keep space between him and Liam.

This wasn’t the first, tenth, even hundredth time that he had shared a bed with Liam, but how soft and gentle Liam was being made him very aware of the feelings he secretly still harbored. With everything that he had been going through with Barry, it was hard for him to think about what he knew was always there for him. But now, that Liam was being so attentive, so protective, he felt something inside him he thought he let go when he walked away from the band.

They didn’t say too much at first and Zayn watched the white ceiling making patterns with the shadows of the branches outside the window.  He felt Liam turn and his finger tips reach out and graze Zayn’s forearm.

He turned his head and saw Liam’s brown eyes looking at him, “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked quietly.

He was caught off guard and thought about it. Did he want to talk about it? No, he didn’t really want to, but Liam’s eyes were like magnets and Zayn was pulled to them.

“It’s always the same. I’m always in my hotel room sleeping and I… I open my eyes… to Barry on top of me, trying to rip the blankets and my clothes. And I fight him… and I get away. I’m actually able to get away. But he stops me, tells me I better turn around.” Zany closed his eyes and caught his breath for a moment.

The dream washed over him making his heart pound in his chest. Liam noticed the increase in his breathing and started rubbing his fingertips up and down Zayn’s arm, scooting closer.

“Hey, you don’t have to talk about it. It’s okay.” Liam cooed.

“No,” Zayn said taking a deep breath, “I can do it… I always turn around for some reason and when I do, he always has someone. Sometimes it’s you or one of the boys. Sometimes, it’s one of my sisters, but he always has someone and he threatens me. Tells me if I don’t come back…”

He trails off, not able to finish. His voice caught in his throat. He closed his eyes and tried to shut it all off.

“Zayn,” Liam’s deep voice whispered as he felt finger tips stroke his face.

He opens his eyes and found himself eye to eye with Liam who was now leaning over him. Liam looked down at Zayn and tried to show all the love he feels for him. Zayn was not alone in this and he needed him to know that.

“You’re okay now. I’m never going to let him hurt you again.”

Liam fell back and laid back on the bed. He reached over and touched Zayn’s arm again.

“Come here,” he whispered.

Zayn turned his head confused, “What?”

“Come here,” Liam said gesturing to his open arm and bare chest.

Zayn felt that weight in his chest again and hesitated, but Liam just waited. Eventually, he slowly made his way over to Liam.

Zayn fell in to Liam’s nook, the spot between his arm and chest, and tried not to rest his head completely. He couldn’t help but see Liam’s toned stomach and didn’t dare place his hands anyway on Liam. He was just too scared to touch him in anyway.

“I’m serious Zayn,” Liam told him turning his head, only inches from Zayn’s face, “I will never let something happen to you again.”

Liam pulled Zayn closer to him, the he was just not able to put up any fight as he head slid closer and came to rest on Liam’s bare chest. He loved the feeling of Zayn so close. Zayn needed him and Liam realized he needed Zayn too.

Liam leaned his head down and rested it against Zayn’s forehead.

“I’m so scared Liam,” Zayn admitted, surprising himself.

“Of what?”

“Tomorrow, I don’t know if I can tell a room full of strangers what happened to me. I could barely tell you guys.”

Zayn felt Liam’s finger tips gently start to rub up and down his back and Liam’s lips pressed against  his forehead, kissing him gently, “I will be right there next you tomorrow. I will be there to help you the whole way. So will all of the guys. We’re all in this together, you’re not alone anymore.”

Zayn didn’t know how to respond vocally so he just relaxed his body further into Liam letting himself go, his hand coming to rest on his stomach as Liam pulled him tighter.

He wanted to stay like this forever, because he knew this would all just be a memory in the morning. But he would take that kind of memory; it had been far too long since he had a good one.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank-you so much for reading and commenting! This Chapter has minor mentions of sexual abuse and rape just an FYI! I hope you enjoy!

**“** Right this way,” the blonde behind the desk said to the five of them. They had showed up about fifteen minutes ago and were just waiting to start the meeting.

Louis lead the pack down the hallway, with Zayn lagging behind everyone.

Liam noticed right away and fell back, “It's gonna be alright.”

He gave him a soft smile and Zayn responded with a nod, but that didn't stop his heart from pounding in his chest and the fear to continue boiling up inside him. He felt light headed and stopped for a second and leaned against the wall.

“Zayn!” Liam said rushing to him.

The guys had all stopped and turned around nervously, “You guys go on a head. We’ll be there in a second.” Liam told them.

His placed his hands gently, but firmly on Zayn's shoulders.

“I don't know if I can do this Liam,” he admitted his eyes welling with tears.

God, why did he have to sound so weak? Why did he have to BE so weak?

“Hey, look at me Zayn. Just take a deep breathe and look at me.”

Zayn’s eyes traveled to Liam's and he took a deep breath. He wasn't sure if it was the breathing or the concern he found in Liam’s eyes, but either way he did calm down a little.

“I need you to remember, you will not be alone in there. We are in this together. No matter what happens Zayn, I’ll be right next to you the entire time.”

Zayn basically threw himself into Liam’s arms, so thankful to have him right now, when he needed him the most.

“Thank-you Liam,” Zayn told him.

He was so grateful for everything he had given him these last few days. And he was so thankful that Liam was giving him another chance to be in his life.

Liam pulled him back and cupped his face in his hands. He didn't say anything only smiled warmly before embracing Zayn again.

“Come on, let's go do this.”

They walked linked, with Liam’s arm around his waist towards the meeting room. Neither of them having any idea what was waiting for them in that room.

Zayn was just focusing on the feeling of Liam next to him, close to him. That was what was carrying him down this hallway.

Liam was wondering who they sent and just how many people would be sitting there. He was prepared for just about anything but prepaid for nothing at all.

They walked in the room and it was empty, except for Louis, Harry and Niall. They all looked at Liam anxiously.

“No one’s here yet,” Louis said, his leg starting to bounce again, “I can't believe they are actually going to keep us waiting!”

Liam knew the anger Louis was feeling, but he was trying to keep himself calm for Zayn’s sake, and for his own.

He guide Zayn to a chair near the head of the table, making sure to sit right next to him. Niall was sitting in the chair on the other side of Liam.

He felt so bad for the way he attacked Niall the other day. Everything with Zayn had been to much for him and he nearly had a nervous breakdown. Then hearing Niall was in danger, he couldn't allow another one of his mates to get hurt, not if there was anything he could do to stop it.

“Hey, how are you doing?” He leaned over and asked Niall softly.

It had been a lot for Niall to take in. He was traumatized by what happened to Zayn alone. Hearing that there was a real threat to his safety traumatized him even further. He wasn't sure how he was going to absorb all of this over time but the disgust and horror was something he was already dealing with.

“I'm okay, Liam. Louis and Harry are taking good care of me.”

“Of course we are,” Harry said placing a hand on Niall’s shoulder.

Liam was about to respond but the door opened quickly and Sharon Stewart, the director of operations for their label walked in, followed by Paul Coleson from their management.  Two more men followed in behind them.

Louis leaned forward and gestured for Liam to come forward, “I should have asked them to not send males. I should requested females.”

“It’s okay,” he told him, but wasn’t so sure about this himself.

He looked over at Zayn and saw the color had drained from his face and his mouth was in a twisted expression. He put his hand on his leg tenderly, reminding Zayn he was right here.

“Hello boys, I’m sorry to keep you waiting.” Sharon started as she took a seat at the conference table, “As per the request of your meeting, I am here. I brought along Paul, as well as two legal representatives, one for my company and one for Paul’s. This isn’t a normal procedure, having a meeting regarding the band and Zayn, a former member who is not represented by either of these companies. So the legal representation is just a precautionary measure. Don't be frightened by their presence, in fact try to ignore it.”

The formalities in her speech and the lack of sincerity in her voice was making all of them uncomfortable. Maybe it had been wishful thinking or just blind ignorance, but none of them saw it going like this. Liam wasn't liking this at all.

“Let’s get right to business, what issue brings us all here?”

The guys all took nervous glances at one another. Now that they were here, no one knew what to do or say. Sharon must have felt their hesitance and pushed it along.

“This obviously has something to do with Zayn,” she said smiling at him, “Does he want to join the band again, because we can probably work that out.”

“No, no that’s not it at all,” Liam blurted out.

“Then?”

When Zayn remained silent, Louis took the reins, “We’re here about Barry Anderson.”

Sharon’s head jerked in his direction in a rather telling way, her eyes narrowing, and her face grew tense, “What about Barry Anderson?”

Harry and Niall looked at each other, they both found her reaction peculiar. It was almost as if she knew all about Barry Anderson.

“We are not going to work with him anymore. We want him removed as a producer from our next album.” Louis told her.

She let out a chuckle and raised her eyebrow, “You do know who you’re talking about right? He is one of, if not the most influential producer in the game right now. If you could even make a demand like that why would you want too?”

“Because we are in danger,” Harry spoke up.

He couldn’t forget the way he felt when it became clear that Barry was going to take him to his hotel room and assault him or that he harbors an obsession with Niall. He felt ten times worse when he realized that Zayn, one of his boys, had been abused all this time.  He was sure he harbored feelings for Liam and Louis too. They were all in danger and there was no need to dance around that.

“Excuse me?” she asked, eyeing him.

“He’s dangerous,” Zayn’s spoke softly, making everyone in the room look in his direction.

Liam squeezed his leg reassuringly, trying to remind him he was there. He would always be there.

“How so?” Sharon asked, her voice low and dead.

Zayn took a deep breath and looked down at his hands, “He… assaulted me.”

“Assaulted you how?”

She asked that question way too quick, it was obvious that she knew the answer already.

“He raped me… repeatedly.”

Liam, as well as the other guys, were surprised to hear him say that word. But Liam was so proud of him, this was a step in the right direction. A small step, but a step for sure.

Sharon looked down at the table for a moment before catching eyes with her colleagues. It didn’t go unnoticed that she didn’t seem all that surprised by this information.

“When did this happen?” she asked.

“It started while we were recording the first album and didn’t stop until I left the band.”

She leaned over a whispered something to the man sitting next to her, obviously her legal representative. Liam wanted to ask her if she actually heard what Zayn had said. Why was there no reaction? He felt uneasiness settle over him. He caught eyes with Louis and knew he felt it too.

“Okay, let me start by saying I am very sorry you had to experience something like, it must have been very difficult for you. And I can promise you, as I’m sure my company will too, that we will do anything in our power to help you. If you need any medical or psychological treatment, by all means, will be happy to take care of that. I'm sure Paul here can say the same thing from his company.”

“Absolutely Zayn, I hate hearing about things like this.” Paul responded shaking his head.

This was ludicrous, all of their face were showing confusion and disgust and they were sure the people sitting at the table could read it.

“What the hell are you trying to say?” Liam asked, no longer able to control himself.

“I am trying to say that we will do everything we can to get Mr. Malik the help he needs. People, who have gone through traumatic sexual experiences, sometimes have serious lifelong issues they need help dealing with,” Sharon said.

“I was used like some kind of play toy whenever he felt like it. I was abused and beat and there were times I feared for my life. He wrapped a belt around my neck just because he got off on it. He did disgusting things to me!”

Zayn’s outburst caused Niall to noticeably flinch and Harry to shake his head in disgust. Louis and Liam were competing at who was angrier.

“Like Sharon said Zayn, we are so sorry for all of those things. No one is trying to diminish that, believe me but… our hands are tied.” Paul jumped in.

“He went after Harry! If Zayn didn’t happen to be in that bar he would have raped Harry! And he’s made threats against Niall, this is bloody fucking bullshit!” Louis yelled his anger getting the best of him.

“He made threats against you Niall?” Paul asked calmly.

Niall didn’t know what to say. Yes, there were threats, but not direct threats.

“He told me all the time how he wanted Niall. There were times he would talk about him while he was having… while he was raping me.” Zayn told them.

It was eating at his insides, the way they were acting like it was no big deal. It was not 'no big deal' for him when Barry was on top of him or choking him, forcing him to do things so vile that he felt like he was forever damaged from them. It shaped who he had become. He was not the same Zayn he was before that night Barry had come to his hotel room and that boy slowly disappeared a little more every time he was held down and raped.

Sharon and Paul spoke softly to each other for a second as Zayn watched them with intense eyes. He wanted to scream at them to look at him, look at the damage that was so apparent. But he stayed silent.

Liam sensed something in Zayn though and he reached over took Zayn’s hand in his own, “Hey,” he whispered, “I’m here. Just take a deep breathe like before.”

Zayn tried to, but this time even Liam’s words didn’t work to calm him down. The longer they stayed in their private conversation, the more he felt like screaming, like ripping his hair out.

“I’m not working with him!” Liam told them, tiring of the whispers.

“Neither am I!” Louis seconded, Harry and Niall followed suite.

“You don’t have a choice…” Sharon said quietly.

“You're kidding me, right?” Liam seethed.

“Are you seriously going to sit there and tell us you are going to force us to work with someone who raped our friend. Who went after Harry…” Louis started, his mouth spitting out the words.

“Nothing happened to Harry, so stop saying that! You are assuming something would have happened to him and Niall as well, but nothing actually happened,” Paul tried to keep his voice calm and even.

“But something DID happen to me! Don’t you not understand that?! He forced me to have sex with him for five years, do you have any idea what that did to me?! And he  was going to hurt Harry and he is a going to go after one of them. I am 100% sure of that! Why aren’t you listening!?” Zayn pleaded, his eyes suddenly filling with tears.

God, he wanted to die right there. The last thing he needed was to break down and cry in front of these people. He didn’t know if Liam noticed or could somehow read his mind. But, he squeezed his hand harder, running his thumb along the top of Zayn’s hand.

Paul hung his head, “I really am sorry, but there is nothing we can do for you boys. He is contracted to make your album and you are contracted to make your album. There is no way out of this, unless your plan on violating your contract. And honestly, a few months with a guy whose a bit of a pervert isn't worth what violating a contract would do to you.”

“A bit of a pervert?!” Liam was on fire, “He’s a fucking sadist!!!”

“You’re going to make me work with a rapist? You’re going to make us go into a studio and work with someone who raped our friend over and over again? Do you really think thing he won't try to hurt someone else? Do you think it's okay to do this?” Niall finally spoke up.

Niall was calm and cool, making everyone stop and look at him. He just wanted answers. He just wanted Paul or Sharon to explain how any of this was right!

Sharon just looked at them with a sad face, “I’m sorry boys, but there is nothing we can do,” Her tone was defeated.

      She wasted no time getting up from her seat and grabbing her things, the men all following suite.

“So your just going to leave? Your just going to ignore everything Zayn told you happened to him? How could you do that? How could you blow something like that off?” Harry asked, finally letting out all his anger.

“Our hands our tied boys and honestly so are yours,” Paul dismissed.

“You’re lying!” Liam yelled, “You just don’t have the balls to do what’s right.”

He wanted to be sick. This whole thing was the most disgusting thing he’s ever experienced. And his anger, he had never felt so much anger before.

She stopped and looked at all of them sadly but let her eyes linger on Zayn for a few seconds longer. She reached for a piece of paper and grabbed a pen and wrote few things down on a piece of paper.

“Here sweetheart, it’s the names of a few Doctors we work with that can help you find some piece in what happened. This isn’t uncommon in the entertainment industry and you can trust these docs to keep everything hush hush.”

She handed the paper across the desk towards Zayn, whose face had fallen into one of complete horror. The tears were about to break over the brim of his eyes, and he honestly didn’t care who saw if they did. He didn’t dare touch that piece of paper.

They made their way to the door when Louis called out to them in disgust, “I can’t believe you’re not going to do anything. You’re nothing but bloody cowards.”

She turned around and eyed him, “For the last time, there is nothing we can do unless Zayn is going to go to the police, which if your asking me, would not be a good idea. Barry knows people and has connections everywhere, so it will ultimately be his word against Barry’s and well… You know how those things go. Besides, do you really think he was the first boy Barry’s ever taken a liking too? Please, give me a break. Here is my advice to all you, even Zayn. Don’t be alone with him, ever. Go in pairs always and never tell him where you’re living or staying. If you avoid those situations, there is no reason something should ever happen. I wish someone would have given you that advise Zayn, maybe things could have been different for you..”

“Are you trying to blame him for what happened?! Is that what is really coming out of your mouth?” Liam yelled, wanting to break something.

She rolled her eyes, “I'm trying to help, I didn't mean anything negative by it. I'm sorry.” and she turned to the door.

She turned around one more time, “I’m really am sorry Zayn. You didn't deserve those things to happen to you.,” she told him before finally leaving.

The room fell into a thick quiet until Zayn let out a sobbed that rocked all four guys. Liam instantly wrapped his arms around Zayn holding him tightly to his chest, rocking him back and forth.

“This was not your fault Zayn! Nothing that happened to you was your fault! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!,” he kept repeating as he met eyes with Louis again.

None of them knew what to do as they watch Zayn fall to pieces and they realized that this nightmare had just gotten worse, much worse.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for all the comments and likes. I really hope you like this next chapter. I will hopefully get another update up in the next few days. :)

Things had gone from bad to worse since their meeting two days ago. No one felt safe. They were all on edge. They were angry, frightened and most of all, they felt betrayed. There label, their team was supposed to have their best interests at heart. Instead, they were turning their backs and forcing the boys to deal with this situation on their own.

Louis and Harry still had Niall as a house guest. Niall was terrified of sleeping anywhere that he was alone, not they would have wanted him to leave. Everybody thought it was for the best if Niall just crashed in their guest room.

Louis though wasn’t just worried about Niall, he was worried about Harry. Barry had gone after him so there was no sure way of knowing if he wouldn’t try again. He also felt like Harry was avoiding the topic when they would talk about the subject alone. And, although he would never admit it to anyone but himself, he was a little worried for his own safety.

Liam and Zayn were also a concern of his. Liam was carrying almost all of Zayn’s weight alone and he knew Liam internalized a lot. He hoped that his best mate would come to him if he needed a little help. They were all in this together.

Saying all this was tough on Liam was an understatement. Not just the emotional toll of seeing Zayn so hurt, so wounded, but also the physical toll it was taking. Liam was lucky to be sleeping more than three hours a night.Since the first night Liam had invited Zayn into his bed, he had slept there every night since. They were at the point now where there was no need to even attempt sleeping alone. Every night they would curl up together, Liam with his arms wrapped tightly around Zayn, trying to do everything in his power to make him feel safe. Almost like clockwork, Zayn would wake up three hours later in full on terror, screaming as if someone was killing him right then and there. Liam would wake up and do whatever he could to calm him down. Sometimes that was quick, sometimes that took a while, but he would regain some composure and eventually fall back to sleep. More often than not though, Zayn would have another nightmare that would wake him up in hysterics.

It was hurting Liam. It was tearing him apart and sometimes, he had no idea what to do. He knew deep down that Zayn needed to talk to someone who was a professional, but that wasn't his choice to make. All he was going to do was be there for him no matter what he decided.

All of them, minus Zayn of course, had a meeting regarding tentative scheduling for recording. No one wanted to do this, no one wanted to sit in a room with anyone employed by a company that had been so quick to write off everything they had said.  But here they were, waiting for the execs just like they were the other day. And in a cruel twist of fate, they were in the exact same meeting room.

“How’s Zayn, Liam?” Louis asked.

“He’s not doing that well… wakes up from nightmares at least once, sometimes twice or more a night. He’s on edge. I’m trying to do whatever I can to help but sometimes it’s not enough.” Liam confided in his mates.

“He needs to see a professional Liam.” Harry chimed in.

“I know that. I think he knows that too, but he’s not going to use anyone they gave him out of principal.”

“I get it,” Louis responded, “if it ever gets to be too much or you need to talk, we’re here to help you and him.”

Liam smiled as the door clicked open. He turned around expecting to find some executive but the person that came in the room made all the hair on his body stand on end.

“Hello boys,” he said.

Liam heard Niall intake a sharp breath and he turned to look from him, to Harry, and then to Louis. Their faces looked as terrified as he felt. His mouth was dry and the room was twenty degrees colder than it was one minute ago.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Louis spit at him, moving his entire chair closer to Harry and reaching out for his hand.

Barry laughed loudly as he leaned himself against the table.

Liam looked him over and really looked at him. He had dark hair and dark eyes to match his dark heart. He was a big guy, easily 6 feet tall. Liam noticed the size of his hands and the way he filled out his suit. He imagined the strength he probably had behind him and shivered at the thought.

“Well, you see, I am a producer on your new album, just like I was a producer on all four CDs you made before this one. I heard this was an album meeting and I figured I’d stop by a little early so we could chat.”

The tension in the room was apparent. All four guys were anxious and scared to even breathe. Liam looked over at Niall who looked like he was having a heart attack.

“This isn’t a meeting you need to worry about. This is about timelines and other stuff like that, you should go,” Liam said, somehow getting the words out of his throat.

He crossed his arms and eyed him with a look Liam couldn’t quite read, but he still felt is skin crawl.

“I’m feeling some coldness from you boys. What’s that all about? I always thought we were friends.”

No one said anything as they all tried to not look around at one another and bring more attention to how uncomfortable they all were.

“There’s no coldness, Barry. We are just…” Harry started, but Barry quickly cut him off.

“I heard through the grapevine you don’t want to work with me anymore. Does anyone want to tell me what that's all about?”

Louis and Liam briefly caught eyes. They both could tell they were thinking the same thing. Barry was getting angrier and more aggressive and they didn’t know if he might do something. And, neither of them knew what ‘something’ was. They had no idea how they could get out of this situation.

“We want to go a different way with our sound and were not sure if you’re the right fit the change,” Harry told him, sounding pretty convincing.

“Oh… I see... well, last week when we talked, you seemed really excited about meeting up and working on new material, and now this? I don’t know if I believe you…” Barry raised his eyebrows, his eyes locked onto Harry.

Harry felt unbearably uncomfortable.  The way Barry’s eyes were drilling into him, made him feel exposed. His hand squeezed Louis’s, gripping it desperately.

“He changed his mind,” Louis snapped, wanting to do nothing but protect Harry.

Barry pushed himself off of the table and took a step towards Harry.

“You still owe me that drink. It’s a shame we got interrupted. I bet we would have had a great time that night.”

Harry tried to lean away from him but there was nowhere to go. Louis was quickly in action, all but throwing himself across Harry.

“Why don’t you just fuck off!” Louis yelled.

Barry laughed, but took a step back towards the table, “You’re very feisty Louis. It’s cute.”

Liam had enough. This situation was too much as soon as Barry walked in the door. He should have put an end to it then. He should have ripped his face off. He should have wrapped his hands around Barry’s neck the way he did to Zayn. But he knew he had to stay in control and he needed to take control over this situation.

“Barry, you should go.”

He tried not to think of all those things Zayn had told him. He tried not to think about every nightmare that ravaged Zayn’s brain. Liam tried not to think of the pain he had caused. But, the more he looked at Barry; he wondered what hurting him, killing him would feel like.

“No,” he told Liam; bring him out of his thoughts.

“Excuse me?” Liam asked.

“The answer is no. I will not remove from myself from your album. I will not let someone else take my place. There is a lot of money to be made and I am not about to lose out on that profit. Besides,” he said as he leaned forward and put a hand on Niall’s shoulder, “We always have so much fun together.”

Niall felt like his heart was in his throat. All that he could see was Barry’s imposing figure looming over him. The voices around him started to fade, but he could still make out Liam yelling for Barry to take his hands off of him and Louis yelling something similar. All Niall could do, was sit glued to the chair and pray that he would leave him alone. He had no idea how Zayn survived any of this.

“I’m not playing with you; take your fucking hands off of him!” Liam screamed getting to his feet.

                Barry looked over at Liam, his hand still firmly on Niall's shoulder. He waited several seconds before pulling away. Niall took in an audible breathe, and slumped down in the chair. Harry and Louis were ready to pounce and Liam was still on his feet.

                The silence that filled the room was pregnant and sure enough Barry opened his mouth a few seconds later.

                “Do you boys think I’m fucking stupid? Do you think I don’t know what Zayn is saying about me?” his tone was callous.

                “Don’t you talk about him!” Liam yelled.

                “So cute Liam, so cute. I’m sure he loves how much you’re protecting him. He always was a weak little bastard. He should have taken it like a man.” Barry threw back.

                Liam went to lunge at him but somehow Louis appeared in front of him, “Don’t do it. Think about Zayn,” he told Liam, pushing him back.

                “I am thinking about Zayn! Get out of my way!”

                “No Liam, stop! Don’t give him the satisfaction!”

                Liam wanted to keep going for him, hurt him till all the pain he caused Zayn was caused to him. But, he looked at Louis and then at Harry and Niall and stopped himself. Zayn needed him and that was not going to help Zayn, no matter how bad Liam wanted to.

                “Are you done?” Barry asked, practically rolling his eyes.

                “Keep it up and I will let him go at you!” Louis yelled.

                “So touchy, all of you. You boys just need to relax.”

                “Go fuck yourself!” Liam yelled.

                “Well, I’d much rather just do that with one of you boys. What do you say, any takers, Harry, Niall… Zayn?”

                Liam saw red and pushed against Louis with all his strength. He was too far gone to realize that Louis was no longer holding him back. He too was now trying to get at Barry. If it wasn’t for Harry and Niall both jumping up and putting a barrier between them and Barry, all hell would have broken loose.

                Right then, the door opened and three of the executives from the record company came in the room. It was complete chaos, but the entrance of new people made everyone stop in their tracks.

                “Is everything okay?” the woman asked.

                “Fine, just fine, Judy. I was having a nice conversation with the boys. They got a little worked up about recording details. No big deal. I was on my way out anyway.” Barry told her, the imposing cold figure suddenly replaced by the charmer.

                Liam and Louis still wanted at his throat, but Harry and Niall were holding them back.

                “Boys I will see you soon, when we start recording,” he told them as if what just happened had never occurred.

                Before he left, he stopped and turned around, “Oh and Liam please do tell Zayn I said hi and that I miss him a lot.”

                Liam’s eyes went wide and he growled like some kind of animal.

                “No , no no! He wants your reaction, let him go, just let him go!.” Harry said, his hands pressing on Liam’s chest.

Harry then turned to the three executives, “We need a moment alone, please!”

                After the door clicked shit behind them, they all stood still, almost like they were in shock.

                “Oh my fucking god…” Niall said.

                They all looked at him and Louis reached out to him, “Jesus Niall, Are you okay?”

                “Yea, yea, I think so…” he croaked out.

                Harry reached over and hugged him. Louis grabbed Harry’s shoulder, “How about you, are you okay?”

                He nodded while still embracing Niall, “I will be. Stay with Liam, he’s about to lose it.”

                Louis turned to Liam whose hands were wrapped in his hair. He was walking back and forth, his nostrils flared in anger.

                “Li?”

                “Don’t Louis, don’t come over here and tell me to calm down.”

                “I'm not going to do that. I just want to make sure you’re okay.” Louis said.

                “Well, I’m not okay! He came in here on a mission, to scare us and to scare Zayn. He knows what Zayn told us and that we’re powerless! What the fuck are we going to do, Louis?!?!”

                “First were all going to calm down because we can't think straight like this. Then we are going to come up with a plan…”

                “I should have hurt him Louis. You guys should have let me...” Liam said, ignoring what Louis had just said.

                “Stop it Liam, now! You can't go all crazy on us again. We have to figure something out. Like tell the police or… I don't fucking know. But, I need you mentally here!!!”

“No police, Louis! Did you not see what happened because we told some woman who works for our record company?! Do you believe her now when she said he has control and connections, because I do! And you know what, that was a threat! Whatever we do, cannot involve police.”

“I never said I didn't believe her. I'm just saying… We have to figure something out and I don't think we should cross that completely off the list.” Louis said, trying to reason.

“No police, Louis!” Liam demanded again, “that was Zayn's wishes okay?”

“Well why don't we ask Zayn what he wants to do when we tell him what happened? Maybe he'll change his mind…”

                “We CANNOT tell Zayn, we absolutely can’t! This will send him over the edge and I don’t know if he'll survive that. Guys please listen to me, WE CANNOT TELL ZAYN!!!”

Liam was desperate to make them understand that telling him was the worst possible idea. He knew what this would do to him. They would figure this out, they would, but without involving Zayn.

                They looked at Liam and exchanged glances with one another. They knew they shouldn't keep something like this, it was wrong. But, how wrong is something when you’re doing it for their own good?

“I think Liam's right guys,” Harry spoke first, “this situation is now much worse without even involving Zayn. Imagine what it would be like if we told him?”

                Louis sighed, “I think you’re right about Zayn, but I also think I'm right about the police…”

Harry cut him off, “Lou not now okay? Just… Let's deal with _this_ first.”

Louis just nodded.

“Liam, you need to get control and relax because those people are going to walk back in here. We need to pretend everything is okay because you can guarantee Barry is going to find out what we said after he left. Besides, if you want to keep this from Zayn, you have to leave it here. We will get through this meeting and then we will figure out how we ALL can get through this, okay?” Harry said reasoning with all of them.

Liam took several deep breaths and tried to calm himself. He knew it wouldn't be instant but Harry was right.

This situation was fucked up and shitty but it was the situation they were very much in. They need to go at it with clear heads and not under stress. If they were going to get through this that was the only way.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again AS ALWAYS for the comments and kudos and just the interest in my story! This next Chapter is long, but it's a turning point of sorts in the story. It does contain an Attempted Sexual Assault and some violence, just a heads up. I hope you enjoy and I'll have the next Chapter soon!

 Niall sat quietly in the empty studio strumming on his guitar. He let his fingers play the tune he was hearing in his head, trying to focus on only the music and keep everything else in his brain at bay.

He had gotten the email about a studio session late last night. All it said was that they would be meeting around 2pm at Wayward Studios in West Hollywood. So naturally, Niall wanted to get into his musical head space and he showed up around 1pm.

After Barry had shown up at their meeting last week they were all unsure what the right move to make was. They couldn't decide what would be the best thing to do next, which put them at kind of a stand still. I didn't help that the past week had been quiet. So maybe, Niall liked to think, the universe made the decision for them and leaving it be, not saying anything to anyone else, would make everything stay quiet.

A day or two after the meeting, Niall decided it was time for him to leave Louis and Harry’s. He appreciated how much they had done and how they helped him deal with everything, but he needed some space to get his mind back on right. He needed to deal with everything they found out about Zayn, Harry… and himself on his own.

So, he found his way back to the hotel he always stayed in when he was in LA. It was nice to be alone and it was nice to feel like he wasn't so helpless that he couldn't take care of himself.

It was so late that when he got the email he waited till morning to send a text to Louis’s phone, asking what time he and Harry would be arriving at the studio. He hadn't heard back from him yet.

He was busy listening to only the sound his fingers were creating. He glanced at the time and noticed it was 5 to 2. Had he really been here that long? Almost at the exact same moment his phone buzzed on the table, the screen saying he had a call from Louis.

“Hello?”

“Niall, Niall?!” Louis panicked voice came through the line, “thank god you answered! Are you at the studio? Please tell me you didn't go!!”

Niall was so confused and let the guitar go limp in his hands, “what… yea…  I'm here. What's wrong?”

“We did not get any email. I think… I think you were set up. I think Barry sent it…”

He couldn't breathe. Terror washed over him at just the thought that Barry could show up and he was alone. He felt a dread start to fill him up and his hands started shaking.

“Niall, you need to leave now. Get your ass out of there now!” Louis yelled.

“What if it's too late? What if he's right outside the door? You guys have to come!” Niall begged his panic very real.

“Harry and I are an hour away. We’ll never make it! Call Liam right now. We're going to head there just encase though, okay? But you need to get out of there, do you hear me?”

“Yes…okay…. I'll call Liam and I'm getting my stuff now!”

Niall was in going into shock it felt like. This couldn’t really be happening!

“Okay, relax. You’re going to be fine.” Louis reassured him.

Was that true? Neither of them really knew. But, Niall took a deep breath, trying to calm himself enough to grab his things. He could leave them, but Barry would know he had been here. He knew he had barely minutes left, before he was going to walk in that door and Niall was going to be alone at his mercy. He needed to move and move now!

He quickly hit Liam’s name in his phone and the two rings felt like two hours as he waited for Liam to answer. He was praying that Liam was in the parking lot and maybe this wasn't Barry setting him up after all.

 “Hello?” Liam said on the other side of the line.

Niall tried to keep his composure, but he wasn't doing all that well, “Liam! Liam where are you? Are you on your way to Wayward?”

“Niall? What… Wayward studios? No… Why would I…”

“Oh my god,” he gasped, “I called Louis and Harry and they never got the email. Did you get the email about coming here today?”

Liam knew something was horribly wrong, “calm down Niall, what's going on. I'm not coming to any studio and I didn't get any email? Tell me what's happening.”

He was trying to keep his tone steady so Niall wouldn't get anymore worked up then he sounded.

“I got an email… Only me… It didn't say just me though. I thought you guys… He's coming, Barry's coming! I'm trying to leave now; Louis said to get out of here!” His voice cut off as his brain was whirling 20 miles an hour.

Liam took a deep breath but stayed as calm as possible. He needed to get Niall out of there. Even if this was a false alarm, they couldn’t risk it.

“Louis is right; you need to leave right now!”

“I am! I'm leaving now,” his voice was higher than usual and Liam could hear the shuffling and the opening of the door.

“Oh god, Oh no!” Niall squealed in a hushed tone.

“What is it Niall?” Liam demanded.

 “He's here. HE’S HERE!” Niall almost screamed and quickly pulled back into the room.

“Barry’s there?!” Liam said, finally allowing what he was feeling to show.

“He's here Liam! He's at the end of the hallway. There is no way I can get by him. Oh my god, oh my god!!” Niall's voice was breaking, and he felt like he couldn't breathe. He's legs were like jelly.

“Fuck!” Liam yelled, “okay, okay. Listen to me Niall!”

“Liam please, Please help me!” he was losing it and Liam had to reel him in. It was essential.

“Niall stop and listen to me! Are you listening to me?” Liam’s tone turned soothing, but yet still forceful.

He heard Niall take a deep breath. “Yes, oh god! Oh my god!”

“First you need to calm down, okay? I know it's hard but you have to calm down. Then, and I know this is going to be hard, but you have to trust me. You need to go back in the room and pretend like you never called anyone. He needs to think you had no idea he was coming. You have to keep him talking! I know your face shows everything Niall, it's so hard for you to lie, but you have to do this, okay?!”

Niall closed the door behind him and rested his back against it and closed his eyes. Liam was right; he had to keep calm and try to lie. Everything hinged on it.

“Okay, okay, I'm going to try.”

“No! You have to Niall!” Liam said forcefully.

He nodded, and remembered Liam couldn't see him. He swallowed, “okay! Tell me your coming Liam, Please!” he pleaded.

Liam knew nothing was going to stop him from getting there, even if he had to drive 100 miles an hour

“I'm coming, I'm coming, okay?! Just stay calm and I will be there as quick as I can!”

“Please hurry! Please!!” And he forced himself to hang up the phone.

He pulled the phone away from his ear and squeezed his eyes closed. Deep breaths, he told himself, just keep taking deep breaths. Panicking was not going to help him through this.

He quickly made his way back to the chair he was sitting in and made a conscious decision to put his phone in his pocket. God forbid one of them tries to call him or text, Barry could see, Barry could figure it out.

If only he had noticed he had sooner. If only he hadn't been so oblivious to something that was so obvious. He could hit himself for being so stupid. But there wasn't time for him to think like that. He needed to keep himself focused on only the here and now. That was the only way he was going to make it through this.

Not a minute later, the door open and Barry stood in the doorway. There was a smile spread across his face that made Niall want to run. How did he end up here? How did he let this happen? He knew it was his fault, that it was his naïve nature that now left him unprotected and vulnerable in the arms of monster.

“Niall, I'm so glad you made it.”

He took a few steps further into the studio and Niall heard the click of the door so loud in his ears, it was like nails on a chalkboard.

“Barry,” he said trying to sound unfazed and strong but he knew his voice betrayed him.

“You got my email. I was so nervous you wouldn't come after everything that's happened.”

He was coming closer and Niall fought the urge to shrink into the chair. He fought the terror that was overwhelming inside of him. If there was one thing he needed to remember, it was to stay calm. If he could do that, maybe he could hold him off just enough till Liam got here.

“I thought about not coming… But the music… Ya know?”

Did that even make sense? He didn't know but it didn't seem to faze Barry who just kept talking.

“It's hot in here don't you think?” he asked as he took off his jacket.

He was wearing a grey t-shirt that hugged his arms just enough to show off the size of his biceps. He was probably strong enough to crush his wind pipe if he wanted to, Niall noted.

“I'm fine,” Niall said.

He smiled at Niall from across the room. His eyes traveling up and down his body, making Niall want wither away to nothing. What if Liam didn't make it? What if he couldn't get a key card from the desk? Niall didn't know if he would be able to survive like Zayn did. He wasn't sure he was that strong.

“You sure you’re not hot? Cause it's pretty hot in here.”

He was trying to get something from Niall but Niall wasn't sure what that was. But, he was talking; if he kept Barry talking then maybe he could hold him off long enough.

“No I'm not hot actually I'm a little cold.”

“You’re cold? I can lower the air!”

He turned and walked toward the thermostat and Niall quickly yelled for him to stop. He didn't know what Barry was playing at but he didn't like it.

Barry stopped but raised an eyebrow, “Okay, I won't touch it, just trying to make you comfortable.”

“I said I'm fine,” Niall snapped.

He nodded his head and silently made his way back to the chair that was holding his jacket. It was almost like he was strategically placing himself between Niall and the door, the only way out. The threat was obvious and eminent.

“Do you remember when we were making four and I came up with that idea of you recording in your underwear? That was fun wasn't it?” Barry asked, his eyes so intense Niall felt exposed.

Niall’s whole body stiffened as the memory played through his mind. They were recording _‘Steal My Girl’_ and for a reason he couldn't remember he decided to take his shirt off while recording. Barry was sitting on the bed, watching him. He thought nothing of it at the time, but now…

Barry was the one who suggested he take his pants of, _‘Come on Niall, take your pants off too. Let lose boy!’_ And Niall, like a fool, did.

He remembers going into Zayn’s room and dancing, Barry watching from the doorway. The look the washed over Zayn’s face when Barry he suggested he strip too before recording was so telling now. _‘it's so liberating right Niall?’_ He said and Niall agreed, not knowing why Zayn’s face was tight or why he had stopped laughing and grown quiet. But it all made sense now and it made him sick to his stomach.

“Yea, I remember,” he croaked out trying so hard to not express anything.

“Maybe we should do that right now, what do you say?”

Barry said it so matter of fact, Niall was not expecting it and couldn't hide the look that spread on his face. It was only an instant but that was an instant too much.

“Well?” Barry asked pushing away from the chair and walking towards Niall.

“No,” Niall said, surprising himself at how forceful he sounded.

“No, why not?” Barry said, almost taunting him.

He was standing almost on top of Niall now and with Niall still seated, he felt so small.

“Because I don't want too!”

“You wanted to then, what changed?”

He was holding has hands together in front of him and Niall was trying not focus on them. He was trying not to imagine the damage those hands could inflicted on his body.

“That was over a year ago… I'm just not…”

“Is this because of everything with Zayn?” Barry sighed as he asked, like it was a bother, like how dare Niall, or anyone for that matter, let this stupid Zayn thing become anything of importance.

“No!” Niall said a little too fast, giving his lie away, but he tried to sell it anyway, “I just don't want too.”

He shook his head like a father disappointed with his son, “Niall, Niall, Niall, this could have been easy for you. This could have been different… Stand up!”

Niall felt his heart beating so loud, he was sure Barry could hear it. He was too terrified to move.

A minute later after Niall didn't budge, Barry’s demeanor changed and he got a glimpse of the evil that Zayn had seen far too much of. He leaned down and grabbed a hold of Niall arm yanking him forward and out of the chair. Niall’s mouth fell open in a silent scream as the pain in his arm was overwhelming, not having any choice but to get on his feet.

“Does that hurt, huh?” Barry asked, his face inches from Niall’s, letting go of his arm with a push.

He stayed there, three inches separating their faces. Niall was frozen, wondering what he was going to do. How did it take such a turn? He had him talking. How stupid was he to think Barry wasn’t going to make a move?

Barry's hand came up and touched Niall's check and Niall felt a shiver run over his entire body. He did everything he could to not flinch away but it was an instinct that he couldn't stop. Barry must have been anticipating that and his other hand roughly pinched the back of his neck. The large fingers yanked on his hair, holding him in place. Niall couldn't stop the whimper that escaped his lips.

Barry laughed as a look appeared in his eye that Niall could only describe as desire. This was worse than he ever thought. He held him there for several moments forcing his eyes into Niall's as he licked his lips and brought his thumb to Niall's lips, running it across them.

Niall didn't know how he was still breathing, he just tried to focus his mind but he couldn't stop thinking about the look in Barry's eyes.

“I'm gonna put those lips to good use today,” he said, almost like he was thinking out loud.

Niall gasped and tried to flinch away only to have searing pain from the yanks on his hair hold him in place.

Then, the hands were gone and Niall almost collapsed back into the chair. His legs were shaking; in fact his whole body was shaking.

Barry flopped down in the middle of the couch and patted the spot next to him, “come sit down Niall.”

It wasn't a request; it was very clear it was a command. Only Niall couldn't move. All he could think about was trying to get away, trying to stop what he knew was going to happen. Dear god where was Liam?

“Niall, I'm not going to tell you again, sit down!”

The forcefulness, the coldness in his voice made Niall snap into action. He stared at the door and thought about if he could make, could he get out of here before Barry could grab him. It was something he had to try.

Quickly he ran towards the door, his hand actually touching the doorknob before an arm wrapped around his waist and a hand gripped his hair, painfully dragging him away from safety, from freedom.

“You’re so fucking stupid Niall, so fucking stupid! It didn't have to end up like this. You've been listening to Zayn’s stories too much. He's dramatic, always was. It wasn't all bad. I think he enjoyed it sometimes.”

He was dragging Niall back to the couch. Niall was trying to pull away, escape one more time. He knew though he wasn't getting away, his only hope was Liam. Please PLEASE Liam, get here now. He was running out of time.

He threw him like a rag doll onto the sofa, taking two seconds to undo his own belt and pants before straddling the quivering boy.

“I didn't want to have to be so rough with you Niall, but you had to run. This could have been a better experience for both of us!” He leaned down and gripped Niall's face, forcing them to meet eyes, “but don't worry, I'll enjoy this either way.”

Niall was thrashing and screaming, even though he knew no one could hear him. The room was soundproof after all. He was trying hard not to cry, not to show weakness like that, but feeling the weight of Barry on top of him, his body pressed against him in such a perverse way was making it hard to keep the tears at bay.

“Please Barry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, PLEASE!” He begged his hands reaching up and trying to push his hands off his face.

“You are so beautiful,” he whispered ignoring Niall's pleas.

His lips coming down to graze the side of Niall’s face, his hands travel up Niall's legs and touching him in a place so intimate that Niall instantly reacted.

“NO!!!No, no, no, no! Please, please, no! I'm sorry I'm so, so sorry!”

He was using every muscle in his body to fight Barry. He might not be able to get away but he wasn’t going to make this easy for him. Niall was going to fight till there was no fight left in him.

“You one direction boys are so feisty, God I fucking love it!”

He kept touching Niall as Niall tipped his head back as choked back the tears that were about to fall. Suddenly, the studio door flew open.

His eyes blurred as he heard voices and then felt the pressure of Barry’s body leave his own. His mind went a little fuzzy after that.

Liam didn't know how he did it so calmly, but he did. He and Zayn arrived at Wayward Studios and he was able to convince the lady at the desk there was an emergency and he needed a key card. She thankfully bought it almost instantly.

He did not want Zayn coming, but Zayn had insisted. Liam hadn’t seen him standing in the doorway when he was on the phone with Niall. As soon as he heard Barry’s name, there was no stopping him. He was going to go with Liam to help Niall. Liam didn't have time to fight with him, but he wanted too. This was going to be a horrible idea, Liam was sure of it, but he had to get to Niall.

Now, they were busting into the studio to a horrific scene. Niall was pinned underneath Barry, who was almost twice the size of him. Barry's hands were pawing at Niall, trying to pulls his shirt up and unbutton his pants. Niall's hands were uselessly clawing at Barry trying to make him stop.

“Get the fuck off of him now!!!” Liam yelled, rushing into action.

Zayn on the other hand froze. He pushed his body against the door, and tried not have a full on panic attack.

As he watched Niall and Barry in front of him, he tried not to let his mind slip into flashbacks of himself being held down, Barry's hands clawing at his cloths, whispering vile horrible things in his ear. No one ever busted into save him. He knew all too well where how this struggle always ended for him.

Barry was now off Niall, who had curled into a ball. Zayn knew he should go to him, make sure he was alright. If anyone knew what he was feeling, it was him. But, he couldn't move, his body was paralyzed as he saw Barry standing ten feet away.

He hadn't seen Barry since that night in New York but this was different. All of this was too much.

“You’re fucking disgusting! You need to get out of here now before I call security!” Liam yelled, his rage too overwhelming him.

Barry slowly zipped his pants up and laughed, “You make me laugh Liam. You try so hard to be so tough.”

Zayn could see Liam shaking with anger.  He should do something, say something, but he couldn't. He was still paralyzed against the door.

“I'm serious you son of a bitch! Get out of here before I make you get out of here.”

It happened in slow motion; Barry’s hand reached out and gently stroked Liam's cheek, “maybe I should have chosen you. You would have been real fun to break.”

Liam's entire body went statue still, his hands falling to his sides. Zayn saw the fear in Liam's eyes and the proud look on Barry's face and somehow that was what sprung him into action.

He flew away from the door and placed himself between Liam and Barry. “Don't you touch him, don't you dare!” He yelled.

He was now so close to Barry and the adrenaline that rushed through him to protect Liam was gone. He pushed his back against Liam's chest trying to get as far away from Barry as possible. Terrified he might touch him, hurt him again.

Liam instantly pulled Zayn behind him, no other desire then to protect him.

“Awe, isn't that cute! After all this time Zayn, you're still in love with him!”

All the air was sucked out of the room at that moment. Liam whipped his head in Zayn's direction his eyes big and his expression one of shock.

“What, you never told him how you felt about him? Whoops!”

Zayn instantly dropped his head wanting to die at that very moment. That secret was more personal than even what Barry had done to him. He never wanted Liam to find that out. Liam didn't feel that way about him, he was sure of it. And he couldn't bare to lose Liam as a friend because his feeling got in the way. But now…

The silence in the room was torn away when Niall let out a loud whimper, his body still curled in a ball. Liam rushed into action and ran to him, leaving Zayn's secret in the spot he left.

“Niall, oh god Niall, it's okay, I'm here, we're here. We made it.”

He was on his knees running his fingers through Niall's hair.

“Leave or I'm calling the police!” Liam said to Barry, the tone in his voice so callous, Zayn almost didn't recognize it.

Zayn was still cemented in the center of the room as Barry grabbed his jacket from the chair and turned as if to leave. Zayn watched him eye Liam for a second, and could feel it in his nerve ending that Barry was planning something. Liam was too engrossed in Niall to realize what was happening until it happened. Barry reached out and pulled Zayn to him. Zayn gasped, his body shaking uncontrollably almost instantly.

“You stupid fucking piece of garbage, this is the second time you got in my way. First it was Harry and now Niall. It's almost as if you’re jealous I'm not fucking you anymore. Well, you won't get in my way next time, I can promise you that. Just remember, you asked for this!”

Zayn felt his tongue flick his ear as Zayn was pulled away from him.

He was so worked up, so terrified, he hadn't heard Liam screaming to get away from him. He didn't even feel Liam's hands pulling Zayn back from Barry's grasp.

Barry was gone and out the door as he felt Liam wrap his arms around him.

“It's okay Zayn, he's gone! Don’t listen to what he said. This is not your fault, it’s not!” Liam said trying to get Zayn's eyes to focus on him.

Zayn opened his mouth to talk but he was shaking so hard that nothing could come out.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, come here.”

Liam pulled him over to the couch and sat them both down next to Niall. He wrapped one arm around a traumatized Zayn and rubbed his other hand up and down Niall's back. Somehow he grabbed his cell phone and called Louis.

“Liam? Are you there? Is everything okay?” Louis asked in a panic.

“Louis, oh god, Louis,” he said almost crying himself, “it's bad. It's so bad. I'm so stupid, so fucking stupid. I couldn’t stop Zayn from coming.”

He heard Louis in take a sharp breath, “Bloody, fucking hell! Niall… is Niall okay…please tell me he didn’t?”

Liam could hear the dryness in Louis voice as he asked that question. The way he was waiting with baited breath.

“I got here in time, but barely… Are you almost here? I can't help both of them by myself.”

“We’re driving as fast as we can. I’ll be there soon, I promise! ”

Liam hung up the phone and rested his head against Zayn’s, and gripped Niall a little tighter. He prayed that they were all going to be okay because right now, that was all he could do.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thanks again for all the comments and kudos and just being interested in my story! It really makes me excited to write! I really hope you enjoy this next chapter. I will have another update soon! Enjoy!!!

“It’s okay Niall, I've got you,” Harry whispered as he held him in his arms. 

Louis and Harry showed up as quickly as they possibly could. What they walked in on was a true nightmare. Niall and Zayn were almost catatonic and Liam looked like he was about to have a nervous breakdown. 

They ended up back at their house not really sure where else to go. It became chaotic almost as soon as they arrived. Niall was clinging desperately to Harry as he broke down into hysterics as soon as they sat him down. Harry just kept stroking his hair, hoping to calm him down. 

Zayn found himself back in the windowsill, leaning forward with his head in his hands. Tears were leaking from his eyes like a running faucet. Liam was on his knees in front of him. His hands desperately trying to move Zayn's away from his face. He was trying just as hard to get him to talk. 

“Hey Zayn come on, I need you to look at me,” he said gently. 

Liam’s voice was soft and soothing, but even that wasn't enough to make Zayn look up. His body just kept quivering in sync with his tears. The only thing he could think about was Barry and the way he grabbed him and pulled him close. It was all too familiar. Zayn could feel his hands all over his skin and it made him want to pull it off. Barry's words were like a broken record on repeat in his brain. The guilt and disgusted it made him feel was nothing compared to the terror it inflicted on him. There was a very real threat laced in Barry's words and Zayn knew very well that Barry never used empty threats. He didn't know what else to do but cry harder. 

Liam was desperately trying to make eye contact with Zayn. He was finally able to move Zayn's hand from his face. Ever so gently, he brought both of his own hands up and swept Zayn's cheeks with his thumbs, trying to brush away his tears. But, the tears were falling faster than he could wipe them. And Zayn refused to lift his eyes to meet Liam's.  

“Zayn, love please!” he begged, but Zayn didn’t budge. 

Louis was pacing the floor watching everything go to hell around him. He was at his breaking point and couldn't keep it in anymore, this had gone too far. 

“I'm sorry, but this, this is just too much! Am I the only one that is actually seeing what’s going on?” 

“Louis, don’t you dare!” Harry scolded. 

He and Lou had talked privately about this entire situation. They respected each other’s opinions, but they had completely different ones. Louis was adamant about how he felt things should be handled. They needed to get the authorities involved and things needed to be taken care of. In Louis's mind, there was no other option. Harry didn’t see it that way. He saw the level of control and manipulation Barry had on just about everyone. There was a real concern about what could happen if they opened the mouth to the wrong person.  

He knew Louis meant well, but there was a time and place to bring these kinds of things up. Considering both Zayn and Niall were in hysterics, this was not the time or the place. 

“If I don’t say it now Harry, when am I going to say it?” he said. 

"Louis, please?!" Harry begged, but Louis ignored his pleas.  

“I'm sorry... but... we need to call the police. I think we've kept quiet long enough.” 

Liam turned and looked at him hard, “Harry was right. Now is not the time for this.” 

“Oh yeah? If not now, than when? Do we wait for him to actually rape someone again?” 

“Jesus Christ Louis!” Liam yelled. 

“I'm not trying to be heartless, I'm really not.  I just feel like I'm the only one who is really thinking about this clearly! Everyone one of us is in danger and we need to do something about it. We need to go to the police!” 

Louis really wasn't trying to be an ass. He just wanted to help all of them stay safe because he was sure that Barry would always be a danger. He made that very clearly today.  

“I'm not going to the police,” Niall croaked out, his voice raw from crying, "I'm not!" 

His hand gripped Harry's shirt and he silently pleading with him to not make him do it. 

“No one is going to make you talk to the police if you don't want too,” Harry soothed. 

Louis was outraged and couldn’t hold back, “NO!! Don't tell him that, don't do that Harry! He needs to tell the police! What would have happened if we hadn't realized something felt off about that e-mail, or Niall hadn't answered the phone when I called to warn him, or Liam didn't get there in time? We all KNOW what would have happened to him! And Zayn... just take a fucking look at Zayn. This is destroying him. How is it fair to Zayn that this keeps happening? How is it okay that he keeps being tortured every time Barry shows his disgusting face? He raped him for five years, FIVE YEARS and we’re supposed to just let it be? No, no way! We need to get someone involved who can help!” 

Louis hadn't planned on losing his composure but he couldn’t hold it back. Tears filled his eyes as he pleaded with these four guys he loved as deeply he loved his siblings. This wasn't about anything except protecting them and saving them from a predator. 

“Have you lost your god damn mind?!” Liam yelled, his eyes narrowed, “this is not the time to say shit like that!” 

Zayn's crying had grown harder, his fingers now gripping his hair. Liam was desperate to calm him as he grabbed a hold of Zayn's wrists and pulled his hands away from his head. "Zayn, please calm down. I need you to just take few deep breaths, can you do that for me, please?!" 

Zayn didn’t respond though and Liam just begged harder. 

"Look at you, Liam! You’re desperate to help him. Don’t you see that I am too?  We need to call the police!” 

“No!” Zayn suddenly said bring his tear stained face up and looking at Louis, “I will not talk to the police. Don't you get why this is happening? This is about me opening my mouth to someone in the first place. Don't you see that? He's doing this because I told you guys; he's doing this because I went to the label. And if the label couldn't do anything, what makes you think the police can?” 

“Because they're the bloody police Zayn!!!” Louis said outraged. 

“Don't you think I thought about going to the police when this first happened? I realized real quick that he had control over everyone. He has all the power and connections everywhere. I can guarantee that going to the police will make it worse!” 

There was no anger in Zayn's voice; he just wanted everyone to know the truth. There was no trumping Barry, he had all the control. It was best to leave it alone and maybe it would all go away. 

“He's right Louis,” Niall joined in, “he taunted me, said things to me. He talked about Zayn. If we just let it be, maybe he’ll stop. I don't want him to get away with what he did Zayn or tried to do to me, but I'm pretty sure no one can help us. If we just let it be and keep our mouths shut maybe he’ll just go away. Maybe he won't try to hurt…” 

And Niall couldn't finish, the tears coming again and Harry pulled him back to him. 

Louis felt bad, he felt horrible actually, but their words didn't convince him. He still believed that if he could sway Liam and Harry, maybe they could convince Zayn and Niall to see what he was saying. 

“Liam, please, you have to see my point! Look around, look at Zayn!” he pleaded 

Liam saw his point, he did. But looking at Zayn didn't make him agree with Louis the way he was hoping. It wasn't his choice or Harry's or Louis’s. It was Zayn's and now Niall's.  

“I am looking at him Louis and I'm not going to forcing him to do anything he doesn't want to do. Hasn't he dealt with that enough?” 

Louis felt like Liam had just smacked him in the face, “You're kidding me with that Liam, right?” he asked, extremely offended. 

“I'm not trying to take a shot at you, I'm really not! I'm just trying to protect him and he if doesn't want to go to the police, I am not going to force him. You need to let it go!” 

“I can't believe this, I can't fucking believe this!?” Louis said shaking his head.  

He paused and looked around the room, just trying to make sense of everything. His eyes locked with Harry's and he felt a surge of hope, surely Harry would side with him. 

“Harry, you have to see my point, right?” 

Harry stared at him with a pained expression and didn't say anything at first. Louis knew what he was going to say and it already hurt. 

“Lou, I… We talked about this before… I just… I don't think we should push anyone into something like that …” He was trying so hard to not hurt Louis, but it didn't work. 

It stung to not even have Harry in his corner with this, "I can't believe you can’t see my point." 

"Don’t Louis, Don't!" Harry warned, not wanting to get into an argument right now. 

Louis just shook his head and turned away from Harry's face, “Apparently, I'm the only one that is thinking clearly, but there is nothing I can do about it!” 

“Louis, let it go! Please!” Liam begged still on his knees in front of Zayn. 

“It seems like I don't have much of a choice, now do I Liam!?” 

“Don't play that. This isn't about you not getting your way, this is serious!” Liam said. 

“Do you think I'm fucking stupid and don't realize this serious?! I've been living this as much as you have Liam. I was there for both those meetings! I was there when Barry should up and threatened us!” 

He didn't mean to say it, he really didn't. He just got so angry that no one was listening, that he completely forgot they hadn't told Zayn about Barry's surprise visit. It was out of his mouth before he could stop it. Liam's eyes grew large and his face went white. The entire room became eerily still. 

The words sunk into Zayn's brain slowly and he felt like he had been hit in the stomach. Barry had showed up at a meeting? Why didn’t he know about it? Did they really keep that secret from him? 

“What do you mean Barry showed up at a meeting?” he asked, his voice deep. 

He was asking all of them, but his eyes were locked on Liam. 

Liam saw the look on Zayn's face and stumbled on his words, “it was… We had a meeting about the album… We had no idea he was going to show up…” 

“Barry came to a meeting and you didn't tell me?! What did he do? What did he say?” 

Zayn felt like his heart was being ripped from his chest. How could they not tell him? How could Liam keep something like this from him? 

“He told us… He tried to scare us, let us know that he knew what you had said... I didn't want to upset you Zayn. I didn't want you to worry. You've been doing so well and I was just trying to protect you…” 

Liam felt desperate to make Zayn understand he was never trying to hurt him. The pain in Zayn's eyes though was beginning to eat at his insides. 

“How could you Liam, how could YOU not tell me? How could YOU keep that from me?” 

It was all of them that had kept the secret, he knew that. But Liam, that hurt him the worst. He felt like crying, but God, that was all he did lately. A thought washed over him and it quickly came out of his mouth before he could stop it. 

“I want to go home.” 

Liam nodded, “Okay, we can go back to my place.” 

“No, I want to go home... to England. I… I'm going to take the first flight out tomorrow.” 

Louis, Harry and Niall looked from Zayn to Liam. They couldn't believe what they were hearing. No one knew what to say. 

Liam was speechless. His body was numb from shock. It was almost too much to handle. 

“Zayn, are you sure?” Harry eventually asked. 

He nodded and eyed Liam. Liam still couldn't say anything. It just hurt too much. It was like someone was twisting his insides back and forth and trying to pull them out through his throat. He couldn't believe Zayn was going to leave him. 

“Do you want me to go with you?” He asked.  

Liam wasn't expecting to say that out loud, but wasn't able to hold it back. He knew the answer before Zayn even said it, but he still hoped he was wrong. 

"No,” Zayn told him matter of factly, “coming here, bringing all of this on you guys was a mistake. I thank-you for everything you've done, but I need to leave… alone.” 

Liam was expecting that answer but it didn't make the blow less. He couldn't even say anything, his vocal chords in a vice. He just nodded. Zayn gave him a sad smile and turned and left the room. 

It was so quiet as Liam stood there empty. He couldn't believe he was going to lose Zayn again. He couldn't believe he had been so stupid. 

“Liam, I am so sorry,” Louis finally said barely above a whisper. 

Louis just felt so horrible. If he could take his words back he would. He hoped Liam could see that. 

If he did, Liam didn’t seem to care. He just stared at him hard, “Fuck off Louis.”  

His words were filled with venom and he too stormed out of the room.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks again for all the comments and kudos and just general interest in this story! Sorry it took me longer than usual for an update, the holiday week-end was a little busy for me and I just couldn't sit down to edit it any sooner. My next update will not take as long! Hope you enjoy this chapter, it was one of my favorite to write!!! Thanks again :)

The ride home was unbearable. Liam tried desperately to get Zayn to talk to him only to get complete silence as he stared out the window. He must have apologized a thousand times over and it was obvious Zayn didn't want to hear it.

He locked himself in the guest bedroom as soon as they walked in the front door. Liam almost broke down into tears as he got himself ready for bed. It took all his control to not go bang on the door and beg Zayn to let him in, but he figured that would just make it worse.

He was so angry with Louis for opening his mouth, but he knew deep down it was his own fault. How did he ever think it was appropriate to keep a secret like that from Zayn? He had a right to know what had happened; god knows he had been through enough. Liam was just trying to protect to him, but he realized now that he went about it in the wrong way.

Liam walked from the bathroom to his bedroom like a zombie as his mind honed in on Barry and what had transpired today. Barry was the one to blame. Barry was responsible for this disaster. He saw Niall lying there, trying desperately to defend himself. He saw Niall fold in on himself the minute he was free, like his mind wasn't able to really process the attack that had just occurred. He saw Barry reach out for Zayn to pull him close, like it was slow motion and Liam couldn’t move quick enough to stop it. He heard the words he said to Zayn; saw the way Zayn’s face fell. There was an unsettling fear in his gut that if Zayn left, he would never get the help he so desperately needed. And the thought that it could be all his fault, was almost too much for Liam to handle.

His brain kept running in circles about Barry. His face seemed to have emblazoned itself on Liam's mind. The slick smile as zipped up his pants or how he acted like his actions were no big deal, made Liam want to find him and hurt him. He even remembered the feeling of Barry's hands on his face, threatening him just enough to make Liam freeze up. He was never good at defending himself.

But Zayn had defended him. Even after everything he had been through at the hands of that man; Zayn still placed himself between the two of them. It was enough to make Liam's heart swell in his chest. No one had ever cared for him that selflessly. And then Barry's words came back to like a rush of air. He had been so overwhelmed by everything else; he forgot what transpired in that fleeting moment.

_'After all this time, you're still in love with him_ ,' those words were suddenly on repeat in his head.

Zayn was in love with him? There was no way that was true, no way. But he remembered the look on Zayn's face and the way the color drained from it and he wasn't so sure anymore.  If Barry’s words were true, Zayn had feelings for him all this time? If they were true, Liam thought he must be the stupidest person around.

Why wouldn't Zayn have said something? Well, he knew the answer to that. There were probably ten thousand reasons why; it made no sense but all the sense in the world.

But Liam realized none of this mattered anymore now that Zayn was going back to London. No matter what happened, Liam was sure that if Zayn left, this time it was for good. His eyes filled with tears as the anxiety of losing him again swept over him. This was going to be even harder than when he left the band.

He turned over and tried to push the tears and pain away. But, his eyes fell on the empty spot in his bed that Zayn had been filling and that was enough to make the tears break the brim of his eyes. A few tears trickled down his cheeks as he ran his hand over the empty spot on the bed. Eventually, his tears dried up but he laid there and his heart felt as empty as the space beside him.

"Liam," a small voice said suddenly.

Liam quickly turned and shot up in bed, completely surprised to see Zayn standing in the doorway. His back was hunched over and he was holding his arms around his chest. It was blaringly obvious he was upset and Liam was wondering if this was at him or if he had another nightmare.

"Zayn?" He asked.

He was not expecting Zayn to speak to him tonight. He wasn't sure if Zayn was ever going to speak to him again.

"I... I had a nightmare... it was horrible..."

And his tears came streaming out, his body folding over. His shoulders hunched and he shock with the tremors that ran through his body. Liam was out of bed as quickly as he could, running to Zayn without thinking about anything else. He reached his hands out to comfort him, but Zayn shockingly pushed Liam away.

"Don’t!" He yelled.

Liam was stunned, but that quickly turned to hurt. He felt like he had been punched in the stomach multiple times. He pulled his arms back and stood there, his heart breaking as Zayn kept crying.

Zayn picked his head up, pushed his body against the wall behind him, and banging his head against it. His eyes were squeezed shut as he sobbed.

"I just want it to stop!" He cried.

Liam was nervous; Zayn seemed as close to snapping as he ever had. He stood still, not reaching out touch him like he so desperately wanted too. He couldn't let him fall over that edge, no matter what.

"What do you want to stop?" He asked gently.

"Being so god damn weak! All I ever do is cry. I feel so broken Liam. I feel like everyone thinks I'm damaged goods, like I'm not a complete person anymore."

And that was what made Liam move his feet and reach for Zayn again. Zayn still tried to push him away, fighting, crying, and whimpering. But Liam wasn't going to give up; he would never give up on Zayn.

"No one thinks that Zayn, no one! Oh Zaynie, please don’t do this to yourself." Liam told him, his hands desperate to get a grip on him.

_'Just relax Zaynie,'_ all he could hear was Barry's voice, feel his breath on his neck again.

He knew they weren't Barry's hands trying to grab at him, but it didn’t make any difference. All he knew was someone was trying to touch his skin and he didn’t want to be touched. There were so many times he didn’t want to be touched. He pushed Liam with every ounce of strength he had in him. It was enough to make Liam stumble back several steps completely stunned by Zayn’s actions.

The room became still around them and Zayn looked at Liam's expression. There was hurt in his eyes and Zayn couldn't look at him anymore. It was too painful. He felt his legs give out and he slid down the wall curling up against it. His forehead fell onto his knees and he let more tears out.

Liam waited a minute before slowly approaching Zayn. He fell to his knees, so they were on the same level and slowly, very slowly, reached his fingers to graze Zayn's skin.

He whimpered and looked up. It was indescribably painful to see Zayn like this. Liam wondered how his heart, which was already broken into a thousand piece, could break into even more.

"Please Liam," he begged, "Please don’t ever call me Zaynie... he used to call me that..."

"Oh god I'm so sorry. I didn’t know, I swear! I won't call you that ever again, I promise!” Liam said desperately.

Liam brought his body just a little closer, his one hand rubbing Zayn’s arm gently and the other traveling up to tenderly push some of his hair back, before traveling down to his cheek. Zayn rested his face against Liam's hand as he closed his eyes and cried a little more.

"Why Liam, Why didn’t you tell me about Barry? How could you keep that from me?"

Liam had never felt smaller than he did at that moment. He wasn’t sure he could ever forgive himself for it.  

"I thought I was protecting you. I didn’t want to worry you or make you feel like any of this was your fault. You weren't wrong for telling us or trying to get help. I am so sorry Zayn. It was the worst thing I have ever done. It was stupid and I… I will never, ever do something like that to you again!”

Liam was now stroking his hair with his other hand as Zayn's face was still pressed up against his palm. He had moved his body so close to Zayn's they were nearly intertwined.

Zayn looked up at him with a sniffle the tears finally subsiding, "I don’t want to leave Liam. I don’t think I'd survive without you.”

It was such a raw honest statement and it hit Liam in the gut. Instinctively, he pulled Zayn to him and squeezed him as tight as he could.

"Oh dear god Zayn, don’t leave! I need you too! I felt like I was going to die when I thought you were going to leave! Please stay, please stay with me!”

Zayn melted into Liam's arms and he soaked himself in the words. It meant so much to him, more than he ever thought it would.

"Can I sleep with you again, Liam? The nightmares aren't as bad when I'm with you?" Zayn asked.

"Are you kidding me? Of course you can! My bed felt empty without you." Liam told him.

Liam's back was starting to hurt from the awkward position they were seated in so he slowly got off the floor and helped Zayn to his feet. He guided them both back to his bed and laid them down.

It was like second nature, the way Zayn's body melded right into Liam's, resting his head on Liam's chest as Liam’s hand ran up and down his back. His own finger tips drawing small circles on Liam's stomach. Zayn wasn't sure how he ever considered leaving. No matter how angry he was, nothing felt as good to him as laying here with Liam.

They laid like that silently for a while until Liam spoke, "Zayn, are you awake?"

"Yeah," he responded.

Liam shifted, turning his body just slightly towards Zayn, his hand stroking Zayn's cheek to make him look up. Liam's eyes were so soft, like a river of melted chocolate. There was an intense look in them as they gazed into Zayn. Once they locked eyes, whatever Liam was going to say had slipped out of his mind. He stared down at the beautiful man in his arms and felt something inside him he had never felt before.

He didn't really know how to describe it. It felt like a longing, a yearning almost, but it was so much more intense. All he knew for sure was the feeling was about Zayn, caused by Zayn.

Liam's fingers kept stroking the smooth skin of Zayn’s cheek, his eyes locked in. He moved slowly not wanting to scare him, still not really sure himself what he was doing. Ever so gently, he let his lips brush against Zayn's. It was like an electric shot charged up his entire body.  Slowly, very slowly, he moved his lips, kissing Zayn's pillow like mouth. He had to use all his might not to lose control when he felt Zayn respond and begin to move his lips in sync with Liam's. An audible sigh came from Zayn as their lips danced together.

When Liam pulled away, he stared down at Zayn's face. His eyes were closed and his mouth was open just barely. Zayn was beautiful and sexy and Liam had no idea how he had never noticed all of this before. He wanted to kiss him again and again and again. But he couldn’t, not with everything that Zayn was dealing with. He already felt guilt building up because of what he just did.

"Zayn... I... I'm sorry." He told him, his hand still not able to leave Zayn's cheek.

Zayn finally opened his eyes at Liam's words and looked up at him confused, "What?! What are you sorry for?"

"Kissing you like that... I just... God I just couldn’t stop myself. I know I shouldn't be doing something like that with everything you’re dealing with but… God! And were friends, I probably just single handedly fucked up our friendship!" Liam was rambling now, all his insecurities showing.

Zayn smiled softly and placed his hand onto Liam's arm, "Please don’t apologize Liam. That was one of the nicest moments I've had in a long time. I can’t remember the last time I kissed someone because I wanted too."

Liam understood and it broke his heart. He couldn’t help wrapping his arms around Zayn tightly, God, he even that had been taken from him.

"And you’re not ruining anything, especially out friendship,” Zayn added.

They stayed tight in their embrace for a while until Liam finally pulled back and smiled down. That feeling was there again and that unrelenting urge to kiss Zayn. He was going to fight it. They needed to figure things out first, before they complicated anything. But Zayn surprised Liam by making the first move this time.

He had thought about kissing Liam's lips for years. He tried not to, but the thoughts always crept back in his brain. And now that they actually kissed, it was better than any fantasy he ever had. He knew this was not the smartest thing, he had a lot going on with Barry, but Liam made his feel safe. And, it felt good to have someone kiss you like that and actually want it. It made him feel like a man again.

 He turned all his thought off and lifted himself up just enough that he was level with Liam. Zayn brought his face closer and closer till he felt their lips connect again. The feeling was overwhelming and when Liam gripped him tightly, he felt his body melt to Liam's touch.

Their lips began to dance again but this time it had a little something else behind it. It was still soft but they were both falling into a heavier rhythm. Zayn felt alive when he felt the tip of Liam's tongue ran across his bottom lip, asking for permission. Zayn didn’t hesitate and opened his mouth.

Liam felt Zayn's tongue run across his own and he felt like every nerve in his body was burning with desire. He was getting extremely turned on, he could feel it. Never in his wildest dreams did he think he would be doing this with Zayn, but he was. And, he was more turned on than ever. He tried to adjust himself slyly, so Zayn wouldn’t notice. He wasn't sure how he would react. He didn't want Zayn to think for a second he was going to take advantage of him in anyway. It was bad enough he was making out with him, when he was dealing with so much. But, there was just no way he could stop now.

Suddenly, he felt Zayn's finger tips graze his thigh, traveling up his leg, "Zayn, no," he told him gently taking his hand away.

"But, I can feel... I'll take care of it."

And Zayn meant it; Liam could see it in his eyes. But there was no way in hell he would let Zayn do anything of that nature to him. Not yet anyway. They needed to take their time with this, whatever this was, and Liam needed to be sure Zayn had his head on straight before they crossed a line like that. He needed to make sure he had his own head on straight, still not sure how they got here to begin with.

"No Zayn, that’s just not a good idea right now and I don’t think that’s something either of us is ready for.”

There was a little hesitation from Zayn but eventually he nodded with a small smile on his face. Liam leaned in for one more, soft kiss.

"Liam?" Zayn asked when he pulled away.

"Yeah?"

"Thank-you."

Liam smiled, "For what?"

"For everything, for making me feel human again. For making me feel safe." Liam just pulled Zayn close to him, never wanting to let go.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again everyone for comments and kudos and interest! I get so excited to work on this story knowing people are reading! Here is the next Chapter. Hope everyone enjoys and I'll have the next update soon.

Liam sat nervously at the restaurant table, waiting for Louis to join him. He didn’t really know why he was so nervous. This was Louis after all. Maybe it was because he never did well when it came to apologizing and he owed Louis a huge one. Yes, Louis had let their secret out, but who was he to keep it from Zayn in the first place. Liam placed all the blame on Louis. It wasn’t right, especially because of how horrible Louis felt about it. He just had to let Louis know how sorry he was.

                After everything that happened the other day, Liam decided to talk to Zayn about what he wanted to do about this entire situation. It was just the two of them, not four other guys giving different opinions. Liam made sure he didn’t say too much, wanting Zayn to really tell him what he wanted. Zayn still didn’t want to go to the police. He was scared to bring that kind of attention to what happened. It could have horrible consequences, especially if they didn’t believe him. Barry would surely get wind and Zayn was adamant that if they thought he was dangerous now, they had no idea what he was really capable of. If Niall wanted to get the authorities involved, Zayn couldn’t control that. But, as far as his situation was concerned, the answer was no.

Liam wasn't completely sold on that idea, a part of him did agree with Louis. But it was not his decision. This had happened to Zayn and despite what was transpiring now, it was still his choice. It was his right to handle it the way he wanted.

They also talked about Zayn talking to a professional. And Liam meant it when he told Zayn that if nothing else, he needed help. They could stay wrapped up in bed together for however long Zayn needed; Liam was more than okay with that. But, he was aware that it wasn't going to help Zayn all that much. The nightmares might be less severe when Liam was by his side, but they were still there.

Zayn agreed wholeheartedly and Liam was pleasantly surprised. He wanted to get better. Last night, he had confessed to Liam that getting a taste of what it felt like to be normal again was enough to make him want to fight for it. Liam just hugged him close feeling a little lighter than he had in a long time.

They had been doing a lot of that lately, hugging, cuddling, whatever you want to refer to it as. They had always been touchy feely with one another, all the guys had, but since Zayn started sharing Liam's house, it had been almost constant. At first, Liam thought it was because of everything that Zayn was dealing with. Liam had always been a comforting type person, not afraid to show his affections. But, after their little make out session the other night, Liam was thinking that maybe he enjoyed being close to Zayn because he was interested in more than just friendship.

It was obvious to Liam now, that he was attracted to Zayn. He had always thought that Zayn was one of the most beautiful humans he had ever seen. But when they kissed, he had gotten so turned on that he knew there was no way he didn’t have a serious attraction for Zayn.

Louis walked out on to the terrace, his eyes searching the tables for Liam’s face. Liam raised his hand, waving Louis over.

“Hey mate,” Louis said sitting down.

He didn't sound angry or irritated, kind of catching Liam by surprise. Liam thought sure that Louis was going to be mad at him and now it seemed like he was wrong. Either way, he still owed him that apology.

“Hey Lou, thanks for coming.”

“Why wouldn't I?” Louis asked grabbing the menu.

“Cause I was a dick the other night and I owe you an apology. You could have easily been like, nope screw you, I'm not coming.”

Louis laughed and smiled genuinely, “it's okay, I'm not mad at all. I shouldn't have let my anger get the best of me. I need to calm down sometimes.”

“You got in so much trouble with Harry, didn't you?” Liam laughed, already knowing he was right.

Harry and Louis were so much like an old married couple already, it was hilariously cute.

“Oh, you have no idea mate. He chewed me out so hard. He even almost slept with Niall in the guest room just to prove his point, but he reluctantly came back to bed, said he couldn’t fall asleep knowing I was so close.” Louis said with a laugh.

Liam smiled at his friend, knowing just how much the two of them loved each other, “That’s cute.”

“He’s cute… he’s my Harry.”

Louis had a look on his face only Harry gave him and Liam smiled. He felt bad to have to change the subject, but he had too.

“Well, even though you disagree, I still think I owe you an apology.”

“I appreciate that Liam. I really do and apology accepted.”

They ordered beers and some food before they started talking again.

“We got your text about Zayn staying, is that temporary or did you talk him into staying for good?”

“He's staying for good,” Liam told him.

Louis looked at Liam and wondered what he wasn't saying. Liam never gave answers like that unless he was hiding something. They knew each other too well for Louis to not see there was more to this story.

“Yea? That's good! You were pretty torn up when he said he wanted to leave.”

“It was horrible Louis. I didn't know how I was going to deal with it.”

Louis just nodded. He was well aware of how Zayn felt about Liam. Zayn never out right said it, but he had confirmed it in his own way a few times when it was just Louis and him. But when it came to Liam, Louis wasn’t so sure what was up. Although, he had his suspicions about Liam and his feelings. This was one of those times that he was suspicious.

“Did you have to wallow for his forgiveness?” Louis joked.

“No,” Liam said seriously, “he went to sleep in the guest room instead of my room and had a really bad nightmare. He came to me having a meltdown of sorts, but we worked threw it together.”

Now Louis was alert now. They _worked through it together?_ Zayn _slept in the guest room instead of my room_ ; they were still sharing a bed? There was certainly something else going on here and Louis was pretty sure Liam was having a hard time keeping it in.

“Is he okay?” Louis asked, toeing the line, not wanting to push Liam too hard.

“Yea, he's actually doing really well. We talked a lot about what we need to do versus what he's comfortable with. He's going to see a therapist. We've started looking for one. He really wants to get better.”

Louis couldn't be happier. But, he also couldn't pretend he wasn't a little distracted hearing the term _we_ used over and over.

“That's really great, mate. You'll let us know if you need anything?”

“Absolutely!” Liam paused and hesitated clearly having something else to say.

“What is it Liam?” Louis asked.

“I talked to him about the police again.”

Liam was careful, he didn't want to fight about it again and he knew how Louis felt.

Louis scowled a little, “I'm sure he still feels the same…”

“He does,” Liam interrupted, “but he's got really good points. Barry is dangerous and if no one believes him he's setting himself up with a serious target on his back.”

Louis waited a long moment, clearly thinking before speaking, “I can understand that. I really really can but what if something could be done by talking to the police? What are we just supposed to wait around like sitting ducks till he goes after one of us again and hope that were lucky enough to get away? Liam he was going to rape Niall, he came way too close…”

“I know Louis, I saw, remember?” Liam interjected annoyed.

“Okay, than how can you not think about that and want to make sure that it never happens again?” Louis asked, trying not to get worked up.

“I do want to make sure it never happens again. But how could you ever expect me to force Zayn to do something like that? He's not avoiding it because holding back or something. There is a real valid fear behind it. I’m sorry Louis, but it's his choice. He was the one who was raped.”

Louis sighed frustrated, “Liam I know that… I just… I want that bastard to see justice!”

“So do I, god so do I! But… I just… can't do that Zayn. I care about him too much.”

Liam let it sit in the air, the words even swirling around his own brain. Those words had a deeper meaning to him now. It was like a flash going off in his mind.

“But caring about him, doesn't that make you want to…”

“Let me ask you a question Louis. Just… Just imagine this was Harry,” Liam said stopping Louis.

Louis face tightened, he didn’t like to think about what almost happened in New York.

“He went after Harry, remember?”

“No, I mean… imagine that what happened to Zayn had happened to Harry instead. Wouldn't you do whatever you had to, to protect him? Wouldn't you do whatever he asked?”

“You cannot ask me that Liam! Harry and I… our relationship is different.” Louis tried to explain.

Harry was the love of his life. They were going to get married and have a family. There was no comparison.

“Maybe it isn't…” And Liam just stared at Louis, his face expressive but yet unreadable.

Louis went to open his mouth to go back at Liam, when the words hit him. And we he locked eyes with Liam; he knew that his suspicions were right.

“Liam, what are you trying to tell me?” Louis asked softly

Liam took a deep breath. He needed to talk to someone about this, someone whose opinion he valued. He needed to it to be someone he trusted. Louis was all those things.

“Things… Things are a little complicated between me and Zayn…”

“Did something happen?” Louis asked right away.

“Yea…”

“You do know what I mean by something happening right?”

Louis eyed him and Liam simply nodded, “yes, I do and my answer is still yes.”

Louis was trying to comprehend it.  There were so many questions. There were things he wanted to yell at him for, like Zayn was in no state of mind for this. But, first he needed to hear the whole story.

“Why don't you tell me what happened.”

“Lou,” Liam hesitated, “you’re not going to tell anyone right?”

“Seriously, Lee?”

 “Okay, okay. It started in the studio that day with Barry. In the middle of all the mayhem, he made a comment about Zayn still being in love with me. I was so overwhelmed by everything that happened, I just forgot about it. After we went back to my place and Zayn locked himself away in the guest room, I laid in my bed and just thought about everything. How stupid I was to keep things from him and how much I didn’t know how I was going to survive if Zayn actually left. And then I remembered.”

“I didn’t believe it at first. I mean it’s been almost 6 years and he is my best friend. I would have noticed, I would have seen it. But, I remembered the look on Zayn’s face when Barry said he was still in love with me and I knew, I KNEW it had to be true.”

“How did it make you feel?” Louis asked.

“I was curious more than anything. I was curious as to why he never told me. I was curious about why I only felt curiosity. I was curious if he really still felt that way. But I was overwhelmed with emotions thinking he was going to leave me and… Louis, he’s slept in my bed every night since we reconnected. He wasn’t there and I just felt as empty as the spot on the bed was...”

“Zayn came in almost right after that and he was really upset. He was really mad at me, but we worked it out. He crawled back on bed with me and we were cuddling,” Liam looked at Louis, “We’ve been doing that a lot.”

Louis said nothing, but raised his eyebrows.

“Anyway, it happened out of nowhere. I looked down at him and I just… I had to kiss him Louis. I had never wanted to kiss someone more in my life. So… I did.”

“You kissed him? Like a peck on the cheek or…” Louis knew the answer but he wanted to hear Liam say it.

“No Louis, a kiss. And holy hell, my entire body tingled when we kissed. The next thing I knew we were making out.”

“God damn Liam,” Louis let out, “I was not expecting all of this!”

“Imagine how I’m feeling…” Liam responded.

Louis took a few seconds to collect his thoughts and figure out how he was going to go about this. He didn’t want to sway Liam either way. He needed to figure out what he was feeling without any influence from Louis. That didn’t mean Louis wasn’t going to try and help.

“Well, let me ask you this first. Are you attracted to Zayn?”

Liam laughed, “Yea, I would say so…”

“Are you sure? Or could it be you maybe kissed him because you were in the moment. And you found out how Zayn feels about you and maybe you just want to help him so bad that you’re mixing up the way you’re really feeling. ”

Liam’s face grew serious, “I’m sure Louis. I had like a 10 foot raging boner just from making out with him. I had never been that turned on from making out with someone.”

Louis eyes almost popped out of his head, “Oh shit!”

“And it didn’t go away. Zayn wanted to… you know… but I would never. I mean not never just… I mean…”

Liam was rambling now, his face getting red. Louis felt bad for him. He just needed to relax and go with this. As far as Louis was concerned, Liam and Zayn always had a thing; it was only natural that they would be exploring it.

“Relax Liam,’ he tried to sooth.

“I literally had to go jerk off in the bathroom once Zayn fell asleep because it wouldn’t go away.”

Louis laughed loudly. Liam was funny when he was a out of control. He got a little crazy.

“Relax,” he repeated, “It’s okay.”

“I just… I don’t know Louis. Now that it’s happened, I want to do it again. I want to explore it. But, I… I can’t do that with him right now. He’s got too much going on and I fear this might make everything more complicated.”

Louis couldn’t agree more.

“Okay here’s what I’m going to tell you. There’s something between you and Zayn, something more than friends, in my opinion. But, you need to be so careful, so so careful. He’s is going through so much right now and I worry he might do something he thinks he’s ready for and he’s not.”

“I know I was thinking the same thing,” Liam said, sounding defeated, “I felt bad even after we kissed.”

“Well, don’t feel bad, it happened and it’s good it happened. If there is something there, you guys owe it to yourself to figure out what it is. It’s scary, believe me I know, but you don’t want to end up forever wondering.”

Louis thought about when he and Harry first met before they were together. It took longer than people speculated. They were as close as close can be, but they didn’t really talk about what they were doing until almost a year after they met. They were already living together and things had gotten a little physical, but the relationship was lagging behind. Once they talked about it, shared how they were both feeling, everything fell into place. It was terrifying but the best decision he has ever made in his life.

“I’m not scared of how I feel, I just… I don’t want to do anything to upset him.” Liam reasoned.

He had never thought of himself being with anyone other than a girl, but he was never scared of the idea of being with a man. He had just never been around a guy he wanted to be with, but Zayn, Zayn was changing all of that. And Liam wondered if these feeling were always there, just not at the surface.

“Have you talked to him about it?” Louis asked.

“No,” Liam admitted.

“Liam! You have to have a conversation with him about this. You can’t just get all hot and heavy with your bestie and avoid the topic.”

“I wasn’t avoiding the topic… I just… I don’t want to do anything that he’s…”

“Liam, listen to me. Just be honest with him and he will be okay with that. You’re not putting any pressure on him either way, as long as you’re honest.”

Liam nodded knowing Louis was right. Their conversation went quiet until Louis started to laugh, “What?” Liam asked.

“Poor Niall, too bad we weren’t a six piece group. Then we could all couple off.”

“Funny Louis,” Liam said rolling his eyes.

 “No, but seriously, poor Niall.” He kept laughing.

“I don’t think Niall cares. I think he’s happy the way his life is.” Liam said.

“Yeah, I guess… but I wonder which one of us he would want if he was going to pick?" Louis asked in all seriousness.

“Oh god, I don’t know… well no, that’s not true. It would be Harry for sure… and maybe Zayn. He wouldn’t want us mate.”

Louis considered it and nodded, “Yea, I think you’re right.”

Liam shook off the conversation and laughed, thankful for Louis. He always knew how to make him feel better even when he thought there was no hope.

When he got home, he was going to talk to Zayn about what had transpired between them and make sure they’re both happy and comfortable. That was the most important thing.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The response I got from the last Chapter was amazing! Thank so much to EVERYONE! I hope everyone enjoys this next Chapter just as much. :) As always, I'll have another update soon. Thanks again everyone!

Liam felt good, no, he felt great now that he had sat and talked with Louis. Getting everything out that he had been thinking and feeling, felt like a weight had been lifted and it was nice to know he was talking to someone understood what he was going through.

Liam had done a lot of thinking about how he was feeling and saying it out loud to Louis, made him sure of everything. He felt something more than friendship for Zayn and he had been feeling it for a while, he just hadn't noticed it. Now that Liam was being honest with himself, he needed to be honest with Zayn.

He walked up to the door and tried the door knob. He wasn't surprised to find it locked. Zayn was home, he was sure of it, but he knew Zayn was a little anxious when he was left alone. He hadn't outright said it, but it was quite clear. What did surprise Liam though, was that both the bottom and deadbolt were locked. Liam tried not to dwell on the twinge of sadness it gave him. Today had been good; he was going to focus on that!

"Zayn, I'm home!" he yelled loudly, as he stepped into the foyer.

He placed his keys down and waited for a reply, but there was only silence. There was a nervousness that started to creep up on him, but he tried to push it away. Liam was sure he was overreacting. He walked into the living room and there was no sign of Zayn. He continued into the hallway where he looked into the bathroom and the sitting room off the living room and they too were empty. His heart was working its way into his throat as he thought about all the horrific possibilities. Liam needed to calm down.

"Zayn!" Liam yelled again, trying not to sound too alarmed.

Again, only silence replied to him. His fingers gripped his cellphone in his pocket ready to call Louis or Harry or Niall or anyone really, fear settling into his stomach. Then he walked into the kitchen and saw Zayn sitting at the table with his back to him.

Relief rushed over him and his shoulders slumped just a little as he let out air that he had been holding in, "Jesus Zayn, you scared the crap out of me!" 

What Liam didn't realize was Zayn hadn't heard him at all. He had ear buds in, listening to music as he was busy sketching something on the piece of paper in front of him.

He hadn't had the desire to write music or paint or draw or do anything creative in a long time. But, he's been feeling better, more like himself lately. After Liam left, he had felt the desire to create come over him. He plugged his ear buds to his iPod and just started drawing.

All of a sudden, he felt hands grip his shoulders and he instantly started to panic. His breath hitched and his mind only thought of one thing; Barry. Barry must have gotten Liam's address and found out he was staying here. Somehow he must have gotten inside, even after all the extra precautions Zayn took. He must have known Liam left him alone. Now he was here to hurt Zayn and do god knows what again. NO! No, no, no, no, NO!!!

Zayn jumped up and yanked the ear buds out as he pulled his body away from the prying hands. He threw his body up against the wall, hardly able to breathe, “Get away!” He yelled, cowering.

“Zayn, Zayn, oh my god, I'm sorry! I didn't realize you had ear buds in…” Liam was saying.

Liam… It was Liam. Zayn was suddenly so relieved that his body literally showed it. He slouched forward, trying to catch his breath. “I… I thought you were Barry. I thought he broke in and…”

Liam came to him and pulled him in tight, “I am so sorry. I should have realized that you couldn't hear me, oh god Zayn. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!”

Zayn gripped Liam just as tight and buried his face in the crock of Liam’s neck, “its okay Liam, I just thought…”

“I know what you thought Zayn…” Liam told him stroking his hair tenderly, “I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. I was just so happy to find you; I had been searching all over the house for you!”

Zayn pulled away from Liam's arms and smiled, “it's okay Liam, really. You're not him and that's all that matters.”

Liam took his face in his hands and brought his lips to his forehead. “It does matter. I should have used my brain. Are you okay?”

“Yea,” Zayn told him pushing himself off the wall.

Liam got the hint. He took Zayn's hand and they walked back towards the kitchen table, his eye catching the drawing for the first time.

“Zayn, are you drawing again?” He asked.

Zayn just smiled and nodded. Liam felt a rush of happiness. Art was always Zayn’s outlet and for him to be doing it again was a big deal, such a wonderful, big deal.

“This is so great Zayn!” Liam beamed, looking down at the sketch.

Zayn looked at his art work and then looked up at Liam, “I don’t know what washed over me, I just felt like doing it. It’s been a long time. I’m going to take this as a good thing.”

Liam’s eyes grew wide, “Of course this is a good thing Zayn! This means a lot, it means a whole lot. I think this a big step in the right direction.”

Zayn nodded. He wanted desperately to get better. He wanted to not be plagued by nightmares. He never again wanted to experience whatever it was that just happened just because Liam came up and put his hands on his shoulders. He wanted to be a normal person. He prayed he was headed that way; that he was strong enough to do it.

“I… um… I reached out to one of those therapists we found while you were gone. After you left, I was okay. I felt okay, but then after about fifteen minutes I started to feel really uncomfortable…”

Liam watched Zayn intently as they both sat down, “Uncomfortable about what?”

“About being alone. At first it was just the silence that made me nervous but then it was my mind. I thought, what if he was watching your place this entire time and once you left he knew I was in here alone. What if he came in here and hurt me again, or abducted me… or… or… worse.”

“Zayn stop!” Liam interrupted, not being able to bare even the mention of something like that.

 “Well, it’s true Liam. I was scared of that. So… I dead bolted the door, made sure all the windows were sealed and locked. I barricade the back door with a chair just in case he tried that way. I felt better, but… I just sat there and realized that this wasn’t normal. This was not okay. So, I picked up the phone and dialed the number. I left a message for someone to call me back so I can make an appointment.”

Liam’s hand reached out for Zayn’s and he gripped it in his own. Zayn was forced to move closer to him, their hands locking tightly together.

“I am so proud of you Zayn. I don’t even think I can find words to express how proud I am.”

Zayn looked down at his hand interlocked with Liam’s and felt strength building up inside him. He wanted to get better. He wanted to feel as close to normal as he could and he knew that there was only one way there. And with Liam by his side, he just might get there. Liam made him strong.

“I want to feel better. I want to get better and I think this is a start.”

“It’s more than a start, it’s a jump.” Liam said as he brought Zayn’s hand to his lips.

Zayn felt his body react to the feeling of Liam’s lips on the skin of his hand. He remembered what those lips felt like when they were kissing him the other night. The effects were the same and he couldn’t get enough of it.

Zayn remembered how he felt when he opened his eyes the next morning. He had woken up before Liam and he laid there just staring at him. Never in his wildest dreams did he think that he and Liam would ever share a kiss like that. He figured his feelings were just another shitty hand he had been dealt. His mind started savoring what he was feeling because he was sure as soon as Liam woke up there would be some conversation about how that can’t happen again and Liam loved Zayn just not like that.

But to his surprise, when Liam’s eyes fluttered open, none of that happened. Liam just looked at him with no expression for a moment before a warm smile spread across his face and he pulled Zayn to him. His lips grazed over Zayn’s lightly like a feather, before he pulled away and apologized about his morning breathe. The conversation about what happened the night before never came up and Zayn wasn’t about to start it. Maybe it was selfish, but he wanted to hold on to the feeling for as long as he could.

Liam and Zayn had fallen silent at the table. Zayn stared down at their connected hands, feeling Liam’s eyes on him.

“How was everything with Louis?” he asked, finally bringing his eyes up.

“Great, he wasn’t really mad at me and we aired everything out. I’m glad I talked to him.”

“That’s really good,” Zayn said. He knew how close Liam and Louis were.

“Yea…” Liam trailed off.

He took a deep breath and prepared himself. This was a conversation they needed to have. Louis was right they couldn’t just let it be. Now was as good a time as any.

“So Zayn… I wanted to talk to you.”

He heard the tone in Liam’s voice and he knew the answer to the question he asked anyway, “What about?”

“About what happened between us… the other night.”

And there it was. Zayn felt the dread fill him up like a coffee pot. He wasn’t prepared for the heartache he was sure was about to come.

“Zayn, what happened between us…” Liam started, but Zayn quickly cut off.

“Liam, I know you remember what… what Barry said the other day. And I… I never wanted you to find out like that… I never wanted you to find out at all…”

It hung in the air for a few seconds before Liam spoke, “Why?”

Zayn was surprised. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting from Liam but it wasn’t that.

“Why what?”

“Why didn’t you want me to find out?”

Zayn’s face scrunched up in confusion. Wasn’t it obvious why he wouldn’t want Liam to find out?

“Because… we’re friends and I didn’t want something like that get in the way of our friendship. I’m not stupid Liam; I know you are not into guys…”

Liam seemed to be thinking and Zayn couldn’t read his expression. He just waited apprehensively for a response.

“Okay first of all, nothing like that would have ever gotten in the way of our friendship, so you could have told me and…”

“Liam, you’re kidding right?” Zayn cut in again, “Do you think for a second I, or anyone for that matter, would be like, ‘Hey, listen I know you’re totally not into me but I’m into you?’ That’s crazy.”

“Why is everyone so quick to assume I’m not into you?” Liam asked.

To say Zayn was surprised was an understatement. In fact he was so taken back by the statement he lost whatever he was going to say and had to regroup.

“Liam, I know you… I know you’re not…”

“Well, you’re wrong Zayn,” Liam cut in this time.

Zayn’s mouth went dry and he tried hard to push down the butterfly feeling that was creeping into his stomach. Liam must be confused or… he didn’t know but there was no way…

“Liam…” was all he could get out.

Liam leaned forward and grabbed both of Zayn’s hands now.

“I talked to Louis about this, I had too. I had so many questions about myself, about all of this. Yes, before Barry opened his mouth I had no clue what you were feeling, nor did I give any attention to things that were flying under the surface for me. But, then he said it and the first thing I thought about was how did I not know. I wasn’t bothered or weirded out or anything like that. I was curious. And then we were laying there and, god Zayn, I love the feeling of you next to me... and you just looked so beautiful. The desire, the need to kiss you came over me stronger than I have ever felt. So… I did… I kissed you and… I felt like shit about it. You didn’t need me coming in and messing you up when you have so much going on but… it was so nice. It felt so… right.”

“Then you surprised me Zayn, you reached up and kissed me back and… and I could no longer control myself. The desire to kiss you was worse than before. It was honestly the most erotic snogging session I’ve ever had. I didn’t want to stop, lord knows I was so turned on, but I had too. You were not ready for that.”

Zayn was speechless; he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He had never imagined Liam would say anything other than ‘it was a mistake.’ This, he wasn’t prepared for, so he said nothing.

“I feel something for you Zayn; it’s pretty obvious to me now. I don’t want to fight it. I want us to be open about it.”

“No you don’t Liam…” Zayn said, even surprising himself, “You only think you do because you’re my friend and you just want to make me happy.”

His eyes had shifted down and he stared at their hands that were still together. He heard Liam shuffle the chair closer.

“Hey, can you look at me?” Liam asked softly.

Zayn picked his eyes up, always finding it so hard to say no to Liam.

“I would never, ever pretend to have feelings for you to make you feel better. That would be worse than just being straight with you and telling you I don't. And I also would never come to you and tell you these things if I wasn’t sure. I’ve been thinking about it for two days and today I talked to Louis about it… I know what I feel Zayn and it’s real.”

The sincerity in Liam’s eyes, the conviction he was showing was what convinced Zayn. He opened his mouth several times trying to gather his thoughts but he kept getting tripped up over the thousands things swirling in his mind.

“But… how… when?” he spit out.

“I don’t really know for sure, but it’s been there… for a while. I just never thought about it until the other day.”

Zayn was still in disbelief. He wanted this to be real with every fiber in his soul.

“I’m just…”

And Liam cut him off by leaning forward and connecting their lips together. Zayn melted almost instantly as Liam reached up and stroked is check with his thumb. His lips moved slowly over Zayn’s. Liam kissed him as softly and gently as his fingertips would travel his skin. The sensation was overwhelming.

When he finally pulled away from Zayn’s lips he rested his forehead against Zayn’s and cupped the back of his neck.

“I can’t pretend that I wasn’t on fire while I was doing that just now,” Liam told him.

“Every time you touch me, I’m on fire Liam,” Zayn heard himself admit.

Liam’s face scrunched up as he laughed but he didn’t pull away. This just felt too nice to move.

“I want to explore this Zayn, I… no, we owe it to ourselves to explore this. I need to explore this with you. But first… first, you need to get help. You need to deal with what happened to you and not complicate anything.

Zayn opened his mouth to protest and attempted to pull away. But Liam held him in place and kissed his cheek lovingly.

“I’m not going anywhere Zayn. I’m going to stay right here and help you every step of the way. Then when you’re ready, we are going to do this. ”

There were no words to really express what Zayn was feeling. Liam was more than he could ever ask for, more than he would ever deserve. Liam was golden. He didn’t know what to say to Liam and he was scared if he opened his mouth to talk, he might burst into tears.

Instead he leaned forward as caught Liam’s lips with his own, grabbing Liam’s face in his hands this time. Liam kissed him back instantly, their lips fitting together like they had been created for one another. They didn’t separate for a long time. Whenever one of them would make a move, the other would pull them back in, their lips dancing together just a little bit more.

Finally, they parted and both of them just smiled.

“I’m so happy I opened my mouth.” Liam said.

“So am I.”

They both laughed and Liam’s hand gently came to rest on Zayn’s knee, “I’m really happy you’re drawing again… what is it?” he asked.

It wasn’t even half done, all Liam could make out was it was a woman.

“It’s my mum…” Zayn said.

Liam watched his face and noticed it had fallen just a little. He squeezed his knee, “You haven’t talked to her in a little while, have you?” he asked.

“She’s called me a few times… but I just haven’t been able to. I’m too scared she’ll know something’s wrong.” Zayn confided, “I’ve texted her back but… yeah it’s been a while.”

“You should call her Zayn, even if it’s for a few minutes. You don’t have to tell her anything. But I think hearing her voice will make you feel a little better.”

Zayn knew Liam was right. He missed her so much. He didn’t have to answer any questions he didn’t want to and he knew his mother would never push him like that. She always respected his boundaries.

“Yea, I think I’m going too in a little while.”

Liam grabbed his hand one more time brought it to his lips again, “I’m just so proud of you Zayn.”

Zayn beamed with happiness at Liam’s actions, Liam's words. He didn't know what the future was going to hold and Zayn wasn't anywhere close to being healed. But he had Liam, he actually had Liam and that was enough to make him forget all the bad stuff, even if it was just for right now.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you everyone as always for the response to the last chapter!!! I really really appreciate it! Here is the next Chapter, I hope everyone likes it. **Please be aware that this Chapter does contain a very graphic rape scene**

Zayn sunk into the couch and he took a deep breath, letting his body relax into the soft cushions. His brain was so tired it hurt; it had been a rough morning. 

He had started seeing the therapist he and Liam had found for almost three weeks now. After their conversation that day in Liam’s kitchen, he had went ahead and made his first appointment. 

Before that first session he was so nervous. He remembered sitting in the waiting room and his heart pounding in his ears. His hands were rubbing up and down his thighs as he tried to keep his breathing steady. Liam placed a loving hand on his back, his fingertips rubbing circles, his voice trying to soothe him. It helped but it didn’t calm Zayn's nerves totally. 

It wound up not being nearly as bad as he was expecting. He actually felt a little lighter when he walked out of the building. When Liam asked him how it went all Zayn did was wrap his arm around him and tell him it was good, he was okay. Liam just hugged him back, so happy that things might finally get better. 

Now, three weeks later, Zayn had been seeing the doctor three times a week. Some days were tougher than others. If the conversation dug up things that were harder to talk about, Zayn usually felt really worn out after. 

Today was one of those days. They ended up talking about the very first time Barry had attacked him when they were on tour. All his memories of Barry were painful, but when they were on tour, those were some of the worst. Everyone was on top of each other and Barry still found a way to get his hands on Zayn. Barry somehow was still able to torture him. And no one gave any hint that they had any idea something was wrong. If no one was noticing when they were on tour, he knew no one ever would. 

Talking about it today brought up not only the physical trauma of the rape but also the psychological effects it had. Zayn had never realized just how much false hope he had given himself. Barry had been assaulting Zayn for over two months while they were making that first album and when they finished, Barry had left. He hadn't said anything, he just wasn't around anymore. Zayn was able to relax. He was able to breathe for the first time and sleep through the night without fear of being woken up to performing horribly perverse acts. He felt free. But then they toured, and Barry showed up.  

The memory that came out in therapy crept its way back into his mind. 

 

_Zayn felt like his heart stopped working when Barry walked into the green room backstage. He contemplated running as far away as he could, but his own body betrayed him and he stayed perfectly still. He had to remind himself to breath and that it would be okay. Just because Barry was here doesn't mean that he was going to do anything to him. Zayn hung to that especially after three days passed and nothing had happened. Barry hadn't even attempted to talk to him._  

_But on the fourth day, everything changed. About half an hour before sound check Zayn was walking by himself in a hallway. Before he even had time to process what was happening, a hand covered his mouth and he was being dragged into a doorway. His screams were muffled but he kept screaming anyway, hoping someone would hear him. He fought with all the fight he had in his body to get away from the arm that was locked around his middle. It didn't work._  

_He was thrown into what looked like a utility closet, boxes and equipment stacked all around, an industrial light bulb shinning drab light in the room and he stared at Barry's twisted face._  

_“Barry, please!” He begged hoping that it would work this time._  

_Please, not here, please, not now!_  

_“Shut-up, you little slut!” Barry replied, rushing him quickly and pressing the smaller boy against the concrete wall._  

_Zayn felt his pants being pulled down and his legs being forced apart. He felt Barry’s body pushed up against his own, his breath on his neck, making him wish he was dead. He tried so hard to keep his tears locked away for later, for after the assault, when he was alone. But like everything else, it seemed he had no control and the tears started to trickle down his cheeks._  

_Barry's hands gripped his hair so tightly, so forcefully, that Zayn thought he was going to rip his scalp off. He yanked Zayn's head back bringing his ear to his lips._  

_“It’s been way too long Zaynie. I’ve been dying to touch you again. I wanted to jump you as soon as I came back, but I made myself wait, made myself wait for the right moment. God, you’re so fucking beautiful!”_  

_He forced Zayn forward and squished his face into the wall as he took no mercy and forced himself inside of Zayn. His tears flowed like a river now, as his legs giving out from the pain. Barry just used his free arm to hold up his limp body. The pain didn't subside, it just got worse as Barry pushed harder and told him what a good boy he was being. There was this continuous animal like wailing playing in Zayn's ears and he was horrified when he realized it was coming from himself, as he was broken both physically and mentally._  

_Zayn tried to shut everything out. He tried to turn that part of his brain off that was making him aware that this was happening to him. The reality of it all was too much for Zayn to have to deal with. It worked, his brain playing back happy memories of his family, leaving behind Barry and what he was doing. That was until he heard voices outside the door, Liam and Harry's voice right outside the door. He opened his eyes and everything crashed back into his mind. He desperately tried to ignore the sickening feeling of Barry’s skin pressing against his own over and over._  

_They needed to hear him; he needed to get their attention. Zayn let himself_  

_continuing wailing loudly, hoping, praying. Maybe they would hear him; maybe they could stop this seemingly endless nightmare._  

_“Shut the fuck up!” Barry warned in his ear._  

_Zayn didn't listen though; he knew it was his only chance. Barry always got a little reckless when Zayn pushed back. He always seemed less in control of the situation when his anger got the best of him. Zayn was hoping Barry would do something to draw attention to their presence in this closet. So he just kept letting his cries pour out of him, as loud as he could. How could they not hear this?_  

_Zayn felt Barry dig his fingertips into his hip bones, almost like he was trying to crush them with his bare hands. But that still didn’t stop Zayn, he sobbed harder, louder. Barry growled in rage and his hand was again gripping Zayn’s hair violently. He yanked Zayn's neck back but then quickly crushed him forward, bashing Zayn’s head into the concrete. A grunt of pain left Zayn's mouth as he was stunned by the impact, only to than have Barry wrap his other arm around his neck and apply pressure. Zayn's body was crushed between the wall and Barry's body. Barry jutted his hips forward as hard as he could, pushing even deeper inside him_  

_A silent scream left Zayn's mouth as he felt like he was being killed from the inside out, panic rushing through his veins when he realized he couldn't breathe._  

_Suddenly, the pressure was off his body and air was flowing back into his lungs. He whimpered as Barry roughly pulled out._  

_“I know what will shut your mouth. Get on your knees, you little bitch!”_  

_Barry's hand was still wrapped in his hair and it yanked him away from the wall. It dragged his head down, giving Zayn no option but to drop to his knees. There was no denying what Barry was about to force him to do._  

_Zayn tried with all his might to keep his mouth closed, he begged with his eyes, shaking his head over and over. Barry grabbed his face and squeezed tightly, giving Zayn two options; open his mouth or have a broken jaw. As soon as Zayn conceded, Barry took his opportunity, showing no mercy as he gripped his head with both hands. His tears came twice as hard as choked and tried desperately to pull himself away, but Barry had him locked like a vice._  

_“Stop crying and you’ll be able to breath, you fucking idiot!” Barry said, not even thinking about the real reason Zayn couldn't breathe._  

_But Zayn couldn't stop crying, he just wanted to die. No, he wanted to have never existed; death wouldn't even take this pain away._  

_“You better watch your teeth you little bastard!" Barry hissed, pinching the skin on his cheek painfully._  

_Zayn just sealed his eyes closed and tried to shut out Barry's grunts. He tried to fight back the overwhelming sensation to vomit. It wasn’t long after, but to Zayn it felt like centuries. He could feel Barry's thrusts getting quicker, his panting was coming out more rigid and he knew what was coming. He told himself just focus on the fact that it would be over, not what needed to happen for it to end._  

_Barry pulled himself from Zayn's mouth and gripped his hair holding his head in place as he climaxed all over his face. When he finally let him go Zayn collapsed to the ground, gasping but sobbing at the same time. A moment later, he threw up all over the floor and then curled himself into a ball._  

_Zayn could feel Barry looking down at him as he tucked himself back in his pants. “Pull yourself together and clean all this up! You have sound check in twenty minutes and no one better suspect anything or else you know what will happen!”_  

_And then Barry just turned and left him there, dying of shame and disgust on the floor._  

 

“Zayn,” Liam said softly as he sat down beside him. 

Liam's voice brought him out of the memory that was playing in a loop through his mind. Zayn opened his eyes and saw a mug in Liam's hand being held out to him.  

“I made you tea; you look like you had a rough time today.” 

Liam handed Zayn the mug and wrapped his arm around his shoulder. Zayn feel into Liam's side, resting his head on his shoulder. 

“Thank you,” Zayn said. 

Liam's finger tips danced up and down Zayn's arm as he placed soft kisses on his forehead. 

“You are very welcome,” he closed his eyes and just pulled him closer; “do you want to talk about it?” 

Zayn knew Liam was going to ask because Liam always asked. All he wanted to do was help and Zayn appreciated that more than he could express. Zayn would always say to himself that this time he’d keep it from Liam, but whenever it came time, he never could. 

“We talked about the first time…” He took a deep breath trying to forget the smell of the cardboard boxes filling his nostrils, “the first time he raped me on tour.” 

Liam turned his body towards Zayn and pulled him closer, wishing there was something more that he could do.

“It was one of the worst times Liam. He raped me in a closet and forced me to give him a blowjob. I had to clean up and go right to sound check… It keeps playing over and over in my head.”  Zayn whispered, his face buried into Liam's neck. 

It never got easier for Liam to hear these things, but he was so grateful that Zayn was sharing it with him and not pulling away. If only he could do more. 

“I wish I could take all the memories away,” Liam told him, “I'd carry all your pain.” 

Zayn pulled back far enough to look at Liam's face, “how did I get so lucky to have this, to have you?” 

Liam's placed his lips onto Zayn's cheek, “I'm the lucky one,” he whispered, “you've made me see things about myself I didn't even know was there.” 

Zayn embraced him again, smelling the comforting scent that was Liam. 

Liam gripped him back, “turn around,” he whispered. 

“What?” 

“Spin around; I want to rub your shoulders. You always get so tense after a bad day.” 

Liam's could always see the tension in Zayn's body; he didn't hide it all that well. He enjoyed making all of it melt away. He enjoyed making Zayn feel good. 

“Liam, you don't…” 

Zayn’s lips were captured by Liam's for just a quick moment, “You know I want to, come on.” 

Zayn didn't hesitate anymore and quickly turned his body so his back was resting against Liam’s chest. Liam's hands gently came up to his shoulders and began pressing into the tension that always seemed to set in Zayn’s shoulders when things were tough. 

Zayn’ eyes flutter closed as he let his body relax into Liam’s thumbs pressing into the matching knots right in the spot where his shoulders met his neck. His neck dropped to one side as the feeling of relief took over everything else. 

Liam felt an urge and told himself he should control himself, but the skin on Zayn's shoulders just looked so soft. And they’ve made out enough these past few weeks that Liam knew how sweet his skin tasted. He just couldn't stop himself. He leaned forward and pressed his lips softly to Zayn's exposed neck, as a gasp came from Zayn. 

Liam heard it and he worried he had taken it too far. He went to pull away but Zayn reached back with his hand and touched Liam's leg.  

“It's okay,” he said barely above a whisper. 

His head dropped back rest on Liam's right shoulder, letting his whole relax into the sensation. 

Liam didn't need any more coaxing and he continued kissing Zayn's neck, placing soft open kisses on his skin. His lips latched onto his skin at random times, apply just a tender amount of suction. His tongue would graze over the spots when he would release his skin. Zayn kept letting out airy moans every time just driving Liam insane. 

Liam worked his way up Zayn's neck finding that spot that Liam had found out drove Zayn wild. They were trying to take things slow, but it was hard for either of them to not end up making out most of the time. 

“Jesus Christ, Liam,” Zayn moaned. 

Liam thought he was about to exploded, he was on fire. Zayn had awakened a part of him he didn't even know was there. He wanted to devour Zayn whole, but he had to calm down and control himself. 

Zayn’s hands went behind his body and rested on Liam’s legs. They slowly tried to climb up his thighs, wanting to feel Liam, wanting to be that much closer to Liam. But Liam, even wrapped up in this erotic moment, grabbed his hands firmly, “No way! Nice try though,” he said with a laugh. 

Zayn's face lite up with a smile as he opened his eyes, “you’re killing me!” He groaned. 

“You are not ready for that, we both know that. Even the therapist agrees that you need to take things slow.” 

Zayn lifted his head and looked at Liam. How did he get so lucky? How was all of this even real? He had no explanation, but he had never been so thankful for someone in his life. 

He brought his arm around Liam's neck and kissed him deeply, trying to convey just how much Liam meant to him. Hoping Liam understood that no matter what he was feeling, Zayn was madly in love with him. Just simple moments like this were enough. 

When they pulled away from each other Liam smiled at him, “I am so proud of you, Zayn. I am so happy that you want to get better. I am so happy you’re here with me and you're letting me help you through all of this!” 

Zayn didn't really know what to say. What do you say to someone who is giving you more than you could ever ask for? So Zayn just reached forward and fell back into Liam’s arms rest is cheek on Liam's shoulder. His lips kept placing small kisses on the skin. Liam held him tight, letting his fingers run up and down Zayn's back, both of them just enjoying the feeling of being so close to one another. 

They could have stayed like this all day if it wasn't for Liam's phone ringing. 

“Hello?” Liam said, his fingers still dancing against Zayn's skin, “oh shit! I forgot, sorry…. Yea I’ll head over there now. Okay, bye.” 

Zayn knew they were going to have to break apart, but he still felt cold when they pulled away from each other. He missed Liam's warmth already. 

“I have to go, love. I'm sorry. I forgot I had a studio session.” 

Zayn smiled, “of course, don't worry about it at all, go!” 

“Are you sure?” He asked, stroking Zayn's hair. 

“Are you kidding?! Of course I'm sure.” 

Liam smiled and then his face lite up. Zayn knew Liam well enough to know an idea was coming. 

“You should come with me.” 

“What?” 

“You should come to the studio with me so you’re not here alone all day.” Liam suggested. 

“Liam, that's nuts. I'm not going to the studio with you!” 

“No seriously, you should. Then we can get dinner?” 

Zayn saw the excitement in Liam's eyes but even that wasn't enough to make him say yes. Being in a studio, even if it wasn't the particular one that the events three weeks ago had transpired in, just wasn't something he was ready for. Besides, his therapist told him being alone once in a while was good for him. 

“Liam, I'm just not ready to go to a studio just yet. Why don't you go and we can get dinner after,” Zayn told him. 

Liam's face fell but he seemed convinced, “Alright, but if you need me I'll have my phone on me the whole time. And I'll leave the keys to my Range Rover on the table in case you need to leave for something.” 

Zayn just thought Liam was the cutest, “I don't think I'll need any of that, but thanks babe. I'll probably just call my Mum again.” 

Zayn had been calling his Mum a few times a week ever since he made that first phone call. He hadn't said anything about what was going on to his Mother. All she knew was that he was spending some time in LA with Liam. She was happy for him and she didn't push him to talk about anything just happy to have her son back in some way, shape or form. 

“Okay,” Liam said with a sigh as he got up and kissed his forehead, “I'll call you when I'm leaving and we’ll get dinner, yea?” 

“Absolutely,” Zayn said back, savoring feeling of Liam's lips on his face, “I'll be waiting for your call.” 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank-you, thank-you, thank-you for commenting and liking and reading! I know I say it BEFORE every chapter but it really means a lot to have people interested in this story. So without further ado, I really hope you enjoy this next Chapter. It is a big turning point in the story. Please be warned that there is VIOLENCE in this chapter. I promise the next update will not take as long!

Niall closed his eyes as he leaned back into the pillows on the bed. He was back in LA, staying at his favorite hotel yet again. After what happened at the recording studio three weeks ago, He really just wanted some time away to deal with everything. He had reached out to the label and told them he had a family emergency and needed to go back to London for a week or two. They gave it to him, but now they needed him back. They were about to start recording.

                He tried not to let his mind think about what he had experienced that day at Wayward Studios, he tried not to let the memories creep into his brain when he laid in bed at night. But as hard as he tried, he couldn’t hold them all the time.

                Niall found himself scrubbing his skin just a little but more than usual in the shower. He caught himself triple checking the locks on all his windows and doors. He was sleeping with his cellphone next to his pillow, just in case Barry had hopped a plane and stalked him to London. He felt the exhaustion hit him more frequently on the days after he would wake up in a cold sweat, his heart pounding. His skin feeling like it was tainted and it no longer belonged to him.

                Niall was aware that he was having some issues coming to terms with what Barry had attempted, but he was trying to deal with it on his own. Maybe he needed to talk to someone and he wasn’t opposed to it, but he was trying to see if he could take care of himself first.

                Those two weeks home were good for his soul. It was enough to help get a grip on himself and come back to LA. That doesn’t mean he is guard was down. If anything his guard was on high alert. He was well aware that Barry might just send another e-mail or show up at a meeting or in the studio. Niall wasn’t prepared to see him, but he was prepared for what Barry might try.

                He flipped through the TV channels trying to find something to watch, but came up empty. He thought about calling Harry and Louis to see if they wanted to grabbed dinner or catch a movie. But before he could grab his cell, the hotel phone on the night stand rang.

                The hotel phone ringing wasn’t all that unusual, being a higher status guest, the staff would often check on him from time to time to see if he needed anything.

                “Hello,” he said into the receiver.

                “Mr. Horan?” the unfamiliar voice asked.

                “Yes, this is him.”

                “This is Gary from guest services. I’m very sorry to bother you, but some guest have been experiencing issues with the hot water in their showers. So we are sending maintenance around to all of our guest rooms to check for the problem. Someone should be to you room in the next ten minutes or so. It will only take a few moments. Is that okay or is this a bad time?”

                “No, not at all.” Niall responded.

                “Thank-you sir, and sorry for the inconvenience again.”

                “No problem.”

Niall hung up the receiver and reached for his cell phone, deciding to give Harry that call.

“Hey!” Harry sung happily into the receiver.

“Hey Harry, what's going on? What are you guys up to?”

“Nothing really, why? Are you back in town finally? You want to hang out?” Harry asked.

“Yea, I got in last night. Thought maybe you guys would want to grab dinner or something in a little while?”

“Sure! What time?”

“I have to shower and get dressed. But I have to wait for maintenance to come up look at my shower for first. How's an hour?” Niall explained.

“Sounds good to me. Give us a call when you’re ready.”

They said they're goodbyes and Niall hung up, letting the phone fall to the bed. He rested his head back against the pillows and relaxed. There was nothing he could do about taking a shower until they came and checked his water.

About five minutes later, Niall heard the knock at the door and dragged himself out of bed.

“Maintenance!” he heard being yelled on the other side.

He opened it causally and wide, only to feel shock and then terror as he looked at the ‘’maintenance man’ before him. Barry stood there his face in a twisted smile.

The rush of panic flowing through Niall caused him to react quickly. He pushed the door with all his strength, trying to slam it. It was so close to latching, inches away even, but Niall heard Barry’s hand press up against the door stopping it from moving any further.

He couldn't let him get in his room; he knew if he did there would be nothing, no way out. His body was screaming to find just a little more strength, to push the door closed, but it never came. Barry was too strong. With one hard push from him, Niall was sent staggering back as Barry walked in and locked the door behind him.

Niall gripped the wall to steady himself. Fear flooded his body as Barry came closer and closer.

“Maintenance is actually coming. I gave them permission to come in. You should leave before they get here.” Niall said, trying to sound defiant, trying to sound strong.

It was popped like a needle through a balloon when he laughed, never stopping his approach. “I am maintenance! I know the manager of this hotel pretty well and all I had to do was tell him that I wanted to surprise you. I asked him to call you up with some bullshit story I knew your stupid self would believe? Everyone knows who I am, so they know we’ve worked together. It was the perfect plan… And it worked.”

Niall’s chest was rising and falling as his heart raced. What… How… This wasn't like the last time. No one knew he needed help or was in distress. He was completely on his own. His brain was divided one half trying to shut it down the other trying to keep him alert, ready to escape at any opportunity. Barry was so close and Niall knew if he came any closer any chance of escaping would be gone.

He threw himself out of the foyer and towards the bed where he had left his phone, if he could just reach it, if he could just dial someone, anyone.. They could get him help; they could get him out of this. Niall literally threw himself on the bed, already trying to scramble back to his feet. If he could grab the phone, his plan was to run and lock himself in the bathroom. His hand actually wrapped around his phone but almost instantly it was pulled from his hand.

There was a heavy weight on his body as the air was roughly pushed out of him, being held in place against the mattress. He tried to move, tried to wither out from underneath Barry, panting out his breaths as he began to panic. His head suddenly felt like it was on fire as he felt his face being lifted of the bed. Barry gripped him by his hair, as he pulled Niall’s ear close to his mouth. Niall yelped in pain as his hands feebly tried to push Barry’s away.

“Why the fuck would you be that stupid? Did you not learn from your mistakes last time? Well, either way, you’re not getting away from me now. There is no one and nothing to help you. I’m going to make you my bitch today!” Barry seethed.

Niall’s eyes were clouded with tears both from the physical and the verbal assault he was being subjected to.

Next thing Niall felt, was his head being twisted to the side so forcefully, he thought Barry was trying to snap his neck. He had no choice but to go with it, rolling on to his back. The last place he wanted to look was at Barry’s face, but he was so close, still on top of him, straddling his hips now, there was nowhere else to look. His hands finally released Niall’s hair, only to wrap around his neck, squeezing tightly.

 Panic wasn't really intense enough to describe what Niall felt as his windpipe was squished, cutting off his air flow. He flailed like a fish out of water, wondering if this was it, wondering if Barry was actually going to kill him. His fist pounded on the Barry's forearms, desperately trying to get him to release his neck.

Just as Niall was sure he was going to fade out, Barry released him, sitting back on his heels, smiling at his work. Niall turned his head to the side gasping for breath, his fingertips gripping the comforter, needing something to hold on to. He couldn't focus, couldn't see anything but his desperate need to get as much air in his body as possible.

“Look at me,” Barry said quietly, but Niall couldn't move, his esophagus was on fire.

“Look at me!” He demanded again, this time grabbing Niall’s chin is his hand and forcing his face forward.

Niall looked up at this man, this monster and felt all the fight drain from him. There was no use fighting what was inevitable. There was no way out of this for Niall, maybe if he just cooperated it could be a little easier.

“Just do it,” he whispered, his throat scratchy and his vocal chords aching with each syllable that left his mouth. “Just do whatever it is you want to do to me. Get it over with.”

Barry let out a laugh so genuine, Niall wanted to cry out in frustration. How was any of this funny!? He felt the weight shift and suddenly Barry wasn't straddling him anymore. In fact, he was now standing looking down at Niall still lying on the bed.

Something wasn't right; Niall could feel that right away. Something was terribly off and Niall was scared to find out what it was.

“Why are you doing this?!” He heard slip out of his mouth, “just FUCKING do it, okay!? You're going to have sex with me either way… So just… Please!?”

Niall was so disgusted with himself, he sounded like such fool. How pathetic he must seem, was this part of Barry's plan too?

“Not yet Niall, but don't you worry, we will get to it. First I need you to do something thing for me!”

Barry needed him to do something? He had a better chance of getting ice water in hell. Niall didn't respond, he just looked at him still immobile on the bed.

“You’re going to call Zayn and you’re going to get him to come here.”

Niall creased his brow and then adamantly refused.

“No fucking way! You've damaged him enough. I'm here, you got me just… do whatever. But I will not let you hurt Zayn again.”

And Niall meant it. There was no way, no way he could do that Zayn. No matter what tortures awaited him from refusing.

“How noble, but I think you’ll see it my way real quick. Here's the deal. You are going to call Zayn and you will get him here or I'll make sure you and your family never see you're little nephew, Theo, again.”

It rocked him to his core as soon as Barry said Theo’s name. It was like some lit firecrackers in every vein in his body. How dare he, how fucking date he!

“You son of a bitch!” Niall growled pulling himself up, ignoring the pain in his throat, only focusing on his anger.

“Easy tiger, he's safe. No one touched him… Yet…” He said with a smug smile on his face.

Niall couldn't hold back and went for him, wanting to rip his eyes out of his skull, wanting to rip his throat out. Barry grabbed Niall, quickly spinning him around resting his chest against Niall’s back. He wrapped his arm around his throat, applying pressure to Niall's neck.

“Look, LOOK!” He yelled, putting his phone in front of Niall’s face. Niall wanted to cry, there was an image of Theo running through a playground. Niall's body went limp and Barry released him, knowing he had the boy right where he wanted him.

“Please don't, please god don't hurt him. He's just a little boy, please, do whatever, whatever you want to me, just please not my nephew.” Niall begged, tears threatening to run down his face at any moment. He could never live with himself if something happened to Theo and he could have prevented it.

“If you want to keep him safe then you're going to call Zayn and get him here. It's very, very simple.”

How could Niall do this? It was an impossible choice. He didn't think he could ever decide.

“Please, please, don't make me do this?!” He begged his voice breaking, “I'll do anything you want!”

“It's Zayn or Theo, make your choice or I will and you probably won't like what I choose.”

Niall realized he didn't really have a choice and that gave him an ounce of solace for what he was about to do.

“Give me the phone,” he said barely above a whisper, a few tears escaping down his face.

“You better wipe those tears and make him think absolutely nothing is wrong because if he figures it out, if he shows up any other way than alone, I can promise you my friends keeping an eye on Theo will snatch him and sell him to the highest bidder. You don't want to know what some of those sick bastards are capable of.”

It made Niall want to vomit. What kind of sick world was this? What kind of uncle doesn't protect his nephew? What kind of friend sets his friend up like this? He really thinks he’d rather die.

Niall wiped his face and took a deep breath before grabbing his phone out of Barry's hand. He quickly called Zayn's phone number, praying he wouldn’t answer. There was nothing to be done if he didn't answer.

“Hello?” Zayn said on the other end.

Niall wished he could just hurl himself out the window, so he didn't have to do this. “Hey Zayn, it's Niall.”

“Yea I know,” he laughed, he sounded happy, Niall wished he was dead, “what's up?”

“I'm back in town and was wondering if you would want to come hang out for a little bit. At my hotel, I mean…”

Niall was faltering over his words. He needed to reel it back in, especially when Barry turned his phone to flip through photo after photo of Theo on the playground. His lips silently mouthing, ‘convince him or else…’

“Oh well, I'm supposed to be having dinner with Liam…”

Niall cut him off “I'm just having some issues after that day in the studio. I really need to talk to someone who understands…”

He bit his lip too keep from crying again as soon as he used that horrible excuse. It would work he was sure of it.

“Oh… Yea… of course Niall! I’ll be right there. What's your room number?” Zayn asked, his voice full of concern.

“7504.”

“Got it, I'm on my way. See you soon.” Zayn said as he hung up.

“He's coming,” Niall said letting the phone fall from his hands as he finally broke completely and he started to cry.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank so much for all the comments and the interest in the story! I love talking with everyone about what they think of the chapters! I want to apologize for taking SOOO LONG to update. I was away for a few days and my internet was spotty so I couldn't edit this chapter till I got back. I am going to edit the next chapter right away so my next update wont take as long.  
> Now on to this chapter, okay, everyone should know before you read this that this Chapter is VERY GRAPHIC. There is sexual assault and VERY GRAPHIC VIOLENCE! Please read with caution. Also just a little note, the next Chapter will explain everything, so if you have some questions about how certain things actually go down know that an explanation is coming!  
> Hope everyone enjoys this Chapter :)

Zayn switched back to the other line as soon as he disconnecting with Niall, “Hey Mum, I've got to go. I'm heading over to see Niall.”

“Oh that’s great sweetheart! Tell him I said hello,” Tricia told her son, so happy that he was repairing his relationship with the boys she knew he loved so much.

“I will Mum, love you.”

“I love you too my boy. Please call me again soon?”

“Absolutely!” Zayn promised and hung up the phone.

He quickly put on his shoes, grabbed his phone, and grabbed the keys to Liam’s Range Rover. When he got in the car, he called Liam to let him know what he was doing. The phone just rang and rang until Liam's voicemail picked up.

“Hey Liam, it’s Zayn. Niall called and told me he was having a hard time dealing with what happened at the studio a few weeks ago. He asked me to stop by his hotel to talk for a little while. I’d still like to grab dinner, maybe Niall will want to join us. So, when you leave the studio just give me a call… Talk to you later.”

Zayn ended the call, placed his phone in the console, and pulled out of the garage.

The drive over to the Sunset Tower Hotel was surprisingly easy, he didn’t hit much traffic. He thought about Niall and how he must be feeling. He understood those feelings more than anyone else. Barry had taken something from him that he would never get back. And that was one of the hardest things to come to terms with. Zayn felt like a fractured person most of the time and he was just now beginning to piece himself back together.

Niall was a sensitive person, probably the most sensitive he’s ever met. He felt pain intensely, he felt happiness joyfully, everything he felt was always at a level a little higher than everyone else. Zayn was sure that he was feeling the pain and betrayal of his assault the same way. He hoped he could help him; he didn't want Niall to end up like him.

As soon as he parked the car, he walked inside and rode the elevator up to the seventh floor. He got off and walked down the hallway till he got to room 7504. Once there, he knocked and waited for Niall to answer.

Zayn felt confusion and then terror, when the door opened and Barry stood there smiling at him. His brain just kept telling him to do one thing; run. But it was like Barry could feel it, sense it and moved just enough that something caught his eye over his shoulder.

There was Niall, stripped down to his underwear. He was bound to a chair with a black piece of fabric wrapped around his mouth. His face was tear stand and Zayn could see a deep purple bruising on his neck even from where he was.

“Whatever you’re thinking about doing, don’t,” Barry warned.

No matter how bad Zayn wanted to run, no matter how severe the dread was that was filling him up, he couldn’t leave Niall. Zayn was aware of what was probably going to take place if he stepped inside. But he didn’t have a choice; in fact, Zayn realized he had never had a choice.

“Don’t make me drag you in here. That wouldn’t end well for either of you.”

Zayn dropped his head and ignored the wave of nausea that over took him as he stepped inside that hotel room. The lock clicked on the door as it was shut behind him making him fully aware that he was trapped. Zayn knew enough to know that whatever was about to happen was probably a face worse than death for both him and Niall.

Niall, the name made him pick his head up and lock eyes with the crying boy tied to the chair. Niall had called him. Niall had told him he needed him and to come here. What had Barry done to Niall to make him do something like that? But this was not Niall’s fault; Zayn was sure of that. This was Barry’s.

“What did you do to him?” Zayn whispered, suddenly worried about nothing but Niall’s safety.

Barry came up behind Zayn; Zayn could feel him before he spoke. It was like the nerve endings in his body were wired to warn Zayn whenever Barry came close. Or maybe it was just such a common occurrence that his body was used to the feeling. Barry’s hands gripped both of Zayn’s forearms, holding him in place as Barry brought his body up against him.

“I haven’t done anything to him… yet…” Barry’s voice said so close to his ear it was like he was in his head.

A small whimper escaped Zayn as he felt Barry’s nose nuzzle his neck, kissing his skin. He could feel Barry taking a deep breath and breathe him in. Niall and Zayn’s eyes found each other and Niall was trying desperately to tell him how sorry he was, let him know how guilty he felt. His sobs were trying desperately to communicate it to Zayn. Zayn understood.

“Why don’t we move out of the doorway,” Barry said, guiding Zayn deeper into the room.

He placed him down on the bed, making Zayn look at him., the sounds of Niall's muffled sobs still filling his ears.

“I’m sure you have a lot of questions about what's going on, don't you?” Barry asked.

Zayn knew better then to not play along with Barry’s games, especially now. The stakes were much higher this time. He simply nodded in agreement.

“This was all set into motion when you left. I didn't know it then, but I know now. I remember I was angry with you Zayn, but I took that as an opportunity to see what the other boys would be like. My first opportunity was Harry. We were both in New York and happened to both have the same night free. I was so worked up about what Harry and I were going to do in my hotel room, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I knew he’d be a challenge, I'd have to use more force with him that I ever had to with you. But it was going to be sweet to hear him cry and break him. But you had to show up! You had to screw it all up!”

Zayn was listening to Barry with bated breath. He was insane, Zayn realized that now. Barry was actually insane; he was a sadistic, sadistic, lunatic.

“Then we had little Niall at the studio. God I was so excited that he came, alone.” Barry turned to Niall, “when I walked in the room, I could smell your fear. It got me so aroused. I knew having you was going to be one of the most erotic sexual experiences of my life. I was going to leave my mark on every part of you. But Zayn, and now his little boyfriend, had to screw that up too!”

“I was so angry, so fucking angry. But then Zayn, I got my hands on you again and everything became so clear. There was a reason you keep preventing me from getting what I wanted. It was because that wasn’t really what I wanted, you were! I realized then you were made for me Zaynie. You’re mine, you always have been, and you always will be. I convinced Niall to get you here because I want you back, my stunning boy.”

Zayn felt dirty, filthy as he absorbed Barry's words. It was true, he did belong to Barry. Barry always got what he wanted and he wanted Zayn.

It was like the world was moving in slow motion as Barry reached up and unbuttoned his shirt making Zayn cower back further on the bed. He didn’t think he could do this again. He didn't think he would survive. As Barry removed his shirt, his eyes stared down at Zayn like he was some kind of meal, licking his lips to add emphasis.

Zayn wanted to run, he want to scream at the top of his lungs, praying someone would hear him. But he was frozen, he couldn't move, couldn't leave. He had Niall, Barry had Niall. And no matter what Zayn was going to be put through, it wouldn't be half as bad as knowing he left Niall to this monster.

Barry quickly climbed on the bed, placing both his knees on either side of Zayn's legs. Zayn reacted out of pure instinct, kicking up, trying to back away. Barry just placed his hands on Zayn's thighs and dragged him back, eventually straddling his torso.

“Where did you think you were going?” Barry asked with a laugh, like anything about this was remotely funny.

“Get off of me, you bastard!” Zayn suddenly screamed, finding his voice.

Barry was a little stunned as the smile left his lips. His eyes darkened as he lifted his hand and brought it down full force across Zayn’s face. It stunned him at first as his head was knocked to the side. He noticed the ringing in his ear as he looked up at Niall who seemed to be screaming through his gag.

“Don't you EVER speak to me like that, you little fuck!” Barry hissed roughly turning Zayn's face back to look at him, “and I swear to god Niall, if you don't shut your mouth and stop fucking screaming I'll chock the life out of you!”

Niall feel silent, the only sound coming from him was small sniffles. He turned his attention pack to Zayn, once he was content with Niall's silence. 

"Did you hear what I just said to you?" He asked. 

Zayn wanted to respond, but he felt Barry's hands on his thighs, his finger moving ever so slowly higher and higher. It was making him crazy. It was making him attempt to squirm away again. 

"Goddamn it Zayn, you better answer me!" Barry yelled, terrifying him. 

"Yes!" He half yelled, "Yes. I heard you." 

Barry only nodded in acknowledgement, as he focused in on his hands traveling up Zayn's thighs. They were so close to the private parts of Zayn. And it didn’t matter that Barry had violated him so many times before, each violation was as fresh wound and just as painful as the first. It never got easy. 

Zayn felt Barry's hand reach up and fully cup him through his jeans and he let out a strangled groan, "Please, no..." He begged, betraying his own wishes to keep quiet. 

Tears filled his eyes as Barry massaged him with his hand. This was always one of the worst things for Zayn. When Barry used pain, Zayn could focus on that to make it as close bearable as he could. But, when he touched him, took full control over his body in a soft way like this, it was like he was violating more than just his physical self. It was like he no longer had control over his own skin. 

"God," he moaned leaning his body down over Zayn and bring his face to his neck, "I forgot how good you always feel, how good you always smell, Zaynie." 

The sound of Barry smelling him was enough to send Zayn into a full fledge panic. He moved his arms and pressed against Barry's chest. The much larger man didn’t budge, but Zayn didn't stop. He pushed and pushed but then began to hit and kick him. 

"Stop it," Barry hissed, but Zayn couldn't, he just couldn’t do this. 

His body kept on with the attack, his arms hitting with a power he was surprised he had. He heard himself yelling at Barry to let him go, let them both go! Niall started yelling again, rocking his body back and forth trying to make something, anything happen. 

Zayn felt it this time before he saw it, Barry's hand striking his cheek again. Only this time, it hurt instantly. It felt like his cheek had been smashed by a brick and the pain spread across his face like wildfire. There was no recovery time, Barry wrapped his finger in Zayn's hair and pulled him up off the bed. Once he had him on his feet, he threw him down to the ground and began kicking him in his stomach. 

"You stupid little shit! You don’t listen! You never fucking did!" 

Zayn was yelping in pain as he tried to curl up to protect himself, but the blows were coming to fast. 

Niall watched in horror, not sure how his mind hadn't given out yet and made him into a blank shell. He couldn’t believe what he was witnessing. This was worse than anything Barry could have done to him, anything. Niall would never forgive himself for doing this to Zayn. He had to do something to stop this! 

He screamed through his gag, with so much force he thought his vocal chords might be bleeding. It took a few seconds, but it worked. Barry stopped kicking Zayn, the room falling eerily quiet, only Zayn's whimpers being heard and Barry's heavy breathing. Then he turned towards Niall and eyed him. 

"I told you to be quiet! I told you to stay quiet!" Barry yelled, suddenly charging at him. 

 Niall literally couldn't move, he was bound to the chair. He just had to wait for whatever impact was coming. Barry reached for the material around his mouth and yanked it down. 

"Apparently, you don’t know how to fucking listen either!" He raged as he loomed over Niall, his eyes terrifying, "Well, I'm going get you to shut that mouth!" 

Barry reached down and undid his belt buckle and the button on his pants. He stuck his hand into his pants and made a gross, rude gesture. Niall gasped and brought his head back as far as it could go. 

“You’re gonna get this!” 

“No… NO!” Niall panicked. 

“You stupid little shit, you’re tied to a god damn chair. If I want to shove my dick down 

your throat, I can!” 

Barry unzipped his zipper and pulled himself out of his pants, fully exposed only inches from Niall's face. 

“Oh my god,” Niall gasped, his stomach churning. 

Niall felt like the world around him was imploding. His brain was running but staling. It was gross and vile and horrifying! 

“You like what you see?” Barry asked, his hand clasping on Niall's shoulder as he started to stroke himself. 

Niall gasped for breath and tried to keep his eyes away from the man in front of him. He locked his eyes with Zayn who was looking back at him as he was trying to get off the floor. 

Niall wanted him to stay down, he was hurt. His cheek was swelling and turning black and blue already. Barry had kicked him hard several times. He could do this, if he had too. He could he do it to keep Theo safe. He could do it to save Zayn. 

“Now, be a good boy and open your mouth,” Barry cooed, gently cupping his chin and guiding Niall’s mouth forward. 

Niall would rather die, but he knew what he had to do. At least if he did it, he might save them. If he just closed his eyes... 

“NO!” Zayn yelled, somehow on his feet behind Barry. 

It made Barry freeze for a few seconds before turning around. 

“Are you jealous again?” He asked with a laugh. 

Zayn felt like his stomach had ruptured inside of him. It was painful to breathe. He had to fight through each one, feeling like he was on the verge of passing out. But he was not going to let Barry hurt Niall, he just wouldn't, even if it killed him. 

Zayn closed his eyes and spewed the words out. They were like a disease on his tongue, “you told me I was your boy, your favorite boy.” 

Barry's eyes lit up in such a way that Zayn almost threw up his organs. 

“Oh Zayn, you are my favorite boy. But… I have Niall here and he just looks so innocent, so pure. How can I not try him out?” 

A fresh batch of tears streaked down Niall’s cheeks. He felt degraded and broken and hopeless. He felt dehumanized. 

Niall felt Barry run himself against his cheek and he gagged. It was so demeaning; he looked over at Zayn wondering how he ever made it through this. 

“Open your mouth Niall.” 

Naill shook his head repeatedly, crying again. He didn't want to do this. Please god, help him. 

“Stop, Stop it!!!” Zayn screamed, unable to let this happen. 

“Go sit down Zayn. I think you’re hurt!” Barry said with a laugh. 

“No! Get away from him, you son of a bitch!” Zayn yelled again, the aching in his chest and abdomen making him nearly double over. 

Barry turned and glared at him, “I'm trying to enjoy myself and again you’re interrupting. You’re starting to get on my nerves! Stop it or else!” 

“Or else what Barry, you're going to beat me?! It's nothing you haven't done before!”  

Zayn knew what he was doing was probably sealing his fate, but he had to protect Niall. He was already damaged goods, what was another scar on his soul. But Niall, Niall could survive this. He could come out okay. 

“Zayn no!” Niall yelled, knowing what he was trying to do, fearing that Zayn might push him too far. 

But it was too late, Barry was angry. Zayn knew that look, knew that when the switch flipped for Barry he was like a bomb about to explode. There was going to be consequences and Zayn was willing to pay them as long as it kept Niall safe. 

Barry stalked towards him, Zayn stumbling backwards. He couldn’t get solid on his feet because his stomach was on fire when he tried to stand up straight. Barry’s one hand grasped the belt still hanging open in his pant loops, as the other tucked himself back into his pants. With one quick yank, he pulled the belt off, snap it tight. Zayn felt was terrified. Dear god, what was he about to do to him? 

"This was always your problem Zayn. You never knew when to stop pushing your luck, didn’t know when you needed to just behave." Barry said as he pulled his arm back. 

With a quick flip of his wrist, the belt slapped against the skin of his arm. Zayn let out a cry so loud, it shattered his own ears. Zayn could hear Niall screaming as well, but his only focus was on defending himself. He saw Barry pull his wrist pull back again. Then everything went black around him and pain overwhelmed him. It felt like his face was being burned with an iron, but this iron had sharp nails that were dragging across his skin. Zayn fell to the ground as he cried out in agony, his hand reaching up to protect himself in case Barry did it again. 

"That's what you get," Barry said, his voice a softer tone. 

Zayn cowered on the ground, tears gushing down his face as he tried to focus through the pain that was pulsating on the right side of his face. He opened his eyes but knew instantly something was wrong. His right eye would only open half way and everything was blurry. Zayn tried hard not panic and just keep his composure, losing that with Barry could be catastrophic. He tried not to think about how bad his injury might be, but his entire body started shaking when he pulled his hand from his face and it was covered in blood. 

"You're a fucking monster, you know that!" Niall started to yell, no longer caring about anything, "You do whatever it is you want to do to me, because I'm going to kill you when you let me go!" 

Barry rushed at him, ready to strike him with the belt, when the phone on the night stand began to ring, causing all three of them to freeze in place. 

"Who’s calling this room?" Barry asked Niall, "You better hope it's nobody or else your nephew is as good as gone." 

Niall pursed his lips, wanting to tell him that he was going to rip him to pieces. But he couldn't, because he was tied up and the phone was ringing and Zayn was badly injured. He couldn’t because Barry was in control.

"No one knows anything, but it could be maintenance or the front desk or housekeeping. You better answer it; they might just send someone up here. They’ve done that before.”

It was a lie, a bold face, a stupid almost unbelievable lie. But somehow, it worked. Barry for some reason, Niall wasn't really sure, turned and walked towards the phone, picking it up. 

"Hello," he said. 

There was silence and Niall knew it was his only shot, their only shot, "HELP!!! HELP!!!!" He screamed. 

Barry turned, his face burning deep red; the anger that filled his eyes was like nothing Zayn had ever seen before. He knew this was the tipping point. Barry might end up killing them if he was filled with that much rage. 

"No, no, we don’t need anything. Thank-you." he said quickly and hung up the phone, "I'm gonna hurt you now, you little prick! I'm gonna hurt you so bad that you're going to have permanent damaged and then I'm gonna make sure they take that little nephew of yours and hurt him. You'll forever wonder what happened to him and I'll make sure you never find him!" 

Niall immediately realized that he made a huge mistake. How was he going to fight him off tied up? How was he going to overpower him if he couldn't even move? Barry was coming for him again.

Zayn was curled on the floor, listening to Barry threatening Niall’s nephew. It made sense how he convinced Niall to lure him here. He threatened Theo. It was disgusting, but perfect and it worked.

Zayn knew he had to do something to stop this, too keep Niall in one piece. He took a deep breath and ignored the pain still coursing through his face. In one motion, he jumped off the floor and at Barry's back. He held no real faith that he could win this fight, but he could turn the attention back to him and away from Niall. 

"Are you really this stupid?!" Barry yelled, using almost no strength to throw Zayn off of him and back onto the bed.

Zayn landed face down. The comforter touched the wound on face and he groaned in agony as Barry literally ripped the shirt off his body. Zayn watched shards of it scatter all over the bed. Then without warning, he felt the belt crack across his back. It was like hot lava was being spread across his skin only the lava had nails in it, nails that were tearing into him. He let out strangle cries that sounded like a wounded animal. 

"This is what you get! This is what you deserve!!!" Barry yelled as he cracked the belt again and again. 

Zayn’s anguished screams filled the air after every snap of the belt. He could feel the skin being torn with each crack. His body was paralyzed from pain.

Niall screamed out as he watched the horrific scene unfold just a few feet away from him. "Stop, please, don’t hurt him anymore, STOP!!!" He cried, but it was no use, Barry was in a frenzy. 

Finally, after what seemed like forever, Barry stopped. He looked down at the quivering, broken boy and smiled. He dropped the belt next to Zayn's body and tried to catch his breath. 

"Please," Niall kept pleading, “Please no more. He can’t take anymore.”

Zayn's entire body was aching. Barry had never hurt him like this before; it had never gotten this violent. He wondered if this was how he was going to die, in a cold hotel room with Niall, at Barry’s hands.

His brain was beginning to shut down, the pain coursing through his body becoming too much to handle. Liam appeared in his mind then and he just lost himself in thoughts about his sweet Liam. He thought about how lucky he was to have him, even if it had been fleetingly. He thought about how cruel fate was to bring him that kind of joy for such a short time, only to rip it away like this. 

Zayn was yanked back to reality when he felt his pants being tugged off. He knew what was about to happen, he wasn't a novice at this. Somehow, he brought his gaze up to Niall and looked at the hysterical boy, his friend. Zayn tried to tell him that it would all be okay, everything would be okay. But he didn’t get the chance. 

Zayn was sure his entire body was breaking into two pieces as Barry entered him forcefully. Zayn cried out, arching his back, only to scream louder as his the injuries to his back were aggravated.

Niall couldn’t handle the way Zayn's body convulsed when Barry began violating him. He leaned his head as far away from his body as he could and emptied the contents of his stomach on the floor. 

"You like what you see?" Barry asked Niall, as he continued to push in and out of Zayn. 

Niall just shook his head no over and over, trying to lock eyes with Zayn, trying desperately to help him through this. 

Zayn tried to grab a hold of the comforter, anything to stop his body from moving. Each time Barry thrusted into him; the pain took his breath away. Zayn wished that death would be at the end of this. He just wanted to die.

He couldn't look at Niall any longer; never feeling such shame in his life. As he turned his head in the other direction, he saw the belt right next to him. He wondered if he could strangle himself with it. That would be better than laying here and getting raped again. Whether or not Barry noticed, Zayn didn’t care. He reached for the belt and felt the leather in his fingers. 

Everything happened in a matter of seconds, but it was slow motion for Zayn. There was a loud bang that echoed through the room, startling all three of them. Barry stopped moving first and then he pulled out of Zayn quickly, making him gasp. 

He could hear yelling, he could hear other voices besides Niall and Barry's. That was when it occurred to him. That was when he decided to take his fate into his own hands.  

He gripped the belt tighter between his fingers. He forced himself up, even though he had never felt a pain as intense as he was feeling in his back and his face and his… It was like every drop of adrenaline and strength and rage combined to give him just enough energy to do what he needed to do. He pulled himself to his knees and turned around; Barry's back to him. 

Zayn slipped the belt over Barry's head and around his neck, before he could even realize what was happening to him. Zayn gripped as hard as he could, satisfied as he heard Barry start gasping for breath. 

"I'm going to kill you!" He screamed as blood and tears dripped from his face, "I want you to die! You will never touch me again!" 

He pulled tighter and tighter, Barry gasping even louder for air to fill his lungs. His hands were trying desperately to yank the belt away, but Zayn was too far gone, he had too good of a grip. 

"Zayn!" A voice fluttered into Zayn's ear, "Zayn, don’t do this!" 

Liam. It was Liam. He turned his head and there was Liam right next to the bed, a hand reaching out to him. Was he real, or was Zayn really in so much pain that his mind was creating a mirage to sooth him. 

"Liam... is that..." Zayn asked, tears blurring his vision. 

"Yes, it's me. I'm here, I'm here," he said his hand still reaching out, "You have to stop. You're going to kill him." 

"I want him dead Liam... he....he..." The tears came harder. He couldn't finish his sentence. 

"I know, love, I know what he did. But killing him won’t solve anything. It will just make everything worse. It's all over now. The police are coming. He's never going to hurt you again, ever. Please Zayn, please let go!" 

Zayn didn’t want too. He want to watch Barry die, know that he caused it. Maybe he could finally get back some of his self-respect. But this was Liam. Liam came for him. Slowly, he let the belt slip from his hands, Barry falling to his knees choking, desperate for air. 

Zayn lost it completely at that point as he fell forward and cried out. He screamed louder as he felt the skin on his back pull, ripping open a little bit more. 

"Liam," he was able to squeak out. 

He felt Liam's arms immediately, grab him and pull him close. Zayn screamed and twitched, every inch of his skin on fire. The adrenaline was gone; all his strength had dissipated as his body gave out. He felt Liam pull away as soon as he had cried out. But Zayn reached for him again and grabbed the fabric of Liam’s shirt, needing him to stay close. 

He felt Liam sit down on the bed and gently guide Zayn's body so his head was resting against Liam's arm. Liam's hand began to rub through Zayn's hair as he gripped Liam's arm for dear life. 

"I'm here now love. It's going to be okay. I'm here," he told him over and over. 

Zayn just focused on Liam’s voice as the world drifted dark around him.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, THANK-YOU everyone for commenting and kudos and reading! I've been working on this story like crazy and knowing there are people who enjoy reading it, just makes me even more excited about writing! This next chapter should explain a few things that were left open at the end of the last chapter! I really hope you enjoy! I'm going to begin editing the next chapter tonight so I'll have another update in the next couple of days hopefully!

Liam left for the studio in one of the best moods he’d felt in a long time. Zayn was doing so well, he could see the difference in him already. He was more open and happy and… alive. _They_ were also moving forward, getting closer than ever before. Liam was sure, without a doubt, that taking a chance on their relationship was the best decision of his life.

Liam was at the studio for about two hours, just laying down a few demo tracks. Normally he would be in the studio for hours, losing track of time. But knowing Zayn was home waiting for him, he just wanted to get in and out.

When he finished, he grabbed his phone off the table and saw that he had missed calls from both Zayn and Louis. Both of them left voicemails. He listened to Zayn's voicemail first, smiling to himself as he heard Zayn's sweet message, now even more excited to get home.

Then he listened to Louis’ voicemail. There wasn’t a sense of panic or urgency in his words, but there was something in them that settle uneasily in Liam's stomach.

_‘Hey Liam, it's Louis. I was just wondering if you've heard anything from Niall. He called us about an hour ago asking if we wanted to have dinner. He said he'd be ready by now. We keep calling him and he's not answering. Call me back and let me know as soon as you can please?’_

Liam instantly called Zayn's phone. He was nervous, worried, that something was wrong. Zayn had gone to see Niall. Zayn and Niall were together so why wasn’t Niall answering the phone? Liam tried to calm himself by think they were probably talking and they probably didn’t notice Niall’s phone.

But then Zayn didn't answer. It rang 10 times and he didn't pick up. Liam felt his chest tighten a little and no matter how crazy it made him seem, he dialed again… and then again… and again. But Zayn never picked up.

It was some kind of blind frenzy that Liam went into. His hands were shaking as called Louis back.

“Hey Liam…”

“Zayn’s with Niall and now he's not answering his phone! Something's wrong Louis, something’s wrong!” Liam screamed as he headed out of the studio and into the parking lot.

“Okay, okay, hold on. Calm down and tell me exactly what's going on.” Louis said calmly, but dread was beginning to set in.

Liam climbed into his car. He took a deep breath and rested his head against the steering wheel, “I had to come to the studio but Zayn stayed home. We were going to meet up for dinner when I was done. He called and left a message saying Niall called him because he was having some issues with what happened to him in the studio. He asked Zayn to come to his hotel. On the voicemail, he told me to call him as soon as I was done. He still wanted to go have dinner… he’s not answering his phone either Louis! I called ten times! Something is wrong!!!”

Liam was near tears and he had to swallow them down, knowing once he lost it he wouldn't be able to stop.

Louis agreed with Liam. Something just wasn't right. There was no way that Niall would have invited them to dinner, but then call Zayn and make plans for almost the exact same time. And now, neither one of them were answering their phones? Louis was starting to get nervous.

“Okay, listen to me Liam; you need to go to Niall's hotel. We are going to leave now, we will meet you there. Do not do anything till we get there. We have to get in that room somehow and you flying in there like a crazy man isn't going to work. If we hear from Niall or you hear from Zayn, we’ll call each other, yea?”

“Yea… Yea…” Liam knew Louis was right; the hotel wasn't just going to let them walk right up, demand a key and go into Niall’s room. Louis was better in smooth talking people during times like this. “I'm on my way.”

Liam about killed himself to get over to the Sunset Tower Hotel. He had never driven so erratic, so dangerously before. But this was Zayn, his Zayn; he had to get to him. Liam kept praying that his phone would ring and Zayn would be laughing on the other. Zayn would tell him he didn't hear his phone and he and Niall were just talking and now they're ready for dinner. But his phone never rang.

Liam sat just there once he parked, trying to control himself instead of running into the hotel and demanding to be let in Niall's room. God please let Zayn be okay. How would he live if Zayn wasn't okay?

His eyes were scanning the parking lot trying to do anything but think. But when his eyes fell on the Range Rover parked across the lot that was when he felt his heart sink into his stomach. Zayn was here, Zayn was definitely here. That was Liam's Range Rover.

Liam nearly threw his body out of the car and was about to run to it, when he saw Louis and Harry pull into the parking lot. Harry jumped out as soon as he saw Liam, worried he was about to have a meltdown.

“Liam, what are you doing?” Harry yelled grabbing a hold of him.

He saw the look on Liam's face and knew he was about to snap.

“That's my Range Rover! He's here, Zayn is definitely here and he's… Oh my God!” Liam yelled, nearly ripping Harry’s shirt as his fist clutched at it.

Harry looked at the car and knew this was bad. It could mean nothing, it really could. But they all knew the feeling that they seemed to be sharing. He felt the cold hard truth settle in his stomach; something was very wrong.

Harry put both of his hands on Liam's shoulders, “you have to calm down. I know it's hard, I know you feel like you're going to die. But we cannot walk in there with you acting like this. Please Liam, take a few deep breaths and relax.”

Liam listened to Harry, trying to calm himself. It wasn't 100%, nowhere near it, but focusing on getting to Zayn and Niall, made him get it together just enough.

“Let me talk Liam, okay?” Louis said softly as he headed towards the door, “I'll make sure we get up there.”

Liam nodded, knowing he needed to keep his mouth tightly shut or he might lose any of the composure he was able to regain.

They walked into hotel lobby and Louis wasted no time approaching the front desk, “Hello sir, how can I help you?” the lady asked.

“I know that this is going to sound like a ridiculous request, but… my friend is staying here. My friends and I are worried about his safety. We need to get up there, we need to get in his room and make sure everything is okay. Is there any way you can help me?”

Louis’ voice was soft and gentle, trying to desperately work her over. Harry and Liam just stood behind him but left enough to space to not crowd the girl. They didn't want to make her feel ganged up on. Liam was all but leaning on Harry, knowing every moment was one moment he wasn't with Zayn. One moment that Zayn could be in danger. Harry just rubbed his back soothingly, feeling the tenseness in Liam's muscles.

“Sir… I can't just let you up there… But…”

“Please, there has to be something you can do. I think my friend is in danger. We have reason to believe he might be hurting himself.”

It was bold face lie, but Louis sold it well. The girl nodded and held her hand up, “let me get my manager.”

She walked away and Louis turned to them, nodding his head just once. He was going to take care of this one way or another.

Another woman appeared, seemingly the manager and approached the desk. “Hi sir, what seems to be the problem?”

“My friend, he's staying here. I think he's trying to hurt himself. I need to check on him. Can you help me?”

She smiled the way anyone who’s in the service industry does when they think your requests are outrageous but they can't tell you that. “Sir, I can't just give you a key to his room.”

“But I'm telling you my friend might hurt himself!” Louis said just a little more forcefully.

“I understand that sir and I'm going to try and help you, but I can't give you a key or access to his room. I'm sorry.”

She was like a robot, Liam wanted to hop to counter and strangle her, but he just stayed next to Harry.

“Then how are you going to help me?” Louis asked, getting agitated.

“We can call his room for you. I'll put it on speaker and you can speak with him. If we get permission to give you a key, then I will.”

It wasn't exactly what Louis was hoping for, but it was something. Although, if Niall wasn't answering his phone, what was going to make him answer his room phone. It didn't matter, Louis had to try it.

“Okay, please if you can, thanks!”

She began typing on the computer, “what's his name, sir?”

“Niall Horan.”

She typed it into the computer and hit the speaker button on the phone, dialing the extension to his room. It rang and rang and rang. Louis felt like he was running in circles, sure that this was a waste of valuable time because no one was picking up. But then…

“Hello?” a voice, and I wasn’t Niall’s, came through.

Louis felt like someone had stuck their hand through his chest as he took a micro second to register what he was hearing. It wasn’t Niall. It wasn’t Zayn. There was an American accent. Louis knew instantly, and when he turned and looked at Liam and Harry, he knew they knew as well. It was Barry.

Liam thought he was going to fall over and then wanted to run to the elevators, go to the room. Oh my god, Barry had them. Then they heard it faintly, but enough that they were all sure it was there. Niall’s voice screamed through the phone, “HELP!!! HELP!!!”

“Is everything okay, Mr. Horan? Do you need help?” the manager asked, her face already breaking its professional demeanor.

“No, no, we don’t need anything, Thank-you” and the line went dead.

“HARRY!” Liam yelled.

“I know, Liam, I know!” he said back, feeling sick to his stomach, “Louis!”

“You need to give me that key now!” Louis demanded, not trying to smooth anyone over anymore.

The manager ignored him as she picked up the phone and dialed another number. Louis thought about reaching over and ripping the phone wire out of the phone, but her words made him pause.

“I need security to room 7504. There seems to be a situation and I need it immediately.”

They were going to send security. They knew the room number. Liam took off for the elevator before anyone could stop him. Harry followed after him.

“LIAM!” Harry yelled.

Louis noticed what was happening and took off as well. Harry was a big guy but Liam was like a wolf protecting his pack. Stopping him alone was going to be a feat even for Harry.

“Hey, you guys can’t go up there! Let security handle this!” The manager yelled as they boarded the elevator.

Louis didn’t bother responding just pushing the arrows to close the doors. Once the elevator moved no one could stop them from going up there.

It felt like years to Liam as the elevator traveled up seven floors. Barry, it was Barry. He had known inside of him that Barry was behind this. But confirmation didn’t make it anything but harder. When the doors finally open, Liam went to take off in a full sprint again, repeating 7504 in his head over and over.

Harry grabbed him though, gripping him tight enough to hold him back, “Liam, no! You can’t just go running!”

“Let me go!” he yelled, “He has Zayn!” but Harry held tight.

Two large men, clearly security, climbed off the elevator in front of them. They turned and looked at them and held out their hands, “You boys need to stay here and let us handle this.”

Liam whimpered desperate to get away, but Louis reached out and tightened the hold they already had on Liam, “No let them do this! They’re security; they’re as close to the police that we’ve got right now.” Louis told him.

Louis was right, Liam realized that, but it didn’t stop him from trying to pull away every few seconds. He watched as security approached the door. Liam watched as they went to knock only to stop and look at each other for a split second before one of them started pressing his body against the door. In unison they pulled back and rammed there large bodies against the door three more times before it flew open.

Niall’s screams trickled out into the hallway as the two men ran inside the room. “I need the police and an ambulance now!” they heard one of the men yell into the walkie talkie he pulled from his belt loop.

That was it. That was the final straw. Liam used all his strength and pulled himself away from Harry and Louis and took off in a full sprint down the hallway towards the open door. Louis and Harry were running behind him but they were no longer trying to stop Liam.

Liam barreled into the room ignoring the security yelling that they shouldn’t be in here. He saw Niall tied to a chair, vomit pooled at his feet. He was in nothing but underwear, his neck a deep purple, like something had bruised the tissue.

‘Oh dear god,’ Liam thought.

But then he saw Zayn. It was an image he will never get out of his head, so horrific that Liam wasn’t sure it could be real. Zayn was on his knees on the bed, naked except for his pants bunched at his calves. There was blood dripping down his back… no god… there was blood dripping down his thighs. His stomach was bruised and swollen. The entire right side of his face was swollen, black and blue and his eye swelled shut.

He had the belt in his hands and he had it wrapped around Barry’s neck. It was more than obvious that Zayn was trying to kill him. Liam thought about letting him, but Harry yelled out Zayn’s name as he kneeled next to Niall, trying to calm him down. Liam had to stop this. It wouldn’t solve anything if Zayn killed Barry.

“Zayn!” he said getting as close as he could to the bed, “Zayn don’t do this!”

It took several seconds but Zayn eventually turned to him with recognition on his face. The injuries to Zayn’s face were even worse from this angle. It took all the strength in Liam’s body to not yell out in horror.

"Liam... is that..." Zayn asked his voice cracking.

"Yes, it's me. I'm here, I'm here," Liam heard himself say; "You have to stop. You're going to kill him."

"I want him dead Liam... he....he..."

Zayn started to sob harder, but somehow kept his grip on the belt.

"I know, love, I know what he did. But killing him won’t solve anything; it will just make everything worse. It's over now. The police are coming. He's never going to hurt you again, okay? Please Zayn, please!"

Liam could see the anguish Zayn was feeling, like he was weighing the pros and cons in his head. But finally, he let the belt slip from his hands and Barry fell to his knees gasping for air.

He watched as Zayn came completely undone. His body fell onto his hands and knees and he cried out loudly. The sounded hitting Liam so deep, it left scars on his soul.

Liam wasn’t sure what to do. He needed to stay with Zayn, he needed to scoop him up and protect him from everyone and everything in this world, make sure no one EVER hurt him again. He would die before that would ever happen. But Barry was on the floor, and even though he was gasping for air, he was still free. What if he tried to run away? What if he got up and went at Zayn again?

Louis came out of nowhere and hovered over Barry, “You’re done. You’re going to pay for everything you’ve done, you filthy piece of garbage!”

"Liam," Zayn’s voice croaked, barely audible snapping Liam into action.

Instinctively, Liam reached for him, attempting to pull Zayn close. But a sound so agonizing left Zayn as soon as Liam touched his skin that Liam just pulled back. Zayn was twitching, very clearly in an overload of pain.

He turned his head rapidly around the room until he finally made eye contact with Louis, “He’s hurt, oh god, he’s hurt,” he whimpered.

“An ambulance is on its way, Liam.” Louis reassured.

A grasp to his shirt brought his full attention back on Zayn, as he desperately tried to pull Liam close. He could hear him whimpering, each sound making it harder for Liam to breath. If only he had stayed home. If only he didn’t go to that stupid studio. If only he had gotten here sooner.

He gently sat down on the bed, not wanting to make any swift movements. He softly, slowly, gently as possible pulled Zayn onto him. He could only get him so Zayn’s upper body was draped over Liam’s legs; the painful sounds coming from Zayn were almost too much for Liam to hear. Zayn let his complete body weight go against him as his head came to rest in the bend of Liam’s arm; his arms wrapping themselves tightly around Liam’s.

Liam’s fingers brushed through Zayn’s hair, trying to comfort him as much as possible, "I'm here now love. It's going to be okay. I’m here.”

Those words, he couldn’t tell you how many times he just repeated those words. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he jumped out of surprise.

There were two paramedics standing behind him.

“You have to let him go, I’m sorry, but we need to get him to the hospital.”

Liam nodded but his grip didn’t loosen. Zayn needed help but they couldn’t take him. Please god, don’t let them take him. No one could take him, please!

“Please,” the man said again, “he’s badly hurt.”

“Liam!” Louis yelled, suddenly standing next to him and pulling Liam’s arms off of Zayn’s body.

Liam noticed then, as Zayn was ripped from his arms, that he had passed out at some point. He watched in horror as they placed an oxygen mask over him, strapped him to the stretcher and started to wheel him out of the room.

“OH MY GOD!” he yelled delayed, trying to go after Zayn.

Louis pushed him back gently, not taking much to keep Liam down, all his strength was gone. Tears began to cascade down his cheeks, sobbing as he fell into Louis.

“It’s okay Liam; he’s going to be okay.” Louis told him, understand what Liam must be feeling, a feeling worse than death.

He had no idea how long he cried into Louis when he heard someone clear their throat, “I’m very sorry boys, but I’m going to have to ask each of you a couple of questions.”

Liam looked up at the police officers in front of him and then his mind swirled, “Oh my god, Niall! Is Niall okay?” he asked.

“They took him to the hospital too. He’s hurt but not as bad as Zayn,” Harry told him.

“Barry! What about Barry!?” he asked realizing for the first time he was no longer on the floor. No, he was no longer in the room.

“We have him in custody,” the police officer said reassuringly, “Now, I really need you boys to come with me and then we will take you over to the hospital.”

Louis and Harry both helped Liam up and nearly held him as they left the hotel room behind, following the police in the elevator and out the building.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say thank-you to everyone for reading and commenting and leaving kudos. I know I always say it, but I really really mean it! Sorry the update was a little late. I am actually away on vacation and had a little down time today so I could update! Hopefully I'll have another update sooner than later! Hope everyone enjoys!!!

Liam had been staring at the clock on the cold white wall in front of him for what felt like an eternity. Yet if you asked him, he couldn’t tell you the time, he probably couldn’t even tell you what day it was. All he could focus on was Zayn. He just kept seeing Zayn with the belt around Barry's neck, the bruising all over him… all that blood. Liam remembered the desperation in Zayn when he reached for him, wanting nothing more than to be held. But it hurt him too bad to be touched. He remembered how he felt when the paramedics ripped Zayn from his arms. All of this was too much for Liam’s mind, it was too much.  
As soon as they left the hotel, they were taken directly to the hospital. The police instantly took them into a private waiting room and sat the three of them down and began asking questions. The questions were mostly a blur. But he remembers his stomach doing a nosedive when he was asked if he knew what could have happened in that hotel room.

There was no way Liam could hold it back now and he let everything he knew flow from his lips. There was a possibility that Zayn would never forgive him for telling the police what Barry had done, but that was a risk Liam had to take. There couldn't be another incident like this.

There was no comfort in what the police said to them, at least for Liam. Barry was in custody now, he would be held without bail for the time being. Yes, he was locked away, but what good did that do? He had already broken Zayn, attacked Niall, put both boys in the hospital. The damage had already been done.

The police asked them if they knew how to get in contact with both Niall and Zayn's parents. Liam instantly offered to call Zayn's. The last thing they needed was a stranger calling and saying Zayn was badly injured in a hospital halfway around the world. Harry offered to call Niall's parents. It was the least they could do.

After the interview, they were lead into another small waiting room and told they could wait here for the doctors. It was there that Liam made that call. It was probably the hardest phone call he'd ever made in his life. He wasn't sure what he was or wasn't going to tell Trisha on the phone when he called, but as soon as the words slipped out of his mouth, 'Something's happened, Zayn's in the hospital. You need to get the next flight out,' there was no holding back.

'Liam, what do you mean something's happened to Zayn?!' He remembers the terror in her voice.

'Trisha, he was attacked. It's been going on for awhile. I'm so sorry I wasn't there to protect him,' Liam's voice had broken, trying to hold in the sobs that were planted in his throat.

  
'Attacked?!' She had screamed,

'What do you mean it's been going on for awhile?! Is he okay?! Liam, is Zayn okay?!'

Liam remembers closing his eyes and leaning his head against the cold barren wall. His tears were about to spill over, but he locked them up. He had no business crying right now.

'I don’t know... we haven’t seen the doctor yet. The police just left. You need to get on the next plane out here.'

“OH MY GOD!” He remembers her screaming, hearing her start to cry and the phone falling to the ground.

He waited as her voice yelled for someone, anyone in the distance. ‘My Zayn, oh my god, my boy!’ she was sobbing.

Liam heard shuffling, someone soothing her and then a deep voice picked up, ‘Hello? Liam?’ Yaser had said.

This was even worse now. How could he tell his father… ‘Liam, what's wrong with Zayn? What's wrong with my boy?’

Liam could still feel the pain in his chest as he heard the anguished cries of Zayn's Mum in the background the slight break in his Dad's voice as he asked about Zayn.

‘He was attacked Yaser… This isn't the first time… You guys have to get to the hospital!’

The catching is Yaser’s breath told Liam that he had suspicions about what Liam meant by attacked. It was confirmed when he spoke again. His voice was tight.

‘Is… Ugh…is he okay? Is he comfortable for the time being?’

‘I don't know…’ Liam had nearly cried, ‘it was bad… It was so bad…’

There was a sharp intake of breath, ‘We will be on the first flight. If you find out anything, please call, please. And Liam if you see him, tell him we love him and we're coming!’

Liam promised he would. God, Liam would do anything they asked of him, anything. He didn't protect their son after all the promises he had made. He owed them whatever they asked.  
After he hung up, he stayed against the wall, trying to keep himself from freaking out. What if Zayn wasn't okay? What if he lost him?!

Those thoughts were still swirling around in his brain now, as he sat staring at the clock. He had no idea how much time had passed since he'd taken this seat. All he knew was that he would sit here forever if he had too.

"Liam," Harry said gently from the seat next to him.

Liam didn’t respond, he just kept staring off at the clock.

"Liam," Harry said a little more forceful.

"What?" He finally answered, surprised his throat even still worked.

"You've been here for almost 18 hours. You need to get some rest."

Harry's words made Liam finally rip his eyes away from the clock and turn and look at Harry, his eyes catching a sleeping Louis on the bench behind them.

"I won't leave Zayn," he told Harry.

"Liam," Harry's hand reached out and rested on his shoulder gently, "You heard what the Doctor said to us. We can’t see him, we can't see Niall either. We're not family. His parents are still a couple hours away. You need to get some rest."

"I won't leave him Harry!" Liam said defiantly, "I... even if I'm not in there, I can't bare the thought of him here by himself."

"He's not by himself. We won't leave. One of us will always be here." Harry said.

Liam looked at Harry and knew he meant well, he just didn’t understand, he just didn’t get it.

"I can't Harry, I just can't. I'm staying."

Harry sighed defeated, but not at all surprised Liam was being this stubborn.

"Well... at least try to eat this then?" Harry reached over and grabbed a granola bar out of a bag and picked up a cup of coffee.

"I'm not hungry."

"Liam please!" Harry begged.

After a few seconds, Liam took the bar and coffee from Harry's hands, feeling bad, knowing Harry was only trying to help. Liam did his best to pick at the granola bar, but after just two small bites he felt like he was going to be sick.  
They fell back into silence, but Harry stayed seated next to Liam as Liam's mind began to drift again. Maybe five minutes passed or maybe it was five hours, but eventually, the door opened and the doctor walked in.

Liam was on his feet instantly, "How's Zayn?" He asked.

The doctor gave him a sad smile, "Mr. Payne, we've been over this several times, I can't tell you anything unless you're his significant other or immediate family. I really am sorry."

"I’m his boyfriend,” Liam blurted out.

The doctor eyed him, but Liam's face had never been more serious, "Mr. Payne..." The doctor started to say.

"Dr. Powers, Liam is just..." Harry began but was quickly cut off.  
"No Harry, I am his boyfriend! Please, PLEASE, tell me how he is!"

Liam would drop to his knees if he had to, if that's what it took to find out even a sliver of information.

The doctor seemed to be thinking, "Okay," he finally said with a sigh, "I can't let you see him or give you many details because you're not family and I don't know if you're telling me the truth. But, Zayn... he's experienced some traumatic injuries. He's been through a lot, but he's stable."

The breath that Liam let out could have been heard in London. He was stable, he was okay. Tears almost came out of him right then.

"Is he awake?" he asked.

"No, we have him sedated for the time being. It's better for the pain."

And just like that the relief that Liam had been feeling was gone. Pain, how much pain was Zayn in? It was almost too much for him to bare.

"I'm sorry boys, that's all that I can tell you." Dr. Powers told them turning to leave.

"Wait!" Harry called out, "How's Niall? Is Niall okay?"

Niall, Liam suddenly remembered Niall and he felt even worse than he did before. He had been so wrapped up in Zayn and what had happened to Zayn, he hadn’t even thought about Niall and what he’d been through.

"He's stable as well. His injuries were not nearly as severe as Zayn's, but we still need to keep an eye on him. I'm sorry, that's all that I can say."

The doctor gave them one last smile before turning and leaving the room. Harry tried hard to not say something, but he couldn't stop himself.

"Liam what were you thinking telling the Doctor you're Zayn's boyfriend? They could have kicked us out of here!"

Liam turned to stare at Harry, try to explain everything with his eyes. But he noticed Louis, who was now awake, sitting up on the bench. Liam gave him a look instead.

"Harry love," Louis said clearing his throat, "Liam and Zayn have gotten pretty close. I don't think Liam was lying when he told the Doctor that."

Liam gave Louis a silent thank-you, not prepared to have that conversation with anyone right now.

"Oh... well... why didn’t you just..." But Harry didn’t get to finish.

As he was talking, the door flew open and Maura Gallagher came into the waiting room, looking like she had been through a war. Her clothes were wrinkled, her hair a mess, her eyes were severely bloodshot. The boys had never seen her look like this.

"Maura," Harry said instantly going to her.

"Where is Niall? I need to see him!" She said sounding desperate, her voice giving away the fact that she had been crying for most, if not all, of the ten hour flight to LA.

Harry gently led her over to a chair, rubbing her back trying to sooth her, "Why you don’t you sit down and Louis will go get the doctor."

Louis jumped off the bench and exited the room quickly. Liam's heart broke as Maura was on the verge of crumbling into a million pieces. The guilt was eating at Liam a little more.

"You didn’t come alone did you?" Harry asked.

"I had to! Bobby was in Ireland and I couldn’t wait for him to come to London. I needed to get here. He's my son... oh god boys, I need to see him!"

And she broke down into tears, her entire body shaking with them. Liam could only imagine what she was feeling. How do you deal with someone hurting your child?

Harry just kneeled down in front of her and hugged her to his chest, "Louis is getting the doctor and then you can see him."  
No sooner did he say that did Louis and Dr. Powers come walking into the room.

"Mrs. Gallagher?"

Maura jumped up quickly and wiped the tears off her face, "Yes, yes, where is my son? Is he okay? Can I see him?" She said bombarding him with questions.

"He's..." And he trailed off taking in Louis, Liam and Harry’s presence.

"What?" Maura asked, her heart pounding in her chest.

"Would you like to talk privately?"

She was confused for a moment, but then she followed the Doctor's eyes and she knew immediately.  
"You can say anything in front of them, they're family."

And just like that, Dr. Powers started talking, "Niall is okay physically. His injuries were mostly minor, minus the trauma to his neck. He's been a victim of what is known as partial strangulation. There could be serious delayed health issues, such as vocal cord damage, breathing problems, sleep disturbances, hearing and vision changes. But right now, we're worried about fluid appearing on the lungs. We need to keep a close eye on him to make sure that doesn’t happen."

All the guys felt like they had been slapped in the face with this information. They knew it was serious, but this was surreal. Maura on the other hand, seemed to be in a sort of frenzy, questions spewing from her mouth.

"Partial Strangulation? How, by who?!" She was nearly screaming.  
"I don’t know much about that, my concern is his health."

"Who did this?! What exactly happened?" She asked spinning to the boys, wanting answers, wanting to know everything. She wanted to know what happened to her son.

No one said anything at first, waiting to see if someone else would answer. Eventually, it was Harry who answered her.

"It was Barry Anderson, one of the record producers we've been working with. He... we found out... Maura, Barry had forced Zayn to have sex with him repeatedly while he was in the band..."

It was like all the blood in her body fell out of her all at once. Her face got white and fell, "Oh god... oh no... Please god!" She pleaded.

"He went after Niall..." Harry tried to get it out quickly and tell her he didn’t succeed, but she didn't give him the chance.

Her legs gave out and she crumbled to the floor, "Nooo! God No!" She screamed.

"But he didn’t... he didn’t Maura! He didn't!” Harry tried to calm her, both Liam and Louis rushing to help Harry help her off the floor.

Harry pulled her close, carrying all the weight of her tiny frame as she tried to regain composure.  
"I want to see him; I want to see him now!" She demanded, turning back to the doctor.

"Absolutely, of course! I just want you to know something first... I'm not as worried about him physically as I am mentally. He's been through a serious trauma and recommended we keep him on a 72 hour psych evaluation."  
A pin could have dropped and they could have heard it echo off the walls. That quiet enveloping him. How do you process information like that?  
"I need to see him now!" Maura demanded again.

"Of course, come with me."

As she followed, she clutched at Harry dragging him with her, "Please come with me!" She begged.

“Of course,” Harry responded.

His arm wrapped around her and nearly carried her through the hospital. They had no idea in what state they were going to find Niall in and Harry could tell Maura feared the worst. They walked down a long hallway before turning down a quieter one. Niall was in the third room down.  
Harry filled with rage as soon as they walked into the room. Niall was thrashing about in bed, his face tear stained. He was whimpering as he attempted to pull his arms up, pulling against restraints. They had strapped Niall to his bed.

"Why the hell is he restrained?!" Harry yelled instantly.

"We're worried he might hurt himself... he's..."

"No!" Harry demanded, "Don’t you know anything about what happened?! He was tied to a chair and attacked. He was restrained as he watched our friend get attacked. You need to unstrap him, that's why he's freaking out! We need to unstrap him now!"

Niall felt like his muscle were going to lock up on him, but he had to pull free, he had to get his hands free. He’d do just about anything to get away!

"Sweetheart," he heard a voice and felt a hand touch him.

Niall tried so hard, but he couldn’t get away. It felt like he was going to dislocate his shoulder as he twisted from the touch, but he didn’t care. All he cared about was staying away from Barry. He saw what happened to Zayn, what he hadn’t stopped from happening to Zayn, and he knew he was next.

"No, no, it's okay! Niall baby, look at me!"

This time the hands were on his face and he thought about Barry's hands and... his penis... on his face. It made him want to die.

"Niall!" The voice said again, forceful.

He recognized the voice than...

"Mum?" He whispered.

"Yes, love, open your eyes."

It was like a dream, hearing her. Niall was always so independent, even as a child, until he needed someone, until he needed her. And he needed her right now. He forced his eyes open scared that it was a trick, scared Barry would be standing there, ready to torture him some more. But there she was, looking at him, tears flowing down her cheeks. She looked at him with a love that he had never seen in anyone else's eyes. A love only his Mother could have.

"Mum," he croaked again breaking down completely, letting his tears flow down his face.

He wanted her to hold him; he wanted to feel her comfort. But when he attempted to move towards her, the bindings held him back, making him cry harder. Her fingertips softly wiped the wetness away as she leaned down and kissed his forehead.

"Sweetie, I need you to relax okay. I know it's hard, but just relax and I'll get you out of these."

"Mum please," he begged.

"Relax okay, baby?" She told him.

It was hard, it was so hard, but he listened to her. And then he felt her gently unhook the first armband, his wrist coming free. His sigh was loud and heartbreaking. Maura quickly unhooked the other, watching as Niall instantly stopped thrashing.

Slowly, she sat down next to him on the bed and stroked his hair, "There you go, see all better."

"Mum, oh god Mum," Niall said the tears came out of him like buckets.

It didn’t matter that he was 22 and a grown man, she scooped him into her arms and held him like she did when he was 2 days old, rocking him to her chest. He grasped her and let her hold him; protect him, even if all she could protect him from now was a memory.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry!" He said, his fists wrapped in her shirt.

"There's nothing to be sorry about, love. It's alright, everything's alright." Maura said softly.

He pulled away from her and looked at her, "It's all my fault don’t you understand that?! It's all my fault!"

"What's your fault, baby, what?"

"Zayn was there at my hotel because of me! Barry came to me, he showed up at my hotel and I called Zayn to come there."

Maura was confused; she had no idea what had happened, what any of this meant. All she knew was Niall was rambling and desperate to talk.

"Okay, okay, just take a deep breath and tell me everything." She told him stroking his hair again, remembering how much he loved that as a child.

Niall listened, he gathered himself as much as he could before continuing, "Barry Anderson, our record producer... he forced Zayn to have sex with him since we did our first album..."

He went on to tell her everything he could about Barry and Zayn and his obsession with the other guys. How he went after Harry and then came after him in the studio. Maura listened, trying not think about what Zayn's parents were about to go through. Trying not to think about how disgusting this entire situation was. Herself and Bobby, as well as Zayn's parents and Harry's and Louis and Liam's trusted their sons to these people, only to find out one of them was the worst kind of person. No, he wasn’t even a person; person was too nice of a word. It could have been her son; it could have been any of theirs.

"Then he showed up at my hotel room, by pretending to be a maintenance man. I'm so stupid Mum, so stupid. I should have known he would come for me. I tried so hard to stop him from getting in my room, but he was bigger, stronger than me. I tried to get away... but he..." Niall's fingers traced his neck.

"No, no don’t touch your neck," Maura said gently guiding his hands away from the horrific black and blue finger prints lining his throat. She had never wanted to actually kill someone, but she would make no hesitation in doing it to this man.

"I really thought he was going to kill me, but he... he just stopped. I told him just to do it, rape me, it didn’t matter. He was going to get it one way or another. It would be easier just to let him have it. He didn't though Mum, god I wish he did!" Niall said tears coming again.

"Don’t you say that!"

"No you don’t understand. He made me choose. I called Zayn to the hotel room. I'm the reason Barry did those horrible things! It’s all my fault!"

He was starting to get hysterical again. Maura had to reel him back in.

"Tell me what happened Niall."

"He had pictures on his phone Mum... of Theo."

Maura's entire body turned to ice. She felt like what happened to Niall had smacked her harder than anything could, but now hearing her Grandson's name brought in the mix...

"What do you mean had pictures of Theo?"

"He had people watching him. He told me if I didn't call Zayn to come to my room, he’d have them take Theo and we'd never see him again. I didn’t want to... but I couldn't Mum, I couldn't!"

Niall fell forward again and she gripped him tightly, forcing him to look her in the eyes.

"That is not your fault. None of this is your fault!"

"I can’t stop thinking about it!” he screeched. “I watched him get beat with a belt! There was was so much blood. God, he was in so much pain! I watched Zayn get raped right in front of me! How could anyone do something so… Oh god, oh god! It's on repeat in my head Mum, I can’t stop seeing it! I just keeps playing over and over! It's all my fault! Everything that happened is my fault! Zayn will never forgive me; no one is ever going to forgive me!"

And Niall completely fell apart. He went limp in her arms, letting his Mother hold him to her. Maura had to call someone about Theo, but she knew she couldn’t tear away herself from Niall. He was on the verge of a complete breakdown and she was the only thing holding him together.  
Thankfully, she saw Harry still standing in to doorway. His face telling her he had heard every word.

"Do you need me to call Greg?" He asked, his voice nearly an octave deeper.

"Yes please," handing Harry her phone.

Once Harry took it, everything else in the world faded away and she focused on nothing but her son. Her arms locked around Niall as she rocked him gently. Maura told him over and over this wasn't his fault and that no one hated him that they were going to get him the help he needed to turn off the pictures in his head. They were going to get him the help he needed to deal with the violation he also had endured. Everything was going to be okay, she would do everything in her power to make sure of that. She would sell her soul to the devil if she had too.

Harry stood out in the hallway and tried to collect himself before making this phone call. How was Harry supposed to tell Greg all of this? It didn't matter, he knew he had too.

Harry had heard every word and it was worse than he could have ever imagined. He knew he now had the duty of telling both Liam and Louis what had really happened in that room. How was he supposed to do that? But this was nothing compared to what Niall and Zayn had been through. He kept telling himself that.  
After a deep breath, Harry collected himself and started dialing, well aware that this nightmare was far from over.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to start by saying thank-you a thousand times over for reading and leaving kudos and comments! I just appreciate it more than you know! I am back from vacation so hopefully my updates can come a little closer together cause I'll have more time to write :) Hope you guys enjoy this next chapter!

The first thing Zayn remembered after being swallowed in darkness is a voice. His brain wasn't able to figure out who it was but they sounded so familiar. Then he felt the pain, the severe, never ending pain. He was suddenly aware of his breathing too and it felt like with every breath he took he was trying to lift an elephant off his chest. His back was burning, like he had hot coals pressed against the skin. His face and stomach ached. 

Then he remembered why he felt like this and everything came rushing back. Barry had held him and Niall against their will in Niall’s hotel room. Barry had beaten him worse than he ever had before because he refused to let Barry hurt Niall. Barry had raped him again… He had to get away before Barry decided to come after him again. 

Instantly, he forced open his eyes, not really noticing that only one eye was working, and attempted to sit up. Terror was coursing through his body as he tried to get away. Only anytime he moved the pain was overwhelming, keeping him from escaping. There were hands on him, grabbing at his body. Zayn did all he could to keep them away, pleading and whimpering to just let him be. 

“Stop, Zayn stop, it's okay!” He heard a voice say. 

“No please, don't hurt me again!” He begged his voice sound like sandpaper even to his own ears. 

Somewhere in his mind he knew it wasn't Barry but nothing was really making sense. All he knew was that someone was touching him and every time that happened he got hurt. 

“No Zayn, oh god my sweet boy, I'm here now! No one is ever going to you hurt you again! Please open your eyes!”

He felt hands run through his hair, gently stroke his dark strands, “Baby look at me.” 

Zayn hadn't been looking at anything or anyone, just staring at the white ceiling, trying to focus on not blacking out from the searing pain running all over his body. 

“Baby, sweetheart, please look at me!” She begged again. 

He finally turned his head and he was shocked to see his Mother staring down at him, her hands still stroking his hair. 

The tightening of his chest came instantly and all he could croak out was, “Mum?” before tears poured out of him. 

“Yes baby, it's me, I'm here,” her own tears flowing out of her already bloodshot eyes. 

Zayn reached for her like he used to when he was a small child, wanting nothing more than to feel his mother's arms around him. Trisha leaned down and scooped him gently in to her arms, squeezing him as hard as she could without hurting him. 

Zayn let himself fall into her, crying on her shoulder. He didn't care why or how she was here. All he knew was that she was and he never needed her more. The longer she held him the harder Zayn's tears came. He kept gripping her tighter and tighter, trying to pull as close as possible. 

His mind could only focus on her and because of that, he didn't realize how recklessly he was moving. As he tried to bring himself off the bed, a hot burning sensation traveled up his spine causing an audible gasp to leave his mouth and his body to stiffen. Zayn wasn't sure he could breath. 

Trisha instantly pulled away; scared he had hurt himself even more. But even through all the pain, Zayn kept reaching for her, desperate to keep her close.

“No sweetie, you can't move that fast. You’re injured,” she told him.

Her voice was soothing as he tried to catch his breath, the pain slowly subsiding. 

“Zayn baby, your back is…” And she had to stop for a minute to regain her composure. This was not the time her emotions to get away from her. She needed to be strong for son, “your back is very bad. You cannot make any quick movements.” 

Zayn nodded and sniffled as he squeezed his eyes closed; suddenly realizing he was only using one eye. Panic set in and he quickly reached for it. His mother grabbed his hand in time. 

“No! Don't touch your eye or your face!” 

“Oh my god, why can't I see?” He yelled. 

“It's okay, just relax baby.” She said trying to calm him down.

“Mum, why can't I see?!” 

She held his hands just tight enough to control them and leaned down and kissed his forehead, “Baby, you were hurt real bad. Do you remember anything?” 

Of course he remembered and Zayn knew by the way she asked him that she knew what had happened. It made him want to crawl away in shame. His head leaned back and he let tears flow down his cheeks as he stared up at the ceiling again. 

“Zayn, baby?” His mother asked when he didn't answer. 

“Yea… I remember everything…” 

“Oh Zayn, oh my baby!” She cried stroking his uninjured cheek, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” 

He brought his eyes to hers, not being able to bare his mother crying because of him, “Please don’t cry Mum, please!” 

Trisha leaned down and put her forehead against his, letting her tears stain her face as she tried to wipe away her son’s, “I am your Mother and I am hurting because you’re hurting. I will always hurt when you hurt. I’m so sorry this happened, but you will never have to go through that again! I am here now and I will protect you even if it kills me!” 

 It was like a boulder had been placed inside Zayn the first time that Barry had laid his hands on him and at this moment it was finally being lifted. Pain and heartache washed over him, but so did relief. His hands wrapped around her back and he hugged himself to her again, more tears flooding out. 

They held each other for a long time, both too overcome with emotion to do anything else. 

"Mum," he finally asked his face pressed into her shoulder "What's wrong with me? How bad did he hurt me this time?" 

Trisha pulled back and stared at her son, dread washing over her, "What do you mean _this time_ Zayn?" 

Zayn didn't know what to do or say. He assumed she knew everything. For some stupid reason he thought she had found out. Now, he realized he had said too much and she was going to ask questions he wasn't sure he could tell his Mother the answers too. 

"Mum... I..." 

"No!" Trisha cried, "I never push you Zayn. I always give you the space you desire, but I can't... I can't this time. You have to talk me!" 

Zayn's eyes closed and looked back up at the ceiling. If he was going to tell her these things, he couldn't look at her face. He was too scared he'd see the disgust he was sure she was going to feel towards him. 

 "I was raped." Zayn spit out, leaving a bad taste in his mouth. 

There seemed to be a never ending silence as Zayn’s Mother squeezed his hand tightly. 

"I know, baby," she said, her voice hoarse from holding back her emotions. 

Zayn looked at her than and her face was contorted in pain. She was trying so hard not to crumble to pieces. It was unbearable for Zayn to watch. He had never felt such guilt in his life. This was all his fault. If he had just kept quiet, he could have prevented so much pain if he had just kept quiet.

“Zayn, sweetheart, I know it's hard, but… We have to talk about this…” She cried, her hands shaking.

This had to be the most painful thing Trisha had ever experienced in her life. Someone had hurt her child, someone had violated her child in the worst possible way and she had done nothing to stop it. As much as it killed her, she needed to know what he had been through because it was the only way she could help him now. And she's sell her soul to the devil to help her son.

“How do you know he…?” Zayn asked, terrified the whole world might know what Barry had done to him.

"The two security guards that came in the hotel room first, saw what he was doing to you. The doctor... he... the police told him that you needed to be examined for evidence and to make sure that you were okay..." Her head feel and she cried softly for a moment before finishing, "The doctor said... that you... that you had some tearing. The doctor said you had been... raped..." 

Trisha couldn’t control it anymore and let her pain out in sobs. This was her child; this was the sweet little boy she had carried inside of her for nine months. It was like a knife had been stuck deep in her heart, but not deep enough to kill her.

"I'm so sorry baby that you had to go through something like that..." she told Zayn once again leaning down to place kisses on her forehead. 

"It's happened before..." Zayn said barely above a whisper. 

He wasn't sure why he said it. Maybe it was because she was here and he felt safe. Maybe it was because he knew that she would eventually find out anyway and he wanted to be the one to tell her. Either way, he had already said too much to stop.  

Her entire body stilled as every inch of color drained from her skin, "What?" She asked him, her voice sounding like she had no air behind it. 

Zayn swallowed around nothing and braced himself to continue, "This wasn't the first time Barry raped me. The first time was in my hotel room while I was recording our first album." 

There was no way to describe the anguish sound that came out of her as she let what Zayn had just told her sink in. No! No, god, no! 

"He did it over and over again. It didn't stop until I left the band..." He said his words as uncontrollable as his tears.

"Oh god, oh... NO!" She cried her legs nearly giving out. 

It was almost too much for her, about to lose control of herself when she looked at Zayn. He was shaking, his face was half swollen, his eye bandaged shut, tears just rushing down his cheeks. He had been attacked, his body ravaged and violated. She was his Mother; she needed to be strong for him. If she wasn't who would be? 

"I'm sorry Mum. I'm so sorry, to do this to you! Please forgive me," he begged. 

"Baby, why... why would you ever think you had to apologize for any of this!? This was not your fault, you did NOTHING wrong. Come here, come here!" 

Zayn slowly lifted himself off the bed, his back screaming, but he didn't care. He needed her to hold him again; he needed to feel safe in her arms. It was instant when she engulfed him and his whole body leaned into hers, letting go of everything. 

"I've got you my love, Mummy's got you." She whispered over and over, letting her son use all her strength. 

He cried until his body couldn't cry no more. And when the tears dried up, he still didn’t move from his mother's side. 

"Sweetheart?" she finally asked, still sniffling from her own tears, "Why didn’t you ever say anything? Why didn't you tell me? I would have helped you, I would have stopped him!”

Zayn had clear his throat several times before his voice would work, "He threatened me. He told me he would go after the other guys or even the girls. I was so scared and… I didn't want him to hurt anyone else. I couldn't live with myself if someone else had to go through that!”

Zayn sobbed deeply into her chest, feeling like he was literally crying out his heart. She clutched him, horrified, disgusted and angry. She had never wanted to hurt someone the way she want to hurt the man who did this to her son. But there would time for her to think about that. There would be weeks and hours and days for Trisha to think about what she could have done different or how she hadn't seen what was happening to her child. Right now, all she was going to focus on was helping Zayn.

Suddenly, he lifted his head, the pain on his face ripping her heart, “I'm so ashamed Mum... he made me do horrible, disgusting things! How can you still love me? How can you even bare to touch me?" 

"Hey, HEY!" Trisha said, pulling him away from her body and making him look at her, “I will love you no matter what! Don’t you ever, EVER think anything different! What this man did to you was disgusting and wrong and NOT your fault! Oh dear god, oh my sweet boy!" 

His head fell on her shoulder again, wanting to believe her. But not able to shut off the doubts of how anyone would ever want to touch his skin again, especially now, after he had been so damaged. 

"Dad is going to hate me. He didn’t even come..." 

It just slipped out of his mouth, and again Trisha pulled him away from her and gently cupped his face. 

"You're father most certainly did come. He's not here because Maura needed to get some rest. She has been here for almost 36 hours with Niall. Bobby had issues with getting a flight and he only arrived early today. Your Father took her back to our hotel. He loves you so so much Zayn! Why would you ever think he would hate you? He could never hate you!" 

There were so many thought swirling in his mind at the news that his father was here, but they were overshadowed by his thoughts of Niall. How did he not think about Niall till this very moment? How did he not wonder if he was okay? What kind of friend was he? 

"Is Niall okay?" He asked. 

She nodded, "He is, physically anyway. He's having a hard time dealing with everything he went through and saw you go through. They’ve had him under a psych evaluation for a few days." 

A few days? How long had it been? Zayn felt so lost all of a sudden. 

"Mum, how long was I out?" Zayn didn’t know why he hadn't asked that before, but now he was beginning to panic. 

"Almost three days. The doctors kept you sedated, to let your pain subside a little." Trisha told him gently. 

Zayn couldn't breathe. They had to sedate him for three days because of the pain?! Dear god, what had happened to him? 

"What did he do to me, Mum? How bad are my injuries?" He asked, needing to know, not caring if he couldn't handle it.

She hesitated, not wanting to tell him, thinking he couldn't handle much more. He already had so much to deal with. 

"Zayn, baby, I think you should just..." 

"No," he interrupted, “You can't keep this from me, Mum. I need to know!”

Trisha closed her eyes and tried not to start crying again. Hearing it was hard enough, but saying what had been done to her son was almost unbearable. But looking at his eyes, pleading with her to know what had happened, she knew she had to tell him. 

"You're back is really tore up. The doctor said you had to have been hit over a dozen times with the buckle side of a belt. You have welts and there are six deep gashes that needed stitches. You're cheek, baby, he hit you there too, you have a gash in your cheek and it came pretty close to your eye. You have a pretty severe abrasion on your cornea, but that should heal. If he had gotten any closer, it could have been much worse. You have some tearing… inside… it should heal in a week or so. You have three broken ribs and deep tissue bruising on you abdomen. They're keeping an eye on you for right now, because whatever he hit you with was blunt and hard and you could have an internal bleeding and not know it.” 

“It was his foot…” Zayn said quietly. 

“What?” 

“The hard blunt object was his foot. He kicked me over and over and over again because he didn't like that I tried to get away when he started touching me.” 

A few tears leaked out again and she ran her hand up and down his arm. 

“I'm so sorry sweetheart.” 

He knew she felt horrible, he knew she wanted nothing but to fix everything that happened, to take all his pain away. But he also knew she was trying to be strong and hold herself together. He loved his Mother so much more than she understood. But then again, she loved him that much too. 

“Is my face and back going to have scars?” 

“Probably,” she told him, but quickly spoke again when she saw his face grow panicked. 

“But don't worry; a plastic surgeon stitched your face. He said you shouldn't scar there. It's your back that will probably scar. The wounds are deep. But there shouldn't be any permanent damage, you should heal completely.” 

Zayn squeezed his eyes closed and thought about how his body would forever be changed now. How would anyone ever love him now? How would Liam… 

Liam, oh god Liam, how did he not think of Liam? He had found him; Liam showed up and talked him off the ledge. Liam saved him.

He dreaded the answer he might get, but he had to ask.

“Mum, have you seen Liam?” 

A soft smile spread across her face. 

“That boy is amazing! He was the one who called your Dad and me, didn't want us to get a call like that from the police. Apparently, he refused to leave until we got here, didn't want you to be alone even though the doctor refused to let any of the boys in because they weren't family.” Trisha explained. 

“You told them it was okay though, right?” Zayn asked.

He couldn't believe Liam did all that for him. Liam was really too good for this world.

“Of course, but he needed to go get some rest sweetie. He stayed here for over 24 hours and Harry told us he hadn't eaten or slept. He fought me a little but ultimately agreed. He’ll be back later. I know he wants to see you. He even told the doctor he was your boyfriend hoping to get access before we arrived. Liam cares a whole lot about you Zayn. You're so lucky to have someone like him in your life.” 

Zayn was trying to hold back any emotion from showing on his face. Zayn told the doctor he was his boyfriend? I mean… he kind of was, but… He was hoping his Mum wasn't picking up on anything. The situation between him and Liam was not a conversation he was in anyway prepared to have. Everything was very overwhelming right now.

Thoughts were creeping in now about Liam. He wasn't even sure if Liam was still going to want him after what happened. If Zayn was damaged goods before, what was he know?

“He's amazing,” was all Zayn could muster. 

Trisha nodded with a smile and brought Zayn's hands to her lips. Before either of them could say anything else, there was a tap on the door and a nurse walked in. 

“Oh Zayn, your awake. How are you feeling?” 

She walked over and took the empty bag that was dripping into his IV and replaced it with a full one. 

“I'm sore,” he told her. 

“Well, the doctor should be coming to see you later on but I'm going to give you a little something to help with the pain. It might make you a little groggy but only for an hour or so, okay sweetie?” 

Zayn nodded even though he knew he didn't have much of a choice. 

She put the needle into the IV port on his arm and the effects of the medication hit him in only a minute or two. It was like a blanket of silk washing over him as the pain felt like it was dripping out of his body. Zayn let all the tension he was holding go, leaning back and sighing contently. 

“Feels good, huh?” His Mum asked kissing his cheek. 

“Mmmhmm,” he responded letting his head fall deeper into the pillows, his eyes getting heavy. 

“You getting sleepy baby?” 

This time he nodded, but then he grabbed her arm, “Mummy don't leave me, please stay even if I fall asleep.” 

“Of course love, I'll never leave you.” She promised rubbing his head. 

“Will you lay with me?” He asked the sleepiness almost over taking him, but the urge to feel his Mother's arms was keep him hanging on to consciousness. 

“Baby, I don’t know if the bed…” 

“Please Mum?” He begged. 

After a moment she agreed, “Okay, but you have to scoot over just a little. Be very careful Zayn, your back and chest…” 

Her hands helped guide him to the far left of the bed giving her a tight space but just big enough for her to sit on the bed next him. Zayn turned slowly to her and brought his head to her chest, her arms enveloping him. Her finger tips danced gently through his hair as she hummed a lullaby she used to sing to him and his sisters when they were little. 

“I love you more than you’ll ever know, my sweet sweet boy, my Zayn. Rest now love.” She whispered into his ear, her lips leaving soft kisses on his cheek. 

“Love you,” he mumbled back as the darkness swallowed him again.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I always do, I need to say thank-you to everyone for commenting and leaving kudos and reading this story! Sorry my update came a day or two later then I was hoping. I got swamped at work and just didn't have enough time to sit and edit this chapter! Anyway, I'm excited for this Chapter and for everyone to read this Chapter! I'm about to go start editing the next chapter so I can update soon! Enjoy!!!

Zayn felt consciousness come back to him as he slowly woke out of his medication induced sleep. He laid with his eyes closed as it washed over him piece by piece. He felt for his Mother’s warmth at his side, remembering how she had let him curl into her before he drifted away, but the space was cold and empty. He sighed loudly and then felt someone on the other side of the bed squeeze his hand.

Ever so slowly he moved his head, the pain starting to creep back into his body and opened his eyes. He was shocked to see Liam, not his Mother, sitting there.

“Liam,” he said his voice scratchy.

Liam’s entire face lit up in a bright smile. But even with that, Zayn could still see how tired his eyes were, “Zayn,” he responded.

Zayn didn’t really know what to say. He had so many things he wanted to ask him, but he was just so overwhelmed by his presence that he just stared at him. Liam did the same, his eyes seemingly searching Zayn’s face for something before he dropped his head and lifted Zayn’s hand to his lips. He placed a soft kiss on the top side and let his lips linger there.

There was a soft sniffle and Liam reached up with his free hand to wipe at his nose. Zayn was shocked. Was Liam crying?

“Liam, are you alright?” he asked, trying to push himself up a little more, but the pain in his back was paralyzing.

Liam immediately looked up when he heard Zayn make a short painful gasp and reached to guide Zayn back down on the bed, still very much crying.

“Hey, don’t! You can’t move that quick, you’re going to hurt yourself.” Liam said forgetting about himself and focusing on Zayn.

Zayn ignored that and instinctively reached for Liam’s face, “Liam, you’re crying. What’s wrong?”

There was a sniffle and then a laugh as he looked down at Zayn, trying not to stare at the bandage attached to his left cheek, not wanting to get angry again.

“What, what’s so funny?” Zayn asked.

Liam shook his head and kept staring at Zayn, not able to describe even to himself how much emotion he was feeling right now. It was overwhelming.

“I just… you’re the one with serious injuries laying in a hospital bed. You’ve been subjected to so much and you’re still worried about what’s wrong with me? I… you’re just amazing…”

“I’ll always worry about what’s wrong with you Liam, no matter what’s happened to me,” Zayn told him honestly. Zayn would bring down the moon for him if Liam asked him too.

Liam’s heart swelled. If he thought he was overcome because of Zayn before, it was even more so now. Liam wanted nothing more than to kiss Zayn, but he thought better of, not sure how Zayn was going to react. So instead he just caressed his uninjured cheek. Zayn closed his eyes and pushing into his hand.

“You still didn’t tell me why you were crying,” he whispered.

Liam quickly wiped at his eyes, knowing he needed to stop the tears. He was here for Zayn not the other way around.

“I’m just happy you’re awake and you’re okay.” Liam explained.

Zayn didn’t really believe him, but Liam wanted to drop it and Zayn would give Liam anything he wanted. He still couldn’t even believe Liam was even here.

“How are you feeling?” Liam asked.

Zayn hesitated for a moment; about to answer with just an _okay_ , but it wasn't true. After everything that Liam had done, keeps doing, he owed him the truth.

“I’m not sure. I mean I feel sore. My back is on fire when I move. The left side of my face feels like the skin has been tightened and it’s going to rip apart if I talk too fast. My eye feels like there something in it. My chest hurts when I breath and my stomach feels like I did ten thousand sit ups.” he paused and thought about leaving _that_ part out, but decided against it, “And i’m sore… you know…”

Liam grabbed his hand and squeezed it, his eyes growing dark. He didn't say a word though; he just clutched his hand and let Zayn continue.

“But my head… I feel like I should be feeling more, like I should have all these issues after what just happened, but it’s just… I feel like it's hitting me piece by piece and I'm just waiting for it to happen,” Zayn confided in Liam.

“I think will come Zayn. I just think you have a lot to process… Do you want to talk about what you are feeling?” Liam asked, hitting on exactly what Zayn was thinking.

There would be lasting consequences from everything, Zayn was sure of that. His brain had only really processed parts of what was wrong. His sleep had been medically induced, cutting off his subconscious. Zayn was terrified what his dreams would be full of once he was left on his own.

“I feel broken and guilty and disgusting. I've always felt filthy and… fractured, I guess, since the first second Barry touched me, but it's so much more now. He really did a number on me this time.”

“Zayn, you’re not broken and you shouldn't feel guilty and you ARE NOT disgusting!” Liam told him, trying to make him understand that he was beautiful and wonderful. What happened to him did nothing to change that!

Zayn appreciated how much Liam tried, how much he really believed those things and wanted Zayn to believe them too. But what Liam didn't understand was it wasn't ever going to be explained away by someone telling him no, those feelings are wrong. All of these emotions were deeply rooted for Zayn. They had cut him deep and burrowed in the wound, still there beneath his scars. He wished Liam was enough to fix him, but Zayn knew he needed more.

“I can feel him on my skin, Liam,” Zayn whispered, feeling naked but not caring because it was Liam. He trusted Liam with his life, “I can feel him everywhere.”

Liam wanted to crawl into the bed and hold him close, but he knew he couldn't. So, he gripped Zayn’s hand with one of his and stoked his hair with the other.

“I'm going to help you change that, no matter what I have to do!” Liam promised.

Zayn just closed his eyes and savored the feeling of Liam's hands so close to him. There was a nagging voice in the back of his brain that was questioning why Liam would still care after he was so used, so fragmented but he pushed it away. Liam's presence silenced it. Liam was all he could ever ask for and more.

It crossed Zayn’s mind suddenly, that he didn't know what happened to Barry. God he hated how delayed everything felt in his mind. He hoped this wasn't a permanent effect of his injuries. Fear crept up his spine as he worried that Barry could be anywhere in this hospital, waiting to destroy Zayn a little more.

Liam noticed Zayn tense up, “what's wrong?”

“Is he… did they arrest him Liam?” Zayn asked.

Liam smiled softly and kept stroking his hair, “Yea, they did. They had too Zayn, after what he did… And the scene we walked in on… He needs to be in prison.” Liam explained.

Zayn breathed a sigh of relief, “that's good. He can't hurt me from prison.”

It was like Zayn was thinking out loud and it hit Liam in the gut, hard. “No he can't. It wouldn't matter though; I wouldn't let him come near you again. I'd kill him myself this time.”

“I almost killed him, ya know? If you hadn't showed up and stopped me… I would have.” Zayn confided.

“I know. I saw it in your eyes. I stopped you because I knew it wouldn't have changed anything and you would have had to live with that. But these last few days… I found myself wishing I had let you ever once in awhile.”

Zayn looked at the anguish on Liam's face and wanted to tell him not to let it hurt him like that. He hated seeing Liam in pain, but than again Liam felt the same about Zayn.

“Thank-you for stopping me, thank-you for saving me.”

Liam shook his head, “I was too late. Look what he was able to do to you. I could have prevented all that if I wouldn't have missed your call… Or I never left you in the first place.”

“Liam you had to leave me alone. You couldn't keep me locked up for the rest of my life. Barry knew what he was doing, Barry planned this and… He wanted me Liam, that's what he said. I know without a doubt that he would have tried till he got what he wanted…” Zayn explained, “Barry told me that I'm his favorite and that I’ve always belonged to him and I always would.”

Liam leaned in close, so close that Zayn could feel his breath, and cupped his face gently. “You belong to no one and you sure as HELL don't belong that piece of shit!”

They searched each other’s eyes for a moment, before Liam dropped his, “I need to tell you something.”

Zayn swallowed, terrified Liam was going to leave him, “Please don't be mad, but I had to tell them. The police talked to me and Louis and Harry and I couldn't let him get away this time. I told them he's hurt you before. I told them this wasn’t the first time he raped you.”

Liam’s admission hit hard. His secret was out, no longer private. But, he didn't blame Liam; he knew he didn't have a choice. If the tables were turned, he'd do the same.

“It's okay Liam,” Zayn said, seeing the guilt in Liam’s eyes, “you did what you had to do.”

“I didn’t mean to betray you like that… I just… you have no idea what I was feeling, what I was going through when I saw you in that hotel room, when I saw what he had done to you.”

Liam’s voice cracked and he put his head down again. He needed to be strong for Zayn, not the other way around.

“Liam, are you crying again?” Zayn asked, his heart breaking once more.

Liam sniffled and then looked up, his cheeks suddenly streaked with tears, “I really thought I might lose you Zayn! When I saw them take you away on that stretcher and you had passed out, I really thought you might die. I didn’t know how I was going to survive if you had! God, even now... I can’t think about it!!”

He closed his eyes and a visible shuttered went through him. Zayn tried to reach for him, but his injuries were too severe for him to move quickly enough before Liam talked again.

“Then they wouldn’t let me or anyone in to see you till your parents got here. Do you have any idea how long that took? Almost an entire day! I felt like it was lifetimes. I refused to leave; I couldn’t bare you being here alone. I… I honestly don’t think I could have handled it if you weren’t okay. If you had… I would have died too Zayn…”

More tears trickled down Liam’s cheeks as he tried to hide his face.

Zayn moved quick enough this time, pushing through the pain, to stroke Liam’s face, comforting him this time. His heart was swelling and breaking all at once.

“Hey, it’s okay I’m okay.”

“But that’s just it. You’re not okay Zayn! I saw what you looked like when we went into that hotel room. I saw just how bad your injuries were. I heard what the doctor said he did to you… what Niall said happened. This is going to stick with you… and I’m so scared! I’m so scared you’re going to shut me out again. I can’t… I won’t be able to handle that. I want you to let me help you, let me be that person you lean on through all of this!”

Liam’s tears were flowing harder now as Zayn listened and watched, never having felt such intense emotions for someone. He was right, things were going to get bad, and Zayn knew that. His parents knew his secrets now. The police knew his secrets now. There was no running from it anymore. Zayn didn’t know how he was going to be tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. But watching Liam fall apart like this, he was sure that he would do everything he could to fight his way through it.

“I’m going to try my hardest to not do any of that, I promise. And of course I’ll let you help me. Please stop crying, it’s breaking my heart,” Zayn said slowly.

Liam just buried his face in his hands letting out sob after sob. Zayn was shocked, he had never seen Liam get like this. He had never seen Liam so emotional. He reached for Liam, ignoring the screaming in his back and the ache in his chest. Getting to Liam is more important than any of that.

Zayn grabbed both Liam’s hands away from his face and held them just tight enough, “Hey, it’s okay.” he tried to calm him but Liam kept on crying.

“I’m such an asshole, crying like this to you. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I should be holding you and comforting you. I just… I… god Zayn…”

“What is it Liam, just tell me?” Zayn said still squeezing Liam's hands.

“I just… I just can't live without you. I love you Zayn.” Liam said bringing his head up to meet Zayn's eyes.

Zayn was utterly speechless. Did Liam just say what he thought he did? He was thrilled, ecstatic but what if he heard wrong? What if it wasn’t a declaration of his feelings, what if it…

“Zayn, I'm in love with you… And I can't lose you. I'll do anything, ANYTHING to help you, if you’ll let me!” Liam confirmed, interrupting Zayn's thoughts.

“Liam…” Zayn started.

“Zayn you don't have to say it back to me. I just needed you to know how I feel!”

“Liam, I have been in love with you for a very long time.” Zayn told him softly, “I love you too.”

Liam didn’t care anymore and leaned forward and gently kissed Zayn, sealing the words that were just exchanged between the two of them. Neither of them cared who saw, or how awkward it was to be kissing in a hospital room. All they cared about was each other and the emotions between them.

When Liam pulled away, he rested his forehead against Zayn’s and looked so deep in the eyes, Zayn could see his soul, “I love you, so much, no matter what. We will make it through this together.”

Zayn’s arms wrapped around Liam’s neck and he brought him close whispering, ‘I love you,’ back into his ear. He was going to fight, they both were. But right now, they were going to let the beauty and the tragedy of it all overtake them.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thank-you everyone for your comments and kudos and interest!!! I have a few things I just want to give everyone an insight on. A friend of mine asked me if this was nearing the end and it's not. There are still somethings that desperately need to be tied up and a few curve balls to come. Also, Liam and Zayn need to be explored. No one has asked me on here but I realized that if a friend was asking maybe other people were wondering as well. Anyway I'll shut up now lol Here is the next update! Hope everyone enjoys and I will update ASAP! Thanks again everyone! Enjoy!!!

"Sweetheart," a soft voice fluttered through the darkness.

"Sweetheart," his mother repeated, but this time a little more forceful.

He opened his eyes and saw her loving face looking down at him as she stroked his hair. Her eyes shifted just momentarily to the left side of Zayn's body, but enough for him to notice.

It was then that he felt a hand clinging to his own and he turned his head. Liam was laying forward, his head and chest lying on his bed, sleeping deeply. They're hands were still laced together.

His face got hot and he quickly looked back at his mother panicked. All she did was smile back and wink before kissing his forehead.

"I'm sorry to wake you baby, but the nurse is going to need to give you medicine in a little bit. I think you should eat something, okay?"

"Yea, okay," he nodded, not hungry but knowing what happened the last time he took some of that medicine on an empty stomach.

"How are you feeling?"

 "Sore," he told her honestly, his chest and back aching.

Her eyes flashed pain and once again she brought her lips to his forehead only this time she rested them there longer.

"You're going to get better, I promise!" she whispered.

He just closed his eyes and let her love wash over him. After a few long seconds she pulled back and smiled down at him, caressing his uninjured cheek.

"I'm so happy you have someone like Liam who cares this much about you. It's very sweet," Trisha said un-provoked catching Zayn completely off guard, her eyes looking over at their hands that were still together.

Zayn pulled his hand away instantly, but right away wished he hadn’t. He had no idea how to respond to his Mother because he had no idea what exactly she was insinuating. Did she know something was going on between them or was did she just mean as friends? His mouth opened to respond, not quite sure actually what he was going to say, but she cut him off.

“I’ve got a surprise for you,” she said with a smile, completely changing the subject.

Zayn was more than happy to let her. He eyed her with a smile. He saw the excitement in her eyes and it made him happy. There hadn’t been much to make them happy lately.

“Come on in Louis,” she yelled, “You have a visitor.”

Louis stuck his head in the room a playful grin on his face. Zayn was excited to see Louis, but this wasn’t the first time he’d seen him since he’d woken up in the hospital. He was a little confused why this was his surprise.

“Don’t tell the Doctor, but I had him get you something better than this gross hospital food.”

Louis finally walked completely in the room carrying a McDonald’s bag. Zayn couldn’t help the big smile that spread across his face. Suddenly, he was hungry.

“McDonald’s?! Thanks Mum!” he said happily.

“You deserve it!” she said kissing his head, “I told him to get something for Liam too for when he wakes up.”

“You’re the best,” Zayn told her reaching for her hand.

Trisha took his hand and squeezed it tightly, “You deserve it baby. I’m going to let you boys have a little privacy and go call your father. I’ll be right outside if you need me.”

She walked towards the door and put a gentle hand on Louis’s shoulder, thanking him again.

As soon as she was gone Louis came over and handed him the bag, “What the hell is this? You’re in the hospital bed mate and this jerk is just sleeping like he owns the place,” his hands gesturing to Liam, making a joke.

Liam suddenly turned his head to the right and spoke, “I’m not asleep. I woke up as soon as I smelled you walk in the room.”

Louis let out a fake laugh, “Oh, you are just so funny Liam.”

Liam finally looked up and watched Zayn eating his food, “Can I have mine?” Liam asked.

Zayn laughed, “You heard?”

Liam laughed back, “Yeah.”

They joked around, talking about things that had no importance at all and for the first time since Zayn had opened his eyes in this god forsaken place, he felt a little normal. It was nice. Zayn wished everything could be like this.

Then a small knock came from the door and all three boys looked towards it. Louis quickly hopped off the chair that he was sitting in. He ran to the door and opened it, as Harry stuck his head in.

“Hey Zayn!” he said.

“Harry!” Zayn said happily.

“Guess what?” Harry said, still hanging by the door.

“What?”

“You have a special visitor,” he said as he walked further into the room.

As he came further and further into the room, Zayn saw that he was gripping a wheelchair and Niall was seated in it. Zayn was so happy to see Niall.

They hadn’t seen each other since _that_ night and even though everyone had told him a thousand times over that Niall was okay, it wasn’t till right now that he was sure that was the truth. Niall looked good; he didn’t seem to have any injuries on him, except for the fading bruises on his neck. But the problem was he could see in Niall’s eyes that something wasn’t right. Niall’s eyes were dark and clouded not bright and shining like usual.

“Niall wanted to come see you!” Harry said with a bright smile, acting like everything was normal and he couldn’t feel the sudden tension that had begun to fill the room.

“I’m so happy you did. I would have came to see you if they would let me out of this bed,” Zayn said with a laugh, trying to make light of the awkwardness that was growing stronger.

“We’ve had this conversation Zayn. You can really hurt yourself so you’re staying put,” Liam chimed in.

Zayn looked at him and had this unwavering desire to pull him close. There was so much seriousness in his tone that Zayn couldn’t help but feel warm and loved. He stopped himself though, not wanting to show such an intimate moment in front of the guys.

“How are you feeling?” Harry asked.

Zayn took a deep breath and answered, “Better,” not wanting to answer that question again. But he knew Harry meant well and was just being a good friend, so he answered it anyway.

 After a few minutes of small talk that Zayn noticed Niall said nothing during, Niall finally spoke, “Hey guys?” he asked, his voice scratchy, “Can I talk to Zayn alone?”

Everyone looked at Niall and didn’t say anything, shocked by his request. Zayn on the other hand, felt his anxiety growing, terrified by what Niall might say to him. Maybe Niall hated him for making him go through all of this? They could have been safe if Zayn had just kept his mouth shut from the beginning.

Liam instantly leaned forward and clutched Zayn’s arm protectively. It wasn’t because he thought Niall would do anything to hurt him, but Zayn was vulnerable and Liam just wasn’t sure he was ready to have the type of conversation he knew Zayn and Niall had the possibility of having.

“It’s fine Liam, really,” he said softly.

Liam sighed but got up out of the chair and walked away from the bed. He approached Niall and placed a loving hand on his shoulder. Liam had been to visit and check on Niall several times since they were given access. And Harry had told him and Louis about everything, so he was well aware of what Niall had been through.

“How are you doing?” he asked Niall.

“I’m getting better, thanks for asking Liam.” Niall responded gripping Liam’s hand for a short moment.

When Liam reached the door, Louis and Harry turned and followed. And just like that they were alone.

It was silent for what felt like forever, or at least it felt that way to Zayn, as he watched Niall. Niall had looked down at his hands; as he kept wring them, a clear sign that he was nervous. Zayn had absolutely no idea what Niall wanted to say to him and he was terrified to find out.

“I’m sorry Zayn, I am so so sorry!” Niall finally said, his eyes still focused on his lap.

Zayn was stunned, caught completely off guard. He wasn’t expecting that.

“What? What could you possibly be sorry for?” he asked.

That was when Niall finally looked up and his eyes were filled with tears, “All of this happened because of me! You are lying in that hospital bed because of me!”

“Niall, no, this isn’t your fault!” Zayn responded.

It was hard enough to deal with what happened, but seeing Niall like this was making it that much worse.

 “No Zayn, it is! I lied to get you to my hotel. I used what happened to you as a way to play on your emotions. I could have told Barry no… and just dealt with the consequences…”

“Like him going after Theo?” Zayn asked.

Niall looked at him with confusion across his face, “Yea I know he threatened him Niall. He said it, I heard him. I could never blame you for making that choice. He’s threatened my sisters before, ya know…and I… I would have done just anything to keep them safe!” Zayn confided.

Zayn tried not to think about the times Barry had threatened them and the things he had been forced to do to protect them. It was always so much worse at those times. No matter how bad those times got though, he’d never regret what he did for them.

Niall lowered his head again and began to sniffle, “I can’t… Zayn what he did to you was horrific... and I just… god, I’m so sorry!”

Zayn’s mind started to replay the events of that night and it took almost all of his mental strength to not fall into those memories. His whole body could still feel Barry’s presence around him. It made his skin itch. He focused desperately on the here and now as he pulled himself away from all that pain.

“I’m sorry you had to see all that…” was all Zayn could think of to say.

“I should have just let him have sex with me when he tried that day in the studio. Maybe he would have left it all alone if I just let him do what he wanted.”

It was enough to fill Zayn with rage, “No!” he yelled, “You didn’t deserve that! Harry didn’t deserve what he was planning when they were meeting up in New York…”

“And you didn’t deserve what he put you through Zayn, not the other night and not all those years.” Niall said finishing Zayn’s sentence.

Zayn stopped and looked at Niall crying. He looked small and broken and he could only imagine the pain he was feeling. He could only imagine the damage that all of this had caused. He knew better than anyone what something like this could do to a person.

“Come over here Niall,” he said wanting to be close to his friend, the two of them now bonded through mutual tragedy. They had experienced a trauma together that no one else could ever truly understand.

Niall sniffled, wiping his face with his sleeve before wheeling himself over to Zayn’s bedside.

“I don’t need this, ya know? My Mum and the doctor just refused to let me leave my room and come here if I didn’t promise to stay in the god forsaken thing!” he said trying to laugh.

Niall was just trying to change the subject. Suddenly aware of how truthful and raw these emotions were. But Zayn wasn’t about to allow that.

“How bad did he hurt you?” he asked.

“Not as bad as you…”

“I don’t care about that. I want to know what he did to you,” Zayn told him gently reaching for Niall’s hand.

Niall gripped it and Zayn could feel him shaking, “Before you got there… he forced his way in and he… he choked me. I thought he was actually going to kill me, but then he stopped. I told him just to do whatever he wanted to me because… because I knew he was going to take it anyway. And it was then that he showed me pictures of Theo. He made me choice between you and him.”

Niall was gripping Zayn’s hand hard, tears coming down steadily now. His words were leaving little indents in Zayn’s heart. He wished his friend never had to experience this.

“After I called you, he made me strip and he… he touched me… through my underwear… but kept telling himself he had to wait, that it wasn’t time. I knew he planned on doing something in front of you. I prayed you wouldn’t come or bring Liam or I don’t know… But then you showed up and… well you know what happened…”

Zayn could see the shame Niall had draped over him. He knew what that shame felt like all too well.

“Did you talk to someone about what he tried to do to you?” Zayn asked.

“You mean when he… “ Niall voice stopped working as he remembered the feeling of Barry exposed in front of him, “on my face?” he barely squeaked out.

“Yea, did you tell your Mum… the doctor?”

Zayn was concerned; he was just beginning to understand what staying silent about a sexual assault can do to your mind. He didn’t want Niall to fall apart because he was too embarrassed or ashamed to talk to someone about it.

Niall took a deep breath trying to control his tears, “I told my Mum everything… and she had me talk to the police. I told them what happened… please don’t be mad!?”

“Niall, I’m not mad,” he tried saying but Niall was barely listeneing.

“You don’t understand Zayn… he can’t ever get out of jail, EVER! I can’t live if I know he’s walking around free to come after me or you or Harry or Louis or Liam. So I told the police everything, because I can’t ever go through this again…”

Niall leaned forward and sobbed a little into his hands, before seemingly finding some composure and pulling himself together, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Zayn told him and meant it.

Zayn knew the police were involved as soon as he woke up to his Mother next to him in the hospital. Things had gone too far this time, Barry had lost it. He was relieved actually that all of this might be over. He might be able to actually move on. And he didn’t blame Niall or Liam or Harry or Louis for telling the police what had happened. He would have done the same thing if the tables were turned.

But, there was still that part of him that was terrified. Barry had drilled it in his head time after time, that no one would believe him. That he had connections in every place Zayn could imagine and nothing but more pain would come from him telling what was going on when he and Zayn were alone. He was still scared the police wouldn’t listen to what he had to say and Barry would come for him one more time.

“I’m not mad Niall. I could never be mad. I think it’s good that you told them,” Zayn confided, “He broke me this time. He hurt me worse than I ever imagined he would and… and I can’t ever go through something like that again either. I…”

And Zayn stopped talking not able to finish, all of it too overwhelming to put into words. Niall just leaned forward and reached out for Zayn. Zayn moved as slow and painless as he could towards Niall, both boys needing to embrace one another. They eventually found each other and hugged tightly.

“We have each other no matter what.” Zayn told him, needing his friendship as much as knew Niall needed his.

Niall just nodded. He was thankful for Zayn and was thankful to have someone to talk to. But deep down Niall knew he still had miles to go before he fixed all the damage Barry had caused.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thanks so much for commenting and liking and reading! I'm sorry this update took a little longer then I would have liked. When I went to edit this chapter, I realized how much I hated the way it turned out, so i decided to rewrite it lol I'm much happier with this version! Anyway, this Chapter does contain some memories and dialogue about everything that happened, so I am putting a TRIGGER WARNING for RAPE and SEXUAL ASSAULT here. The next Chapter I liked so I will not be rewriting it, just some edits! So hopefully my update can come early! Enjoy and thanks again everyone!!!

Zayn sat alone in his hospital room. It was almost two o’clock in the morning and everything was quiet. This was the first night Zayn was truly alone. His parents had been staying with him but he was adamant that they needed to get a real night's rest. Now as he laid here, he wished he hadn’t sent them away.

He had tried turning on the TV several times, but there was nothing that was catching his attention. So now he laid there in the dim light, his eyes focusing up at the same spot on ceiling he kept going back to, his mind playing over everything that had gone on today.

He and Liam had spent the entire morning together, except for when the doctor needed to see him. But then his Dad had come in and informed them that the detectives needed to finally have their interview with Zayn. Both of his parents hadn’t thought he was ready, but the detectives needed to get his statement. They could only keep Barry locked up for so long without it.

His Dad had assured him that they would stay right by his side, his Dad, his Mum and even Liam. But the police quickly disbanded that and asked Liam to leave the room. He was a witness; he had given a statement himself and was present for some of the recent incidents with Barry. They couldn’t let him stay in the room and use him as a witness at trial, if it came to that.

It hurt Zayn to let go of Liam’s. But he knew he had no choice in the matter. The detectives were adamant and Zayn knew that Liam would never do anything to jeopardize what was best for him, even if it hurt.

The detectives wasted no time and jumped right into questions. They wanted to know what Zayn remembered about _that night_. Zayn was quick to tell them he remembered everything, but the detectives told him that they needed him to tell them exactly what happened, step by step, moment by horrifying moment.

 

_“Do you remember how it started?” they had asked._       

_“I was on the phone with my Mum when Niall called. He asked me to come to his hotel room. He said he needed to talk. He was having trouble dealing with what Barry tried to do to him a few weeks ago.” Zayn had told them, trying to keep his composure._

_“And about what time was this?”_

_“5:30 maybe.”_

_“And what exactly was Niall having trouble dealing with?” the detective asked._

_“A few weeks ago, he got Niall alone in the studio and attacked him. Niall showed up and none of the other guys were there. Barry had lured him there, but he figured it out and called Liam. If we hadn’t showed up when we did, he would have… he would have raped Niall.”_

 

They wanted to know how Zayn could be so sure about something like that. And even though Zayn knew both his parents and the detectives already knew the extent of what Barry had done, it was still one of the hardest moments of this whole ordeal. The heaviness of it all made him stop and start his words several times, but he still wasn’t able to get them out.

It wasn’t until his Mother leaned over and kissed his cheek right next to bandaged.

 

_“I know it’s hard baby, but you have to tell them. Tell them what he did to you, so they can lock him up,” she whispered gripping his hand._

 

And he did. He told them that he knew because Barry had told him all his fantasies about Niall, that Barry had told him those things while he was doing things to Zayn, that he had been doing those things since they started making the first album.

His Dad lost it at that point, seething with anger.

 

_“Please tell me that sick bastard is NEVER getting out of jail!” he had demanded of the detectives._

 

They had talked, Zayn and his Dad. They had their time alone and Zayn felt better about their relationship. Although now, it occurred to him that the only reason their relationship felt the way it did was because Zayn had pulled away. Zayn had assumed there would disappointment and hate because of what happened, because that’s what he felt towards himself. His Dad had never done anything but love him. It felt nice to have his Dad here, protecting him.

The police had tried to calm the situation. Although, Zayn could still sense the tension in his Dad and knew the words hadn’t calmed him at all.

 

_“We’re working on that I promise! We're on Zayn's side here but we need to get his whole story. You have my word Mr. Malik, all of you do, that were going to get this guy!”_

 

They told him then that they needed the details. Just telling them that it had occurred over a nearly five year period wasn’t enough. If they wanted to build a strong case against Barry, they needed Zayn to tell them everything.

He wanted to crawl under the bed and hide till everything disappeared. Having to talk about what was done to him in such detail, in front of his parents, in front of strangers, was like getting assaulted all over again. But Zayn knew what had to be done. He knew he would never get closure if Barry was walking around free, no punishment for the horrors he had put him through. So he pushed all the shame down and started to tell his story.

It was hard to talk about any of it, but the first time was always the hardest. Everything always went back to that first time for Zayn. There were hundreds of attacks after that night, but that first time… it ripped open a part of him unlike the others. Like they say, ‘The first cut is the deepest.’ The first time changed Zayn the most.

Zayn couldn’t get the words out really, but he knew everyone knew what he was getting at. When you say, _he forced me down on the bed,_ or, _he pulled my clothes off,_ it should get the point across, but the detectives needed to hear it from Zayn’s mouth. HIs mother must have sensed his hesitation and tried.

 

_“Does he have to say it?” she asked._

 

But they were insistent, so Zayn bit down and said it.

 

_“He raped me.”_

 

It was still so hard to say, no matter how many times he had said it recently. That word was so powerful but meaningless all at the same time. How could four letters squeezed together to make a series of noises really explain what rape was? What Barry had done was barbaric. He hadn’t just used his body as a weapon to inflict pain on Zayn; he used Zayn’s own body against him. Leaving not just scars you could see, but ones you couldn’t.

 

_“And what happened after the attack?” They asked._

_“I just laid there. I was… it was hard to process what had just happened…”_

_“Did you go to a doctor or say anything to anyone?”_

_“No…he told me if I said anything to anyone he’d hurt one of the other boys.”_

_“Were you injured?” the detective questioned._

 

Zayn remembers the pain he felt, even now. It lasted for days. He was barely able to walk, he cried in agony when he went to the bathroom and the bruises on his hips were tender for over a week.

 

_“Yea… I had bruises and bite marks… and I… bleed for a few days…”_

 

His Mum had lost it then, no longer able to hold any of it in. She let out a wail and buried her face in her hands. His Dad’s face was twisted and red, rage very apparent in his eyes. Even now, Zayn felt guilty for being the cause of all that. It wasn’t fair to them.

It took all the strength in his body to hold it together. He didn’t want to break down in front of the detectives, in front his parents. He wanted to show them he was strong, that he was brave. They didn’t need to see the shame he was trying to hide.

 

_“When did it happen again?” The detectives asked, giving him no time to recover._

_“Five days later.”_

 

He went on to tell about the years of abuse he was subjected to, not sparing too many details. The police needed it to help make their case. Zayn told them he would do it every five to ten days when they were making albums, than they would be done recording and it would stop. Then Barry would show up on tour and the cycle would start again. He told them how the longer it went on the more violent Barry had become. He told them about the broken bones, and the choking, and the belts. He told them about Barry’s undying need to hear him beg and scream, to see his tears. He told them how the assaults were so brutal, he’d sometimes pass out.

When Zayn was done, when Zayn had told them everything the room fell completely quiet. Even now, as Zayn lay in this lonely hospital bed in the middle of the night, the room then was still quieter.

Then all of a sudden, his Mum’s sobs started again as she gripped him and pulled his close. No matter how hard he was trying, a few tears escaped him and dripped down his cheeks. Zayn realized now, thinking back on everything, that telling his story would never get easy. His eyes caught with his Dad’s and he could see tears in them. That killed him, seeing his dad about to crack.

Zayn asked the detective if that was enough, if they had what they needed.

 

_“We know this has to be a lot on you and you’re doing a great job, but we need to know exactly what happened in that hotel room. It is so important that we know everything about that night, okay?”_

 

Zayn’s fell onto his Mother’s chest, emotional exhaustion nearly overtaking him. He couldn’t talk about it anymore. Every detail he just shared was like he had to relive it all over again. Zayn remembers catching eyes with his Dad and silently pleading for him to make it stop. It was all just too much as he clung to his Mum.

 

_“You have the medical reports and the eyewitness reports, including Niall’s, isn’t that enough?” Yaser asked._

_“No, we need to hear Zayn’s actually recollection of the events, without it… the case is much weaker.”_

_“Please,” his Dad had pleaded, “I don’t think he can handle much more.”_

_“Mr. Malik, we understand, we really do, but Barry Anderson is sitting in a county lockup just waiting for us to not have enough evidence or a corroborating statement from a victim to hold him. Niall’s statements aren’t enough by themselves. We need Zayn’s.” the detective explained back._

_His Mother tensed up, “I don’t like what you’re doing. You are manipulating our feelings to get what you need. You’re playing on our need for justice. He’s been through more than most of us could imagine and I’ll be damned, case or not, if you’re going to play on his fears of that man ever setting foot out prison, just to get your statement! He’ll finish his story but then we’re done. He needs to res, he’s_ _been through enough!”_

 

Zayn remembers looking back up to the ceiling at the same spot he was staring at now. He was trying to block everything out as his tears were once again flowing freely. He longed for a day when he didn’t cry at least once. His parents were on edge, he remembered the how tense they both were and how the police were trying to calm everything down. It wasn’t working.

               

_“I get your angry, I really do,” the detective had said, “I have two children myself and I can’t imagine what I would do if someone did something like this to one of them. But I need you to understand, we are not trying to torture Zayn. I need him to tell us his story because the only way I can guarantee that bastard stays where he belongs is to know as much as I can about everything that happened.”_

The response did nothing but rile his Dad more.

_“Please don’t! We all know we want the same thing, but you’re not listening to us. He’s had enough! He’s just sat here for almost an hour and told you how this man abused and tortured him for years… YEARS!!! You better hope that you can keep him locked up because I can promise you detectives that if that man ever, EVER sets one foot of jail and I’m still breathing I will kill him as slowly and painfully as he hurt my son!”_

_“We’re just going to pretend we didn’t hear that…”_

_“No you’re no! You can write that in your notes. I can email it to you if you’d like. Hell, I’ll get it tattooed on my skin if need be. I said it and I mean. I will kill him if he ever walks this earth a free man again.”_

 

Zayn was listening to what both his parents and the detectives had been saying. He knew the detectives weren’t trying to manipulate him, at least not the way his parents felt they were. His parents were just trying to do everything in the power now to protect him. That was obvious now with his Father’s declaration.

It was twisted in a way but knowing his Father loved him that much, willing to sacrifice his own life, made Zayn feel like he had the strength to finish this. Barry was dangerous and powerful and without a doubt going to get off unless Zayn did something. He took a deep breath and thought about Liam and his parents and how strong they both made him feel and he knew he could do this.

He told the detectives about leaving the band and coming back after the incident in New York. He told them how he told the guys and how they were being forced to still work with Barry, even after they went to the label and management. The detectives wanted details about those encounters.

_“If they knew what he was doing, they just as responsible for this.” they told him._

 

Zayn knew that. He was aware of the fact that if they had knowledge of what Barry was capable of, they were just as guilty as he was. But he didn’t like thinking about that. He didn’t like think that people had stuck their heads in the sand when it came to what Barry had been doing. It made him feel even more dehumanized. But he told the detectives anyway. He told them whatever they wanted to know.

He was doing okay, he really was. Even as he told them about showing up at the hotel and Barry answering the door with Niall bound and gagged behind him, he was okay. He told them how Barry began touching him and how Zayn had fought back, how Barry didn’t like that. And after a few back and forths Zayn ended up on the floor, blow after blow coming from Barry’s kicks. He told how Niall tried to stop it and how he somehow regaining enough strength to get off the floor and get him away from Niall. He told them what set Barry off, when he came undone and hit Zayn in the face with the belt. There was that phone call and the decision that Zayn made as soon as Niall screamed, as soon as Niall had inexplicably saved them, to put the anger back on him. Because Zayn knew deep down if he hadn’t, Barry would have raped Niall right there in front of him. And Zayn couldn’t live with himself, no matter how embarrassed and ashamed he was, if it had been Niall.

He kept himself together, just getting through it until he got to that part. It was liked he was being sucked through a tube and brought back to that room at that moment when he started talking about the belt on his back. He remembers the agony of each hit, wondering if this was how he was really going to die. Would the universe really be so cruel as to let this last moments be with Barry, the man that had already taken so much of him? His voice grew tight and he felt his whole body stiffened as he relieved blow after blow.

 

_“I… I can’t remember how many times he hit me… I… I just kind of blanked out after a point. The pain was too much. But… ummm…” Zayn had said, his body shaking so bad he could hear it in his voice._

 

Even now as he lay here all alone in the bed, the memories were so vivid he could feel them.

_“He… my pants… he… ummm… he pulled them down and… he pulled… the edge of the bed and then he…”_

 

Zayn could still feel the sobs that had built in his chest as the brutality of it all hit him again. He had to bite his lip hard to keep them in. He remembers the taste of blood in his mouth.

His Mother tried to tell him he didn’t have to say it. They knew what he was trying to say. But Zayn had known he had too.

 

_“He forced himself… he raped me.”_

 

It had washed over him hard, all the pain he was in. He hasn't had time to really process it all. He was laid up in a hospital bed with people around him constantly. Yes, he had talked about what Barry had done, what violations he had experienced but not in any way like this. Now it was all being thrown on him all at once and he didn't know if he could handle it.

Zayn forced his way through the rest of the story. He told them how someone had come in and how all Zayn could think about was wrapping that belt around Barry’s neck. How he wanted to make sure he could never hurt him again, and at that moment death was the only way to make sure of that.

 

_“What made you stop?” the detectives asked, knowing Zayn was reaching his breaking point._

_“Liam… I heard his voice…”_

 

As he lay here now, thinking about what had transpired this afternoon, he felt the bit of calm

that had come over him at just the mention of Liam’s name. Why did they have to make him leave? It would have been so much easier if they had just let him stay.

He remembers collapsing back into the pillow, finally letting those sobs out that he had trapped in his chest. He just couldn’t anymore.

 

_“We’re done!” his Dad said with a finality making it clear that it was not up for discussion, “I think you need to leave. Zayn needs to rest.”_

 

The detectives didn’t push back this time. They thanked Zayn for being _strong_ and giving them the information they needed. They promised that they were going to do everything in their power to make sure Barry was locked away and forgotten about. If they needed anything else or had any updates about the case they would be in touch. And then they left.

It wasn’t easy after they left. His mother was nearly doubled over in tears, his Dad was ready to kill someone. Zayn had never felt this guilty in his life. If only he could have sucked it up and dealt with it silently then this wouldn’t have happened. None of this would have ever happened.

He told them how sorry he was. He told them he wished he could make everything better. He had never seen such horror on their faces.

 

_“I never want to hear that again, ever! You are not at fault in this. We are sorry we didn’t do our best to protect you. We love you so much, so much!” his Dad had said embracing him._

 

He let his Dad hold him as his Mum stroked his hand. He wished they had never heard any of it. It just wasn’t fair for them to have to live with those things now. But there was nothing Zayn could do. You can’t change the past.

As he was still lost in thought, wrapped up in the memories of today and they last five years, his phone dinged on the nightstand beside him, bringing his mind back to the dark empty room. He grabbed it and saw that it was a text message from Liam. _“Hey, I’m sure you're sleeping, but I just wanted you to know I miss you.”_

Zayn’s heart swelled and a smile spread across his face, it was like Liam knew that he wasn’t okay, _“I’m awake can I call you?”_ he wrote back.

Not even ten seconds later, his phone began to ring, Liam’s name dancing across the screen.

“Hey,” Zayn said answering it.

“Hey,” Liam said back, his voice a loud whisper, “What are you doing awake? You need your rest.”

“I couldn’t sleep, besides, what are you doing awake?” Zayn asked back with a laugh.

“Well, if I’m being completely honest, this bed is cold and lonely without you. I haven’t been sleeping well since I’ve had to sleep alone.”

Zayn closed his eyes and imagined Liam around him, holding him, “Soon,” he said, wishing it was now.

“Not soon enough,” Liam said back.

They both fell silent, until Liam spoke up again, “Do you feel any better than you did what I left?

Is that why you can’t sleep?”

Liam had come back in the room a little while after the detectives left and he could see the mental exhaustion on Zayn’s face. He was frazzled and shaken up. Liam wished he had been there to know exactly what happened instead of getting a second hand version, so he knew exactly how to help. Even Zayn’s parents seemed on edge the rest of the day.

“My mind keeps going over all of it,” he confided, “It was there before but I wasn’t always thinking about it. Now it’s the only thing I can think about. I can feel him touching my skin. I can smell him all around me… I really wish you were here Liam. It’s always easier when you’re here.”

Liam took a deep breath pushing down the ache Zayn’s words created, “I know babe, so do I. But how about this, let’s talk about something else, anything else we can think of to keep your mind off of it?”

“But it’s late Liam… I don’t want to keep you up.”

“There is nothing else I’d rather be doing. Besides, maybe it will help you fall asleep.” Liam told him.

“Will you stay on the phone with me till I fall asleep?” Zayn asked, hating how pathetic he sounded to his own ears.

“Absolutely!” Liam promised.

“I love you Liam.”

“I love you too Zayn. Now, tell me again how you can possibly think Deadpool is the best Marvel character?”

And Zayn started talking, his mind finally pushing away his memories, even if it was only temporarily.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you so so so much for the comments and kudos and interest! It just keeps me so motivated to work on this!!! Sorry I wasn't able to update sooner. Life got a little crazy over the week-end and I had no time! But I am hoping the next update might come in the next few days. I have already started working on editing the Chapter so I have my fingers crossed!!! Anyway, here is the next chapter, I really hope you enjoy it! :)

Niall had been staring at himself in the mirror for a while now and he just couldn’t tear his eyes away. Except for the fading marks on his wrists and neck, nothing looked all that different. But Niall felt different; he felt like his reflection was that of a stranger.

They discharged him from the hospital this morning. Niall was so relieved to just be out of that cold, depressing place until his parents told him they were going to a hotel. They weren’t allowed to travel back to London until the police said it was okay. He protested instantly telling them that there was no way he could set foot in a hotel room. It was bad enough that he was still trapped inside one in his head.

His Dad had pushed back just a little, telling Niall that it wasn’t going to be the same hotel. The feel, the environment would be completely different, but Maura out right refused. She saw the trouble brewing behind Niall’s eyes and if he said he couldn’t bare to be in a hotel room then she wasn’t about to make him be in one.

Niall felt bad as she scrambled looking for somewhere, anywhere to go but then Harry and Louis stepped up offering their place for the night. They had no problem getting a hotel or staying with a friend for as long as he needed. Niall thanked them, but didn’t want to put anyone out any longer then he had too. He would figure something out. Harry however, said he could make some calls and get them a pay by the week rental.

“It might be a little pricey,” Harry had told him.

Niall just nodded and solemnly answered, “I don’t care. I’ll pay whatever I have to.”

So now he stood in their bathroom, looking at the foreign reflection staring back at him. And he stood there for a long time, just looking, just trying to figure out what he could do to make him recognize himself again. Or maybe, it occurred to him, that person was gone and he would have to learn to live with this new one.

The conversation he and Zayn had a few days ago helped Niall’s state of mind. He felt relieved, like the guilt that had been sitting on his chest had been lifted. But every minute that he got further away from the conversation, that heaviness was settling back in. The guilt had come back tenfold. There were so many consequences because of that night. His parents, Zayn’s parents, Harry and Louis and Liam, their lives were uprooted because of what happened. And no matter how many times someone told him, Niall knew it was all because he made that phone call.

Niall brought his fingertips up and traced the yellowish black and blues on his neck, feeling for any difference. It was strange, the skin didn’t feel different than it did on the rest of his body, but he felt like it should. He felt like he should have a permanent visible reminder of what exactly he had done.

After what seemed like forever, he tore his eyes away and walked out of the bathroom.

He heard their voice instantly, traveling up the stairs and into his ears.

“You have no idea the condition he was in when I got there, Bobby! You have no idea how hard that was for me to see him like that!” He heard his mother yell.

“No I don't Maura because you didn't even call me! You didn’t even attempt to give me ANY update on him!!! He's MY son too and I was sitting in an airport trying to get out of the country as quick as I could and you couldn't even give me the decency of a text message!” His father yelled back.

Niall froze, the screaming bringing him back to when he was a small child and his parents would fight like this before their divorce. Now their screaming wasn't because of love loss, they were screaming because of Niall, because of something Niall could have prevented. He didn't want to listen but he couldn't stop.

“Don't you do that! I was stressed and overwhelmed! I was trying to deal with what happened to him and making sure he was okay!”

“Do you not hear yourself?! He is my SON and I was sitting in an airport not knowing anything, I knew NOTHING about his condition. I was… those hours felt like days for me! All you had to do was call and give me something, anything!”

Niall heard the pleading in his Dad's voice and it hurt him. His Dad was always so strong, always the one that held it together when everyone else couldn't. Now his Dad was breaking too and it was all because of him.

“I’m sorry Bobby, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear from me?” her voice growing quieter.

Niall heard his Dad grunt and it shook him out of his daze. All he wanted was to lock himself away. So he started down the stairs as his Dad started talking again.

“No Maura, I want an explanation! You had Harry call Greg, why couldn't you have had him call me?” Bobby asked as Niall landed at the bottom of the stairs.

“You have got to be kidding me?!” His mother screamed, “I said I was sorry! I wasn't thinking straight! I had just flowing ten hours, crying my eyes out, not sure what had happened to my child! I was a mess!!! All I could think about was my baby and then seeing him was even worse! He'd been through a nightmare ordeal! All I cared about was whether or not Niall and Theo were safe, that was all. So please PLEASE give me…”

“Maura?” His Dad said, his voice growing soft as he and Niall finally made eye contact.

“No! You’re going to let me finish! You…”

“Maura!” Bobby said again, his eyes twitching over her shoulder.

“What?!” And then it seemed to click and Maura spun around quickly, knowing Niall was going to be standing there.

“Niall, sweetheart, how are you feeling?”

She approached him gently, her arms reaching for him.

He had no desire to be with them. He couldn't handle their fighting and the tension it caused between them. He held his hands out grabbing hers before she could reach him, keeping his distance.

“I'm okay, Mum. I'm going to bed, I just wanted to say goodnight to you guys.”

Maura clutched his hand and smiled, “Goodnight baby. If you need anything just yell.”

“We love you,” Bobby said.

“Love you guys too.”

Niall turned and hurried up the stairs, desperate to get in Harry and Louis’ bedroom. All he wanted was to close the door and lock away the world. He wasn't sure if he ever wanted to face it again.

His body hit the bed and he tried not let his mind wander back to that night. But there it was, hiding in the corner of his mind, waiting to step into the light.

He saw Zayn laying there, screaming, as the belt cracked his skin. Each crack was a blow to Niall’s soul. It should have been him. He should have just taken it like a man at the studio all those weeks ago. This would have never happened if he had.

His mind kept replaying the attack and the rape as he tried to imagine what would have happened had he done something different, anything different. God, why didn't he do anything different!? His brain never stopped asking that question as he drifted into a restless sleep.

 

_It hit him hard and unexpected from behind. Niall was thrown forward. He braced for a hard impact but was surprised to feel softness beneath him._

_Niall was utterly confused and he couldn't figure out where he was. Then he felt hands on his hips, someone pushing themselves up against him._

_“You’re turn,” they whispered._

_Instantly he remembered everything. He began to panic, not only for his own safety but Zayn’s. He thrashed and yelled but he was powerless against the weight of the man who was climbing on top of him._

_“I'm going to let you choose since it’s your first time and all. Do you want to look at my face while we do it?”_

_Niall gritted his teeth and tried to block it all out but everything was shady and grey and confusing. The only thing he could feel was terror. He stayed dead silent, not able to say a word._

_“Alright then, I'll decide.”_

_Niall was flipped onto his back like he was a rag doll, like there was no weight to him, “I want to look at your eyes while I do it!”_

_And Niall had no choice but to look up. Barry stared down at him with a devious, sickening smile; everything else around him was blurry._

_“Please!!!” Niall yelled finally able to make a word._

_Barry laughed, “Oh now you can speak? Well… What do you want, please what?”_

_“Zayn,” he said wanting to know where his friend was._

_The last thing he remembered was the attack on Zayn. What has happened? “Where's Zayn? Please, tell me where he is!” Niall begged sounding like a child even to himself._

_Barry seemed to be thinking, weighing his options, “Okay fine, but only because I'm nice!”_

_He grabbed Niall's chin and turned his head to the left. Zayn laid beside him, completely still._

_He was naked… blood was everywhere._

_“Zayn!” Niall yelled, but it was met with no reaction._

_It was then that he really looked at him and then that he realized. The truth causing a pain so agonizing, Niall didn't think it was possible to survive it. Zayn's eyes were wide, blank... lifeless. He reached for him, screaming his name over and over and over till his throat felt raw and useless._

_“Look what you made me do!” Barry whispered in his ear, a sick tone of pride behind it._

_“NOOOOO! Please god, Please!” Niall's cried, barely able to breath._

_“If you would have just been a good boy from the beginning, I wouldn't have lost my cool… I wouldn't have had to kill him.”_

_“God NOOO!” He wailed feeling like he was dead too, wanting it to be him._

_Suddenly, Barry's hand pulled his pants off and flipped him onto his stomach. He forced Niall’s head into the mattress, giving his eyes nowhere to look but Zayn's lifeless face._

_His mouth was so close to Niall’s ear and Niall’s skin started crawling, “Now just be a good boy and do as I say and I'll make sure they ship Theo’s body back when they're done with him.”_

_Niall pushed up, horrified and petrified, “No! You leave him be! You leave him ALONE!!! I did as you asked I got Zayn here! YOU PROMISED!!!” He cried, thinking about his friend, wishing it wasn't true._

_Hands were yanking at his hair, “But you didn't Niall, it wasn't supposed to go like this. I was supposed to have my way with Zayn but the cops showed up. You had to scream, you had to yell when I answered the phone! And now, NOW, you and your family will NEVER. SEE. HIM. AGAIN!”_

_And Niall just screamed and screamed and screamed as he came undone._

 

“Wake up, Niall wake up!!!” was the first thing Niall heard as he forced his eyes open.

His heart was in his throat, he was covered in sweat and he couldn't stop seeing Zayn's lifeless eyes.

“Niall!” His mother said grabbing his face; she looked as terrified as he felt.

He tried to communicate with her silently with his eyes, his words not working.

“Sweetheart... baby... it's okay! You need to stop screaming, no one's going to hurt you! We promise.” Maura said softly, her hands shaking as she tried to hold her son together as he was trying to fall apart.

It was then that Niall heard it, the screaming still coming from his own mouth. He quickly put his hand over himself to stop the sound, not knowing how else to turn it off. His eyes searched the room and his Dad was standing next to his Mum who was sitting next Niall on the bed. Bobby’s eyes were filled with fear. Even in Niall’s condition, he could see that. He started at his Mum when she reached out and pulled his hand away from his mouth, her eyes were threatening with tears.

Niall took a deep breath and felt a rush of shame. How embarrassing was this?

“Mum, Dad, I'm sorry to wake you guys. It was just a dream, I'm fine. You can go back to bed.”

“You don't have to do that Niall, I don't want you too.” Bobby told him reaching for his hand.

“Do what?” Niall asked, as if he didn't know.

“Be strong, push it down and pretend you're not feeling anything. This isn't the time for that son. We're here to be strong for you!”

“Dad…” he protested again looking away.

“Niall…” Bobby responded keep his hand on his son’s, wanting him to know that he was not alone, not ever.

Niall went to protest again but as he opened his mouth a sob escaped, surprising even him. He tried to choke it back but nothing could stop it. He fell forward into his own lap, pulling his hand free and bringing it up to cover his face, so ashamed that he was cracking in front of them.

“Niall, it’s okay,” he mother said trying to pull her to him, but he just pushed her away.

There was silence for an extended moment before she asked him a question, “What was the nightmare about?”

“No!” Niall protested.

“It might help you feel a little better,” Maura said trying to convince him.

“NO!” he said again, looking at her.

“Niall, we can’t help you if you don’t let…” Bobby started.

“He was dead! Zayn was dead! Barry had killed him because I screwed up! If I would have just given him what he wanted in the studio this would have never happened!!! He was just lying there next to me, dead! I can’t get it out of my head!!!”

Niall pulled on his own hair and rocked back and forth as images of his nightmares and his real life experiences started to meld into a toxic mixture of one horrible image after another.

Maura felt her chest tighten as she watched her child begin to lose himself. She gave a nervous glance up at Bobby and he could read her mind. He went over to the other side of the bed and sat down. He gripped Niall’s wrists firmly and pulled his hands away from his hair. Maura pulled Niall’s knees down, trying to prevent Niall from folding into himself.

“Relax sweetheart, please just take deep breaths and relax. It’s okay, everything is going to be okay,” Maura soothed and Niall slowly let his head fall onto her shoulder.

“He was going to go hurt Theo!!! He said I didn’t give him what he wanted! He wanted Zayn but the police came and messed everything up! The police came because I yelled for help! He was going to hurt Theo because of me! It’s all my fault,” he sobbed.

“No it’s not!’ Bobby said grabbing Niall’s face with both hands and forcing Niall to keep his eyes on his as he said what he needed to say, “This is Barry Anderson’s fault! You did absolutely nothing to cause any of this. And you know what? Zayn is okay, Theo is okay, that was all dream! Zayn is with his parents and Liam and he’s going to make a full recovery. And Theo is just fine; he’s the same happy boy and safe at home okay?”

Niall’s eyes just stared into his Dad’s as he continued to sob, wanting to believe him, but the guilt was overwhelming.

Bobby could tell Niall didn’t completely comprehend what he was saying, so he just placed a kiss on his forehead and pulled him close, “Listen, everything is going to be okay. Everybody is safe, you included. It was just dream, alright? I want you remember your Mum and I love you so much. We are going to help you get through this, okay?!”

Niall’s responded with another sob, “I just want to go home!” he pleaded, breaking both his parents’ hearts.

“As soon as we’re allowed, we’ll be on the first flight back,” Maura said stroking his hair.

“I just want to go home…” he whimpered again.

Maura realized then it was no use. Niall was having a lapse in thinking clearly, which the doctors had warned her might happen. Her eyes connected with Bobby, silently begging him to let her hold her son. Nothing hurt worse than seeing her child in pain.

Bobby smiled softly and guided Niall back to her arms. Maura leaned back into the pillows and pulled Niall with her. She soothed him with words and soft kisses. Bobby rubbed his hands up and down Niall’s back for a few moments before getting up.

“Where are you going?” Niall asked, surprising both of his them.

Bobby looked in to his son’s blue eyes and saw the pain lying in them. He felt a surge of rage wash over him as he thought about the man responsible. He pushed it down before answering, “I was only going to the toilet. I wasn’t going to leave.” he assured Niall.

“Can you call Greg and make sure Theo is okay? Please?!” Niall pleaded.

“Niall I talked to him twelve hours ago, Theo is fine, I promise!”

“Please Dad!?” Niall begged.

Bobby couldn’t say no, not when Niall seemed to be in so much anguish.

“Okay,” he said with a gentle smile, “I’ll call him again.”

Niall nodded, holding back another sob. Bobby went to move and Niall reached for his hand, “Wait! You’ll come back after you talk to him and stay with me?”

Bobby couldn’t have said no if his life depended on it, “Sure thing,” he told him leaning over and kissing his forehead.

Niall sighed just a little as his head rested back down against his mother. He closed his eyes letting his tears keep flowing as he slowly cried himself back to sleep.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thank-you everyone for commenting and leaving kudos and reading!!! I really hope everyone enjoys this next update. :) This chapter is a bit longer then usual. As always I am already working on the next update! Hopefully in a few days!!!

Zayn took a seat on Liam’s bed and just took a deep breath. It had been a long day. He had been discharged from the hospital, but not before the doctor came in and gave him a complete checkup to make sure everything was on the up and up. His ribs were starting to heal, although he needed to keep an eye on them and not make any sudden movements. His stomach was healing well, the threat of unseen bleeding gone. They had taken the bandage off his face, only covering the cut and not his entire cheek. And they had removed the bandage from his eye; giving him drops he had to use three times a day till the doctor saw him in a week.

His back was still in pretty rough shape, but the doctor said as long as he stayed on top of the cleaning and changing of the bandages there was no reason to be trapped in the hospital. Zayn had never been more thankful when he said it was okay to leave.

Liam had been pushing for Zayn and his parents to stay with him. Zayn’s parents were hesitant on taking Liam up on his offer, but ultimately they gave in. Zayn let out a silent sigh of relief when it was settled. The idea of hotel rooms and being away from Liam was not something he even wanted to consider.

Now, he was sitting in Liam’s room alone. He had been attempting to go take a shower, but somehow he ended up here, on the bed, just sitting.

It felt so weird, all of it. Liam’s place had been a sanctuary these last few weeks and where he would prefer to spend most of his time. But now with his parents here, he felt like their space was a little invaded. Or maybe it was that Zayn himself felt invaded.

He tried desperately not to catch his reflection in the mirror against the wall. He had been in the hospital for so long, the first time he actually saw his reflection he nearly fainted in shock. He looked like he had been through a war. But now that Zayn thought about it, he kind of had been through a war and he still wasn’t sure if he won.

“Zayn?” Liam’s soft voice asked, startling Zayn out of his thoughts, “Are you alright? I thought you were going to take a shower?”

Zayn looked at Liam standing in the doorway. He looked better than he had when Zayn first saw him in the hospital. He looked rested. Although, there was never a time Zayn thought Liam didn’t look good.

“Yeah, I was going to take a shower but I… I can’t take the bandages off or put them on myself. So… I just sat down…” Zayn explained.

Liam gave him a soft smile and came into the room, sitting down next to him on the bed.

“I know you have a lot on your mind. Do you want to talk?” he asked as he placed his hand over top of Zayn’s.

Zayn wasn’t sure how to respond, so he didn’t. He just looked down at their hands and spread his fingers, letting Liam’s fall into the openings. Liam got the hint and curled his fingers with Zayn, locking them together.

“You don’t have to talk about anything if you don’t want too,” Liam assured him.

Zayn couldn’t help but look up and lock eyes with Liam. He was so thankful that Liam understood that he just didn’t have it in him to talk right now. There were just too many things spinning that he couldn’t focus on just one. He wasn’t trying to avoid it forever, he just needed a break.

“Thanks Liam,” Zayn said softly, “I’m just not…”

But Liam grabbed his chin with two fingers as gently as he could and kissed Zayn’s lips, stopping his talking. It was a soft and sweet, but Zayn still felt breathless. Zayn was sure that if the two of them drifted away into the unknown, as long as they were locked together like this he wouldn’t care. There was no fear, no pain, just Liam.

“You don’t have to explain anything. I’ll do whatever makes you happy,” Liam whispered as he pulled his lips away.

Zayn pushed down an involuntary groan, think of nothing but the softness of Liam’s lips and how desperately he wanted to feel them again. But the longer Liam’s lips were separated from his, the weaker the feeling got, leaving space for all the negative feelings to creep back in.

“I really should take a shower,” he said.

Liam smiled and turned his nose, “Yea, you do,” he said with a wink.

Zayn laughed, appreciating his attempt at making everything a little lighter, “It’s going to feel so nice to be in a regular bathroom with a regular shower,” Zayn said.

He left out the part about being alone and not having to have a nurse or his Mum help him. Zayn was trying not to think about how embarrassed he was by it.

“I bet it is… Do you need my help with your bandages?”

Zayn wanted to say no. He didn’t want Liam to see just how bad his back looked. It was hard enough for his own eyes those few times; he had caught a glimpse of it. The last thing he wanted was Liam seeing it. But he knew he couldn’t take a shower without removing the gauze and considering the injury took up his entire back, there was no way he could do it alone.

“I mean… yea… if you don’t mind,” Zayn said looking away, the embarrassment creeping back on because he, a grown man, once again needs help showering.

“I’d never mind,” Liam told him with another quick kiss before grabbing Zayn’s hand and pulling him into the bathroom.

He closed the door behind them and Zayn instantly felt uncomfortable. The smaller, now confined space, suddenly made him think about utility closets and empty offices in the back of venues. The smell of bleach and Barry’s cologne suddenly filled his nostrils. He had no control as he closed his eyes and visibly tried to swallow down the panic.

“Hey, what’s wrong?! What’s the matter?” Liam asked closing the distance between them, resting his hands on Zayn’s shoulders.

“I can’t…” Zayn started but couldn’t finish as flashes of memories started going off like fireworks in his mind.

“Hey it’s okay, just tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it,” Liam said, his own heart starting to pound as he felt Zayn start to shake under his palms.

“The door…” he gasped.

Liam about through himself at it and pushed it open, letting light from the bedroom flood in as Zayn start to catch his breath. That had never happened before and as soon as he was calm enough to realize it, Zayn began to worry.

“Better?” Liam asked coming back over to him.

“I’ve never… that hasn’t… I don’t know why that just happened?” Zayn stuttered, “I’ve never had that happen before...”

Liam could see the panic in Zayn’s eyes and grabbed his hands gently, bringing their bodies closer together.

“Zayn, you just went through something horribly traumatic. Add to that what’s happened to you over the last five years and it’s going to stir up a lot of the things you haven’t had a chance to deal with yet.”

He knew Liam was right, but that didn’t make it any easier, “I’m scared Liam,” he blurted out.

Liam brought Zayn’s hands around his waist and cradled him to his chest, his hand stroking at Zayn’s hair, “I know you’re scared and that is 100% okay. But remember you’re going to get through this, I know you will!”

Zayn didn’t want to leave Liam’s warmth, the embracing calming him enough to clear his mind. If only he could just stay here forever. But eventually Liam kissed the top of his head and pulled back.

“Now let’s get you in that shower,” he laughed, “It will help you relax.”

As much as he didn’t want to, he pulled away too.

Then Liam reached for the hem of his shirt, “Lift up, so I can take care of your back,” he said gently tugging at the fabric.

A wave of anxiety rolled over Zayn. He knew it was Liam, gentle, sweet, safe Liam, but he was still alone in a bathroom with someone taking his clothes off. The same thing happened when he was his Mother in the hospital. This had to be one of the hardest things for Zayn, not trusting the people he knew he could trust with his life.

He pushed it all down, pretended it wasn’t creeping around in the back of his head. He lifted his arms and allowed Liam to gently pull his shirt over his head. Zayn stood there is his grey sweatpants hung low on his hips as Liam looked at him for a moment. He hated that the first thing he thought was Liam must notice everything that was wrong with him. But like Liam could read his mind, he reached forward and let his finger graze the fading black and blues on his chest.

Zayn took an unsteady breath and tried to not let the sensations overwhelm him. It was beyond confusing. There was fear, Liam or not, someone was once again putting their hands on him and Zayn knew he was in no shape to defend himself. But there was also a real raw desire there too. A desire to let Liam touch him more, explore his body; a desire to be loved in all the right ways.

“Does it still hurt?” Liam asked barely above a whisper, “You’re stomach?”

It took Zayn out of his thoughts, “Umm… my ribs are still tender but my stomach feels a lot better.”

Liam nodded as his fingers left his skin, leaving Zayn feeling cold where they had just been. They just stared at each other for a few moments until Liam cleared his throat and relaxed his body just a little, cutting the tension building between them.

“I think you should rest your hands on the sink, it will give you something to lean on as I take the bandages off. I’ll be easy okay?”

Zayn nodded and didn’t wait for Liam to tell him to turn around. He spun his body and did exactly as Liam said, trying with all his might not to stare at their reflection in the mirror in front of him. Liam placed one hand to steady himself on Zayn’s hip as he pulled at the corner of the outer layer of gauze. He pulled the strip away as easy as he could, trying to bit his tongue as the welts and imprints of the belt started coming into view, like some sick hidden puzzle. The more that was revealed though, the more he couldn’t hold back the little sounds coming from his mouth.

The cold air on his back was stinging his skin and Zayn closed his eyes trying to channel the pain.

“Am I hurting you?” Liam asked him, leaning in and gripping at Zayn’s forearms, kissing his shoulder gently.

Zayn finally looked in the mirror and connected their eyes in the reflection. He shook his head no, not wanting him to feel bad. It wasn’t his fault, he was only trying to help and he knew Liam would feel bad.

“I’m going to pull the other bandages off, the ones covering your cuts. That is probably going to hurt. Tell me if it gets to be too much and we’ll stop for a minute, okay?”

“Okay.”

Liam place one more kiss on his shoulder and smiled at him in the mirror, “You’re the bravest person I’ve ever met Zayn. It just makes me love you that much more.”

It gave Zayn the strength he needed to get through it. He gritted his teeth as he felt his skin burn when the medical tape was pulled off. There was a time or two where he had to sit down on his tongue to prevent the sound from slipping out as the taped pulled on a particular tender spot.

“Dear god,” he heard Liam gasp as the last bandage was taken off.

It made Zayn pick his head up and against his better judgment, watch Liam’s face in the mirror. His eyes were roaming Zayn’s back, his face contorted into one of disgust. Zayn wanted to grab his shirt and run, not able to see Liam look at him like that. But he stayed in place his eyes never leaving the reflection.

“I swear to god, if I ever see his face again I will kill him!” Liam said, not able to really comprehend what he was staring at

Zayn’s entire back, or at least it seemed like it, was covered in welts and streaks of black and blue. Liam could easily make out as the outlines of where the best had struck him. There were random spots that were so much worse, the skin sliced, just beginning to grow back in a pinkish red color, looking as painful as he was sure it felt. Those were where the buckle must have caught him and tore him open.

It killed Liam to look at it. It killed Liam that he couldn’t just touch it or kiss it all away. No one deserved something like this, but especially Zayn. Zayn didn’t deserve this.

Zayn’s eyes watching him in the mirror caught his attention and he pulled his concentration away from his back.

“I’m sorry…” he said.

Zayn just shook his head, “Don’t be.”

Liam grabbed at his arms again and spun him back around, not able to stare at the injuries anymore. He brought Zayn close, cradling him one more time in his arms.

“The water is going to hurt, try not to stand under it with your back to it, okay?”

Zayn nodded.

“Do you need anything else?” he asked.

“A towel and my cloths, I left them on the bed.”

“Well, you go ahead and take that shower. Take all the time you need and I’ll get the towel and your cloths and leave them right here for you. I’ll wait for you in the bedroom, okay?” Liam told him.

Zayn nodded, “Okay.”

***********

Liam laid still on his bed listen for the water to stop running from inside the shower. Zayn had been in there for a while now but Liam figured he probably would be. Still, he kept his ears open, just encase something was wrong.

Liam was trying so hard to not get caught up by it, but the image of Zayn’s back made it hard not to. He had known it was bad. He saw what Zayn looked like in that hotel room. But seeing it now was like looking at a picture of what exactly had been inflicted upon him and it made Liam’s blood boil.

He wished he could take it all away, take everything that Zayn was feeling away. If he could switch places with him, he would do it in an instant.

The water finally stopped just as Liam was about to go in and make sure he was okay. He listened to Zayn shuffling, trying to make sure he heard him if Zayn needed him. Right now, there was nothing more important than that.

It wasn’t long before Zayn walked out of the bathroom, wearing a fresh pair of black sweatpants, a towel draped over his wet hair and carrying the t-shirt in his hands. He saw Liam just sitting on the bed and hovered in the doorway.

“You waited,” Zayn said.

Liam was slightly surprised but he tried to ignore it, “Of course, where else would I be?”

Zayn smiled softly before dropping his eyes again, like he was ashamed.

“Umm… can you help me?” Zayn asked gesturing to his back.

Liam had been prepared, knowing someone had to help him cover those wounds and as far as Liam was concerned it was going to be him. He picked up the clear bag next to him show the medical supplies proudly.

“Way ahead of you!” Liam said, sitting up.

Zayn laughed as he rubbed his hair with the towel before throwing it to the ground.

“Come lie down and I’ll get you all taken care of.”

Zayn nodded and came over to the foot of the bed. Liam reached for his hand and helped lay him down tenderly onto his stomach, careful not to hurt his chest.

He looked down at Zayn's face and his eyes caught the injury to his cheek. Liam's fingers brushed Zayn's hair back from his face.

“How does your cheek feel?” He asked as his fingertips grazed over it.

“Okay,” he told him but Liam could see by his eyes that something was bothering him.

“What's wrong?”

There was hesitation but Zayn eventually spoke, “when I'm lying like this, I feel… it just reminds me of him…”

Liam felt a pinch in his chest as Zayn closed his eyes, clearly embarrassed.

“Sit up,” Liam told him.

Zayn shook his head, “No, it’s okay, I can try!”

“Zayn, sit up.”

Zayn sat up slowly not looking at Liam, ashamed, “I'm sorry,” he said.

Liam just wrapped his arms around Zayn and hugged him tightly, “don't ever, ever apologize for something that! And if you're not comfortable or something reminds you of him, don't keep that from me! Tell me and I will never ever make you do it, okay?”

Zayn sighed contently, as his hands gripped Liam’s shirt against his back, “thank-you Liam, honestly, thank-you.”

Liam held him for a little longer before pulling him away, “let's get you all fixed up and then when can lay down, yea?”

Zayn nodded and spun around. Liam did not let his eyes stare at the injuries again. He didn't want to feel the anger any more than he already did.

He bandaged Zayn quickly but carefully, making sure he said sweet little words to remind Zayn that he was here and that he loved him. Once he was done Liam pulled back and moved up to the top of the bed and patted the spot next to him.

“Are you going to lay with me?”

Zayn gave him a genuine smile and quickly put his t-shirt on before climbing up next to Liam. He rested his head on Liam’s shoulder.

Their bodies were facing one another and Liam draped his other arm across Zayn's hip pulling him a little closer.

“I missed this the most,” Zayn confided.

“So did I, I didn't sleep well without you.”

Zayn leaned forward and kissed Liam's lips softly and Liam’s heartbeat sped up.

“I love you Liam.” Zayn said when he pulled his lips away.

Liam felt Zayn rest his head on his chest and he brought his lips close to Zayn's ear, “I love you too,” Liam whispered.

They laid silently, Liam just humming a soft song as his fingers kept running all over his skin. It wasn't long before he felt Zayn’s whole body sag and heard his deep rhythmic breaths and he knew Zayn had fallen asleep.

Liam rested his own head against Zayn's, smelling the scent of his shampoo. If he could stay here forever with him, leaving all the pain and sadness out their little bubble, he would do it in a heartbeat, no matter the sacrifice. Almost losing Zayn had awoken a part of him, made Liam see that Zayn was all that he wanted. Zayn was the one person Liam couldn't live without. He was one hundred and ten percent head over heels in love with him.

His fingers traveled up to Zayn's hair and he brushed through the strands, still holding his body close.

“Liam?” A voice said, making Liam jump.

He turned towards the doorway and Yaser stood there looking at him. Liam couldn’t read anything on his face. It was stern with no expression. Liam instantly relaxed his arms that were holding Zayn, not sure if Yaser was angry or not.

Liam could care less if Yaser knew there was something between Zayn and him. The problem was Liam was very much awake, Zayn was very much asleep. Liam had his arms around Zayn and was rubbing up on him, innocently but still. Zayn had just admitted to being sexually abused for years. Yaser might just snap on Liam thinking he too, was trying to take advantage of his son.

“Is Zayn okay?” He asked taking a step inside the room, still eyeing Liam.

“Yea,” he said swallowing down his fear, “he took a shower so I helped him redo his bandages. He just fell asleep.”

Liam knew he was rambling; he did that when he was nervous.

“Oh okay. Well… I'll just let him rest. Trisha and I are going to turn in. So if we don't see you... good night Liam.”

Liam watched him turn and leave. Maybe he was imagining it all or maybe it was really there, but Liam felt like Yaser wasn't happy. And as much as it killed him, he didn't think it was the best move to sleep here with Zayn, if only out of respect for his parents. He didn't want to but he felt it was for the best. So he leaned down kissed Zayn’s forehead before pulling the blanket up over him.

“I love you,” he whispered before getting up and leaving.

 

_Zayn felt the darkness around him, like it was alive, like it was a living and breathing entity. He fought it but it pushed him down, making him feel like it was attaching itself to his soul._

_“You’re mine. You always have been, you always will be.” Barry’s voice said sounding like it was to his left and to his right, sounding like it was all around him._

_He fought back, trying to get away. But the blackness had him trapped. He yelled and opened his eyes…_

 

Zayn laid there and let his eyes adjust to the lack of light in the room. He tried to push down the anxiety that was coursing through his veins, but he just couldn’t. All he wanted was to feel Liam around him. He turned towards where he thought Liam would be only to find the spot barren. Instantly, he ran his hand over the empty spot and felt the cold. Liam hadn’t been there for a while.

It hit him hard. Liam had left him, Liam didn’t stay with him. All those fears that had been in the back of his head, like he was no longer good enough or Liam was disgusted by him, were now settling in his gut. They suddenly didn’t feel crazy or like they were a product of his anxiety. They felt real and that was enough to nearly destroy Zayn for good.

Zayn knew right then that sleep would evade him for the rest of the night and he just couldn’t lay in Liam’s bed one more second. Without Liam it just didn’t feel welcoming. It felt big and cold and lonely. He pulled himself out of bed and found himself searching every room as he walked towards the stairs looking for a sign of Liam. Zayn even stuck his head into the guest room, and saw his parents fast asleep on the guest bed. Again, there was no sign of Liam.

He took the stairs quietly, not wanting to disturb anyone. The living room was empty when he reached the bottom. As he approached the kitchen, the flicker of a TV in the family room caught his eyes. He walked towards the doorway and stopped when he saw Liam’s sleeping figure curled up on the sofa.

A part of Zayn wanted to go lay down with him, ask him to hold him tight and drifted back to sleep. But there was a much bigger part of him that was hurt and hurt deeply. Liam knew how much Zayn needed him and he didn’t stay. If that wasn’t a sign that Liam’s real feelings were not what Zayn was seeing, then what would be?

It just hurt too much to look at Liam lying there, so Zayn turned and walked away. He went into the kitchen and took a seat at the table, looking out into the backyard. He didn’t bother turning the light on. He just sat there in silence, his heart in pieces as he waited for the sun to come up.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone that's commenting and leaving kudos and reading!!! I'm sorry to leave you all hanging after the last chapter but I promise there is a plan! :) I'm excited that I have an update so soon for you guys! It's shorter chapter but an updates and update right? lol Hopefully I'll have another update by Sunday or Monday. But until then, I hope you enjoy this chapter!!!

“Zayn sweetie, wake up,” a gentle voice whispered in his ear.

Zayn opened his eyes and instantly he felt stiffness in his neck. He was lying face down on something hard. It didn't take long for him to remember what happened last night and how he ended up in the kitchen.

“What are you doing down here? Are you okay?” his mother asked brushing his hair back from his eyes.

“Umm… Yea… I just had a hard time sleeping last night. I came down stairs at some point and I must have fallen back to sleep.”

Trisha looked at him for just a second and Zayn could feel her searching his face for something. But eventually she patted his hand and went over to the cabinets quickly pulling two mugs down.

“I’ll make you coffee, yea?”

Zayn wasn’t much of a coffee drinker but his head was heavy and his mind hazy. So this morning, he would be.

“Yes please.”

He tried to not think about what lead him to fall asleep on the cold kitchen table, but his mind was having a hard time thinking of anything else. Zayn’s just kept reminding him of Liam sleeping on the couch and not next to him.

“Sweetheart?” He heard his Mum say.

He turned and looked at her, shaking away his thoughts, “I'm sorry, did you say something?”

“I was just asking if you want to come sit outside and drink your coffee with me. Your Dad and Liam are still asleep. It's early and I don't want to wake them.”

Zayn just wanted to sit here and wallow in his own self-pity, but he didn’t have it in him to say no to his Mum.

“Sure,” he said trying to show some excitement, even if it wasn’t real.

She grabbed both mugs and Zayn quickly got up and unlocked the sliding door leading to the back porch. He followed her out and closed it behind them. They put their mugs down on the table and pulled up two chairs.

“Can we talk baby?” His mother asked after a silent moment or two.

No, he didn't want to talk. He had done enough talking to last a lifetime. But he smiled at her nodded, not able to do that to his Mum.

“I think you might need to think about seeing someone. The doctor mentioned that you should start therapy as soon as possible.”

Zayn held the warm liquid in his hands and stared at it. It was occurring to him now that there was still so much she didn't know. There was so much he hadn't gotten around to telling her.

“I was seeing someone before...it… happened,” Zayn began, “when I came to LA and told the guys everything that had gone on. The boys, Liam especially, made me realize that I needed to get some help. So, we found someone. I really liked her.”

Trisha smiled as she took a sip of her coffee, “That's wonderful darling. Would you want to keep talking to her?”

Zayn knew he needed too, even though a part of him wished he could just pretend it all never happened and never speak of it again.

“Yeah, I think so; I mean I would hate to have to start all over again.” He explained.

The thought of telling his story and all its details again to someone else made his brain hurt.

“Do you want me to make the phone call or do you want too?”

Zayn appreciated really appreciated the way his Mum was being, “No I can do it Mum, thanks though.”

“Of course sweetie!”

They fell into a gentle quiet and Zayn listened to the birds chirping softly in the trees. It was peaceful, being out here. Maybe he should sit out here more often.

“Zayn?” Trisha said.

Zayn looked at her, responding with his eyes.

“I'm not trying to pry or anything, you know I respect your privacy. But… were you ever going to tell me about you and Liam?”

It caught Zayn by complete surprise and he instantly went it to shock. He tried to hide it but he knew she had already read it on his face.

“Mum… I…”

She leaned forward and grasped his hand, “Zayn its okay. I… that was so insensitive! I shouldn't have blurted it that out, I'm sorry! It's just that... you used to tell me everything and now…”

Zayn was still in shock, his face having no expression as he continued to stare at her. “How did…” He started but couldn't finish.

“Zayn, baby, I'm your mother and I know you! You always acted so different around Liam, even when you first met him. You never talked about any of the other boys the same way. You never treated the other boys the same way. I don’t remember you treating any of your friends, ever, the way you treated Liam. Baby, I have always known you liked him. I just was never sure if he felt the same about you. I just didn’t see him enough back then to tell, but since I’ve been here… it’s been pretty obvious.” Trisha explained.

Zayn sat frozen, not sure how to respond. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. His mother knew how he felt about Liam back when he wasn’t even sure how he felt about Liam? Was he that obvious? Could anyone else tell?

Trisha could see the wheels in his brain spinning and she squeezed his hand tighter, “I really am sorry, sweetheart. I should have never brought it up like that. This is a serious conversation and I’m being insensitive. I just… I wish you would have come to me about it. You used to tell me everything. You could have told me how you felt about Liam. Did you think I wouldn’t love you anymore because you like boys?”

“No Mum no! It’s just that… I wasn’t even sure what I was feeling for a long time. And when I did realize it… things were even more complicated. Please don’t apologize. You’re right about everything.” Zayn said.

                He didn’t really want to go into this conversation with his Mum. He had enough on his mind about what was happening with Liam. But how could he stop this conversation now? It was obviously something his Mother wanted to discuss and he didn’t have it in him to hurt her like that.

“We were so close Zayn. You used to tell me everything and then you just... didn’t. I guess I just… didn’t want any more secrets with you. I just… I miss you,” Trisha said her eyes full of emotion.

Trisha and Zayn had always been so close. There wasn’t a time that Zayn could remember where he didn’t let his Mum in on almost all aspects of his life. He didn't have secrets from her. He wasn’t like other kids that wanted to keep their parents out of their business. But that all changed when Barry began abusing him.

At first he tried to stay the same, but as things with Barry got worse, Zayn began to change in ways that were apparent to the people that knew him, especially his Mother. He knew she would ask questions, she would try to pull it out of him and he knew that there was a very good chance that she would succeed. And then what? There was no way his Mother would have just let it go. She would have made him talk to the police and press charges. Yea, Barry might actually be getting some form of justice now, but back then it was literally Zayn’s word against his. And Barry had too much power for Zayn to win that battle.

He hated that he hurt her like that, “Mum, I’m sorry. I never meant to push you away but Barry…” Zayn started to explain but had to stop for a minute to collect himself, “Barry changed me…”

“Baby,” Trisha said cutting him off with a firm shake of her head, “Please don’t apologize! You don't owe me anything like that! I know you’ve been through so much and you’re still going through so much! All I want is for you to know that you can tell me anything, anything in this world and I would always love you the same.”

Zayn was so sure that his Mother was the most amazing woman in the world and then she goes and does something to make him even surer of that. “I did like Liam different then all the other boys… I still do,” he confided.

It was weird hearing it out loud. He was sure he’d never actually spoken it so honestly to anyone before. It was fitting that it would be him Mum.

“And… Liam?” she asked, but Zayn could tell she thought she already knew the answer.

If they would have had this conversation yesterday, maybe Zayn’s answer would have been different. “I think he feels the same…”

It was so much more complicated than that though. Liam had done a thousand and one things that prove to Zayn how he felt. Zayn knew that, he really did. But his actions last night, even if it didn’t seem like a big deal, were enough to root the doubt that had been swirling around Zayn’s brain. Zayn wasn’t someone who had been screwed over and was having issues learning to trust again. This was so much deeper than that. He felt unlovable. He felt like Barry had tainted him so badly that no one could ever want him because he was damaged goods. If he felt dirty to himself, image the stain that everyone else could see on his skin.

Waking up to an empty bed, when Zayn felt like he needed Liam more than he needed air to breathe, was enough to make those fears and doubts cement themselves. And now they were thriving, spreading like a disease in his mind.

“Well, if you’re asking me, which I know you're not but I’m going to tell you anyway, I think he does. Everything he’s done for you since I’ve been here, even before we got here, that’s what someone does when they care very deeply for someone else.”

Zayn didn’t know what to say. He was listening to what she was telling him and a part of him knew that she was right, but there was that other part that was still growing that couldn’t be silenced.

“Yea… I know… it’s just really complicated right now.” he said trying to get off the subject of Liam’s feelings. How was he supposed to talk to anyone about how Liam was feeling when he wasn’t sure himself.

“I doesn’t seem all that complicated to me,” Trisha said.

As much as he wanted to drop it, he couldn’t resist the urge to ask, “What do you mean?”

“Well… he told the doctor he’s your boyfriend and assuming that it’s true, being someone’s boyfriend doesn’t seem all that complicated.”

Zayn was a little taken back, “We’ve never had that conversation, Mum. So, I don’t think he’s actually my boyfriend.”

It hurt him to say that out loud.

“It looks like the two of you are to me,” she responded back, “Look, I… I’m not trying to tell you what to do Zayn. But Liam is a wonderful guy who cares very deeply for you. Just these last few days I see how he would do just about anything for you! I know you’ve been through a lot and things are difficult right now, but try not to let that scare you away from him.”

Zayn searched his Mum’s eyes and he felt like she could read right into his, “I’m trying real hard not too Mum. There’s just a lot going on and I just need some time to sort it all out.”

It wasn’t a lie, but it was more like half the truth. He didn’t want to get into what happened last night. He hoped his Mum wouldn’t ask him to elaborate on what he needed to sort through. Thankfully she didn’t have a chance because his Dad opened the sliding door and stepped out onto the porch.

“This place is really nice, Liam has good taste.” he said taking a deep breath of the morning air, “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” Zayn said back with a small smile.

His Mum went to his Dad and gave him a quick kiss, telling him good morning. He smiled at her and embraced her for a quick moment. Zayn couldn’t help but appreciate that love that was still between them.

After a few private seconds, Yaser turned to both Zayn and Trisha, “Who’s up for breakfast? I’ll make my famous pancakes if you guys are hungry? I may or may not have stocked up on the ingredients yesterday when I ran to the store.”

Zayn remembered helping his Dad as a little boy when he would cook breakfasts on Saturdays. It was one of their special times that Zayn always treasured. He missed those special times with his Dad.

Almost as if Yaser could read his mind, he turned to Zayn, “You want to help me, like you used to when you were small?”

Zayn couldn’t say no even if he wanted to, “Sure.”

He got off the chair and followed his Dad back inside. His Mum reached out and grabbed his arm. As he turned to her she just pulled him into a deep, strong embrace.

“I love you Zayn no matter what, okay? All I ever want is for you to be happy.”

He appreciated it more than she would ever know. He hugged her tightly for a few seconds longer before kissing her cheek, “I love you Mum,” he said before walking back into the house.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, thank you, thank you everyone for your comments and kudos and interest!!! Sorry this chapter took a day longer to edit. I got swamped at work yesterday and just didn't have it in me to finish the edit till today! Anyway I hope everyone enjoys this update! I'm hoping to have another update very soon!!

                Liam saw Louis and Harry sitting in the restaurant almost as soon as he walked in the door. They were seated at a table looking out at the courtyard near the back. Liam walked towards them and harry waved as soon as he spotted him.

                “Hey guys sorry I’m late,” Liam said, “Zayn started seeing his therapist again today and I just dropped him off.”

                It had been three days since Zayn had left the hospital and to say they had been easy would be a lie. It wasn’t they were hard either, it was somewhere in between. Zayn seemed to be doing better and worse all at the same time. He wasn’t hiding himself away, locking the bedroom door and blocking out the world. But Liam felt that there was suddenly a noticeable distance between him and Zayn and that unsettled him.

                “Oh he did that’s great!” Harry said handing him a menu.

                “Yea, he decided it was time to go back. I mean… the doctor had pretty much demanded that he see a professional, but Zayn took the first steps on his own.”

                It was so telling to Liam that Zayn, even after what happened with Barry, still wanted to get better. He was fighting to not let this whole thing eat him alive. And Liam didn’t think he was ever this proud of someone in his entire life.

                “That’s because he wants to survive this. I could see it in his eyes, even threw all the pain he was in.” Louis chimed in.

                Liam had seen that flame there too. Barry had tried to smother it out but it was still burning and Liam was so thankful for that.

                “That’s because he has something to fight for now,” Harry chimed in with a glint in his eye as he raised his eyebrow at Liam.

                Liam’s face grew red. It was only Harry and there was no lie in that statement. But it made him feel like a 16-year-old that had just been called out on his crush.

                “Harry, you’re embarrassing him,” Louis said, elbowing him with a laugh.

                “What’s there to be embarrassed about? He likes Zayn, Zayn likes him. They have been practically joined at the hip for as long as I can remember. They’re both handsome guys. I’m still not seeing the embarrassment factor here.”

                “This is all new for them,” Louis explained, “You know how awkward new relationships can be, remember us?”

                Harry’s expression was one of comical disbelief before looking at Liam sincerely, “Am I embarrassing you?”

                “No,” Liam said, “But… it’s just like Louis said… it’s new. And I mean things are… I don’t want to say complicated but they’re kind of complicated.”

                “I don’t want to pry but…” Harry began.

                “You are prying,” Louis interjected.

                Harry scowled and Louis just stopped talking and laughed to himself, “As I was saying, I’m not trying to pry, but besides the obvious, what is so complicated?”

                Liam took a deep breath and gathered his thoughts. He didn’t really want to talk about this. But when he looked at Louis trying to hold in a laugh, he knew they were both thinking the same thing. There was no escaping a curious Harry.

                “Zayn and I are… sort of… together. I mean we haven’t _officially_ said be my boyfriend or whatever but…”

                “He’s your boyfriend. He’s literally been living with you for a month. And I was there when you adamantly told his Doctor he was your boyfriend. So… yeah, he’s your boyfriend.” Harry told him.

                “But he’s…” Liam started and let out a frustrated sigh as he dropped his forehead into his hand

                “Harry’s right mate,” Louis said, “But if that’s not what you want…”

                Liam picked his head up quickly, his eyes getting wide, “NO! No, I do want that! I just… Zayn and I never spoke about it and I don’t want to assume something like that, especially now, with everything he’s dealing with.”

                “Trust me Liam, he wants that.” Louis told him with a telling expression.

                “But he’s dealing with so much. He’s working through a lot right now and what if his feelings for me are just a result of that and… I’m not what he really wants?”

                Liam felt exposed. He had just aired out his insecurities and was suddenly very aware of how vulnerable he was.

Louis studied Liam’s face and saw the worry written all over it, “I can promise you Liam. I am as sure of his feeling for you as I am of Harry’s for me. You’re what he wants. You don’t have to worry about that at all!”

Liam knew Louis, and Harry for that matter, were right. It was just difficult to navigate sometimes. But Liam would go as slow as Zayn needed if it meant that he could still have him. Liam would do whatever he had too for Zayn.

“I know, I know. It’s just so scary not knowing how to really help the person you love.”

Harry and Louis both stared at him for an extended second before Liam noticed both sets of eyes just looking at him, “What?”

“You love him?! That’s a big step,” Louis said.

Liam shrugged, he hadn’t meant to tell them that; it had slipped out. But now that it was out, he didn’t care all that much that they knew.

“Yeah, I do. Almost losing him, that made me realize. I literally felt like I was going to die in the hospital waiting for his parents. I’ve never felt like that before.” Liam said, exposing more of his secrets.

Harry and Louis both smiled at him. “Just… be careful Liam. You can’t rush him into things, you have to take it one step at a time…”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you guys. I want to be with him so bad, but I’m scared. I’m scared he's going to give it to me because he thinks he has too. I know his feelings are real but… what if getting involved with me now, after he just went through something so horrible, makes everything fall apart?”

“Liam,” Harry said gently, “You can’t worry about that. You have to do what feels right. Zayn needs you. He wants you to be there to help him through this. Being with the person you love in times like this is never a bad thing.”

Liam nodded his head knowing Harry was right. He was having doubts and fears which was natural. But he shouldn’t be letting them affect anything with him and Zayn. Nothing had ever felt more right to than holding Zayn in his arms.

                “It just sucks, having his parents there…” Liam said, but instantly feeling guilty.

                He loved Zayn’s family but he hadn’t slept in his own bed since Zayn had come home. There was nothing Liam wanted more than to just curl up next to Zayn every night. He felt like Yaser had his eye on Liam, ready to pounce the minute he thought he was crossing a line. And the last thing Liam wanted was to do something that caused Yaser to react.

                “Why?” Louis asked.

                “Because… I can’t… be with Zayn, not physically anyway. The other night Zayn’s Dad walked in on me cuddling him while he was sleeping…”

                “I don’t think Yaser’s like that Liam. I honestly don’t think it matters to him what Zayn’s sexual preference is.” Harry responded

                Liam’s eyes got wide, “That is not at all what I mean! Oh god no! I mean I know Zayn hasn’t told his parents about us but _that_ never crossed my mind. I’m worried that he thinks I’m going to hurt Zayn or take advantage of him or something…”

                “No way!” Louis said.

                “You didn’t see the way he was eyeing me, the way he’s been eyeing me since. I think he wants to beat me up!” Liam confided.

                “Oh bloody hell Liam, Yaser does NOT want to beat you up! That’s ridiculous.”

                “I’m telling you guys, his look was hard and he was watching where I was putting my hands. I've been sleeping on the couch because I'm nervous to share a bed with Zayn if his Dad is in the house. He might come in a drag me out by my hair or something.” Liam said in all seriousness.

“Oh for god sakes Liam,” Louis said nearly rolling his eyes, think it was obscured.

“Have you looked at Zayn's Dad? He's a really big guy!”

“Liam,” Harry said gently, “I'm sure he wants to protect Zayn especially after everything that's happened. But he knows you and he knows you care about Zayn and he knows you would never hurt him. Just relax.”

Liam wanted to relax. All he wanted was to crawl beside Zayn every night and hold him close. But that was easier said than done.

“I'm sure you're right. Maybe I'll talk to Zayn about it.”

“Wait,” Louis said leaning across the table, “you didn't tell Zayn about any of this?”

“No we really haven't had time to talk.” Liam explained.

“No Liam, you have to talk to him tell him everything. He's so fragile right now, any distance from you at all could really mess with his head!”

Liam got defensive, “I'm not being distant!”

“You might not think so, but he might be too scared to say anything. You need to talk to him Liam!” Harry chimed in.

Liam knew they were trying to help but he was over talking about it. And truthfully he was starting to feel a little ganged up on.

“I'll talk to him, okay guys?” he told them.

“Good, you need to,” Louis said.

Thankfully, the waitress came over right then and took their orders, giving Liam a chance to change the subject.

“So, what's up with you guys? I'm sorry I've been a little distant and stuff…” Liam said once the waitress walked away.

“We get it Liam; you don't owe us any apology.” Louis said, Harry nodding in agreement.

“You're going through a lot.” Harry added.

Liam nodded. It was easy in the hospital, Liam had realized. Zayn had a schedule of sorts and people were coming in and out, doctors, nurses, detectives. Once they left and got settled in Liam's home, things were different. There was downtime, a lot of it and the true effects of everything we're starting to settle over them.

“Liam, have you heard from Niall?” Harry asked.

Liam looked at Harry’s worried face and thought about the multiple text messages he had sent to Niall over the last few days and how he never heard anything back. If he wasn't so wrapped up in what was going on with Zayn he probably would have noticed Niall’s silence sooner.

“No, I've tried to get in touch with him several times, but he never responds.”

“I've called him like 6, 7 times a day, every day, not to mention all the text messages I keep sending. He never responds. I haven't spoken to him at all since he stayed at our house the night he got discharged from the hospital. I'm really starting to get nervous.” Harry said his worry becoming more and more apparent.

Liam had an unsettling feeling in his stomach. Yes Niall was a little difficult to get ahold of sometimes. He was such a popular person that everyone always wanted his attention. But he would never act like this, not after what happened. Something just wasn't right.

“Maybe we should try to call his Mum?” Liam suggested.

Harry sighed, “I was trying to not do that but I'm getting really worried. I might have to.”

“I think you should,” Louis said.

Harry nodded, making a silent decision that that was exactly what he was going to do.

“We wanted to talk to you about something else Liam. We talked to the label and management, me and Harry did. I know we should have called you and Niall, I'm sorry we didn't, but it kind of just happened.”

Liam didn't care that they talked to management or the label or whoever without him. If anything, he was thankful that they were thinking about it because he sure wasn't. Performing and recording were the farthest thing from his mind.

“No don't apologize, just tell me what happened.”

“We took care of everything. They know they have some responsibility in all this. The album is on hold until Niall and you are ready, however long that takes. And we get to screen every producer or engineer or anyone we have to work directly with, no questions asked.” Louis explained.

Liam couldn’t be happier by that news, but he was surprised the label just handed them so much, “How did they agree to all that? They wouldn't even pull Barry off the album and now they're giving us anything we want?”

Liam felt the the sting left on his tongue when he said Barry’s name.

Harry chuckled and smiled fondly, “Louis went in there on a mission. And he gave them quite an earful.”

“Yea? You didn't get yourself in trouble did you?” Liam asked.

“Hell no! They knew better than to say anything back to me about ANYTHING. They know what they did! They know they are as responsible for what Niall and Zayn went through as that bastard is!” Louis said getting heated.

His face was getting red, his eyes narrowed as his hand reached out and gripped the silverware on the table.

“Relax Lou, you took care of it and they knew they were wrong.” Harry soothed rubbing his arm, “don't get all worked up again.”

“I just can't stop thinking about what they let happen to our friends, to all of us! How can people live with themselves knowing that they allowed it to happen? What if Barry Anderson was allowed to be left alone with their son?”

No one answered him, thinking about that very thing. Liam felt the sting of betrayal when he thought about their management and their label. They were supposed to look out for them. They were supposed to nurture them. They were not supposed to let a sexual predator have his choice of victims with no consequences.

“You know… I can't wrap my brain around how any of those people could have looked at us back in the beginning and… I mean we were like lambs to a slaughter... Literally, they gave us to him like we were prizes and he could have his pick. It's deplorable! We were just kids… how are any of those people okay with that?” Louis vented, letting his thoughts spew out of his mouth.

Neither Liam nor Harry had answers for Louis, not that he was asking for them. Liam wondered the same thing a lot and could never come up with an answer.

“I don't know mate,” he said.

“Me either,” Harry chimed in, his arm wrapping around Louis’ waist.

There would be justice for Barry, but this thing was bigger than him and it wasn't right that everyone else that was guilty of the part they played in this would get away with it. But they all knew life wasn't always fair and dwelling on it wouldn't change it. They needed to take whatever it was they could get to help them find some form of closure.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! As always, a HUGE THANK-YOU to everybody who leaves comments or kudos or just reads my story! You have no idea how much it means to me! I am sooo sorry this update took so long. It's been a tough week for me, I had some personal crap to deal with, but I came out just fine on the other side. It just took me a little longer to find time to sit down and edit this Chapter for you! I wont make promises, but I am 98% sure I wont take this long to update the next chapter! Anyway, I really hope you enjoy this chapter. :))))))

They were all apprehensive and no one was saying a word as the car kept rolling. Zayn's parents were in the front seat, while Liam and Zayn were seated in the back.

Detective Cower, the lead detective, had called early this morning and informed Zayn that he needed to come down to the station today if he could. There were some movements in the case they needed to talk about. Zayn tried to get them just to tell him, his stomach already in his throat, but that's all the information he was given.

Zayn knew he couldn't go alone. There was no way he’d make it; his nerves would never allow it. His parents were adamant that they were going and so was Liam. Zayn didn't have it in him to fight them even if he wanted too.

The detective assured Zayn that there was no reason to believe word had gotten to the press, so there was no need for Zayn to worry about reports camped out or something like that. At least that was one worry out of his head.

They pulled up in front of the police station and, thankfully, what Detective Cower had said was right. There was no press. Yaser put the car in park and turned to his son, “you guys get out here. I'll go park the car,” he told them.

Zayn just nodded, not having the energy to find his voice.

He opened the door, adjusted the baseball cap and sunglasses on his face, a precaution he took anyway, and hopped out the car. Both and Liam and his Mum followed.

Trying to avoid any chance that someone might be stationed outside and notice him, they walked quickly into the building. They went through security without any problems, Zayn leading the way.

He stood on the other side waiting for his Mum and Liam to join him. He could barely focus on anything, his nerves frayed worse than ever.

“Hey,” Liam said coming up, an arm wrapping around his shoulders, “it's going to be okay. I'm sure everything is fine.”

Zayn stared at Liam wondering if he missed lying next to him as much Zayn missed Liam. “Yea, just want to get this over with,” he said shrugging Liam's arm off him.

Liam stood shocked, hurt actually, as Zayn moved a few steps away from him. Liam had been feeling the distance for days but thought it was all in his head and he was letting his insecurities run away from him. Things were crowded in his house. With Zayn’s parents there, there was no privacy. He thought that was it, but now, maybe he was wrong.

Liam was about to ask him what was going on, when a familiar face caught his eyes coming towards him. “Niall?” He called out.

Niall, whose head was down clearly wanting to just to get out of there, stopped right away and looked up.

“Liam… Zayn?” he said, something just… off on his face.

“Niall… What are you doing here?” Liam asked.

“The detectives, they called me. They wanted me to come down,” he told them.

Liam noticed right away his eyes were looking everywhere but at them and he quickly thought back to his conversation with Louis and Harry.

“Are you okay?” Liam blurted out.

“Yea, I’m fine!” Niall said with a little bite to his voice.

“Are you sure?” Liam asked take a step closer.

Niall immediately took a step back and blinked a few times, “I said I'm fine Liam.”

And just like that, Liam was sure he wasn't fine; now he was worried, very worried. But before he could say something else, Zayn put a gentle hand on Niall’s shoulder, “Remember you can always call me if you need to, yea?”

Niall looked like he was ready to snap but his face softened after he and Zayn stared at each other for a moment. “I know... thanks,” he said shifting his eyes away again.

Zayn knew something was wrong too, it was blatantly obvious. But he also knew what feeling pressure to talk about things felt like. And sometimes you needed to figure things out alone. Niall deserved that opportunity more than anyone.

“What did they want?” Zayn asked Niall, not able to escape the fear of what was waiting for him.

Niall hesitated for a second, “It's just an update about the progress of the case… But they said we don't have to stay in LA anymore if we don't want to.”

Liam could tell Niall wasn't telling them something and he wasn't sure If Zayn saw it too. He prayed that whatever it was wasn’t going to screw up the progress Zayn was beginning to make again.

“Listen guys,” Niall said starting to separate himself, “I have to get going. I'll talk to you later.”

And Liam and Zayn watched him walk away, shocked by this awkward meeting. Suddenly though Niall turned back around, “Liam, come here for a second?” He yelled waving him over.

Liam ran towards him, “What's up?”

“Can you do me a favor? Tell Harry not to call my Mum again about any of this. There's no need to worry her like that.” Niall said, his tone not showing any hints of being mad and upset.

Liam was utterly shocked. Niall never had a problem with Harry; they were best friends after all. And he certainly never asked someone else to tell Harry, or anyone for that matter, how he was feeling. Liam didn’t say anything as he stared at him in shock. Niall didn't seem to care, or maybe he didn’t even notice, as he turned and walked away.

A minute later Yaser walked through security, “Everything alright?” he asked after seeing Liam’s face.

Liam quickly shook his head, “Yea… we just saw Niall. We weren't expecting that.”

Liam hoped Yaser bought his explanation because he wasn't really sure what else he was going to say. He couldn't believe that just happened. There was no doubt now that something was very very wrong and he had no idea what to do about it.

“Oh that was Niall? I didn't even notice,” he said and Liam breathed a sigh of relief.

Liam had no idea what he was going to do, besides call Harry and deliver that interesting message. And even if he did do something else, this was not the time for that. This was about Zayn right now, he needed to give Zayn his undivided attention. So, he followed behind Yaser and approached Zayn again.

“That was weird,” he said, but Zayn didn't even turn to acknowledge him.

“Come on,” Yaser said taking the lead and walking towards the front desk.

Liam grabbed a hold of Zayn's arm, “Hey, what's going on? Is everything okay?” Liam asked.

“Yea, I'm fine,” Zayn said barely even looking at Liam.

Zayn wanted to grab a hold of Liam's hand but he just couldn't. He was so scared that all those doubts eating him up were the truth. He couldn't give anymore of himself to Liam then he already had, not when he felt so rejected since the other night. The fear of getting hurt was just too overwhelming.

So instead of holding onto the one thing that was keeping him from drowning, he took a big, obvious step away from Liam and pulled his arm out of Liam’s grip.

Liam wanted to grab him again and ask him what the hell was going on, but they were approaching the desk. This wasn’t the right time to have that conversation.

They waited no more than a minute before Detective Cower appeared and took all of them back to a small interview room.

“Please take a seat, this shouldn't take too long.” He gestured.

Zayn took a deep breath and could barely keep himself from shaking. His heart was pounding in his ears. There were a couple times he thought he might pass out.

“Zayn sweetheart, are you alright?” His mother asked as she watched him tentatively sit down.

Liam’s hand came across his back, guiding him at the exact same time. Maybe Liam was imagining things but Zayn seemed to try to shrug him off. It hurt… a lot. But there was no time to address it.

“Thank-you for coming down on such short notice,” Detective Cower said closing the door and taking a seat himself, “There were some things we wanted to talk to you about in person. But first I want to know how you’re doing? How’s everything?”

Zayn didn’t have any desire for small talk; he just wanted to get this over with. Being here in this cold box-like room sitting across from this detective made him uncomfortable. The last time he was talking to a detective, it was one of the hardest experiences of his life. There was no way he could survive that if he had to relive that again.

But Zayn, the ever polite boy, answered anyway, “I’m okay, thanks for asking.”

“Good, good! I’m really glad to hear that.”

Zayn could tell the detective meant it, but he didn’t really care. He wanted him to just get on with it. This felt like torture. He was tired of being tortured.

“Is there a problem?” Yaser asked, almost like he was reading Zayn’s mind.

Detective Cower took a deep breath, “Let me start with some good news okay?”

Zayn just closed his eyes and tried to push down the panic. So there were complications like he feared. Barry was going to get off with just a slap on the wrist; Zayn felt like that was what the detective was about to tell him.

“Just like I told Mr. Horan a little while ago, you guys don’t have to stay in LA any longer if you don’t want to. I know he’s been dying to head back to London and I want to tell you can go right ahead if you’d like to.”

Zayn barely nodded, he could care less about going anywhere. If Barry was free, he was sure he’d find a way to get his hands on Zayn no matter where he was in the world.

“That’s good to know,” Yaser said.

“Of course, we’re going to need him to come back if we need his help with anything, but until than by all means, if you want to go home than go right ahead.”

“What is wrong though? I can tell something is wrong!” Zayn nearly yelled, finally finding his voice.

He just couldn’t stand it anymore. Zayn felt like he was going to have a heart attack if they didn’t tell him what was wrong right now.

The detective took a deep breath, “We are bringing several charges against Barry Anderson that are the product of what transpired in that hotel room. We are confident in those charges and our prosecutor is busy building a solid case so we can get him the biggest punishment allowed by the law. But Zayn, about everything else you told us, we believe you and we believe he did those things to you. However, right now it’s only your word against his and we have not been about to find any evidence or witnesses that can corroborate your story. As of now, we just don’t have enough evidence to bring charges against Barry for those allegations.”

Zayn felt like he was falling, like his entire body had gone limp and he was free falling from a 50 story building. He was just waiting for his body to slam into the ground.

They weren’t going to charge Barry with anything, ANYTHING that had happened the entire time he was in the band?! All those attacks, all those rapes, all that pain and he was going to get away with it. Zayn always feared it, prepared himself for it even, but the pain was so much worse than he could have ever anticipated.

Liam saw Zayn’s face and as much as he had ten thousands things to say, ask, scream at the detectives, he just focused on Zayn. His arm wrapped tightly around Zayn and he pulled his limp body close to his.

“You’re fucking kidding right?! He’s just going to get off?!” Yaser yelled.

“No! No absolutely not! He’s still looking at over 30 years in prison if he’s convicted of all charges that we can bring against him now!”

Zayn just let Liam hold him as all his fears gathered in one spot and formed a solid mass in the center of his chest. His entire life was a nightmare he couldn’t wake up from.

“Thirty years is not enough for what he did!” Liam said as he kept his arms encircled around Zayn.

The detective’s face showed his sincerity but it meant nothing to any of them, “I agree with you, I do! But we can’t risk going forward with something we just don’t have enough evidence to feel confident…”

“So I’m a liar?” Zayn asked his voice low.

“No Zayn, I believe you. We believe you! We just don’t want to give him any leverage. We don’t want to waste our one chance to get this guy until we have enough evidence.”

Zayn felt rage like he had never felt rage before. He pulled himself up and away from Liam and glared at the detective. He didn’t care that this guy was on his side.

“What else could you possibly want from me? I told you everything he did to me, everything! Would it have been easier if he gave me a disease or something from screwing me so many times, so you could be sure he really did it?”

He’s Mum gasped a at Zayn’s outburst as both she and Liam reached for him. He shook them both off.

“Zayn, I know you’re upset but it’s not about that at all. We need more than your statement, there needs to be something to back up your statements.”

“How about the fact that he held me against my will in some hotel room because he threatened to fuck my friend the same way he fucked me for five years. He beat the shit out of me with a god damn belt only to force himself on me again because he’s gets off on stuff like that?! How does that not help my case against him?”

Zayn was so angry; he could feel the heat coming off his face. HIs hands were gripping his thighs as he tried to get his breathing back to normal. The room was dead quiet as they all saw no false statement in Zayn’s brutally honest words.

“That’s not…” Detective Cower started.

“Yeah, that’s not enough, I know,” Zayn said feeling the anger slipping away and feeling nothing but defeat drape over him.

All he wanted to do was leave and lock himself away in the bedroom that was now solely his because Liam had apparently no desire to be near him anymore. What was the point of any of this? Zayn couldn't stop that question from popping up in his head.

“Can I leave?” he asked pushing the chair back. He was ready to stand up and run from the room.

Detective Cower sighed, “You can but…”

“I want to leave!” he said to his Mum, his dad, Liam, whoever was listening, not caring that he cut the detective off. He had no desire to hear anything else he had to say.

“Zayn, baby, I know you’re upset but I think we should let him finish,” his Mum said gently.

“Yeah Zayn, we should let him finish,” Liam agreed, reaching for his hand.

He yanked it away and eyed Liam hard for just a moment. Liam immediately withdrew, shocked by the reaction from Zayn. If Zayn was anywhere else, dealing with anything else he’d feel horrible for treating Liam like this, but right now he didn’t care at all.

“I don’t care what he has to say.” he said.

“Well, I care,” his Mum said back, “Please detective… just say what you need to say.”

Detective Cower only hesitated a minute, “We are looking for more evidence. We are reaching out to anyone who had connections to Barry. No one’s talking yet, but people have to know things. And the more his guilt becomes apparent, the more people will turn against him. I’m confident we will get the evidence we need to prosecute him for what he did all those years, but we just need to be a little patient. I am not going to give up on you Zayn.”

It was too late for Zayn. He felt hopeless and felt like he had just been abused all over again. What was the point of him telling detail after horrific detail to his parents and the police for them to tell him we need to hold off for right now? His memories, his pain wasn't being held off. He lived with it twenty four hours a day. There was no holding off on any of that.

“Can we please leave?” he begged to anyone who would listen. His voice cracking from the lack of strength he in his body.

“Absolutely,” his Dad said, “Is there anything else you need to tell us?” he asked the detective.

He shook his head, “Not right now. But we will need to speak to you again Zayn if we find anything else. I need to know we have your full cooperation in this.”

Zayn once again felt like he had no control, but he was so used to it. it was more normal than not. “Yeah sure,” he said standing up.

Liam saw his shoulders hunched and how uneasyhe was on his feet. Instinctively he wrapped his arm around him. Zayn just shrugged him off once more. Liam just stood there dumbfounded. He had no clue why he was pushing him away like that and if Zayn didn't look like he was about to break he would have demanded answers right there. Instead, he just watched as Zayn walked away from him towards the door. He felt utterly useless.

“Zayn,” Detective Cower called out, “If you think of anything or anyone who might help, please call me.”

Zayn only responded with a nod as he left the room completely broken.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always everyone, thank you SOOOOO much for commenting and leaving kudos and reading! I've been excited about finishing up the edits on this next chapter and posting! I really hope you guys like it!!! I'm already working on editing the next chapter so hopefully I finish it soon so I can update!!! Thanks and enjoy!

The ride home was torture. Zayn had never wanted to jump from a moving vehicle more than he did right now. His parents were in a heated hushed conversation in the front seat and Zayn was stuck in the back next to Liam. Liam, who couldn’t stop staring at him, Liam, who Zayn knew was just pleading to make eye contact so he could ask him what was wrong. Well, Zayn wasn’t about to give him that.

It was so stupid, so juvenile when he really thought about it. He was mad at Liam because he hasn’t been lying with him at night. If he had to say that out loud to anyone, they would probably laugh in his face. But they would be missing the point. They would be missing what it really meant to Zayn.

The nights were always the worst hours of his day. He barely slept more than a few hours at a time, always being woken up by nightmares. Liam used to keep them at bay, used to make him feel safe. Now there were moments of such terror that Zayn had to put all the lights on in order to relax enough to fall back to sleep. In those hazy moments of early mornings, he couldn’t shake the fear that Barry was lurking in the shadows.

Liam had been his rock. Liam had been the one solid thing he felt comfortable enough to cling to when things got hard. It was like a ship in a storm, looking for that lighthouse. Zayn was in the worst storm of his life and he felt like the light house had turned off its light. He was angry and hurt and too much of a coward to say to Liam’s face.

Zayn still harbor fears that Liam was going to wake up one morning and realize that he didn’t want him. He was just a used up piece of garbage. It’s hard to talk those things out of your head when you feel them about yourself. And now that Zayn felt like Liam had abandoned him, Zayn was sure his fears were valid. But confronting him about it… what if he heard something he wasn’t ready for? No, he couldn’t do that. He would just rather shrink away until Liam forgot he existed.

It felt like years before they finally pulled up in front of Liam’s house and Zayn was able to open the door. The air in the car felt tight, like it was trapping him, and he needed the fresh air to breath. He jumped out of the car but stood still, letting Liam nearly get in the house before he moved from his spot. Maybe it was childish to avoid Liam this blatantly, but he didn’t care. He was hurting so much that he couldn’t see how much he was hurting Liam.

Liam threw his keys on the table by the door and made a beeline into the kitchen. He felt like crying or maybe hitting something. It was pretty obvious that Zayn was purposefully keeping his distance from Liam and Liam felt crushed by it. It was a funny way to solidify how much he was in love with Zayn, by feeling the pain of his rejection.

Voices were coming towards him in the kitchen and he had took suck it up; keep the tears locked away right there behind his eyes. Whatever it was that was going on between Zayn and him, was not something he was about to discuss in front of Trisha and Yaser.

All three Malik’s entered the kitchen and Liam kept his eyes on Zayn, but Zayn just avoided his.

“Are you okay?” Yaser asked, “You haven’t said anything since we left.”

“There is nothing to say. Barry’s going to get away with what he did. What else is there to discuss?”

The defeat in Zayn’s voice was so obvious. It was killing Liam to see him like that.

“But that’s not it at all Zayn. He isn’t going to get away with it. They want to take your case. They want him to pay for everything he did. There just being careful and want more evidence so he can’t weasel his way out of it.” Trisha told him, walking over and pushing the hair behind his ears.

“Yea, I guess,” he said emotionless.

Liam couldn’t help but notice how he didn’t push her hand away or avoid her touch. It was only Liam he seemed to want to stay away from him. It was like a knife was slowly twisting in his gut.

“Zayn, you’re Mother and I…” Yaser started.

“We can talk about that later!” Trisha interrupted.

“No, now or later is going to change anything. Your Mother and I were talking and we think maybe we should go back to England, you included. We think getting away from here, from all the horrible memories that are here, will help your recovery.” Yaser told him gently.

Zayn was surprised. He was free to leave if he wanted too, but he hadn’t actually considered going anywhere. Here or there wouldn’t make a difference. He’d feel his pain anywhere he went. The continent he was on wasn’t going to change any of that.

Zayn looked at his Mum as she continued to stroke his hair, “I don’t know. I’m settled here, my therapist is here. The detectives might need me.”

“I really think it’s for the best Zayn,” Yaser said again.

“I’m not sure…” Zayn repeated.

“What do you think Liam?” Yaser asked.

Liam felt on the spot. As soon as Yaser mentioned leaving he felt tightness in his chest. He wasn’t sure how Zayn was going to respond and he was hoping he didn’t have to say too much about the subject at least in front of Trisha and Yaser.

Leaving LA was probably the best thing to do and it had been on Liam’s mind for a while. He was going to talk to Zayn about going back to England but he wanted him to come to Surrey and stay with him. And there is no way he could say that in front of Zayn’s parents.

He took a deep breath, “I… I… think going back to England might be a good idea.”

It was instant. Zayn’s eyes finally looked at him, but there was no softness. They were hard. They were angry. They were cold.

“You know what, seeing as how you all seem to be in agreement on this, there’s no need to even discuss it,” Zayn said, nearly spitting his words at them.

Yaser and Trisha were clearly taken back, rarely seeing this kind of attitude from Zayn. But Liam was in shock. It wasn’t the tone of his voice or the bit in his words. It was the harsh, bitter look in his eyes, the look that he was sending right to Liam.

“Zayn, sweetheart, this is your life and we all only want what’s going to be best for you. Of course it’s open for discussion. It’s your decision to make. Don’t be like this.” Trisha said trying to calm him down.

“No, no, honestly, it’s for the best. No need to stay _here_ anymore. You can start checking flights and when can head back whenever you guys are ready.” Zayn said his tone harsh.

Liam just stood stone still trying to make sense of Zayn’s anger. He had no idea why he was doing this and why it was directed at him.

Zayn pushed himself off the wall, “I’m going to go start packing. I’ve left stuff all over this place. It will probably take me awhile,” and he turned and headed out of the kitchen without another word.

A stunned silence settled over the room for a long moment before Yaser spoke, “Well, that didn't go as expected.”

Trisha looked at Yaser before looking at Liam, who was on the verge of a breakdown. He felt like someone had ripped his heart out of his chest and stomped on it. Liam wasn’t sure if Trisha saw the pain in his eyes or just took a really lucky guess. But either way, he was grateful for what she did.

“Honey, why don’t you and I go out and pick something up for dinner. No one has it in them to cook and maybe Liam can talk to Zayn and make him feel better.”

She looked at Liam again and gave him a soft smile. Liam was scared to talk to Zayn. He had no idea what was going to happen if he did, but he knew he had too. And he was so appreciative to Trisha for giving them the opportunity to do it privately.

“Yeah... yeah, we should do that. Are you okay with that Liam?” Yaser asked.

“Sure,” Liam said, trying to keep his voice voided of any telling emotion.

Yaser just smiled and nodded, before turning away from Liam.

 

************

                Zayn stood at the foot of Liam’s bed with an open duffle bag. He was busy trying to sort his belongs so he could pack in some kind of order. To be honest though, he wasn’t really paying attention to what he was doing. This was just a distraction from the horrible events of the day that Zayn couldn’t seem to get out of his head.

                He knew it wasn’t all Liam’s fault, but Liam was the one person that made him feel just a little better since this whole ordeal began. When the days were tough, Liam made the nights better. But now he was alone. And hearing that Liam was in agreement about sending him back to England, well that was just too much for him to bare.

                Suddenly, there was a soft knock on the door, interrupting his thoughts. Zayn half turned around and expected to find his Mum, but Liam was looking back at him.

“Hey, can I come?” he asked softly.

                Zayn, half surprised half annoyed, shrugged and went back to the clothing scattered on the bed, “It’s your room, you can do whatever you want.”

                Liam took a sharp intake of breath and tried to relax. The last thing he wanted was to bombard Zayn with a million questions, “Well… I was hoping we could talk.” he said.

                Zayn paused, his back still to Liam. Was he prepared for what might be on the other side of this conversation?

                “I don’t know. We don’t have a lot of privacy right now.” Zayn said, clearly trying to avoid this confrontation.

                “Your parents went to go pick up dinner. We’re alone.” Liam informed him.

                So there it was, there was no way out of this. The conversation was going to happen, no matter how scared he was of what Liam wanted to say. He was preparing himself for worst, but nothing ever really prepares you for the worst. He dropped the shirt he was holding in his hands but he stood still and said nothing.

                “Zayn what the hell is going on?” Liam asked.

                He couldn’t hold back anymore. Liam felt attacked and he felt the attack was unwarranted. He had no intent to go at Zayn, but his feelings were starting to get the best of his composure.

                “Nothing, I’m just starting to pack… ya know, since I’m going back to England.” Zayn didn’t mean for the edge to be so noticeable in his voice, but it was there and once it was out of his mouth, there was no going back.

                “Okay…” Liam said picking up on the tone right away, “Well… it’s obviously not nothing, so can you please just talk to me?”

                Zayn closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “Why? So you can just tell me what I want to hear again?”

                Liam felt like he had just been slapped. It took a minute or two to recover, but once he did he closed the gap between him and Zayn and stood right behind him.

                “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Liam asked, he was offended and he wanted Zayn to know that.

                “Nothing, Liam… it means nothing…”

Zayn could feel Liam behind him. His closeness already breaking down Zayn’s resolve.

Liam’s hand came up and touched Zayn’s shoulder. Zayn immediately shrugged him off making Liam wanted to cry again.

“It’s not nothing Zayn! You won’t even let me put my friggin hand on your shoulder! Like… what did I do?” Liam pleaded, needing answers.

He didn’t mean to show how distressed he was feeling but it came out involuntarily. Liam was literally holding back his tears and he knew Zayn could hear it in his voice.

“Liam…” Zayn started, very obviously about to blow him off again, but Liam wouldn’t let him finish.

“Dammit Zayn, can you at least turn around and look at me? Like if you’re not going to tell me what’s wrong can you at least look me in the eye when I’m talking to you?” he begged.

Zayn let out a long breath and slumped forward. There was reason he was keeping his back to Liam. He knew all his defensive would crumble the moment he looked him the eye. But, he couldn’t say no to Liam, he never could. He slowly turned around until they were face to face.

Liam reached forward to touch him again but stopped scared to be rejected for the umpteenth time today. “Please Zayn… just… just talk to me.”

And Zayn couldn’t keep it in any longer, Liam’s eyes finally breaking him down, “Why didn’t you just tell me Liam? Why did you leave me?”

Liam was confused, “Leave you? Wha… What are you talking about? I’ve been here the entire time.”

Zayn dropped his head, shaking it in response, fighting back his tears, “No, Liam… you… Why didn’t you just tell me this wasn’t something you wanted? All I ever wanted was honesty and you just…” Zayn trailed off his emotions choking his voice.

“And I just what Zayn?” Liam pleaded, “I need to know what I did so I can fix it!”

It sounded so juvenile and stupid even in Zayn’s own head, how was he supposed to say something that sounded so ridiculous out loud? Liam was going to laugh him away.

“You know the nights are the hardest for me. You know I have horrible nightmares and those nightmares have gotten worse now that Barry… How could you leave me all alone to deal with those things? Why didn’t you just tell me this was all becoming too much for you?” Zayn said as he sniffled, wiping away the few tears that had escaped.

                Liam stood there and let it sink in. The confusion washed away to guilt. There was no excuse for what he did. And there was no excuse for his lack of communication about it.

                “Oh, oh god Zayn no!” he said taking a step closer, closing their gap even more. “Oh god, I should have known this was about me sleeping on the couch and I should have been honest with you. I am so, so, so sorry! I… god I wanted to lay with you, I swear I did!”

“Then why didn’t you?!” Zayn asked with anger in his voice.

“Because you’re Dad…”

The words stunned Zayn body and he grew rigid. He interrupt Liam immediately, “What about my father?”

He wasn’t sure what Liam was about to tell him. Had his father said something? Was Liam embarrassed to be so intimate in front of him? Was it something he hadn’t even thought about?

“He walked in here that first night, after you had fallen asleep. We were curled up together and I was touching you, not in an intimate way but it was intimate, ya know? And he stared at me... hard. I was scared that he was upset about it. After everything that had just happened, I thought maybe he thought I was trying to take advantage of you. I really thought he was going to kick my arse.” Liam chuckled just a little at the end, realizing how ridiculous it all sounded now that he was saying it to Zayn.

Zayn stared at Liam, “You’re kidding right? You want me to believe that you left me, when I need you the most... THE MOST... because you thought my Dad was going to beat you up? Come on Liam!” Zayn was having a hard time believing him.

“Hey, I’m NOT lying. You know I’m not a liar! It’s the truth. It’s stupid, I know, but it’s the truth! And not for nothing Zayn but… like… it has been five days, FIVE DAYS, since that night and you didn’t say a word to me about how you were feeling! I 100% take responsibility for not explaining to you what happened. There is no excuse for it. And I am so, so sorry that I caused you any pain! But you CAN’T just let something like this go unsaid! I can’t read your mind. I don’t always know when I mess up and hurt you. You have to talk me. You can’t just push me away!”

Liam hadn’t meant to get angry and have at Zayn but it needed to be said. Zayn had a lot on his plate, Liam understood, but he still needed to communicate. They both needed to communicate.

Zayn hung his head in shame. There was truth to Liam’s words, “I’m sorry, Liam.” he whispered.

Liam came even closer and used two of his fingers to lift Zayn’s chin. Zayn let him, but he avoided his stare.

“Please look at me,” Liam whispered.

Zayn just couldn’t say no to Liam, so he reluctantly looked into Liam’s eyes. They were soft and warm and loving and Zayn wanted to fall into them but all those doubts were still there. Liam’s words didn’t fix everything, even though Zayn desperately wanted them too.

“I don’t want you to say you’re sorry, because I’m the one who should be sorry. I should have told you what happened with your Dad and we could have figured it out together. I should have never left you alone, EVER! But I want you to say understand that you need to say something when I do something wrong. You can’t just pull away from like you did!”

“It doesn’t matter Liam, none of this matters. We both know what you want and what you are telling me you want are two different things. I don’t know why you just can’t be honest with me!” Zayn said suddenly, surprising even himself.

Liam actually felt the words hit him in the face and he pulled his body back just a bit. He watched as Zayn tried to turn away, but he grabbed his arm firmly to hold him in place.

“No! What the hell is this all about? I do not want something different than what I’m telling you! Why would you say something like that to me?”

Zayn tried to shrug him off but Liam didn’t let go, “Just let me go Liam!” Zayn demanded.

“No way! No… you’re going to talk to me! You’re going to tell me what this is all about… please?”

Liam’s voice cracked at the end as tears were right on the brim of his eyes. When he blinked a few of them fell down his cheeks. Zayn was holding his heart in his hands, capable of squeezing the life out of him at any moment.

It killed Zayn to see the tears on Liam’s face, “You can say all these things Liam, but I think you made your feelings pretty clear when you agreed with my parents. You want me to go back to England… you want me to leave…”

And that was all it took for more tears to fall down Zayn’s cheeks. Liam wanted him gone. The one person keeping him from completely losing it, wanted to get rid of him.

Liam looked at him and his own face contorted, “Dear god Zayn, NO! They put me on the spot and I couldn’t get out exactly what I meant when…”

“But you do agree with them?” Zayn asked.

“Yes, but…”

Zayn lowered his head and cried, his heart broken. Liam tried to pull him close, but Zayn pushed him away, “No, don’t touch me!”

“Can I please finish?” Liam pleaded.

“What’s there to finish!?”

“Jesus Christ Zayn, can you just stop for two seconds and let me talk!?” Liam yelled.

Zayn stopped and fell silent. Liam rarely yelled and he had never yelled at him.

“I do think you should go back to England… but… with me! I want us to go together. I want you to come stay with me in Surrey! I’ve been thinking about it for a while actually, but I wanted to talk to you about it privately. And then your Dad asked me and I… I didn’t want to cause any problems. You were already put off by the idea. I didn’t want your Father to think I was influencing your decisions!” Liam explained.

To say Zayn was speechless would be an understatement. He had not been expecting that. He had let all those little thoughts in his head feed on his doubts and fears. Now, he just stood still and silent staring at Liam.

“That’s the god's honest truth, okay? I want you to come live with me in Surrey.”

Liam let his hand graze Zayn’s cheek for a moment before Zayn fell into Liam’s arms. Zayn wrapped his arms around Liam’s neck and buried his face in his neck.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m just overwhelmed Liam. I’m scared and overwhelmed and I’m having a hard time dealing with everything. I let my head get away from me and I…”

Liam pulled him back so they were face to face and pushed his lips onto Zayn’s, stopping the rambling. Zayn was getting worked up and Liam could tell, he hoped this would relax and calm him.

It worked, Zayn stopped talking and melt in Liam’s kiss, the tension in his body slipping away. When they finally broke apart Zayn’s eyes stayed closed and Liam brought him back into an embrace.

“I need you to tell me all those things. I need you to let me know what your feeling when you’re feeling it because I can’t help you if you don’t. I don’t care if you’ve told me the same thing ten thousand times before, tell me ten thousand more! All I want is to help you.”

Zayn nodded against his shoulder, “Okay, okay, I will. I’m just so sorry...”

“No, I’m the one that’s sorry Zayn. I’ll never do that to you again, I promise!” Liam said his hugging him tightly.

After embracing a little longer, Zayn pulled away. He looked at Liam’s face and wondered again how this perfect man was here. The doubts were still there, but like always, Liam’s presence pushed them away.

“I’m having a hard time Liam. It’s different than before… what he did this time… it really fucked up my head.”

“Hey, listen to me! You have been through more than most people could handle and I think you’re doing a great job. But it’s going to be hard because what you went through was horrible. But remember you’re not alone; I’m here right next to you, always! We will get through this. I love you so much Zayn.”

Liam brought his hands up to cut Zayn’s face and he pulled him into another soft deep kiss. Zayn let everything about Liam, his words, his lips, his hands, wash over him.

“What if Barry gets off?” Zayn said as they pulled away, his fear showing.

“That’s not going to happen. He’s going to jail for what he did to you and Niall!”

“But what about everything else Liam?” Zayn asked, “What if he never gets punished for that!?”

“They will get him for that too! I really believe that! But… he’s still going to get justice for something! And he’s going to be gone from your life for good and you can finally heal!” Liam said.

And Zayn wanted to, he wanted Liam’s words to be reality. He wanted to know what it felt like to wake up in a world where Barry wasn’t a threat. Maybe he could really heal; maybe he could silence all those doubts for good.

Liam took Zayn’s hand and pulled him over to the bed before laying down on it. He pulled on Zayn’s hand silently asking Zayn to join him.

“What is this?” Zayn asked.

“I want you to lay with me. I think I owe you a lot of extra hours to make up for the past couple days.”

Zayn let himself smile, just a little, “Liam…”

“Come on Zayn, come lay next to me. Let me hold you,” his eyes pleading as much as his voice.

Zayn wanted nothing more than that. He climbed down next to Liam and instantly curled next to him, feeling like he was home, where he belonged.

“I love you so much Liam. I was such a jerk, I’m so sorry!”

Liam just leaned down and kissed him one last time, “Stop apologizing! You didn’t do anything wrong and I learned my lesson. It’s all over now! And I love you too Zayn, so much!”

His demons weren’t exercised. His worries weren’t quieted. His fears weren’t gone. But he had Liam and right now that was enough.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you guys so so so so much for all the comments and interests and likes (kudos) I keep getting on the story! All the interest just keeps getting me more and more excited to work on this! I'm so sorry that my update is so much later than I promised. I had some personal stuff kind of sneak up on me on Friday and kept me a little preoccupied! But everything is good so I can hopefully work on this a little quicker and get the next chapter edited! Anyway, here is this Chapter. I hope you guys enjoy it! Thanks again!!!!

                Zayn opened his eyes only to be met with darkness. His chest was tight and he knew he had just had another nightmare, but he couldn’t really remember any of it. He just knew he’d had one. Maybe that was a sign of some improvement he thought to himself. He’d never had a nightmare he couldn’t remember.

                “You alright?” a sleepy voice mumbled behind him as they threw their arm around Zayn’s waist and pulled him close.

                Liam’s lips left a soft kiss on Zayn’s shoulder and he melted instantly. Liam had stayed. Liam was here next to him. It was all he could ever ask for.

                He pushed his body back into Liam’s and felt Liam settle against him, “I’m better now,” Zayn said.

                Liam let out just a soft chuckle, “Perfect. Good night love.”

                Zayn closed his eyes and melted under Liam’s embrace, feeling warm and safe and content. How had he ever survived without Liam surrounding him like this? He wasn’t sure and he never wanted to find out again.

                The first half of Zayn’s day had been brutal. Everything the police had told him about Barry was a really tough pill to swallow. Zayn didn’t know how he would get through it if Barry got off. Even with Liam by his side, it might too much for him to handle. He was trying not thinking about it though, that’s what Liam had told him as they laid in each other’s arms early. Don’t think about the what-if’s, just focus on now. Zayn was going to try his hardest to do just that.

His day didn’t get much better when they returned to Liam’s house. There was that conversation with his parents about going to back to England and then Liam blindsiding him with an agreement. It was like he was being sucker punched left and right. So Zayn took off. He stopped fighting them, agreed and locked himself away from everyone and everything.

But then Liam came after him. Liam forced him to open up and talk about what was really going on. And he didn’t hold back. He called Zayn out for the things he was being unfair about. Liam owned up to his mistakes too. And then just like that, they were okay again.

                It made Zayn feel like pieces of him were starting to glue back together. There were times that he felt like a real person again. Everyone was so careful with, treating him like he was fragile. But Liam kept treating him like he was just Zayn. Zayn couldn’t explain just how grateful he was for that. If there had any been any doubts about how he felt about Liam, they were long gone now.

                He tried to settle into the peaceful feeling of Liam’s rhythmic breaths and the softness of his skin. He wanted just to drift back into sleep wrapped up in the man he loved. But the longer he lay there, the more sleep evaded him.

                It wasn’t long before he was shimming out from under Liam and quietly walking down the stairs. Maybe a late night snack or just a peaceful few moments out on the back porch would clear his head enough to help him back to sleep. As he strolled down the hallway, the flickering of a TV light from the den caught his eye. He stuck his head in and was surprised to find his Dad awake with the remote in his hand.

                Before he could turn away, Yaser looked at him, “Hey Zayn, what are you doing up?”

                “Couldn’t fall back to sleep, you?”

                “I couldn’t fall asleep at all,” he told him with a laugh, “It must be Malik man thing.”

                Zayn laughed at his joke but it soon feel quiet, except for the low volume on the TV.

                “You can join me if you’d like,” Yaser said, breaking the awkwardness.

                Zayn didn’t hesitate to walk into the room and take a seat next to his dad on the sofa. He hated how tense it felt. This was his father for godsakes. They too were once close and now, it was like they were almost strangers. It was things like this that made him hate Barry even more.

                After a few more silent moments Yaser spoke, “How are you doing Zayn? I know today was really hard for you and it didn’t help that your Mother and I jumped the gun a little with traveling back to England.”

                Zayn wasn’t sure what he should say. He had barely started opening up to his Mother about what was going on between him and Liam. He wasn’t sure he was ready to have that conversation with his Dad. He decided to avoid it for the time being.

                “I’m doing okay. I feel better.”

                Yaser grimaced slightly and looked away from Zayn. He seemed upset and Zayn wasn’t sure why. Zayn hesitated in asking him if he was okay.

                Yaser took the opportunity and hit the mute on the remote and turned his whole body towards Zayn, “I want to talk to you…”

                Zayn swallowed around nothing and just nodded his head. This was going to be one of those serious talks that could be two or two hundred minutes. It had been a long time since he had one of those talks with his Dad. Now his nerves were on edge.

                “I’ve wanted to talk to you about this for a while, but… I don’t know son. The time just never seems right. I want to know how you’re really doing. I feel like you don’t talk me anymore.”

                Yaser’s eyes were pleading. He was desperate for his son to open up to him, he felt so disconnected.

                Zayn took a deep breath, “I’m not sure what I’m feeling. Sometimes I really am fine and then other times, certain things will hit me out of nowhere and I’m a mess.”

“You can talk to me about them if you want to.”

Zayn could tell his Dad really wanted this, needed this even, and as apprehensive he was about it he continued anyway.

“I'm scared Dad,” he found himself admitting, “What if Barry does actually gets away with what he did?”

Yaser’s face tightened, “There is no way that's going to happen. He's going to go to prison for what he did to you and Niall!”

“But what if it doesn't? What if he weasels his way out of it. I know how these things happen you know? It's easier just to give them a plea deal or a shorter sentence because it’s easier!” Zayn said, his fears seeping out.

“That's not going to happen, Zayn. He's going to get the most severe punishment allowable! No matter what I have to do, I'll make sure of that!”

Zayn felt his breath started to speed up, his fears showing their hand now, “You don't understand. He knows people, he has connections. He can get out of anything! He's going to wiggle out of this with a slap on the wrist and I'm never going to be safe! He's going to keep coming for me, he's going to keep taking what he wants when he wants…”

Zayn was growing hysterical. His body was shaking at just the thought of Barry walking free again. If that ever happened, Barry would never stop. Zayn would never be safe.

“Hey, Hey!” Yaser said scooting closer to Zayn and touched his shoulder, “Look at me Zayn. I want you to look right into my eyes, okay?”

Zayn listened and felt his emotions welling up into liquid in his eyes.

“I don't care what kind of ‘power’ he has or he told you he has. There is no way that I would ever, EVER, let him even breath the same air as you! He's not going to come near you ever again! Do you understand me?”

Zayn couldn't stop it before it escaped his mouth, “How, how could you possibly do that?! No one could protect me for five years, what makes you think anyone can now!?”

A few tears escaped down Zayn’s face as his anger and pain came out. He had been forgotten, overlooked. No one noticed the torture he was experiencing. No one helped him when Zayn was silently screaming for someone, anyone, to do just that.

His Dad’s hand touched his cheek, “There is nothing I can say, to express to you how sorry I am. My one job as your father was to protect you always, and I failed you. If I would have known, if I would have found out what he was doing to you, I would have taken care of him myself!”

Zayn closed his eyes and let himself cry a few more tears. He cried for the kid he was before all this. He cried for the life he could have had. He cried for all the things he lost because of what had been done to him.

Yaser pulled him close and embraced him tightly. It wasn't till his Dad spoke that Zayn realized his Dad was crying too, “I'm so sorry Zayn. I wish I could make you understand just how much I wish I could go back and protect you.”

“Dad, dad, please don't… this wasn't… I kept quiet because I was terrified. I can't blame anyone for this but myself.”

“Stop it Zayn, stop that right now! You were a scared kid who had no idea the kind of people you were going to be surrounded by. We as your family should have been more involved, we should have been able to tell something wasn't right. We are your parents and we should have known…”

Zayn kept crying softly, not sure what else to say. The lack of sleep and emotional stress of the day was making this already hard conversation harder.

“I miss you Dad,” Zayn blurted out again, “I miss you a lot.”

Yaser pulled away and smiled at Zayn, “I miss you too. We were so close and now I feel like we barely say two words to each other… I just… I just want my son back.”

It hurt Zayn to hear his father say those things. Their distance had caused a void between them that was hurting both of them. This was a wakeup call. Zayn wanted to fix this.

“I'm sorry I pulled away, but things were so complicated. I didn't know how to hide it around you guys. I was scared you would figure it out or at least Mum would, and… I couldn’t have that! He would have hurt someone else!”

Zayn tried not to think about all the times Barry had threatened his sisters or the other guys. That was the biggest reason Zayn kept quiet, the fear of him hurting someone else.

Yaser’s hand came back up on Zayn’s shoulder, “You were so strong for everyone else Zayn. I wish you didn’t think you had to be, but I can’t say that I don’t get it. But I know now and there is no reason for you to hide anything from us! Let me do the hard stuff for once, okay?”

Zayn didn’t know he needed to hear something like that till just now. HIs Dad’s words being exactly what he needed.

“Thanks Dad,” he said hugging his Father again.

When they pulled away, Yaser looked at Zayn, “Since we're opening up and talking about things, can I ask you a question? Barry wasn't the only reason you pulled away from us was it?”

Zayn was trying to read his father's eyes because he wasn't really sure what he was getting at. But his father wasn't giving anything away; there was nothing to read in his eyes.

“I'm not sure what you mean Dad,” Zayn said.

“I’m talking about you and Liam...”

Silence filled the room as Zayn tried to remind himself to breath. Having this conversation with his Mother was one thing, but his Father was another. In all the ways his Mother was gentle and understanding, his Dad was tough and critical. Zayn wasn't sure if the other side of this conversation would be great or horrible. And honestly, he wasn't sure he wanted to find out.

“Dad…” Zayn said.

“I'm not stupid Zayn, I can tell something is going on between you and Liam. Is that part of the reason why you pulled away? Did you think I would have a problem with that?” Yaser asked.

There was vulnerability in his eyes and there was pain too. Zayn was so ashamed he made his Dad feel like this. Zayn was ashamed of so much.

He looked away from his Dad and an unexpected sob come out of his throat, “I'm so sorry, god I'm so sorry!” He cried.

“Hey!” Yaser said grabbing for him again, “Hey, no, don't apologize! I’m sorry! I didn't mean… dammit! I'm so sorry! I was not accusing you… I just… I just want to know what is going on in your life Zayn. And I want you to know I don't care what that is as long as it makes you happy! If you and Liam are together, than that's okay! I just want you to know that you can talk to me about it. You can talk to me about anything!”

Zayn sniffled and stared at his Dad’s face looking for confirmation of his words. Why couldn't he just believe what he was saying, this was his father! How deep was the damage that he couldn't even believe his own father?

“Zayn, if you’re gay or straight or bi or… anything. It doesn’t matter one bit to me! I love you exactly the same!” Yaser explained to him.

Zayn saw it then, when he searched in his eyes. The love and acceptance he was desperate for. He let his Dad pull him into his arms and for the first time in as long as he could remember he let his Dad hold him. They stayed wrapped up tight in an embrace for a long time.

“Thank-you, thank-you for telling me that.” Zayn said, his face still pressed into his Dad’s shoulder.

“I mean it Zayn. I don’t care who you’re dating as long as you’re happy. That’s all I ever want for you!” Yaser said, “Are you happy, with Liam I mean?”

Zayn thought about how Liam was that one shining light around all his darkness. He thought about how he good he felt when Liam was around him. Happy, that was one word he could use to describe it, but it was so much more than that.

“Yeah, Liam makes me very happy.” Zayn said as he pulled away, a small smile he couldn't keep from spreading across his lips, growing.

“I’m really glad to hear that! Liam is a great guy. I’ve always liked him. Although, I feel like I should have a talk with him, ya know? You’re my son after all… make sure he’s got good intentions.”

Zayn laughed a little, “He’s already scared of you. He told me he thought you were going to beat him up the other night.”

“What? I would never! I was just worried about you and thought maybe something happened! I feel bad now!”

“It’s okay, I told him he was out of his mind.” Zayn said.

“I hope he believed you,” Yaser said, “I do really feel bad.”

“Honestly, it’s okay. I told him you would never.”

Yaser nodded and then paused for a moment, “So… how long have you and him…?”

Zayn swallowed nervously. He was happy they had just had this heart to heart and aired all of the unspoken issues out on the table. But going into detail about him and Liam was scary. Everything between him and Liam was new and he wasn’t sure how to talk about it with anyone. But then again, not opening up half the reason he and his Dad had to have this conversation in the first place.

“I’m not really sure. We got really close again after I came back and things just progressed from there.” Zayn explained.

“Oh, so you and him weren’t together back when you were still in the band?” Yaser asked.

“No, it wasn’t until we reconnected. But I’ve always had feelings for Liam.” Zayn said.

“I’m sorry Zayn, I’m prying.”

Zayn did feel a little overwhelmed by his questions, but it was okay. He wanted to start rebuilding his relationship with his Dad and if this conversation was going to do that, than he could do it.

“No, it’s okay Dad, really. Ask me anything you want?”

Yaser hesitated a little, “Is Liam the first boy you’ve dated?”

Zayn thought back to the few boys that he was attracted to. They were teenage crushes and friends that shared curiosities and explorations. None of them made him feel anything close to what Liam did. Even when Barry started abusing him, the desire to be with Liam was still burning inside him.

“Yea, he’s the first boy I’ve ever dated.” Zayn said, leaving out all those other details.

“So does that mean that you’ve never…” and Yaser trailed off, something dawning in his eyes. He dropped his head trying to pretend he never said it, “I’m sorry I’m being too invasive. I really just want you to know if you ever have any questions about that stuff you can come to me! I’ll help you as best as I can!”

“Thanks Dad” Zayn said, smiling, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Yaser hesitated again before speaking, “So have you ever…”

Zayn chuckled a little at his Dad’s curiosity, “No… I mean… I guess… Barry was the only man I’ve ever… umm… he’s the only one I actually had… I had never had sex with a man before he…”

“That was not sex Zayn. It was the furthest thing from it.” Yaser explained to him, his face tightening with anger.

“I know that… It’s easier just to say it like that. The word... rape… is hard for me sometimes.”

Yaser took Zayn’s hand in his own, “I know it is and that’s okay, you’re working on that! I just want to make sure you understand that you didn’t do anything wrong. And what happened to you isn’t a reflection of who you are. I could have been anyone of you guys, but he…”

Zayn was quick to shake his head, “No Dad, he chose me over everyone else. He told me all the reasons it wasn’t anyone else. I fit right into what he was looking for!”

“Zayn, that doesn’t mean anything! Of course he told you all those things. It was to make you feel like everything that happened was somehow your fault. Because making you believe all those things was a way for him to keep you quiet. He knew you wouldn’t tell anyone if you felt ashamed, if you felt like you did something to cause it.” Yaser tried explaining.

Zayn let out a small snort, “That’s what the therapist keeps telling me.”

“Well she’s right and that’s why you need to keep seeing her. All the physical injuries will heal, but what he did to you in your mind is what could tear you apart and I couldn’t bare to watch it. I love you too much to lose you like that!”

Zayn just looked down at his hands. His brain was confusing most of the time because he saw everything everyone around him was saying. But, there were this little voice that would tell Zayn that everyone was just lying and no matter what, he couldn’t get rid of those doubts. It was painful and he prayed that with therapy and time maybe he could get rid of those voices.

Yaser just reached over and wrapped his arm around Zayn’s shoulder and pulled him close, “It’s going to get easier, I promise.”

Zayn just nodded and laid his head on his Dad’s shoulder, hoping his father was right. “So… you and Liam, huh?” he asked.

“Yea,” Zayn answered just the tiniest of grin spreading across his face.

He felt his Dad nodded his head, “I like that. I like him. He’s a good guy.”

Zayn laughed and it felt good, “Are you giving me your approval?”

“Of course I am! I’m your father. I need to make sure you’re with someone good enough for you. And Liam passes with flying colors.”

“Yeah, he’s pretty amazing.” Zayn said trying to hide slight blush that filled his face when he talked about Liam.

Zayn thought about Liam sleeping upstairs. He thought back to their argument and ultimately their make-up. He was going back to England just like his parents had suggested, just not with them. He was going to stay with Liam. He wasn’t sure if he should tell his Dad without his Mum or Liam there, but ultimately, it was decision and there was no sense dancing around it.

“Dad there is something I want to tell you.”

He looked at Zayn nervously, and Zayn instantly rushed to correct himself, “No, it’s nothing bad Dad. It’s good, or at least I think it’s good and I want to talk to you about it.”

Yaser seemed intrigued and happy that Zayn was sharing things with him again. Zayn never realized how much he missed this before, “Liam and I talked about me going back to England.”

“You did?” he asked surprised.

“Yea we did and I… I’m going to go back. It’s for the best and I think it might help me a little more than being here, like you guys said.”

Yaser was eyeing him, “But… I can feel a but coming.”

Zayn sighed wondering if he was that obvious, “Yea there is… I’m not going home with you and Mum or going back to London. I’m going to go stay with Liam in Surrey.”

Silence fell over them and Yaser looked away from Zayn for a few seconds before letting out a deep breath. Zayn was waiting for the protest and ultimately the fall out. But surprisingly, that didn’t happen. His dad just brought his eyes back to Liam’s and there was a soft smile on his face.

“I’m not going to tell you that I’m not upset you won’t be coming home with us or that you’re Mum isn’t going to be upset either, but I also am not going to tell you that you shouldn’t do this. You and Liam obviously care very deeply for another and he seems to have a very positive effect on your recovery. If I was in your position I would do the exact same thing.”

Zayn felt lighter for the first time in a long time, “You do, you’re not mad?”

“Absolutely not! You’ve been through so much Zayn and you deserve to have what you want. I think you’ve had enough of other people telling you what to do for a lifetime. As long as you’re getting better and you don’t push us away again, I couldn’t be happier.”

Zayn wrapped himself around his Dad one more time, wondering how he could have ever thought his Father would be anything less than supportive. Maybe it would be fleeting but he was feeling the strength to fight again. He was going to be strong for himself and try not to dwell on all the bad. There were so many good things in his life right now; he owed it to himself to savor them.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I'm going to start as I always do and say THANK-YOU to everyone for the comments and kudos and interest! Sorry this update was a little later then usual, but better late then never right? lol Anyway... I really hope you enjoy this Chapter and I, as always, am already editing the next chapter!!!

Niall stared at the tiles on the shower wall. The hot water had run out a long time ago but he was too lost in his own world to notice. His skin was numb by now anyway. This was probably the fourth shower he has taken in the last 36 hours, desperately trying to wash all the guilt and shame away. It hadn’t worked yet.

Niall had flown back to London the day after he ran into Liam and Zayn in that police station. There was no chance that he would be staying in LA any longer than he had too. That place carried too many reminders and right now all Niall wanted was to forget.

His parents had flown back to London with him, but his Dad traveled back to Ireland after a day. There wasn’t anything for him to do but sit around and watch Niall struggle and Niall refused to let him put work and life on hold any longer. He tried the same argument with his Mother but she adamantly refused to leave his side. Even his Dad agreed, one of them needed to stay with him.

They all thought leaving LA was the best idea. Niall couldn’t start to heal with so many reminders of what happened. He needed to be home, where he was comfortable. There had been a flicker of hope inside him that he would feel better once he returned home. But that didn't happen. If anything, he felt worse. Waking up from a nightmare in his own bed was enough to make him aware that there was no escaping what he was feeling.

Barry, the man was in his head more then he wasn't. His face, his voice, his hands, his... Niall hated that every time he closed his eyes, he would see him standing there, ready to inflict more pain. His neck had finally healed, but that was merely a physical reminder of what happened. The ones that were haunting him were in his head and they were so much deeper than skin.

Zayn’s anguish and pain, and sometimes even worse, filled his dreams night after night. When it wasn’t Zayn, it was Theo. And sometimes, when the nightmares were really bad, it was both of them. Always just too out of reach or he was just a little too late to do anything to save them.

Niall’s nightmares were filled with realities too. Sometimes he would relive moment after agonizing moment of the attack on Zayn, seeing the belt rip his skin apart or Barry force himself on Zayn. All Niall could see at those times, was the agony on Zayn’s face. It was like watching someone be killed slowly and there was nothing you could do to stop it. And deep down he knew he was partially to blame for all of it. No matter how many times people tried to make him believe he wasn’t.

There were other memories too. Ones of being forced to undress as a perpetrator, a predator watched intently; reliving the feeling of Barry’s body being pressed against his own as he whispered all the things he was going to do. There were recollections of unwanted hands in places that were supposed to be private.

Niall didn’t like thinking about those things the most. The shame that accompanied it was almost unbearable. And that filthy feeling, it made him want to peel every layer of skin off so it could grow back tarnish free. The skin he was living with now forever unclean.

But whenever those memories would creep back in Niall would think: who was he to think like that? Who was he to feel disgusted with himself for something as insignificant as gropes and touches? Zayn had been through ten thousand times worse. It didn’t matter how much it was killing him inside, Niall felt he had no right to feel any of it. So, he pushed it all down and hid all that pain from the world.

It had been awhile since Niall had spoken to any of the guys, besides that day at the police station. And it was time like these, when he was standing in a cold shower just letting his mind try to eat him alive, that he thought about them and how much he missed them. But at the same time, he felt the need to incubate himself away from anything and everything. Too many eyes would see that there was something really not right with Niall. His Mother was one thing; she was too scared to push him too far. But the guys, they would push him and he just couldn’t deal with that.

Thinking about Harry hurt the worst though. Harry was his closest confidant in the band, not that any of them really loved one more than the others. They were all as close as family and in a lot of ways closer. But Harry and Niall just connected a little differently than Niall did with the other guys. Maybe it was the softer nature of Harry’s personality or that they just meshed well as sometimes two personalities do. Either way, Niall had shut out the closest friend he had and that didn’t do anything but make him feel worse.

They had all called him, texted him multiple times and Niall ignored them all. But Harry, Harry was relentless. He must have been texting him at least ten times a day and he must have been calling at least three. And unlike the others who stopped leaving voicemails, Harry left a voicemail after every call. Never once did his voice show any other emotions than love and concern. In fact, his concern seemed to grow more and more with each passing message, which was unlike most people who would have grown annoyed and frustrated by now. That just showed Niall what a good friend Harry was and made his guilt that much more for how he was ghosting Harry.

The sound of a car horn in the distance brought Niall out of his thoughts. He felt the frigid temperature of the water flowing over his pruned skin and realized he must have been in the shower a really long time. This wasn’t the first time he drifted away as he tried to let the water cleanse him, but this was certainly one of, if not the longest.

What drove him to get out of the shower, he wasn’t sure. Nothing drove him to do much of anything anymore. But he did get out of the shower, and he went through to motions of what people are supposed to do when they are getting ready. He dressed, dried his hair with the towel and left the bathroom.

Niall walked his way out of his bedroom and down the hall into the kitchen. As much as he wanted to lock himself away in his bedroom forever, he knew his Mother would be more worried than she already was and he didn’t want to do that. So he pushed through as much as he could to keep her content enough to not ask too many questions. When he walked into the kitchen he found her sitting at the counter completely still, his cell phone sitting right in front of her.

Maura looked up at him and immediately, just by her eyes, he knew she was about to ask him something she hadn’t before. He was instantly on the defensive.

“What?” he asked her.

She was clearly taken back by Niall’s tone, her face showed it. But she didn’t say anything about it, “We need to talk, sweetheart.”

Niall resisted the urge to run from the room. He hated talking because she always got too close to breaking down his walls. But what else could he do? It would just be worse if he didn’t engage in the conversation with her.

So instead, he steadied himself and tried to keep his face expressionless, “About what?”

“Please don’t be mad. I didn’t do it on purpose. I was cleaning the kitchen and your phone kept going off.  I saw they were from Harry and it caught my eye, the message did…”

“Did you read my text messages?!” he nearly yelled.

“I did not mean too. But the word _worry_ caught my eye… and… I just… well, I got worried too Niall! So I read what them. You haven’t talked to Harry in over a week?! What is going on?!”

Maura felt horrible invading Niall’s privacy like that. She had never done something like that to her children in their entire lives. But now, Niall’s actual well-being was at risk and if she had to push her boundaries to ensure his safety, she would do that.

“You had no right!” he yelled again, bracing himself on the countertop, fury coursing through his veins.

“Is it true that you haven’t spoken to any of them since that night Harry and Louis were nice enough to let us use their home? I asked you after Harry called me worried sick about you and you swore to me that you reached out to him! You swore to me that you were doing okay! And now I find out that not only was that all lies, but you said something to Liam about Harry calling me? You told him to not do that anymore and you didn’t even call Harry to tell him that yourself?! What is going on Niall?! What aren’t you tell me?” Maura pleaded, her heart heavy with worry for her younger son.

Niall considered telling her about all of it, the constant showers, the never feeling clean, the sleepless nights… the shame. But it was a fleeting idea that was gone as soon as he thought of it. Instead, he stayed stoic and avoided answering any of her questions.

“Whatever goes on between me and Harry or me and Liam or me and anyone for that matter is NOT your concern! How dare you invade my privacy like that!”

He pushed away all the yearning and need for her; all the unspoken desire to just let his Mum fix him. And he just focused on the anger he was feeling because anger, he could deal with.

“I know you’re upset and you’re right, I shouldn’t have done that. But baby, I am just so worried about you! And seeing Harry say… they are your best friends! If you’re shutting them out I just know something is wrong and all I want to do is help you!” she pleaded.

“If there was something I needed help with I would have asked you; I would have told you! But either way, you still had NO RIGHT!” Niall continued, letting all his emotions and distress about everything combust on this one thing. He was seething.

“Niall please, just calm down for two seconds! I am so so sorry, but just please try to understand why I did what I did!” she kept pleading trying to go to him.

Niall took a step back and made it very clear he wanted distance between them, never letting his anger drop. He could feel his blood pressure rising. He was literally on fire.

“NO! I’m not going to calm down, do you not realize what you just did!?”

“Do you know why I did it?!” she yelled back.

Niall stopped and stared at her face. It was full of pain and concern and love and he just couldn’t handle it, “You know what, I don’t need you here. I don’t need anyone here. I want you to leave!”

A hurt expression washed over her features and Niall had to look away, “What?” she asked barely above a whisper.

This should have been when he calmed himself down enough to not sound like a crazy man. But instead, he went in for the kill.

“I want you to get out of my house! I don’t need you here! I don’t want you here… leave!”

To say that her heart was broken would be a severe understatement. Niall has never, would never talk to her like that. He would never kick her out. That just wasn’t her sweet, sweet boy. But she saw the stern expression he was wearing and she knew that he wasn’t messing around. She knew that Niall really wanted her to leave.

“Niall, don’t do this, please don’t push me away! I know something is wrong, you just have to let me…”

“I am not going to ask you again, Mum, leave.”

She swallowed the rest of her words and held in her tears for later, when she was alone and separated from her hurting child, “if that’s really what you want…”

“It is… go!”

It was like a march to the gallows only worse. If she was going to an execution, her pain would be gone in a matter of seconds. But knowing she was going to have to live and breathe as her child shut her out to suffer alone… that was a fate worse than death.

Niall didn’t stop her as she walked by him. He didn’t stop her when she grabbed all her things and he didn’t stop her when she moved for the door.

“Niall, I love you, please don’t forget that. Don’t forget I’ll always be here if you need me.” Maura said, silently pleading for Niall to change his mind.

He just watched her, still like a statue, never saying another word. He only reacted once the door closed behind her. Instantly, the tears came and he doubled over resting his head against the countertop. There was so much pain inside him and by pushing his Mother out; it only invited more pain in. The tears came loudly now as he realized no one could hear him because he was truly alone.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, thanks so so much for commenting and leaving kudos and reading my story! Sorry the update was later than I hoped again. I have been really sick the last few days and just now feeling better so I was finally able to finish my edits and get the chapter finished. Just a few warnings for this next chapter. There is some SEXUAL SITUATIONS. I guess you could consider it SMUT but it's a little complicated. Just wanted to give everyone a heads up! I really hope you guys enjoy it and I'm already editing the next chapter so, I will update soon!!!

Zayn’s mother had taken it surprisingly well when he told her the next morning he would not be going back home with them. She told Zayn later on that she had suspected he would want to be near Liam and that she was actually pretty okay with it. Liam was doing nothing but good for Zayn and she didn’t want to disrupt that. But she laid her conditions, she expected to talk to him often and she would be visiting, no questions asked. Zayn just smiled and adamantly agreed.

                It was hard saying goodbye to his parents; even harder than when he first left for the X-factor. He hadn’t realized how much comfort just their presence had brought him throughout this whole ordeal. Now that they would be separated again, he felt nervous that he wasn’t strong enough to do this. But then all he did was look at Liam and he knew he had all he needed to survive this.

The first thing Zayn’s parents did was contact the doctor. The doctor didn’t really have a say, but they still wanted sure it was okay for Zayn to travel. He told Zayn to come in for one last check-up and everything seemed to be healing well. His ribs were still tender, but otherwise they were okay. His back and face were also nearly healed, the stitches were dissolvable so there was no need to come in and get them removed. He just reminded Zayn that if he felt like something was wrong to go to the hospital right away. Otherwise, he didn’t see any reason to keep him from traveling.

One of the hardest things for Zayn was leaving his therapist. Zayn trusted her, he felt connected to her and now he had to go find someone else. But she told him leaving was probably one of the best things he could do. However, no matter what she assured Zayn that she was available day or night to talk over Skype. And she also gave him the name of a few colleagues that she recommended he could go to when he was settle back in England. It wasn’t ideal, he wished she could come with him, but he knew it was for the best.

Zayn felt even better now that they were back in England. Once they walked inside Liam’s house and the door was shut behind them, Zayn felt like he could let out a breath that he had been holding in for weeks. He put his things down and leaned against the wall, letting all the tension drain from his body.

“Hey, are you alright?” Liam asked, placing his things down right next to Zayn’s.

“I am more than alright. I feel like I can finally breathe.” Zayn told Liam with a smile, his content showing on his face.

Liam smiled back, happy to see Zayn so happy. He approached him, closing the gap and pulled Zayn into a tight embrace. Zayn gripped Liam’s shirt and rested his face into the crook of Liam’s neck. He breathed him in, letting the scent of Liam give him life.

“It’s just me and you again. It feels nice,” Zayn told him.

“It feels really nice,” Liam responded.

They pulled away from one another but stayed close together; Liam’s eyes locking onto Zayn’s. It was like electric waves rolling through his skin, the way Liam’s eyes bore into his. There was nothing more that he wanted than to give every piece of himself to Liam.

Liam’s face came closer and he rested his forehead against Zayn’s, “I love you so much,” Liam whispered.

Zayn didn’t have a chance to answer as Liam’s lips brushed softly up against his. It never failed, every time they kissed, Zayn almost forgot how to breathe. He moaned at the soft movements Liam’s lips were making against his own, massaging them almost.

He gripped Liam’s shirt tighter trying to bring Liam closer, even though they were already as close as can be. He wanted to wrap his whole being up inside this man; he wanted Liam to complete him. He pushed his hips closer to Liam’s and Liam involuntarily grinded against him.

It was such a shock to Zayn’s system that he gasped into Liam’s mouth. It had been so long since he felt something sexual be enjoyable; since he wanted something sexual. He pushed against Liam again wanting more, needing him more, as he kissed him deeper. Liam grunted as he grinded his hips against Zayn again. Zayn’s tongue traced circles in Liam’s mouth to which Liam tried to match the patterns.

Liam broke their kiss as suddenly as he had started it. He was panting; his face flushed red. Zayn was desperate for more. He reaches his lips forward and caught Liam’s once again. Liam kissed him back with smile but pulled away again, resting his forehead against Zayn’s again.

“I think we need to slow down…” he said breathlessly.

Zayn let his eyes do the talking. He wanted to know why? He wanted to know why Liam couldn’t just touch him, love him. Zayn didn’t care that they were in the middle of the living room. They were alone and this place was as good as any.

“I just want to have a nice dinner with you and cuddle and then...” Liam explained, his face showing slight embarrassment, “I want to save all this for later.”

Zayn couldn’t help but smile. Liam was always the romantic; he was always just so amazing.

“Yea, alright, that’s a good idea,” Zayn said to Liam placing small kisses on his cheek.

“You want to go out somewhere or order in? I’d cook, but I’m a little worn out from traveling.”

Zayn responded quickly, not able to believe Liam would even consider making him dinner after the lengthy travel they just had, “You don’t have to cook anything! Of course you’re tired, but thank you so much! I would like to order in if you don’t mind though; I don’t feel much like going out.”

“Absolutely!”

After they decided what to order, they decided to go put their things in Liam’s bedroom. Liam wanted nothing more than to get Zayn settled in. But what he didn’t realize was that to Zayn, just being here with Liam settled him in enough. Anywhere could feel comforting and familiar if it had Liam’s touch on it.

There dinner came quicker than they were expecting and they curled up together watching TV in the living. Several hours and empty containers later Zayn was laying with his head in Liam’s lap watching some documentary on ways the world could end; Liam’s legs were stretched out on the footrest in front of them. His fingers danced through Zayn’s hair continuously.

“That is the scariest thing I could ever imagine… a 100 foot wave coming at me! That must be truly terrifying.” Liam said his voice in awe.

“I don’t like water all that much as it is, so I don't even like to think about something like that,” Zayn said with a shudder.

“So I guess that means I can’t ask you to go skinny dipping with me later,” Liam said with a laugh but then stopped abruptly, “I’m sorry, that was really inappropriate.”

Zayn turned his body so he was lying on his back, his face looking up at Liam’s. He reached his hand to caress his cheek, “Hey, don’t be sorry, why would you think that was inappropriate? We’re both adults and you are my boyfriend, so….”

Zayn tried not to let that little voice that was just trying to claw its way back into his head start up again. He wanted to be close to Liam. He wanted to have or at least attempt to have a normal sexual relationship with this man, the man that he loved. He knew Liam was just being a gentleman, always the good boy, but that little voice sure wanted Zayn to think it had something to do with the stain that he still wore on his skin.

“I just… I was… I don’t want you to think that now that we’re alone that I’m just going to try and like fool around with you,” Liam stuttered, stumbling over his words.

He really hadn’t meant anything by it. God, did he want Zayn, but he was trying to be respectful. Zayn had been through so much and he just wanted him to be comfortable. He did not want to put any unneeded pressure on Zayn, especially when it came to sex. Liam would be as patient and understand as Zayn needed.

Zayn lifted himself off Liam’s lap and brought his face close to Liam’s. He was trying to not be offended by his explanation. He knew Liam; he knew that sometimes Liam said things that came out wrong. He knew that Liam wanted this, the he wanted him, but that voice just wouldn’t shut up. Zayn needed to hear Liam say that he wanted him.

“What… you don’t want to fool around with me?” there was an edge to his voice, a hint of a challenge.

Liam reacted almost instantly, his face turning from surprised to determined, “What gave you the idea that I don’t want to fool around with you? Because I’m pretty sure every time we kiss my dick is rock hard within seconds.”

Zayn blushed a deep color red. He hadn’t heard Liam say something so blunt, so raw before; he liked it.

“Is that a yes or a no, Liam,” Zayn asked challenging him a little more.

Liam leaned his face down just a little and crashed him lips onto Zayn’s. There was no delicacy in this kiss. This was nothing but desire. Zayn moaned into his mouth as he let Liam in, let Liam dance their tongues together. He brought a hand up and wrapped it around Liam’s neck keeping him close, desperate for him to not pull away.

But Liam seemed to have other plans because he pulled away to quickly stand up. Zayn looked up at him breathless, speechless, for just a moment and then Liam was on him again. His legs were on either side of Zayn’s hips as he straddled him, resting their groins against one another. The feeling was intense, but Zayn wanted more, needed more. It had been so long since any kind of sexual encounter was enjoyable, was something that caused him pleasure not pain. He needed this more than he needed air to breath.

“I really want you Zayn,” Liam said, his face inches from Zayn’s and this time Zayn closed the gap and pushed into Liam’s lips.

It was like someone flipped a switch on for both of them. They were starving for one another. Years of pent up sexual tension was finally oozing out of each of them and they were making out with one another like it was a competition.

Liam pulled back just enough to let his teeth nibble on Zayn’s bottom lip, causing Zayn to let out an involuntary whimper. His hands clung to Liam’s back as he bucked his hips up into Liam, his arousal more than obvious. Liam let his lip travel down Zayn’s jawline, leaving a trail of kisses. He worked his way to that spot on Zayn’s neck that made him quiver.

“Fuck…” Zayn said breathlessly as Liam touched that spot.

His body was literally on fire. Every fiber in his being was focused on one thing and one thing alone; Liam. He’d never felt something like this before. He realized that this is what real love must feel like and he knew he could never get enough.

Zayn’s could feel his erection straining against the tight fabric and he kept pushing himself up against Liam hoping the friction would give him some kind of relief. But, it was barely enough and combining it with all the other sensations he was feeling, he was getting dizzy.

Liam felt Zayn’s against him and he pushed back with his own arousal. This was so erotic and sexy and… beautiful. He wanted nothing but to pleasure Zayn, making him feel his love in every physical way he could. Liam wanted to worship Zayn.

His mouth stayed suctioned to that spot on Zayn’s neck as Zayn gripped him tightly, hands pawing at Liam’s back, as Liam ever so slowly let his fingertip trail down Zayn’s body. He stopped at the hem on Zayn’s shirt.

“Lift up,” Liam whispered; his lips so close to Zayn’s ear that he could feel the heat from Liam’s breath.

He shuddered, growing even more aroused. There was no hesitation on Zayn’s part, he pushed up just enough to give Liam room to lift the shirt over his head and throw it across the room. Liam followed suit, quickly removing his own shirt before returned to exactly where he left off.

Liam pressed his body back up against Zayn, letting the skin to skin contact make both of them even more alert. Fingertips grazed Zayn’s stomach, rubbing the skin gently, but with a purpose. Zayn closed his eyes and waited for it, waited for what he knew came next.

                Slowly, so slowly, Liam’s fingers danced their way down to the top of Zayn’s jeans. He hesitated for just a moment. This was a big step. They were crossing a big line, one that you couldn’t really go back from. But Liam was ready to take that jump; he was ready for anything when it came to Zayn.

                He had never had a sexual experience with another man before, but he wasn’t nervous like he was the first time with a girl. This was familiar, even though it was all new to him. This just felt right. Everything with Zayn always felt right.

                His mouth kept gnawing on Zayn’s neck as he let his hand travel further down until his hand cupped Zayn’s erection through his jeans.

                “Shit,” Zayn yelled, bucking his hips into Liam’s hand, his mouth falling open in pleasure.

                Liam felt pride in himself that he was the reason Zayn was in so much pleasure; he was the reason Zayn looked like he was about to come apart in all the right ways. Liam had never wanted to please someone more. He had never wanted to bring so much pleasure to one person in his entire life.

                He let his fingertips dance up to the top of Zayn’s jeans, attempting to undo the button with one hand. After a moment or two, he was still struggling and Zayn reached over to help Liam. Immediately, Liam laughed into his neck and pushed his hand away, his hand grasping his wrist and pinning it down.

                “No, let me…” he barely breathed out.

                The effect was instant on Zayn. It was like he had just been in a bright room and it was now filled with swallowing darkness. Everything that was happening stopped and all he could think about was the hand holding his wrist down.

 

_“Hey, there sweet thing,” he heard coming from somewhere. And suddenly, he was eighteen sleeping in his hotel bed being woken up to a man on top of him pinning his wrists down._

 

                He squeezed his eyes tightly shut trying to block out the face that was so close to his. Trying to block out the smell, the feeling of his body pressed so close to his own. What was going on? Why was he doing this to him again? Please… god… NO!

                Liam was trying to get the button open on Zayn’s pants, when he felt Zayn go rigid. He glanced up for just a second but the look on Zayn’s face was enough to notice that something was wrong, very wrong.

                “Zayn?” he asked freezing in place.

Zayn just whimpered but stay perfectly still.

 

_“You’re going to be a good boy tonight, right? You’re going to do everything I tell you so I don’t have to hurt you anymore than necessary, right?”_

 

                He pushed up against the man holding his wrists, trying to swallow the tears in his eyes. Why was he still seeing his face with his eyes closed? Why was he doing this?

               

_“I asked you a question Zayn!”_

               

“Please!” he pleaded.

                Liam heard his plea and instantly went into a panic, “Zayn, hey, hey it’s okay! I’ll stop! See?”

                He instantly stopped what he was doing and brought his mouth away from Zayn’s neck. Liam stared at his face, squeezed shut but still in full distress. He felt Zayn’s hand twitch underneath his and realized what had happened. Liam had gripped his wrist. Liam had restrained him down and now Zayn was lost in a flashback. Oh no, oh god, what had he done?  
                Without another second passing, Liam let go of his wrist and brought both of his hands to Zayn’s face, “Zayn, baby, open your eyes. It’s me, it’s Liam, you’re with me and you’re safe.”

                Zayn laid still trying to block out the hands climbing up the leg of his shorts. He tried to turn off the sounds the man was making as he touched him, molested him. But then he felt soft hands, warm hands on his face. And he heard a voice breaking through the darkness. A familiar, loving voice; he heard Liam. This wasn’t real, none of this was real. It was only a memory. He was with Liam. He was safe with Liam.

                “Baby, please open your eyes,” Liam’s voice said softly again.

                Zayn wanted to drown in it. There would be no better way to die than wrapped up in Liam.

“I’m scared,” he confided, “What if I see Barry? What if he’s here?”

                He felt soft kisses on his cheeks, “Barry is locked away in a cage and you’re with me and you’re safe. I promise, okay? Please, just open your eyes.”

                Hesitantly, Zayn relaxed his face and slowly opened his eyes. As soon as his eyes fell on Liam who was hovering over him, concern and love all over his face, Zayn lost it. His tears came out hard and he all but threw himself at Liam.

“Oh god I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry!” Zayn cried into Liam shoulder, horrified, mortified by what just happened.

This was all he wanted, to be intimate with Liam, to feel love like this from Liam. And when he got his wish, this happened. How could he be anymore pathetic?

“Hey, no, no, do not apologize! This is not your fault. You just weren't ready for…”

“You pinned my wrist,” Zayn said, it just occurring to him, “I felt trapped… I always felt so trapped…”

Liam sat up and pulled Zayn up with him. He brought him into his chest a cradled him there, “I wasn't thinking. I was in the moment and…” Liam just trailed off, his own voice choking up.

How could he be so stupid and not realize that he was being too rough, pushing too far? This was his entire fault.

“No! I… I should have been able to stop it! I should have been able to not think about him! Why do I always have to think about him?! All I wanted was to have this, with you! That's all and he's even taking that away from me! It's never going to be over is it? He's never going to stop taking things from me!” Zayn wailed burying his face into Liam's bare chest and sobbing.

Liam rocked him for a few minutes before he grabbed Zayn's face and made him look up, “Barry is gone and he will never hurt you again! We will work through this together. We will figure this all out together. But you need to remember this is not your fault! None of this is ever your fault!”

Zayn sniffled as he tried to keep himself composed. He tried to hold himself together. He was so tired of feeling so fragile.

“Can we just go lay down? I really just want to you to hold me right now.” Zayn pleaded.

“Absolutely, come on!”

Liam guided Zayn off the couch and towards the stairs. There was guilt inside of him. He should have thought about how he was touching Zayn. He should have known better than to hold his wrist like that. But there would be time for him to face his feelings. Right now Zayn needed him and that was what he was going to focus on.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I always do, I want to thank everyone for reading this and leaving comments and kudos!!! It is so greatly appreciate I can't really describe it :) I'm apologizing in advance for this chapter being a little shorter then usual. I usually like my chapters long, but sometimes short gets the point across. I promise this is not a new trend. The next several chapters are much longer! Going to start editing the next one right away!!! Thanks again everyone, I hope you enjoy and if you're in the US have a great Thanksgiving!

His eyes shot open and the room was a black as it was when his eyes were closed. He was drenched in sweat, his heart racing a mile a minute. He could barely breathe. There were hands; he could still feel hands all over his body.

                Niall shot up instantly and reached for the light next to his bed, never having been so terrified. He was sure there was someone lying with him, touching him, making his skin crawl.

                “Stop!” he yelled as the light popped on, hurting his unadjusted eyes.

                But there was no one there. Niall threw back the covers to make sure, just to be sure that there were no hands. But there was nothing; he was alone.

                It had been so real, it felt so real. He was so sure that someone was right there, right next to him. His breath started coming out in panic waves as he realized maybe he was losing his mind, maybe he was going crazy. The thought made him start to cry.

                Niall slide back down into bed and rolled onto his side, bringing his legs up into his chest. His tears made a puddle on the pillow he clutched as he rocked himself back and forth. It was moments like this that he wished he hadn’t kicked his Mum out. She could hold him; help him through whatever this was.

                Niall was terrified. He was terrified of being alone, but couldn’t bare to face world. He was terrified to go to sleep, Barry’s face and threats and hands were a constant. But he was terrified to be awake too, never find any reprieve from the memories. His days were long and his nights were longer. And he was beginning to feel like he was coming apart at the seams.

                It had been two days since he kicked his Mother out, or maybe it was three, Niall really wasn’t sure. Time played no part in his world. If you asked when the last time he ate was he couldn’t tell you that either. But he knew when he last showered; he probably took five a day now that he was alone, with no prying eyes asking questions. His skin was red and raw from the hours he spent under that scolding hot water and the constant washing. Still somehow the feeling of being clean never lasted all that long.

                His Mother had given him space, at least for a little while, but then the phone calls and texts started. Niall, unsure if it was to punish himself or if it was out of sheer boredom, listened to every voicemail and read every text message.

In the beginning she was careful:

 

                _‘Niall... sweetheart... it’s Mum. I just want to know how you’re doing and if you need something. I know you made me leave and asked me to leave you alone, but I’m your Mother darling… I just need to know you’re okay. I’m sorry for invading your privacy like I did. That was not right! It was so stupid and I’m sorry. I love you more than words. Please call me!’_

 

Niall is sure he cried for an hour after hearing it. And as much as he wanted to call back, he didn’t.

Then her phone calls turned angry...

 

               

_‘Niall, I know you’re mad at me and I get it. I’m so sorry. I don’t know how many times I can tell you that before you’ll actually believe me. But this… this is ridiculous. I am worried sick over here. I am about to drive there and force you to talk to me. I need to know if you’re okay! You need to call me right away!’_

 

                And then they turned desperate.

 

                _‘I just want you to know I’m sorry Niall… I am so sorry that I hurt you. I am just… I am so worried. I’m heartbroken. You’re not talking to me or your Dad or your brother or anyone that I can get ahold of. I’m terrified something is wrong. Tell me what I have to do just to get you to tell someone you’re okay? If you just text me or call me back I’ll leave you be, I swear! I love you. I’m so worried! Please, please just let someone know you’re okay!”_

 

Niall was sure his Mother probably broke down and cried as soon as she hung up the phone. He couldn’t believe he was the cause of that much pain, especially her. She didn't deserve that. Niall didn’t deserve her. He really was disgusting.

                The phone calls from his Dad started not long after his Mum’s did and just like he did with his Mother, he listened to every voicemail his dad left. They started out worried just like hers but grew angrier, quicker. Niall was thankful for that, a little. At least someone was treating him the way he deserved.

 

                _‘Niall James, I have left you over ten voicemails now, your Mother has left you ten times that! Why are you not calling one of us back, even if it’s to tell us off? Do you KNOW how scared we are!? Your Mother is nearly having a nervous breakdown!!! How dare you do that to her! How dare you kick her out and speak to her the way you did! She is your Mother, how could you disrespect her and disregard her like that? You are scaring the hell out of her… christ, me too! I can’t believe you’re doing this! You need to call someone, as soon as possible…’_

 

He called back right away.

 

                _‘...I’m sorry I yelled… I’m sorry I said those things… I’m so worried… I love you so much… please Niall, please call your Mother!’_

               

But Niall never did call his Mother. Instead, he stayed in his house in the dark like a zombie, his body and brain rotting from the pain he was in.

                If it wasn’t the constant reminders of that night in the hotel, it was a constant reminder of how he had alienated himself from both his friends and family. Niall literally felt like he had nothing left in his life except pain. How was he going live like this?

He rolled onto his back and let the tears blur out the shadows on the ceiling. ‘You’re weak, you’re pathetic,’ he thought to himself or maybe he actually said it out loud. Niall wasn’t sure. It didn’t really matter anyway.

Niall just couldn’t stop thinking, ‘Zayn had been through so much worse. Zayn had been raped, beaten… betrayed and he was okay. He was healing and finding his way through it all. I’ve been through next to nothing compared to him and I can barely function. No wonder Barry chose me as his other victim. I’m so fucking weak!’

And he just laid there, letting the tears silently cascade down the side of his cheeks, as he thought things like that over and over in his head. How long he laid there he wasn’t sure, but at some point his phone buzzed. Niall wasn’t going to answer it, he wasn’t going to look, but he couldn’t stop himself.

It was a text message from his brother:

 

‘ _Are you alright? Everyone’s really worried because you’re not answering.’_

 

Niall stared at it, surprised to see Greg’s text. Greg often stayed out of situations between Niall and his parents as did Niall the other way around. It was always easier that way to just not put yourself in something that didn’t involve you. For Greg to be reaching out about something that happened between his Mum, Niall knew his Mother must be near hysterical. And he realized just what a piece of shit he was for doing that to her.

He wondered if Greg knew everything that happened to him. Did he think Niall was weak? He wondered if Greg had been told how he had thrown his Mother out. That would surely not sit well with him. Niall wondered how Theo was. Was he safe? Was he okay? Without his Mother there and having no communication with anyone, Niall was in the dark. He had no way of knowing if Theo was alright. And there were many times he nearly drove himself over the edge just wondering if his nephew was safe.

He didn’t think about what he was doing, he just did it.

 

‘ _Is Theo okay?’_ he sent back.

 

It was less than a minute before he got a response, ‘ _Theo is perfectly fine. Everyone is worried sick about you though! You need to call Mum! Are you alright?’_

 

But Niall didn’t answer. He got the response he needed to breathe easy for a little while anyway. He put his phone back down and curled back into a ball, shutting the world out again. He closed his eyes and waited for sleep to come, a sleep that would bring no relief to the pain he was feeling. It would only start the vicious cycle he was caught up in all over again.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thank you so so so much for comments and kudos and reading! I know I start every note like this but it ALWAYS needs to be said! I am SOOOOO SORRY for this EXTREMELY LATE with this update! I had an super busy week that snuck up on me and I literally had no time to do anything! I can promise you that the next update will not be next Thursday! I will have it up by Monday or Tuesday of next week the latest! Anyway, here is the next chapter! I hope everyone enjoys! Thanks again:)))))

Liam stared up at the ceiling as the morning sunshine littered rays across the bed. He had been awake for a little while and was trying not keep staring at Zayn’s perfect face while he slept. Zayn Malik was honestly the closest to perfection Liam had ever seen. Zayn was curled into a little ball and finally seemed deep in a peaceful sleep.

                After Zayn’s meltdown yesterday, the rest of the night had not gotten any easier. Zayn was upset; he wanted to know why he couldn’t just be with Liam in the ways that he wanted. He even tried to fool around with Liam again, by telling Liam just to force him through it; maybe then he’d be okay. Liam outright refused and told him that he would NEVER do something like. They would figure it out one way or another in time.

                But what Liam wasn’t saying to Zayn was how horrible he felt. Liam had already screwed up when he neglected to have a conversation with Zayn about where he was sleeping. Last night though, what happened, what Liam had caused, was a thousand times worse than that. How could he have been stupid enough to think that holding Zayn down in any way, no matter how innocent, no matter how lightly, would EVER be okay? He hadn’t just ruined their experience; he had caused a very real, very vivid flashback for Zayn. A flashback that woke Zayn up in fits of terror twice last night.

                Liam had let his desires take over and he had lost control. He had been so careful to not hurt Zayn, not pressure Zayn into anything. And there they were in a situation that had been brewing between them for what seemed like forever and Liam let something like this happen. He hurt Zayn and he ruined their first time together. Now he was just filled with a heavy guilt.

                Out of nowhere, his cell phone started buzzing on the night stand, shaking him out of his thoughts. He grabbed it quickly so it wouldn’t wake Zayn and saw Harry’s name on his screen. Quickly and as quietly as he could, he jumped out of bed and left the room.

                “Hello?” he said in a whisper as he started down the stairs.

                “Hey,” Harry’s voice said on the other line, “Sorry to call you so early. I really hope I didn’t wake you.”

                Liam made his way into the kitchen and turned the coffee machine on, in desperate need for caffeine.

                “No, I was awake; I’ve been up for a while. Zayn had rough night last night,” Liam explained.

                “Oh no, is he okay?” Harry asked with concern.

                “Yea, I think he will be. It was just something we were watching that triggered him,” Liam lied. He just didn’t have it in him to tell Harry what really happened, at least not right now.

                “Well he’s in good hands. No one would take better care of him then you.”

                Liam smiled softly, but it quickly faded when he thought about how Zayn’s rough night was because of him. There was nothing and no one else to blame. Liam had pinned him down; Liam had restrained him.

                “Yea…” Liam said quickly before changing the subject, “So what’s going on Harry? What’s up?”

                Harry took a deep breath and Liam knew whatever was coming wasn’t good, “I got a phone call from Maura a few hours ago, something’s really wrong Liam.”

                Liam put the coffee cup down and froze in place, dread filling him up, “What happened?” he asked.

                “Niall kicked Maura out a few days ago. She thought maybe giving him a day to cool off would be what he needed, but… that didn’t work. He hasn’t taken any of her calls. She called Bobby and he started to try but nothing, no response to him either. Liam, he isn’t talking to anyone. Maura said he’d been having really bad nightmares and she had a feeling things were way worse than he was letting on. She’s scared Liam; she’s really worried… and so am I.”

                Liam’s dropped his head into his palms. He had known something was wrong with Niall. Niall’s eyes gave it away that day at the police station and his actions just made it that much more obvious.

                “We should have seen this…” Liam said as much to himself as he did Harry.

                “We did see it, but Niall… Niall was pushing everyone away. He wasn’t letting anyone close enough to help. That’s why Lou and I are flying in... because I can’t just sit here and do nothing. He’s my best friend; I have to try to do everything in my power to help him.”

Harry’s voice was heavy with emotion, and Liam could tell he was probably on the verge of tears.

“I can go to London if you think he’ll talk to me Harry. I will leave right now!” Liam said.

“No, Liam… I’m going to do this. Maura thinks if anyone of us can get him to open it would be me… or Zayn…”

And suddenly this phone call made even more sense. Harry wanted to make sure Zayn was available if he wasn’t able to get through to Niall on his own. Liam was sure that Zayn would do whatever it took to help Niall. But there was that protective nature in him that popped up as well. Liam knew once Zayn found out just how bad Niall was, he would feel like he was to blame for all of it. Liam never wanted Zayn to blame himself for any part of this nightmare. There was only one person to blame here.

“You know Zayn will do whatever he needs to,” Liam said.

                “I’m going to Niall’s house as soon as we land tomorrow and I’m not leaving until he talks to me. But if he won’t or if doesn’t work, you and Zayn…”

“Absolutely,” Liam said without even letting Harry finish, “We’ll be there.”

He knew Zayn would jump into action immediately and Liam would be right by his side.  

***********

                Zayn opened his eyes and the smell of bacon was wafting in the air. He felt rested, which was strange considering he woke up twice last night in fits of terror, still feeling Barry’s roaming hands all over his body. But Liam had been there, also waking as soon as Zayn cried out, to wrap him up and hold him close, chasing away Zayn’s demons every time.

                He was comfortable and warm, but the smell of the bacon and lack of Liam next to him drove him to get up. As he quietly made his way into the kitchen, he saw Liam looking at something on his phone. The first thing to catch his eye was how adorable he looked like this, disheveled and in his pajamas from the night before. It caused butterflies in Zayn’s stomach. Zayn still couldn't believe he got to call Liam his.

                “Morning sleepy head,” Liam said with a soft smile when he looked up and saw Zayn standing there.

                Zayn smiled back but noticed right away that something was a little off in Liam’s eyes and he knew something had to be wrong. Before he could ask though, Liam was on his feet, hugging him tightly and kissing his forehead. Zayn had no desire to fight it, so he let himself be swallowed by Liam, letting everything else just dissipate.

                As he pulled away, he guided Zayn over to the table, “I made breakfast. Sit down I’ll bring it to you.”

                Zayn watched as Liam heated up the bacon, put the toast in the toaster and cracked two eggs into the frying pan. “I thought you said you made breakfast? You don’t have to go out of the way to make this from me.”

                “No, I did make breakfast, but I mean, who wants cold eggs and toast?” Liam said again with a smile that didn't reach his eyes.

                Zayn didn’t say anything else as he watched Liam at work. Liam put the eggs, toast, and bacon on a plate and walked it over.

                “Breakfast is served,” he said placing it down in front of him, “Do you want butter or jam for your toast?”

                “Neither, I’ll eat it with my eggs. But… thank-you Liam, you didn’t have to do any of this,” Zayn said grabbing his wrist softly before he could pull away.

                “You deserve it,” Liam said leaning in for a kiss.

                Zayn didn’t hesitate to let Liam kiss him. But when he turned and walked away, Zayn couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. As much as he didn’t want to, he remembered what not talking about something had done to them. Zayn wasn’t about to go through that again.  

                “Liam, what’s going on?” he asked, placing his fork down.

                “What do you mean?” Liam said as he placed the coffee in front of Zayn, made exactly the way he liked it.

                “Come on Liam, just talk to me, please?”

                It was about last night, Zayn was sure. His stomach was already in knots just anticipating Liam’s response. Liam looked like he was about to fight him, but instead his resolve fell and he slumped a little on the counter.

                “I just… I can’t stop thinking about what happened last night,” Liam told him.

                Zayn just sat there and tried not to let it hit him too hard. He had messed up; he had messed up big time. There was no way he could ever keep anyone happy in a relationship if every time they tried intimacy he freaked out. Why couldn't he just be normal? He knew with every ounce of his being that Liam would never ever hurt him. There was no excuse for how badly he freaked out.

“I'm sorry Liam. I'm sorry I ruined everything,” Zayn said his voice showing pain.

“What?!” Liam said looking over at him, “No, no don't say that! Don't ever apologize for what happened last night!”

“But how can I not Liam? Didn’t you see what happened? Didn’t you see me have a meltdown? I couldn't even let you, YOU the one person I trust completely, YOU the man I’m in love with, touch me! I… I'm so sorry I'm doing this to you! I understand if you can't do this anymore …” Zayn said, his hands shaking as he tried to hold back his emotions.

Liam came over to him without hesitation and pulled up chair so they were eye to eye right next to each other, “Come here,” he said with his arms open.

Zayn fell into his arms and clutched Liam tight. He buried his face into his shoulder and bit his lip to stop himself from crying.

“Zayn, last night wasn't your fault. I should have been more aware of what I was doing. I should have never, ever grabbed you like that. I am the one who should be sorry! None of that should have ever happened!” Liam said his hands rubbing circles on his back.

“I just want to be with you Liam. I want to experience all those things with you! Why can't I have that? Haven’t I been through enough?”

And Zayn lost his battle, his tears finally breaking free.

“You are, NO, we are going to get through this. It just might take some time. I think you just need some time.”

Zayn pulled away, “I don't want to give it time Liam! I've given so much of my time to Barry and what he did to me! I want to move on! I want to live my life; I want to live it with you!” He nearly yelled, growing hysterical.

                “I know; I know you do love! But you can’t force something like this! It’s going to take time. You will make it through this and I’m going to right here...”

                Zayn felt overcome with rage and he didn’t think about what he was saying, he just said it, “So you don’t want this? You don’t want to have sex with me?!”

                Liam was shocked and taken back, “Zayn what the…?”

                “Answer the question!” Zayn demanded.

“No Zayn, what the hell kind of question…”

“Just answer the damn question!” Zayn yelled.

“Not if it’s going to hurt you like last night did, okay?!” Liam yelled back, “I can’t do that to you ever again. I can’t ever cause you that kind of pain again!”

It wasn’t that Zayn didn’t hear what Liam was saying, he did. But all the frustration from the night before was just sitting on Zayn’s chest. All he heard from Liam’s word were, ‘ _I don’t want you, you freak! You’re damaged goods and you’re not good enough_ ’ He was too blinded by his own insecurities to realize that Liam just trying to protect him.

He pushed the chair back so roughly that it fell to the floor with a bang, “I just wish you would say it to me Liam! I wish you would tell me how much I disgust you! How the thought of having sex with me turns your stomach! Why can’t you just tell me!?” he yelled hysterically, finding it hard to breath.

As taken back as Liam was, as caught off guard as Liam was, he didn’t hesitate for a moment to go right at Zayn, leaving no space between them, “Hey, HEY!” he said with a mix of force and gentleness, “I need you to take a deep breath, okay?”

His hands found Zayn’s biceps and he held him in place, not letting him pull away. Zayn’s body was barely keeping from folding in on itself, so he had no strength to pull away anyway.

“I can’t… I can’t” he sobbed.

“You can! You need to take a deep breath,” Liam told him again.

It took a moment, but Zayn did that, closing his eyes and trying to halt his tears. His breath was still shaky from the after effects of his sobs, but he felt himself begin to calm down.

“See, it’s working; just keep breathing.” Liam soothed

After a few moments Liam spoke again, “Zayn, I know you are upset and I can’t imagine how hard all of this is on you, but you CANNOT constantly accuse me of not wanting you! I’m here Zayn, I am here because I love you and I want to be with you! I want to be with you in every way, especially in the physical sense, but I will wait forever if I have too. That’s the truth, there’s no secret! So please, please I’m begging you, stop thinking that I don’t want you because I’m not going anywhere!”

Zayn listened to Liam’s words and felt even worse than he had two minutes ago. Liam was right. These were his fears, his demons, and he was transferring them to Liam. That wasn’t fair. Liam didn’t deserve that.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Zayn whispered.

There was no hesitation as Liam pulled him into a hug, “It’s okay.” he whispered back.

“I just… I want to be with you Liam. I want to give you all the things a boyfriend should be able to give you.” he explained.

“You already do Zayn…”

“No Liam, you know what I mean.”

Liam pulled him back just enough so they could look at one another in the eye, “And you will, when you’re ready.”

“But I am ready Liam! I am ready to give you all those things. I want to feel what sex is like again when it’s enjoyable. I want to let someone touch my body and not cry my way through it! I want to do all these things with you… and…! Do you know what this feels like? I can’t even let you, the person I love and trust the most, touch me! I want that, I need that! I thought Barry raping me was the worst thing I’d ever experience. I was wrong, this is, this is so much worse!” And Zayn fell forward crying again into Liam’s shoulder.

Liam couldn’t imagine how Zayn was feeling. He couldn’t imagine what this must really be like. He felt anger in him like he had never felt before. Seeing Zayn in this kind of pain was killing him. But he did what he knew he had to do, he pushed his rage down and hugged him tightly.

“He’s not going to win, okay? He is not going to take anything else from you! We will figure this out. We will battle through this together. It’s going to get easier, I promise!” Liam told him, rubbing his back.

“What if I’m not strong enough?” Zayn sniffled.

“Then I’ll be strong for you,” Liam promised pulling Zayn out of his embrace so he could rest their foreheads together.

Zayn closed his eyes and let his hands grip the hair on Liam’s neck, “I love you Liam, I love you so, so much!”

“I love you too.” Liam said with a gentle kiss.

“And I’m sorry I lost it. It’s just… last night was scary and… horrible. I wanted nothing more than to be with you and…”

Liam’s hand found Zayn’s cheek, and Zayn stopped talking, “Stop apologizing! You did nothing wrong.”

“I just… I don’t know what to do!” Zayn pleaded.

Liam wiped his Zayn’s tears away and smiled, “I have an idea, why don’t you Skype Dr. Decker and explain what happened. I’m sure she’ll be able to help. At the very least you’ll feel better. And maybe she can tell you how to deal with it if it ever happens again.”

Zayn liked that idea. He nodded in agreement, “Does that mean, we can still…” and Zayn trailed off.

“As long as you understand I won’t force this. We’re going make sure that you’re okay because that’s all that matters to me!”

Zayn just brought his arms back around Liam’s neck and he closed his eyes savoring him.

“Come on, you need to finish your breakfast,” Liam said with a kiss on the cheek.

Zayn sniffled but smiled into Liam’s shoulder before pulling away, “It would be really mean of me not too. You took the time to make it for me.” he joked wiping his eyes.

“Yea, really mean,” Liam said back.

He knew this was not over by any means and he still needed to talk to Zayn about Niall. But right now Liam was going to give Zayn a break and let him enjoy a little bit of peace that he desperately deserved.


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks so much for reading and leaving kudos and commenting. I apologize again for how long it took me to update last time, but I am back on schedule with this Chapter. I am excited for the next few chapters coming up! I am working hard on the next edit so hopefully the update will be up sooner rather than later. Anyway, I really hope you enjoy this chapter! Thanks again!!!

Zayn sat at the patio table with his cell phone staring up at him. After last night and this morning, he realized he really did need to talk with his therapist. He hadn’t had a session since before he left LA. With him relocating back to England so recently, there had been no progress in finding a new therapist. And now he could feel the strides and improvements he had been making were starting to stall. Besides all of that, he really wanted to talk with someone about what happened last night and he knew his therapist would be able to give him some insight and advice he wouldn’t be able to figure out on his own.

He sent Dr. Decker an e-mail after he finished eating, asking if she had anytime to chat today. He got a response around 2 in the afternoon letting him know she would skype him around 5 that evening if that was okay. Zayn felt bad that it would be so early for, but he really appreciated it.

After breakfast, Zayn tried to do the dishes and clean up so he could keep his mind off all the things that were whirling in it, but Liam quickly put an end to that. Liam came up behind him at the sink and told him it wasn’t a choice, he was to stop what he was doing and come enjoy the rare sunshine with him on the patio. No amount of resistance was going to win as soon as Liam wrapped his arms around Zayn waist and kissed his neck gently. 

They curled up together on a lounge chair, just enjoying the feeling of the sun beating down on them. Zayn really believed there was nothing better than being here like this with Liam. 

After a few minutes Liam told him they needed to talk. And even though he and Liam were in a good place, his fears and insecurities somewhat under control, the tone of Liam’s voice and made Zayn’s chest tighten just a little. It ended up being worse than he thought.

Liam told him about Niall. He told Zayn about the phone call from Harry and how Niall had kicked his Mother out. He told Zayn about how no one was able to get in touch with Niall since. He told Zayn that things were so bad that Louis and Harry were flying back to London as we speak to see what they could do.

It hit him hard, like a sack full of rocks right to his stomach. Zayn knew enough about himself to know what Niall had to be going through. This wasn’t as simple as needing time. This was someone on the verge of something disastrous. He felt guilty, he felt responsible; he felt hopeless.

“There has to be something I can do!” Zayn had pleaded as he jumped up, leaving the warmth of Liam’s arms behind.

“There is, Harry thinks Niall might respond to you if he doesn’t respond to him. We might have to go to London…” Liam said standing up as well.

“Let’s go now, Liam! I think we should go to Niall now!”

That was when Liam approached him and put his arms gently on his shoulders, “Harry has a plan, a plan that he came up with while talking to Maura. You and I both know that if anyone can get through to Niall it’s Harry…”

“Harry didn’t go through what Niall has been through... but I have. I know what he’s feeling. I understand. I can help him!” Zayn had explained.

Liam let Zayn statement hang in the air for a moment as he touched his cheek, “I know love, I know, but I trust Harry and Maura and I think we should give them a chance. If it doesn’t work, we can head to London right away, okay?” 

It was an unsettling feeling that sat in Zayn’s gut. Harry would never, none of them would ever purposefully put Niall in harm's way. But they were flying in from LA; they were coming from halfway across the world. What if Niall was at his breaking point now?

“Liam, I don’t think we should… what if he needs someone now?” Zayn had asked.

“It’s going to take us over an hour to get there, and that’s if we left at the very second. I trust Harry, I know you trust Harry.”

Zayn did trust Harry and Harry had trusted him blindly when they were in New York. He could have left him, he could have flipped out. He could have called him liar when they talked on that bathroom floor, but he didn’t.

And that’s why Zayn was sitting on at the table with his phone in front of him. He agreed to let Louis and Harry try Harry’s way, but Zayn would be headed there in a blink of an eye if it didn’t work. Liam said he couldn’t agree more. 

Zayn still felt like he should try something. He texted Niall and called him several times, feeling guilty that he hadn’t reached out much to Niall since that day at the police station. Zayn had been so distracted by everything going on in his life, he had neglected what was so obvious, that Niall was suffering.

It was blatant that day they ran into him, but the news about Barry had taken over and he had forgotten all about it. He tried to reach out a few times, but the lack of response went undetected because he was busy working through his own issues. It wasn’t okay, there wasn’t any excuse for it, but it happened. And now he was desperate to do whatever he possibly could for Niall.

Niall had yet to answer him back, it had been over an hour. But it didn’t matter, he would wait for a response or he would keep texting till he got one.

Liam came up behind him and put his hands on his shoulders kissing the top of his head, “He’s going to be okay,” he said.

“I won't ever do this again Liam. I won't forget about my friends.”

Liam took the seat and turned Zayn’s body towards him, taking his hands, “You didn’t forget about your friends...”

“But I did Liam…” 

“You didn’t,” Liam cut him off, stopping him, wanting him to listen, “You couldn’t help him. You couldn’t help anyone without helping yourself first. How could you have helped him when you were about to break between me being a proper idiot and the news about Barry?”

Zayn did listen to him and realized Liam was right. Zayn was in no condition to give support when he was barely functioning. Maybe now he could, but not then.

“You always know what to say, don’t you?” Zayn said a smile dancing on his lips.

Liam laughed, “God no! You know half the shit I say comes out wrong. I just know when someone shouldn’t be beating themselves up for something they didn’t do!”

They embraced, holding each other tightly, aware how lucky they both were; how lucky they were to have each other.

Zayn’s phone rang on the table and right away he reached for it, hoping it was Niall. It wasn’t, it was his therapist.

“It’s Dr. Decker,” he told Liam getting up, already walking towards the back door.

“Go answer it, I’ll be out here if you need me.”

Zayn nodded and walked back inside, hitting answer as soon as he did. Dr. Decker’s face came on his screen instantly, her soft feminine features making her look years younger than she.

“Hi Zayn,” she said sweetly as soon as the lines connected, “How is everything going over there?”

“There going good. I feel a lot better than I did before I left.”

“That’s great. I can tell, you know, just by that one sentence. I can hear it in your voice.”

He smiled and made his way into the living room so he could sit down and relax while they talked.

“I’m sorry to bother you, especially so early,” he said.

“I don’t mind Zayn, I really don’t. I just want to help you to get better. I’m here as long as you need me. I’m sure you haven’t even had a chance to look for another doctor, so until you find the perfect fit for you, we’ll make due like this okay?”

There was sincerity in her voice and he knew she meant what she was saying. It made him hate leaving her even more. She understood, she cared about him. There was a connection with her Zayn wasn’t sure he could get with a new doctor. Maybe they could work something out; maybe he could do his sessions with her like this permanently. He decided he would talk to her about it, but not now, now they had more pressing issues.

“Well either way, I really really appreciate it.”

“You’re very welcome. So tell me what’s going on? Did something happen with Barry since the last time we spoke?” she asked.

“No,” he said, “I mean yea, maybe you could look at it that way, but... no, not directly. I haven’t heard a word about him since they brought me into the police station.”

“How are you feeling about that Zayn? How are you dealing with it?”

Zayn paused to think about it. When the detective told him that they had to drop the charges until they found more evidence, that was enough to almost break him. Zayn really didn’t think he was going to bounce back from that blow. He felt lower than he’d ever felt before and that's saying something considering what he’s been through.

“Well…” he paused again, “Coming here, coming back to England and being with Liam has really been a blessing. It’s only been a day or two but… I feel better. I feel safe here.”

“That’s great! I had a feeling that would happen. I knew a change of venue, a place that had such a personal connection to Liam would make you feel better.” she said.

He agreed with a silent nod and decided just to go into it. It was early for her and he didn’t want to keep her on the line forever, especially since he was sure she had other patience at some point this morning. 

“Something happened last night though, and… I’m not sure what to do…” Zayn confided.

“Okay, why don’t you tell me about it.”

“Liam and I got home and it had been forever since we’ve been alone. His house in LA isn’t that big and with the two of us and my parents there, we were on top of each other,” he rambled wanting her to understand everything, “We just… we fooled around a little bit…”

There was silence on the line for a few seconds, Dr. Decker clearly thinking before she spoke, “Alright, and how did that go?”

“At first, great. It felt good, it felt... perfect actually. But then…” and now Zayn paused and tried not to thinking about his wrist being pinned and the blackening terror that had blanketed him in an instant, “it was getting… it was progressing… he was trying to take off my pants and he pinned my wrist… not on purpose though! He would never do that on purpose. It brought on a flashback almost instantly. It was so severe... I didn’t realize it was a flashback right away. I thought I was really there…” Zayn trailed off shuddering at the thought.

“But you brought yourself out of it?” she asked.

“Yes… well... Liam helped.”

“Okay, and you were totally fine up until you were restrained?”

Zayn wasn’t sure where she was going with this, but he trusted her, “Yea, completely fine. I wanted it so bad. I wanted Liam.”

She smiled at him but stayed silent. Zayn knew she was gathering her thoughts, but he was ready to exploded. He need insight and guidance. He needed to know he was going to be able to be with Liam in that capacity, “Why did this happen? Why did I freak out so much? I always feel safe with Liam, I know he would never hurt me! I just want to be with my boyfriend like a normal person!”

He hadn’t meant to show so much of his frustration, but it was eating at him.

“It’s okay Zayn. It’s going to be okay,” she said softly.

“Is it?” he asked, almost like he didn’t believe her, but god did he want to.

“Let me ask you something? Do you believe that you would have been okay had he not pinned your wrist?”

Zayn thought about it for only a second, he was that sure, “Absolutely, I told you I trust Liam.”

“No matter what?”

“Yes, no matter what,” Zayn responded trying not to show annoyance at her question.

“Even if he would have want to have sex?” she asked.

Zayn stopped in his tracks. He hadn’t thought that far. He had figured that it was understood that they would move slow. He’d like to progress to sex with Liam, but not yet. He wasn’t ready for that yet, “I wouldn’t have… I wouldn’t have been able too. I’m not ready for that,” he said softly.

“Did you ever tell him that?” she asked.

He opened his mouth to respond but what she was trying to explain became clear and Zayn didn’t really know what to say.

“You need to have a conversation about all of this Zayn. You, unfortunately are not like everyone else, at least not right now, and you need to talk about what is okay and what isn’t, set up your boundaries.”

Zayn closed his eyes and tried not to feel like garbage, “Oh isn’t that wonderful. I need to talk to my boyfriend about how and where he can put his hands before I let him touch me. Isn’t that a turn on!”

She sighed and gave him that look that told him she thought he was being dramatic, “Come on now, that’s not what I mean at all. There is no reason you two can’t sit down and talk about what is going to make you feel safe and what could be a trigger for you. People who go through trauma’s have triggers, you know that Zayn. And the sooner you realize what yours are, the sooner you can learn to avoid them.”

“I have no idea what my triggers are….” he said, everything seemed like a trigger as he tried to think about it.

“Yes, you do Zayn, think. What did Liam do that sent you into the flashback?” she asked.

Zayn knew she knew the answer, but she wanted him to say. There was something in the power of hearing yourself say something verses someone else. It always seemed more powerful when it came from your own mind, “He held my wrist down, he restrained me. I guess… being restrained… is a trigger.”

“Yea, that’s part of it, but think about that Zayn. How does being restrained make you feel? What is it doing to you?”

“Taking away my power, taking away my control. I feel like I have no control,” he heard himself say and suddenly it clicked.

The problem wasn’t that he had been restrained, it was that he felt like he was powerless again. Not being able to move or control his body was always the hardest thing to deal with and the seemingly innocent act of holding just his arm down was enough to bring all that boiling back up to the surface.

“See, we figured it out,” she said happily.

But Zayn wasn’t happy. He didn’t feel any better, “Okay, but how is that supposed to help me?” he asked.

“It helps a lot. You know now that being out of control is a severe trigger for you. You can avoid situations where you will feel powerless. So maybe next time you and Liam attempt some form of intimacy, you take the reigns, you stay in control. That way you can guide the situation so it’s safe and enjoyable for both of you.”

He relaxed a little, realizing it wasn’t a bad idea once she explained it to him like that. But he still felt like he wasn’t normal and the thought of always having to control the situation just seemed forced to him. He wanted to be with Liam naturally, without the notion that one had to rule over the other.

“I… that helps… it does, but what happens when that grows old? What happens when all I want is for Liam to take the control from me.” he asked.

She smiled softly, “I don’t know for sure. I don’t think there really is a clean cut answer for that, but that doesn’t mean there’s no solution. I think you and Liam are going to have to test the waters. Take your time and make sure you’re both aware of each other. If you know exactly what he’s doing to you and he knows exactly how you’re reacting to it, then there is nothing you guys can’t overcome. It’s all about communication Zayn. As long as you’re honest with him about how to keep you comfortable then there is no reason you can’t have a healthy sexual relationship.”

Zayn felt calm wash over him when she said that. That’s what he needed to hear, someone telling him that he could be semi normal with his boyfriend, “So, you think it’s okay to keep… fooling around?”

She laughed this time, her smile going all the way to her eyes, “Of course! There is no rule that someone who was assaulted has to wait x amount of time before engaging in a sexual relationship. The assault you went through doesn’t define you. Everyone heals differently Zayn. As long as you're comfortable and your partner makes you feel good, there is no reason in the world to not enjoy each other.”

Zayn memorized those words and decided that those were going to be the words he wanted to live by from now on. He was a man. He was a man who was in love and wanted to be with the man he loved. He was a victim of sexual violence, but that wasn’t going to define him. He was going to face it head on and battle it with everything he had till he won. 


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I am back! As always I am going to start with thank-yous, for commenting, leaving kudos or even just reading! I know I say this every time but you have no idea how much I appreciate it! I would like to apologize for the late update, the last week has been nuts for me. I was really really sick so I had no desire to do anything but sleep lol Then a friend of mine got tickets to Jingle Ball Monday night so I was lucky enough to get to see NIALL!!! And then yesterday a good friend of mine, his grandmother passed away so I have been spending all my free time trying to help the family out. It's been kind of a rough week in the fandom as well. The passing of Louis's Mom was such a horrible thing and I just couldn't shake how upset I was for Louis. It took me a little while to get my head back on to edit this chapter. But I'm really glad I did!   
> Anyway, I am rambling way too much! lol This next Chapter has a few warnings. First their is a slight mention of SELF HARM or the intent of it, there is a warning for both ASSAULT and SEXUAL ASSAULT because it does deal with the recollection of some past events that have already happened in the story! I really hope you guys enjoy this Chapter. My next update should hopefully not take as long! Thanks again everyone!

The flight had been brutal. Ten hours locked in a tube going over 600 mph is never fun, but the hours and the minutes dragged as they desperately wanted to get to London, to Niall.

                They had a car waiting for them and they immediately were on their way to his house. They walked up to the doorstep and right away they could tell something was off. The curtains were drawn. The house seemed eerily quiet. It was just as they suspected but it still left them both unsettled.

Harry rang the bell once and waited, but no one answered; there wasn’t even movement in the house. Then he rang it again and again… and again.

“Harry…” Louis said grabbing his boyfriend’s arm as he started hitting the bell at a rapid pace.

“I know he’s in there Lou!”

“Harry, you need to relax. The bell isn’t working,” Louis said gently but pulled his arm a little harder.

Harry’s arm fell to his side as he looked down at his feet defeated, “Are we just supposed to give up?”

“No of course not, but maybe don’t ring the bell ten thousand times in a row. Let’s try calling him, yeah?” Louis suggested.

“He hasn’t taken any calls from anyone in days; you think he’s going to start now?” Harry asked.

“I think if we’re standing on his door step and calling him at the same time as we ring the bell, he might get annoyed enough to tell us to fuck off. But he would have to talk to us to do that.” Louis explained.

It made sense to Harry and he immediately took his phone out and dialed Niall. It rang and rang till it went to voicemail. He quickly hung up, “It went to voicemail. It didn’t work.”

Louis reached forward and hit the doorbell again before knocking loudly, “Call him again,” he told Harry.

Harry paused for only a second before understanding Louis’ plan and did exactly as Louis asked, continuously calling Niall until it reached his voicemail; Louis knocking a ringing the bell every time he didn’t answer. After calling at least six times, Louis started yelling as he knocked.

“Niall we know you’re in there. We can stand here all day and night if we have too and we will keep calling your phone too. All you have to do is answer the door and we’ll stop!”

Harry jumped in when Louis stopped, “Come on Niall, it’s just us. Please open the door! We just want to help you!”

They kept calling and knocking and ringing the bell and talking through the door. They would never give up on him because they knew if the tables were turned he would never give up on them. But as the time went on and there was nothing no movement, Louis and Harry looked at each other both worried that maybe this wasn’t going to work. Was he even home? What if something horrible had already happened?!

“He’s in there, I know it!” Harry said when the dread began to wash over him, not about to let those thoughts win.

Louis, whether he really believed it or not, silently agreed with Harry and kept knocking and yelling. His knuckles were growing raw and he had to keep changing hands, but that wasn’t going to stop him. They would stay here forever if they had too.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, they heard the clicking of a lock. Harry and Louis looked at each other in shock. They had hoped this would work, but they weren’t really sure it would. The door opened just a few inches, but enough to see the bags under Niall’s eyes, the lack of shaving and his messed up hair. They could only imagine what he looked like without an obstructed view.

                “What?” he asked his voice hoarse from crying and screaming through his nightmares.

                Harry had to take a second to collect himself. This was Niall, his best friend standing in front of him and he was literally a shell of what he once was. It was a shock to his system.

“We’re worried about you Niall, everyone is. We wanted to see if you’re okay,” Harry said gently.

                “Well, you’re seeing me and I’m still alive so… does that answer your question?”

                There was no malice in his voice; actually there was nothing in his voice. He sounded monotone like a robot trying to imitate a human. Harry looked at Louis, shock hitting him again. He couldn’t speak for a second and he needed Louis to jump in. They had Niall at the door and they needed to keep him talking. Louis jumped in right away.

                “No, Niall it doesn’t. We want to talk to you about what’s going on because it’s not like you to push everyone away, to push your Mum away,” Louis said gently.

                Niall dropped his head and his voice dropped to barely above a whisper, “I don’t really feel like talking... especially about my Mum. I’m sorry you guys came all this way for nothing,” and he turned trying to close the door behind him.

                Harry jumped into action immediately and put his hand on the door preventing it from closing. He expected resistance, Niall to put up a fight, but instantly any pressure on the door stopped and it swung open. Harry nearly tumbled to the floor as he fell into the entryway. He caught himself, surprised, but when he looked up and saw Niall cowering against the wall like he had just seen a ghost, he forgot about himself.

“Niall,” he said walking towards him.

Louis walked in behind them and closed the door. When he looked at Niall, he knew immediately something wasn’t right.

“Harry, be careful,” he warned.

Harry stopped and looked in Louis direction, questioning him silently.

“Look at his face…” Louis said nervously.

And Harry did and he saw what Louis was warning about. There was pure terror written on Niall’s face and his eyes were glazed over like he was watching a movie in his mind. Harry slowly took a few steps closer, but was careful not to rush him.

“Niall?” he said softly, but when no response came he tried again, “Niall, it’s okay, it’s just me, Harry.”

As closed the gap between him and Niall, Harry let his hands touch Niall’s shoulders. He instantly felt Niall stiffen, his face contorting a little more.

“Please…” Niall begged.

It set Harry into motion. He positioned himself directly in front of Niall and got in his line of sight, trying to ignore that sickening feeling that came over him when Niall whimpered as Harry took his face in his hands.

“Hey, hey Niall, I need you to look at me, okay? Whatever you’re seeing in your brain is not real. I’m here, Louis’s here and you’re safe.”

It took a few seconds, but Niall’s eyes began to blink and come back into focus and Harry was finally able to make eye contact with him.

“Harry?” Niall asked his voice tight with fear.

Before Harry could say anything to sooth him, Harry felt Niall begin to shake. His whole body was quivering as his breaths started to come out in quick rapid gasps. Niall brought his hands up and clutched his chest.

“Niall, just try to slow your breathing and relax, okay?” Harry said trying to calm him down.

It wasn’t working. Niall tilted his head backwards and tried to keep the tears that were building up from falling out, knowing that crying would make whatever this was worse, “I can’t breathe. I can’t…” he croaked out.

Louis was suddenly standing next to Harry, “He’s having a panic attack,” he explained, “Niall, hey Niall, can you look at me?” he asked gently taking Niall’s hands into his own.

Niall chest felt like it was going to explode but somehow he brought his head back down and looked at Louis.

“Good, that was really good,” Louis praised, “Now I’m going to count to 5, I need you to focus on my voice as you try to breath into my counting, okay? Harry is going to count with us too.”

Niall gave a small nod and closed his eyes, “Just focus on my voice Niall. Breath in … 1… 2… 3… 4… 5. Okay let it out... 1… 2… 3… 4… 5…” and he repeated it several more times.

Niall’s breathing start to calm down and his body stilled, “Good job Niall; you’re doing a great job! Do you think Harry and I can help move you over to the couch so you can be more comfortable?”

“Yea…” Niall croaked out his mouth painfully dry, “Water, can I get…”

“I’ll get it right now!” Harry said running to the kitchen and back at lightning speed.

He held the glass for Niall as he drank. Niall’s hands were trembling too bad to hold onto it himself. As soon as he was done, Harry and Louis both helped him walk over to the couch.

Harry took a seat right next to Niall and Louis sat on the coffee table in front of him. They didn’t say anything for a few moments, letting Niall being his breathing back to normal. Slowly Harry placed a hand on his back and rubbed up and down, “Are you okay?” he asked.

Niall turned his head and looked at Harry with sad eyes, but didn’t respond. He turned away and looked down at his hands, continuously balling them into fists. Louis looked over at Harry and they both knew they were thinking the same thing. They knew they needed to get Niall talking.

Louis reached forward and placed a gentle hand on Niall’s knee, “I know you know what happened was a panic attack. I’ve seen you have one or two before, but that… that was intense. One of the most intense ones I’ve ever seen. Lottie used to get them,” he explained, not going into Lottie almost drowning at a friend's party when she was younger, “Do you know what caused that, so we can make sure that never happens again?”

Niall seemed to be thinking, weighing whether or not to say anything. But he was so tired, so exhausted, his mind not strong enough to put up anymore fight, “When Harry pushed against the door to stop me from closing it…” he said squeezing his eyes shut, trying desperately to not get swallowed by the memory of Barry doing the exact same thing, “... he did that. That is how he… how he... got… into my hotel room that day...”

Harry felt horrible. He hadn’t meant to do anything to hurt Niall, “Oh god, I’m so sorry Niall! I didn’t have any idea; I would have never done that if I had known,” Harry said pulling him close.

“I know,” Niall responded.

Once again the room fell silent and Harry and Louis exchange the glances they often did, a conversation without words. They both knew why they came here.

“Niall, I don’t want to push you or make you have to talk about anything that’s going to get you upset again, but we have to talk about what’s going on. You pushed everyone away; you even pushed your Mum away.”

“I don’t want to talk about that,” Niall said his teeth clenched, Harry obviously striking a nerve.

“We don’t have to talk about her, right Harry?” Louis interjected wanting to settle Niall down right away. They just needed to keep him talking.

“Oh absolutely, we don't have to talk about that at all. Can we talk about you though? Can you tell us why you haven’t talk to any of us?”

Niall shrugged, his eyes fixating on the wall, far away from Louis or Harry’s gaze.

“Did we do something wrong? Are you mad?” Harry asked, his hand still on Niall’s back.

“Why would I be mad at you guys?” Niall mumbled.

“I have no clue, but I wasn't sure so I needed to ask. But if you're not mad then why did you avoid us so much. Why did you avoid me?” Harry asked, not able to refrain from showing a little bit of the pain Niall’s ghosting had caused.

It worked a little. It hit Niall hard enough to make him react, “I wanted to be alone to deal with the things in my head. I just needed some time.”

“No offense Niall, but that time seemed to make things worse, don’t you think?” Louis said.

He looked at Louis and Louis was taken aback by the pain that was so prevalent in Niall’s usually bright blue eyes. They were dark, the color dull, it left him nearly speechless. “You have no idea what I’m feeling, okay? So don’t come in here and patronize me,” he spit out.

Harry was quick to jump in, not wanting Niall to force them to leave, “No, no, Louis didn’t mean it like that! He just meant that maybe it didn’t work out the way you hoped. Maybe pushing everyone away actually made you feel worse.”

Niall looked at Harry for a moment, his look sad but unreadable, “What do you guys want from me?”

“We want you to tell us what’s going on in your head. We want to know why you’re wearing dirty clothes and you look like you haven’t slept or eaten in days. We are worried about you. I am so so worried about you.” Harry told him laying it all out on the table. No games, just the truth.

“You know what happened to me… I’m just working through it.”

“But you’re not working through it, you’re falling apart! Come on Niall, talk to me,” Harry pleaded.

Niall lowered his head and his leg started to bounce, before he looked up with anger very apparent, “How dare you come here and demand I tell you what’s going on! This is my home. You came in here and…”

“Niall, just relax,” Louis said reaching out to him only to have his hands shoved away.

“No, I will not relax!” Niall said as he jumped to his feet, “I am so tired of people saying that whenever I freak out! There is no relaxing for me, okay. Not now, not when I’m trying to make it through my day, not when I’m sleeping! I’m never relaxed!” he yelled.

Louis didn’t miss a beat, “Okay, then what are you?” he asked.

“I’m fucking terrified, okay? I am so god damn terrified!” Niall’s voice got a little higher. He ran his hands through his hair and began pacing in a circle.

                Harry got up and walked towards Niall, putting his hands on Niall’s shoulders to hold him place.

                “Niall… talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in your head and maybe I can help you not be so terrified anymore.” Harry said gently.

                It was a long extended silence wrapping around them as no one said a word; Harry and Louis giving Niall all the time he needed.

                Niall was trying so hard to fight through this by himself. He didn’t deserve their help. But now that they were here, he didn’t have it in him to push back. He just wasn’t strong enough. He was never strong enough.

                “He’s everywhere,” Niall said so low that Harry and Louis almost couldn’t hear it, “I feel him everywhere.”

                Harry caught Louis eye for a split second, again unspoken that they both understood what was happening.

“Feel him how?” Harry asked cautiously.

That got Niall to look up. The look on his face eating at Harry, “In every way. He’s never not on my mind. I can’t stop thinking about what happened, what I let happen. I dream about him every night. My nephew was almost abducted because of me. Zayn will never be that same because of me… I can feel his…” And Niall trailed off, looking away again.

“You didn’t let anything happen Niall! You are not to blame for this. You have to stop punishing yourself.” Harry said desperate to make him understand.

“Stop, okay Stop! I hate that, people telling me not to blame myself. I do blame myself. I had a choice, I had a fucking choice! It was Zayn or Theo and I chose, I actually made that choice! Who does that?!”

“Theo is a child, a baby, If it was me or Harry or Zayn or Liam, we would never risk a child’s safety like that. We all would have chosen the same thing!” Louis said.

“No, you don’t get it! I could have tried harder, I could have convinced him to just have me. I could have done something, ANYTHING, but I handed him Zayn.”

“You didn’t hand him…”

“Yes I did! None of it would have happened if I… Do you know I watched it all happen in front of my face, every goddamn second of it?! I was tied to a fucking chair and I watched him be tortured, TORTURED! Do you have any idea what it’s like to watch someone convulse in pain?! Do you know what rape actually looks like?!  Because I do, I know what that looks like! I know what agony looks like!!!” Niall said his voice catching in his throat, “I’m just… god I’m so sorry!”

They watched as Niall leaned his face against the wall and his hands up to his hair. He yanked on it as a sob escaping his chest. Harry quickly went to him and gently laid a hand on his back, “Hey, don’t do that, you’re hurting yourself.”

“Don’t Harry! Don’t!” Niall yelled as he kept crying his back still turned.

Harry swallowed around nothing, “We just want to help you, okay, that’s all I want to do. We know you have been through so much and we just want to get you through it.”

A sound came out of Niall suddenly that sounded like laughter. And when Niall turned around and faced them, there were still tears streaming down his face, but he kept on laughing. Then suddenly, the laughter stopped and his face grew hard, “I’ve been through nothing.”

“What?” Harry asked confused.

Niall was scaring him. He was on the verge of cracking up, Harry could see that. He’d never seen Niall anywhere close to this before.

“I said I haven’t been through anything! Zayn was the one that was beaten, Zayn was the one that was raped; Zayn was the one who had a friend trick him! Zayn has been through a lot, I have not!”

Harry watched Niall trying to figure out what exactly was going on in his mind. He had a feeling in his gut that he was missing something; that there was a piece to this puzzle they weren’t seeing.

“Niall, why is this a competition? Why does it have to be Zayn had it worse? Why aren’t you allowed to hurt too?” Louis asked.

“Because what he did to me was…” And Niall hung his head and whimpered.

It hit Harry like a ton of bricks, “Niall?” Harry asked softly.

When Niall didn’t look up and just continued to cry to himself, Harry moved closer and grabbed his hand, “Niall, please look at me?”

Slowly he lifted his head and stared at Harry. “Did he… did Barry do something to you, something you didn’t tell us?” Harry asked.

Harry knew what Barry’s ultimate intentions were with Niall. He was there in the hospital when Niall had told his Mum what happened and he was able to piece together what Barry had planned on doing had no one rescued them. But that didn’t mean they had missed something; that didn’t mean that maybe there was a detail to the story that everyone overlooked.

Harry felt sick to his stomach because he knew in his gut he was right. He could tell by the way Niall’s whole body tensed for a few seconds before turning away to avoiding his eyes.

“It doesn’t matter…” Niall whispered.

“It doesn’t matter?! Of course it matters! Niall what did he do to you?” Harry asked losing all composure as nightmarish possibilities ran through his head.

When Niall didn’t respond, Harry gripped his arms and nearly shook him, “Niall, talk to me!”

“Harry!” Louis called out coming closer.

“It doesn’t matter what he did to me, because it’s nothing, NOTHING, compared to what he did to Zayn! What kind of horrible person am I that I’m feeling anything for myself!? I’m the reason Zayn is suffering! I have no right!” Niall yelled angry, upset.

Harry took a second to compose himself, knowing he was going in the right direction. Niall was talking, if he could just get him to see maybe he could get him to open up.

“Can I ask you something?”

Niall didn’t respond, he just stayed silent staring at the far wall. Harry took that as an acknowledgement to keep going.

“Do you think it’s not okay for me to feel something about what happened in New York?”

Niall turned his head and looked at Harry, but still no words came out of his mouth.

“Because I have lost a lot of sleep over it Niall. I have closed my eyes and had images play through my mind of what would have happened to me, what he would have done to me, if Zayn had not been there. I know I got really lucky and that… that’s been a hard pill to swallow. Am I a bad person for feeling that? I am I taking away ANYTHING from Zayn for feeling that?”

Harry could feel Louis’s eyes drilling a hole in the back of his head. He didn’t turn around because this was about Niall right now.

“No… no of course not! You are absolutely allowed to feel those things.” Niall said quietly.

“Then why aren’t you?”

They gave Niall the silence that fell over the room to let him think, let it all sink in. Niall chewed on his lip clearly trying to keep the shards of himself together. He couldn’t do it anymore, it was boiling and it spilled over, “I feel so guilty. I feel like what happened to Zayn, all of it, was because of me! It’s eating me alive! And then I try to sleep and I see Zayn next to me dead and Barry is there on top of me telling me that I killed him; that Zayn is dead because of me! And it’s true, I know it’s true. Then there are other times. There are times when he has videos and pictures of Theo crying because they have him, they took him. I know I’ll never see him again, that no one is ever going to see him again! And all of that, every horrible minute of that is because of me!”

He sniffled and threw his head back, “But the worst part, the worst thing is that that’s not the hardest part for me.”

Harry felt dread; he knew where this was going. He wanted to pull his friend close and just hold him, but he needed Niall to say it. He needed Niall to keep talking so they could get Niall the help he so desperately needed.

“What’s the hardest part Niall?” Louis asked trying to guide Niall so he doesn’t stop.

His eyes squeezed closed, “I can feel him. I can literally feel him all over me. I take a shower and try to wash him away and it never lasts. I try to sleep but I wake up thinking he’s right next to me. What he did to Zayn was so horrible, so… barbaric... and I have the NERVE to feel like what he did to me…” Niall trailed off, his voice giving out.

“What did he do Niall? I know you don’t think so, but you will feel so much better if you just tell us what happened.” Louis comforted

Niall’s head dropped as he played with his fingers. He took a deep shaky breath, “After Zayn agreed to come, he told me I had to take my clothes off, everything except my underwear. He watched me; he stared at me… it was disgusting He told me to take my time, go slow so he could enjoy it. When I was done he made me stand there and he looked at me. He was talking to himself, saying he had to wait, it wasn’t time… But then he came up behind me and pressed himself against me. He said that a little preview wouldn’t be so bad. I can still feel him grinding against me as he put his hands in my… underwear...”

The tears came again as he slumped his shoulders forward and stopped talking. Harry was disgusted but not surprised to hear this part of the story. The way Niall was acting suddenly made all the sense in the world.

Harry didn’t waste another moment pulling Niall to him and instantly Niall fell into the embrace and started to sob heavily. He gripped on to the fabric on Harry’s shirt as if his life depended on it. Louis stood next to them and stroked Niall’s hair.

“It’s going to be okay Niall. We’re going to make sure that you get better okay?” Louis promised.

He pulled back and tried to wipe his face with his hands, “Look at me! I’m so fucking weak; I’m such a piece of garbage. I am a mess, I am about to lose my fucking mind all because someone stuck their hands down my pants. Zayn has been through so much worse and he…”

And Louis would not let him finish. He grabbed Niall’s face with his hands and forced Niall to look at him, “Stop that! You were assaulted. You were violated and you have every right to feel the way you do about that. What happened to Zayn doesn’t cancel out what happened to you. Barry hurt you too and it’s okay to not be okay with it. It’s okay to need some help healing. It’s okay to hurt.”

It was a delay but suddenly Niall let out a loud sob and started crying again, “Oh god, oh my god!”

Louis grabbed him this time and enveloped Niall’s body with his, “It’s okay, shhh it’s okay.”

“I feel like I’m losing my mind. I feel like I’m going crazy. I can’t take this anymore, I can’t do it!” he cried into Louis’s shoulder.

Harry and Louis looked at each other nervously before Harry reached out his arms to take Niall. Louis understood instantly. They had talked about this. They needed Maura to come back and they needed to get Niall to understand he needed professional help.

“Niall, would it be okay if I call your Mum? I know you’re not speaking to her but she’s so worried,” Louis asked.

Niall sniffled, “She hates me. She won’t come... I don’t deserve her.”

“She loves you so much Niall, you have no idea. She is desperate to help you. And you most certainly deserve her. Can I please call her?”

Niall nodded as he continued to cry.

Louis called Maura right away and to her to come. Niall needed her now more than ever. She hung up almost immediately, coming as fast as she could. Once she got there, Niall went to her instantly, apologizing, begging for her forgiveness. She just broke down into tears telling him that she had forgiven him as soon as she left. Maura knew in his right mind, Niall would never do something like that to her. It was obvious his demons had gotten the best of him.

As Niall started to calm down a little, Harry and Louis were able to get Niall to tell him Mum what he had told them. Barry had molested him that day in the hotel room and Niall didn’t tell anyone, didn’t even come to terms with it happening in his own head because of the guilt that was eating him alive about Zayn.

He needed help, they all agreed, even Niall. But Maura, she was the one who made the leap and said the thing that no one else was saying. Niall was on the verge of a breakdown and even though right now he was okay, there was no sugar coating that he could regress back at any moment. She wanted him to check into a mental health clinic for a few days to get evaluated.

Surprisingly, Niall agreed without much of a fight. He told them his thoughts were getting progressively more terrifying over the past few days. He had been just about at his breaking point when Louis and Harry had shown up. And even Niall himself was worried that he might have hurt himself if he let himself go on like that much longer. There was no way he could live like that anymore.

Maura hugged him, proud that her son was stepping up and admitting that he needed help. That was the hardest step, recognizing and accepting when you can’t do it on your own.

As she guided Niall to his room to help him pack a bag, she left Louis and Harry alone.

“Thank god we came Louis,” Harry said right away, “who knows what he would have done if we showed up any later.”

“I know,” Louis agreed.

“I can’t believe this happened but... like... I knew this had happened. I felt it, ya know? I could feel it in my gut that something was wrong.”

Louis nodded and gave Harry a small nod.

“What?” Harry asked, knowing something was off, “What is it?”

“What you told Niall, is that true?”

Harry wasn’t sure what he was talking about. He had told Niall a lot of things, “Is what true?”

Louis’s face tightened, “About you having a hard time dealing with New York?”

“Louis…” Harry protested.

“No, Harry, is it true? I need to know.”

Harry paused for a second, “Yea, it was true what I said.”

“So you haven’t been sleeping, you’re having a hard time dealing with it all, and you don’t tell me?! Why wouldn’t you tell me?” Louis asked obviously hurt.

Harry’s intentions for keeping it secret were not to hurt Louis. He would never deliberately hurt Louis like that, “Because I didn’t want you to worry. I know how you get and you would have lost sleep too and worried with me and… nothing happened… I just… it’s hard not to think about the ‘what ifs’ sometimes.”

Louis could read the honesty in Harry’s eyes and the anger instantly dissipated. He closed the gap between them and pulled Harry into an embrace, “We are a team. It’s me and you, you and me always. You shouldn’t, you can’t keep things like from me. I wouldn’t keep it from you. It’s okay to think about the ‘what ifs’ because those ‘what ifs’ are serious. I just… I need you talk to me about it, okay?”

“I’m really sorry,” Harry whispered closing his eyes and breathing in Louis’s familiar scent.

“It’s okay, I’ve already forgiven you! Just please don’t keep something like that from me again,” he asked.

“Never,” Harry promised kissing Louis softly on the lips.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Louis asked.

Even though Harry didn’t he knew he owed that Louis, “Not here, not now. Let’s take care of Niall. You and I can do all this later.”

Louis agreed as Niall and Maura emerged carrying an overnight bag, exhaustion beginning to take over Niall’s face.

“You ready baby?” Maura asked.

Niall nodded and looked at Louis and Harry with gratitude, “Are you guys going to come with us? The more people the easier this might be.”

“Absolutely,” Harry agreed as Louis took Harry’s hand into his and they all head towards the door.


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! As always I'm going to start with massive thank-yous for reading, and kudos-ing and commenting!!! I really really appreciate it :) I am sorry the update took so long. With the holidays I have been doing ten thousand things and haven't had too much time to write or edit but that should change next week and go back to normal! Anyway, here is the next chapter for you guys! There is warning I will put on it. There is some EXPLICIT SEXUAL CONTENT aka SMUT. lol Hope you enjoy!!!

Zayn laid back on the bed and closed his eyes. The sound of the flowing water coming from the bathroom was like a soothing lullaby. It felt nice to release a breath, finally feeling better about everything.

He and Liam spent the day cuddling and watching movies, just shutting out the world and enjoying each other's company. It really had turned out to be a wonderful afternoon. After the stress of the past few days, it was nice to be able to do that. Now Zayn was waiting for Liam to get out of the shower so they could cuddle up in bed and watch another movie till they fell asleep.

Things were actually really good between Liam and Zayn. After Zayn was done talking to his therapist, he decided that he was going to sit down with Liam and have an open, honest discussion about everything. They spent a lot of the day talking about how Zayn was feeling, as well as what Liam was feeling. Zayn wanted him to know that his feelings were just as important in all of this.

Liam made it very clear that he _wanted_ Zayn too, but he also made it known that there was no way he would ever force the situation. And what happened the other night, he couldn’t be the cause something like that again. Zayn understood, if the tables were turned he would never be able to push Liam like that.

So at the end of the day, they had come to an agreement. They would move slowly, making sure Zayn was completely comfortable with what they were doing because 99% wasn’t good enough for Liam. They would make sure Zayn never felt like he was out of control. And most importantly, they wouldn’t force anything. Yes, they both wanted to be physical with each other, but Liam was worried that part of the reason Zayn was so desperate to be intimate was to try to drown out his memories. Zayn couldn’t deny that Liam might be right to some extent and they both knew that if that was the case, things could get ugly. Ultimately, they would wait for the right moment to happen naturally instead of forcing one.

Zayn wasn't sure what brought him out of his thoughts, but he realized right away that the water had stopped running. When Liam walked back into the bedroom a few minutes later, it literally took Zayn's breath away.

The first and most obvious thing Zayn noticed was that Liam was only wearing a towel. He was still wet from head to toe and Zayn could only think of one word to describe what he looked like; glistening. Liam was a good looking guy with a great body, but this… Zayn had never seen him like this before.

The way the water droplets dripped down his chest and spread out over his ab muscle, accentuating them, made Zayn lose all focus on anything but Liam’s glistening body. Then Liam rubbed his wet hair with a towel, his arms flexed and bulging and Zayn couldn’t tear his eyes away. There was even a moment when Zayn had to remind himself to breath.

“What?” Liam asked when he noticed Zayn’s eyes locked on him.

Zayn blinked a few times, trying to play it cool. It was embarrassing how intently Zayn was staring at him. He had to swallow a few times to get the saliva back in his mouth, “Ugh… nothing. I was just…”

But he didn’t finish, Liam was just distractingly beautiful.

Liam didn’t force Zayn to keep talking; he just smiled and went back to drying his body off. Zayn was pretty sure he could watch Liam wiping himself down all day, every day; it was quite the sight. Liam took his time rubbing himself dry, before untying and dropping the towel wrapped around his waist.

Zayn’s breath caught in his throat, shocked that Liam was about to be standing in front of him completely nude. But that didn’t happen, and Zayn couldn’t say he wasn’t disappointed. Liam had apparently put underwear on underneath the towel, so he had on only a pair of grey boxer briefs. And honestly, as much as Zayn would have enjoyed a naked Liam, he wasn’t going to complain about this view either.

They were just tight enough that they hugged the taut curve of his backside. His thighs were flexed as he stood there and the stretchy fabric hugged closed enough that it made his leg muscle even more defined than they already were. Zayn hadn’t even gotten a view of the front yet, but he was sure that would be the best part.

Liam opened one of the dresser drawers and he grabbed a pair of basketball shorts, “What are those for?” Zayn asked.

Liam looked at him confused, “Umm… to sleep.”

“Liam, you don’t have to put on a pair shorts just because I’m here. I know you’re already not sleeping naked like you like too. Although, I don’t mind… honestly… you could if you wanted…” Zayn said with a laugh.

“I just wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable like that. I… I just…”

“Liam, you can ditch the shorts, seriously.”

Liam stared at them in his hand for just a second before he looked at Zayn with a smile, “You don’t mind?”

“Of course not,” Zayn assured him.

Liam placed them back where they came from and walked to the bed and slide in next to Zayn, “So, did Louis call back with any more news about Niall?” Liam asked gesturing for Zayn to come close.

                It was like second nature now, the way Zayn fell right into Liam’s side. He curled into Liam like they were meant to be one being not two.

                Liam and Zayn had gotten a phone call from Louis and Harry as soon as they left Niall’s place. They told them everything that happened; from Niall’s mental state, to the guilt that apparently had been plaguing him, to the secret Niall had hid from all of them. Although, none of the four boys were surprised once they thought about it. It was pretty obvious if they would have looked at the writing on the wall.

                Niall had agreed to undergo a 72 voluntary psychiatric hold, once they had gotten him to open up and let Maura come back. He was just as scared as they were that he might hurt himself if he continued the way he had been living. Things were too complicated and his scars were cut too deep to do it all on his own. After the 72 hours were up, the doctor would make his recommendations about whether or not Niall should admit himself for a little while longer or just do his treatment as an outpatient. Niall was desperate for the help and had already said, he would do whatever the doctor suggested.

                “No, I don’t think anyone will hear anything until the 72 hours are up,” Zayn said.

                “I think you’re right. I’m just grateful that he’s okay and that he’s getting the help he needs. Whatever Niall needs to get better I’m 100% for it,” Liam said his fingertips starting to dance up and down Zayn’s back.

“I totally agree.”

                Their conversation fell into a comfortable silence as Zayn focused on the sensation of Liam’s fingers. He closed his eyes and relaxed his hand that was resting on Liam’s stomach. Zayn wasn’t sure if it was on purpose or just out of instinct, but his hands started to trace over the defined lines of Liam’s abs. His mind locked in on the feeling of the muscles underneath his fingers and Zayn opened his eyes to take everything in. All he could focus on was the light hair that covered Liam’s chest and abdomen; making it even more intoxicating to the touch.

He found himself really looking at Liam, his eyes tracing the line of his jaw from his ear to his chin. It was defined and chiseled yet soft enough that Liam still retained a little boyishness to him. From his chin he worked his way up to Liam’s lips, so full, so plump, so kissable. Zayn had become so distracted he hadn’t noticed Liam watching him back.

“What?” Liam asked.

Zayn turned seven shades of red before he could figure out an answer, “Nothing… just looking at you..”

“Yeah?” Liam asked, his eyebrow raised a little smirk pulling on his lips

“Yeah, you’re… so handsome… you’re perfect.” Zayn replied sheepishly.

Liam laughed, “I am not perfect… but you on the other hand!”

Liam moved his hands to cradle Zayn’s neck before leaning and kissing him. It was intense, every time Liam kissed or touched Zayn, it was overwhelmingly intense. But that was okay, Zayn loved it this way. It made him feel alive; it made him feel real. Zayn moaned just a little as he grinded up against Liam’s hip; Liam’s lips continuing to kiss him deeply.

“Zayn…” he whispered, leaving barely enough space between their lips to speak.

It was unspoken between the two of them, but they were both well aware of what Zayn’s eyes were pleading for.

“What if what happened last time…” Liam answered, understanding what Zayn was silently asking.

“It won't,” Zayn responded.

“How can you be sure? I can’t ever hurt you like that again,” Liam told Zayn, still feeling guilty about what happened.

Zayn just soothed him with a smile and a stroke of his cheek. They locked eyes and gazed at one another till Zayn slowly threw his leg over Liam’s hip. He pulled himself up until he was straddling Liam’s waist.

“Zayn…” Liam protested again, but Zayn could tell there was no fight behind it.

“We talked about this, remember? If I take control of the situation, I’ll be okay,” Zayn whispered as his lip kissed right underneath Liam’s left ear. Zayn was becoming intoxicated by the feeling of Liam’s body tensing underneath his own

                “What if… what if you’re not?” he asked breathlessly, closing his eyes and losing himself to the sensations.

                Zayn looked him square in the eye, “We’ll never know if we don’t try.”

                And just like that Zayn dove into Liam’s lips. Unsurprisingly, Liam put up no resistance and instantly wrapped his arms around Zayn’s back pulling him closer. Their kiss was raw and deep. They were becoming more and more comfortable with every single day, but they were also becoming more desperate. They needed each other on the physical level now and this was a direct result of that desire.

                It was like an outer body experience but yet Zayn was more attuned to his own body than ever before. The way his hips pushed down and grinded against Liam’s, caused sensations in his body that he could never remember feeling. It was like an explosion of all his senses all at once. There was no way Zayn could stop now.

                Liam whimpered softly each time Zayn grinded himself against Liam. Zayn could feel him, the thin fabric of his underwear not able to hide anything. Liam was clearly aroused and knowing he caused that, made Zayn just push his hips down harder.

                Without thinking, Zayn reached under his own body and wrapped his hand around Liam’s still clothed erection. It was rock hard and hot in his hand and Zayn wanted nothing more than to feel it skin to skin.

                Liam instantly threw his head back, gasping, “Jesus Christ,” his eyes squeezed shut; a look of pure bliss on his face.

                Zayn thought about all those times he had seen Liam naked when they were forced into close quarters on the buses or when they shared hotel rooms. But this, this was different, this was nothing like that. This was erotic and real and personal and intimate.

                “Can I?” Zayn asked as he pulled his hand away and let his fingertips run across the waistband of Liam’s underwear.

                “God yes, please,” Liam begged his hands shaking as he placed them on top of Zayn’s. He was desperate for Zayn to take them off.

                “No,” Zayn said pushing his hands off, “let me. I want to do this.”

                Liam listened instantly and placed his hands at his sides giving himself up. Slowly, painstakingly slow, Zayn hooked his fingers under Liam’s waistband and started to pull them down. They were both nervous but they were excited too; both of them so desperate for this.

                Zayn didn’t stop until he was tossing the underwear to the side and looking down at a naked, beautiful, Liam. His skin was slightly bronzed, even in the places he didn’t show often. He had whiffs of hair running down his chest down into his groin. It was a continuous flow, a pattern almost and there was just enough of it. It was manly and sexy and… perfect. It didn’t cover up the definition of his abs or the deep V that his hip bones created; the V that lead right to Liam’s rock hard uncut penis.

                It was big; there was no way around that. It was long, way longer than average; at least seven inches. But what surprised Zayn was how thick it was. He had known Liam had a pretty impressive length, he was pretty sure everyone knew that, but his thickness was just as impressive, well above average. In fact, Zayn wasn't completely sure his hand would wrap around the whole thing.

                “What?” Liam asked, breaking Zayn out of his trance “Is there something wrong?”

                Zayn could see Liam’s face turning deep red, embarrassment creeping in. He instantly shot that down, “No, god no! I was just admiring how gorgeous you are.”

                Zayn was surprising himself that he was being so free flowing with his words; that he was showing so much honesty. But in this moment, so personal, Zayn wanted to share everything with Liam.

                “Oh… well thanks,” Liam said still blushing.

                Zayn leaned forward and kissed him again, his lips wrapping around Liam’s bottom sucking ever so gently. His hand slowly crawled up Liam’s leg and across his balls until he wrapped it around Liam’s dick.

                The groan that left Liam’s lips was enough to send Zayn into overdrive. His teeth nipped at Liam’s lips before they made their way down his neck, latching on to the tender skin halfway between his ear and shoulder.

Liam dropped his head the side, his body on fire, “fuck,” he breathed.

                Zayn slide off him and pressed back up against Liam’s side so he could get better access and he could see all of him. He wanted to watch Liam’s face, watch the pleasure spread all over it knowing he caused it.

                His hand squeezed just a little tighter, drawing another moan from Liam as he began to stroke him. He did it softly, gently, at first, letting his fingers exploring every beautiful inch of Liam’s throbbing cock. Zayn loved the way the skin was pulled tight, that he could almost feel Liam’s heart beat in the veins that ran through it. He loved pulling back Liam’s foreskin on the stroke down and letting his thumb play with the slit; precum leaking out so steadily that the entire head of his penis was glistening. Zayn could feel himself ragingly hard, so incredibly turned on from all of this.

“Please…” Liam said barely above a whisper.

His eyes were squeezed shut and his mouth open in a silent continuous moan.

Zayn chuckled a little, “Please what?” he asked bring his lips up next to Liam’s ear.

“Fuck,” he moaned as Zayn’s breath caused goose bumps to spread down his body. His hips bucked forward involuntarily, pumping himself in Zayn’s hand.

Zayn brought his other hand across Liam’s chest and tweaked his nipple between his fingers, causing Liam’s hips to buck forward again. His hand was slick with Liam’s precum as it flowed steadily out of him now.

“Fuck, Zayn… oh fuck…please...” Liam moaned.

“Please what, Liam? I want you to tell me…” Zayn whispered again; excited to feel Liam fuck his hand again like he had hoped he would.

“Please… faster… please…” Liam begged, opening his eyes and staring into Zayn’s.

Zayn didn’t say a word as his hand gripped Liam a little tighter and he started to jerk him off at a quicker rate; picking up even more speed when he heard Liam give an approving groan.

“Yea… just like that Zayn…”

Zayn pulled back and propped himself up on his elbow so he could watch his hand swallow Liam’s dick. He loved the way Liam’s foreskin would peel back on every down stroke only to swallow the head when Zayn’s hand would push back up. He loved that he could see the streams precum leaking from the slit. He loved the way Liam’s hips were starting to meet his strokes; humping up into his fist.

Zayn could tell Liam was getting close. His breathing was starting to come out in ragged, uneven squeals. His hips were getting more desperate with each thrust as continuous whines and whimpers choked out of his throat.

Zayn couldn’t stop himself as he leaned down and took Liam’s nipple in his mouth, sucking as he felt it harden on his tongue. His teeth grazed over it as Liam’s hips violently bucked, “Fucking hell Zayn… I’m so close…”

Right then all that mattered to Zayn was to make him cum. He wanted to get Liam off more than he wanted air to breath.

He pulled off Liam’s nipple but replaced his lips with his fingers, “I want you to cum for me Liam,” Zayn whispered.

His eyes traveled between Liam’s face and Liam’s cock, not sure what he wanted to watch more; the throbbing cock in his hand or the look of absolute ecstasy on Liam’s face.

Liam’s hips were in overdrive, spasticity fucking up into Zayn’s hand with a desperate hunger. Zayn knew Liam was right there, right on the edge. With a few twists of his wrist and the brushing of his thumb over the head; Liam was sent over that edge.

It was the most intoxicating thing Zayn ever witnessed, he was sure of it. Somehow, Liam’s cock got even harder and grew even more in thickness before Liam’s entire body went ridged. He let out an animalistic grunt before Zayn felt the jolt in his hand and Liam exploded.

There were several thick shots of cum shooting out of him, the first one landing as far as Liam’s chest. Zayn watched in awe as the cum just kept pumping out of him and ran down his hand. He tore his eyes away too look up at Liam. His eyes were screwed shut, his head tossed so far back that it looked painful and his mouth was spewing out small gasps. Zayn didn’t stop stroking Liam till he was sure there was nothing left to squeeze out.

Zayn finally pulled his hand away and looked at his own hand. It was covered in Liam’s cum and he felt wholeheartedly satisfied. He had caused that. He made Liam feel that good.

“Holy hell…” Liam said after a moment of silence, his body melting into the mattress.

“Was that okay? Did I do a good job?” Zayn asked wanting to make sure Liam got everything he desired.

Liam looked at him with a light, hazy smile, “Are you kidding?! That was the hottest hand job I’ve ever gotten; get over here!”

Liam grabbed Zayn and pulled him close, turning in Zayn’s direction. He brought their bodies together as he embraced them, “I love you,” Liam told him before kissing him deeply.

Zayn lost himself again, as they kissed lazily and soft.

“Ugh I made a mess. I got it all over you too,” Liam laughed as he looked at the cum now smeared on both of their chests.

“It’s okay, I don’t mind... It’s yours,” Zayn told him.

“As sweet as that is, it’s going to dry all over us and I just showered. I am not about take another one and dried cum is a bitch to get off without yanking out chest hair.”

Liam hopped out of bed and grabbed a towel before returning and cleaning both himself and Zayn off.

“So…” Liam said with a smile, “Are you okay?”

Zayn nodded, “Yeah, I think I’m okay.”

Liam nodded before slowly guiding Zayn onto his back and placing his hand on Zayn’s stomach, “Good, because I cannot wait to do this!”

It happened so quick Zayn was completely caught off guard as Liam’s hand traveled down and in both Zayn’s shorts and underwear, immediately wrapping around his erection.

“Uhhhh.” Zayn groaned out, all five of his senses alive.

“Are you okay? Should I stop?” Liam asked as he went to pull his hand away.

“NO!” Zayn said grabbing his forearm, “No...please don’t… I really want you too...”

Liam smiled before kissing him gently, “Okay,” he said, “lift up your hips.”

Zayn did as he was told and Liam swiftly removed both his shorts and underwear in one fluid motion, leaving him completely nude as Liam stared down at him. His fingertips trailed softly over the tattoos on his chest as he chewed on his lip; Liam’s eyes eating up all of Zayn’s body.

His skin was golden. He was less hairy than Liam, which was surprising, but the hair he did have was situated right under his belly button traveling down right into the hair around Zayn’s cock. Zayn’s cock, Liam never thought he’d ever call another man’s penis perfect by dear lord was Zayn’s close. The first thing he noticed was that it was cut, unlike his own, and if Liam was being honest, it was making his mouth water. It was big, not as big as his but bigger than average, around seven inches and it was at least average in girth.

“You’re as close to perfect as they come Zayn. God, you’re gorgeous,” Liam said as his palm gripped around the base of Zayn’s cock.

Zayn was desperate for this, but fear washed over him. What if he freaked out again? What if he ruined everything again?

Liam seemed to sense his fear so he leaned down and kissed his cheek, “Hey, just keep your eyes on me okay?”

Zayn nodded and gasped as Liam wrapped his hand around his penis tightly and immediately started stroking him. It was like his every nerve ending in his body was being stimulated. His was completely aware and focused only on the pleasure Liam’s hand was causing.

Liam watched pleasure spread across Zayn’s features before leaning down even closer to Zayn so he could kiss his lips, “Does it feel good baby?” he asked in between kisses.

“God yes...” Zayn moaned letting himself relax.

That was when Liam really had at him. His hand began to work Zayn steadily but not enough to bring him to an orgasm. Liam wanted to keep Zayn at the verge of pleasure and pleasure overload for as long as possible. He wanted to make Zayn feel something he’d never felt before. He wanted Zayn to experience nothing but pleasure.

Liam kissed Zayn deeply, loving the feeling of Zayn moaning into his mouth as he squeezed just a little tighter every time his hand was around the head of Zayn’s cock. There was precum everywhere and that just made him more excited.

“Liam… this is…” Zayn said pulling away from Liam’s lips, gasping for breath.

Liam took the opportunity to suck on the front of Zayn’s neck, his hand continuing the torturous speed, “This is what babe, tell me?” he asked his tongue flicking out over the tender spot he was just latched on to.

“This is … so good…” Zayn purred.

“That’s all I want love, to make you feel good…”

Zayn groaned in response and tried to push his hips up into Liam’s hand. Liam took his other hand and gently pushed his hips down, rubbing his thumb in a continuous figure eight, “None of that. I’m doing it all.”

It was like mini explosions happening behind his eyes and Zayn let the wonderful, intense, overwhelmingly amazing feeling blanket him. He was right there, right there on the edge, ready to fall over. But Liam wasn’t going to let that happen, not yet. Liam was going to prolonging this and it was almost too much for Zayn.

“I can’t Liam…” he cried out, desperate for release.

Liam grabbed his chin and pulled his face down so they were looking at one another. He needed to make sure Zayn was okay. He’d stop in an instant if that wasn’t the case.

“Are you okay, love? Am I hurting you?” he asked, his fingertips grazing the side of Zayn’s face.

“I… I’m dying Liam… you’re torturing me… Please...” he begged.

Liam held his face but Zayn felt it instantly; the tightening his hand, the quickening of his pace.

“I want you to cum for me, baby. I want you to let go,” he whispered.

Zayn nodded only once as he felt it burning in his gut, knowing his orgasm was right there. As he felt it about to run through his body, he closed his eyes.

“No, Zayn, open your eyes. Please look at me... I want you to look at me when you cum.” Liam pleaded.

Liam watched the pleasure fill up Zayn’s pupils as his body tensed. They were locked together in the most intimate moment that could happen between two people. Liam had never experienced something so soul connecting before.

Zayn’s cock exploded in his hand and he stroked him slowly but firmly, milking drop after drop of cum out of him; loving the way he had to use his thumb to clear some of it of the cock head before the next stream came leaking out.

“Liam... liam... liam…” Zayn was moaning continuously as wave after wave of pleasure coursed through his veins; the sensation of Liam’s thumb running over his sensitive head making his body quiver every time.

Liam just kept squeezing him and stroking him, not wanting the pleasure to drain from Zayn’s body ever. He wanted to stay right here till the end of time. But it was becoming too much, Zayn was getting too sensitive.

“Liam, please…” he said his hand shakily touching Liam’s wrist, “I can’t take anymore…”

And even though Liam didn’t want to, he stopped. He looked down and admired Zayn, his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath. His torso covered in thick white cum. Liam took a snap shot in his mind of just how beautiful Zayn was like this.

After, he reluctantly grabbed the towel and proceeded to clean Zayn off and his own hand as well. Then he threw it to the side and returned to Zayn. He kissed his way back up his chest till he came back to Zayn’s lips.

Zayn was still trying to get his head around what he’s just experienced. He was dazed in the most wonderful way. Liam wasn’t his first sexual partner, but he had never experienced something so intense, so intimate. It was all mind blowing.

“I love you Liam. I love you so so much,” Zayn whispered burying his face in Liam’s neck.

“I love you too.”

“That was… that….” But he couldn’t finish, he didn’t even have a words for it.

“I know. I get it,” Liam agreed.

They stay locked together not wanting this moment to die, not wanting it to be a memory.

“Thank-you, Liam,” Zayn said his fingers grazing Liam’s cheek.

Liam just kissed him, and kept him close, “I’d do anything for you Zayn, absolutely anything.”

Zayn just closed his eyes and let the happiness and love Liam gives him fill him up. He never thought he’d get here. He never thought he’d ever really be able to do something like this. But it did happen and he had Liam to thank for it. Zayn closed his eyes and tucked himself against Liam, almost instantly falling into a deep peaceful sleep wrapped in the arms of the man he loved.


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I want to say thanks so much for commenting and leaving kudos and reading! I really really really appreciate it. I just want to apologize for the lack of an update the past week. I manage a doctors office and the week before New Years is insanely busy so I had NO TIME to do anything but work and sleep lol. But now it's over and I am back to my regular update schedule! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!!! Anyway, I really hope you guys like this next chapter :))) Thanks again guys and I'll have another update soon!

Zayn loved the sound of Liam’s heart beating in his ear. It was like he could feel Liam’s entire existence inside himself. He closed his eyes and picture Liam’s heart, big and vibrant, wrapping itself around Zayn’s, literally making them one.

                Warm fingers brushed through his hair as Liam’s voice fluttered into his ear, “Don’t you fall asleep on me,” he laughed.

                Zayn picked his head up, a little offended by Liam’s words, “What? I can’t lay here?”

                Liam looked completely confused for a moment before his eyes widened, “Oh, shit no! Damnit, why does that always happen? Ugh… no, that came out wrong… I meant, don’t fall asleep because I really want to watch these movies with you today.”

                Zayn softened instantly, feeling bad that he automatically assumed the worst. He should have known better, “I’m Sorry.”

                Liam wrapped his arms around Zayn’s back and snuggled him close to his chest. It had been two days since they were first intimate and they haven’t been able to keep their hands of each other. Whether it was little touches, cuddling like this, or full blown make-out sessions that usually lead to more of what happened the other night, it was happening almost nonstop. They just couldn’t get enough of one another.

                Zayn listened to Liam’s heart beat again and he tried to relax, but he was too aware of Liam’s bare skin underneath his own. Ever since he was able to let Liam touch him and let himself touch Liam, there had been a raging fire inside of him, a fire that was fueled by Liam.

                He couldn’t really put into words what he had been feeling the last 48 hours. It was a mixture between being reborn and being high, only this high was so much better than any high he’d ever experienced from a drug. Physically he was more relaxed than he’d been in years, but he was also wound up and ready to pounce. He wanted to explore Liam’s body over and over again and he wanted Liam to do the same to him.

The physical pleasure was great, but for Zayn it was so much more than that. He had pretty much convinced himself that he would never be able to live a ‘normal’ life. There was a deep rooted fear that no matter what he tried he would never really be able to enjoy any sexual experience. Sex had been used as a weapon against him for so long, that deep down he was sure that he would always feel dirty after. But this… this was more than he ever dreamed of. This, Liam, was all he ever needed.

His lips found their way to the skin between Liam’s pecks and he kissed him gently, loving the feeling of Liam’s chest hair against his face. He didn’t even think as he closed his eyes and kissed slowly down Liam’s torso, leaving soft wet kisses like a trail down his skin. He stopped right below his belly button, and let his tongue flick the skin a few times. He loved the way Liam’s body reacted. He loved everything about Liam’s body.

That was when he stopped and suddenly started thinking again. He was thinking about all the things he wanted to do with Liam that he knew he wasn’t quite ready for, thinking about how for the first time he was hopeful that he would get there someday. But as his lips kept leaving those oh so soft kisses under Liam’s navel and Liam’s soft moans fluttered in the air, he wondered if he was ready for that. Lord knows Zayn’s body was ready. And when he felt the beginnings of Liam's erection press against the top of his chest through those thin shorts he was wearing, Zayn stopped caring.

He brought his fingers down the sides of Liam’s body and hitched them in his waistband.

Instantly, Liam’s hands pulled him up, “No, no way!” he said with a laugh.

“Seriously babe?” Zayn asked half annoyed.

“One, you’re not ready for anything like that and don’t even try to argue with me about it. Two, you have literally touched my dick 100 times in the last three days; I cannot cum anymore right now. Three, I really, really want to snuggle up and watch these movies today.” Liam explained leaning forward to kiss Zayn’s lips.

Zayn pouted, “But baby, you’re getting hard.”

“That can wait till after I see the battle of Hogwarts,” Liam whined.

“Liam you’ve seen the battle of Hogwarts as many times as I’ve touched your dick!” Zayn teased back.

“Well I want to see it one hundred and one, okay?”

Zayn smiled at his nerdy, adorable boyfriend, “Okay, but only if you promise I can have you later!”

Liam smiled back and pulled Zayn so they were eye to eye, “Only if I can have you too?”

Zayn bit his lip before answering, “Always.”

                It took a minute but Liam eventually got the joke and both boys fell into fits of laughter, “I love you,” Liam said grazing his lips across Zayn's.

                Zayn pushed himself up and off of Liam, knowing that if he didn’t move, he never would, “I love you too you nerd! I’ll go make us popcorn and get drinks; will you get the movie ready?”

                “Sure thing babe, can you get me a coke?”

                Zayn nodded before turning and walking into the kitchen. A box of popcorn was open on the counter and he immediately went to it and put it in the microwave. As he turned to go grab two glasses for their drinks, a buzzing sound caught his attention. His cell phone was sitting on the table, a number he did not recognize flashing across the screen. Underneath the number it read, _Los Angeles, CA_.

                He only contemplated for a second before hitting ignore. Zayn, like most people, was not about to pick up a number he didn’t recognize. He turned back towards the cabinet and grabbed the two glasses and placed them on the counter. He heard the buzzing and again walked over to the table to see the exact same number that too read, _Los Angeles, CA_. Once more he hit ignore.

                As he grabbed two cans of soda and the popcorn began popping, his brain started to wonder who the hell could be calling him. There was a laundry list of people actually, but someone who would call twice… it might be someone important. Maybe it was his doctor, maybe it was the police, or maybe it was someone from the label.

                No sooner did he pour the cans into the glasses and pick one up to take a drink, did his phone start to ring again. As he approached the table for the third time, he saw that it was still the exact same number as the first two times. Zayn realized it must be important and decided to answer it.

“Hello?”

There was a momentary pause, a deep breath and then it hit him… hard, “Hi Zayn.”

Zayn’s entire body stiffened as he felt every nerve ending in his skin send waves of terror through his body. It was Barry; Barry was on the other end of the line.

Zayn didn’t feel the glass slip from his hand and shatter on the floor. All he knew was that Barry’s voice was in his ear as the world turned dark.

 

Liam sat on the couch, _Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 1_ cued up and ready to go. They were going to snuggle on the couch, watch Part 1 and part 2 of and then probably wind back up in bed exploring each other.

Liam would be lying if he didn't admit that he had been nervous to get physical with Zayn. It was completely new. For some reason he thought his skills in the bedroom might not transcend from a woman to a man and all he wanted was to make everything perfect for Zayn. But now that it's happened, Liam realized how foolish he was. The experiences between then were absolutely perfect and Liam had never felt more comfortable with someone in his life.

He could hear the popcorn popping in the distance as he reached forward to check his phone. It was then that he heard it, a glass shattering, and he knew right away something was wrong.

Liam turned towards the kitchen, “Zayn, is everything okay?”

He listened, the silence of his house almost drowning everything else out, only to hear nothing. Liam was on his feet immediately and moving. The first thing he saw were the shards of glass scattered on the floor in puddle of brown liquid. And then he saw Zayn.

Zayn was slumped on the floor not far from the spill, his cell phone lying next to him.

“Oh my god, Zayn!” Liam yelled.

He was careful through the glass and crouched down when he got to Zayn, “What happened?! What’s the matter?!” he asked grabbing Zayn’s face and making him look at him.

Zayn’s eyes were filled with terror and tears were streaked down his face. Liam could feel him shaking.

“He… he….” and Zayn couldn't say it, all he could do was reach for his phone.

Liam was confused but he looked down and noticed that it was still connected to a call, “Hello?” he said grabbing it and putting it to his ear, hearing on heavy breathing and a laugh.

Liam knew who it was. Deep in his gut he knew there was only one person it could be. But it didn’t make sense. There was no way it could be him.

“Who the hell is this!?” he yelled hoping the answer was anyone but the one he was sure of.

His hand grabbed Zayn’s and squeezed it when he heard him whimper.

“Hello Liam… do me a favor, tell Zayn to think about what I said.”

Even with the conclusion Liam had come to, it still felt like icicles running through his veins when he heard his voice. He just couldn’t make sense how or why this was happening.

“How dare you!? How dare you call here!” Liam yelled but got nothing back. It took him a second to realize Barry had hung up.

“Oh god, oh god, okay!” Liam said out loud pulling himself up from the floor before bending down and grabbing ahold of Zayn, “I know you’re upset baby, I know okay? But I need you to get up. You've got to get off this floor. There is glass everywhere, you could get hurt. Come on baby,” Liam said as he tried to channel his rage.

Barry had called Zayn. Barry had… how the hell did this happen? How was this even possible?! The gall to pick up the phone, the nerve to think he would get away with it; wasn’t he supposed to be in jail?! These thoughts swirled around Liam’s mind as he waited for Zayn to move but he didn’t.

He pushed down the anger and confusion once more and put all his focus on getting Zayn to respond. Once Zayn was safe, than he would figure everything else out.

“Zayn, Zayn!” Liam yelled grabbing Zayn’s shoulders and shaking him just forcefully enough.

It worked, Zayn’s eyes seemed to come back into focus and he searched Liam’s face for something before he spoke, “He… Liam it was… he called… he…” he croaked out reaching for Liam now, hands grabbing for anything to keep him grounded.

Zayn was become hysterical, his body shaking even worse than before. Liam immediately captured his hands, “I know baby, I know. But it’s going to be okay. I will get to the bottom of this; I will make sure it never happens again. But first, I need you to listen to me and get off the floor, okay? Please Zayn, please baby, let me help you up.”

And Zayn let him. In one swift motion, Liam pulled him off the floor and into his arms. He gripped at Liam’s shirt as he tried desperately to breath. Random words that made no sense were falling out his mouth as he clung on to Liam tighter and tighter.

Liam cradled him, the rage he had been pushing down was starting to be boiling back up as he watched Zayn fall apart.

“Shh, it’s going to be okay. I’m going to fix this, I promise.” Liam said as he hugged him close and nearly carried him back onto the living room.

He sat them down and Zayn molded himself into Liam’s side, hiding his face, not speaking. No mattered what Liam did or said, he would not speak. It just made the rage inside Liam burn hotter. He was near explosion level.

Without even thinking about what he was doing, he reached for his phone and googled the number for the police station Detective Cower worked out of. Barry was supposed to be locked up; he was supposed to have NO contact with Zayn. Liam wanted answers and he wanted them now.

After two rings a female voice came on the line asking how she may direct his call.

“I need to speak with Detective Cower right away!” he nearly yelled.

                “Please hold,” she said and music began playing in his ears.

How, HOW could this have happened?! He pulled Zayn tighter and kissed the top of his head. Every second that he was kept waiting with that god forsaken music playing was one second closer to him blowing up.

                “Sir,” the woman said finally coming back on the line, “Detective Cower is unavailable at the moment. Would you like to leave a message or have me patch you through to someone el….”

                “No!” Liam yelled cutting her off. He felt Zayn flinch next to him and he took a deep breath attempting to regain his composure, “Listen, I need to speak with him now! I don’t care if he’s hanging out with the president, you need to get him and put him on the phone!”

                This was not Liam. This was not how he talked to people, but this… this he would not tolerate. He wanted to know how Barry was able to call Zayn when he was supposed to be locked up; what privileges had been allowed and how could Liam make sure they were now taken away.

                “Sir… I already told you that he…” she spoke annoyance clearly in her voice.

                Liam wasn’t having it. They were supposed to keep Barry locked up; they were supposed to make sure Barry never ever came near Zayn again. They had failed, every last one of them had failed, and as far as Liam was concerned they were all guilty.

                “You find him and tell him that this is about the Barry Anderson case. I need to speak with him right away! Go! I’ll wait!” he yelled again, not able to hold anything back.

                “Please... Liam please…” Zayn cried beside him flinching again.

                Liam vaguely heard the receptionist tell him to hold again as he gripped Zayn tighter, pressing his lips to the side of Zayn’s face.

                “I’m sorry, Zayn, I’m so sorry. I’m taking care of this. I’ll never let this happen again!” Liam promised as his throat tighten up with hot tears stinging his eyes.

                There was no way he could keep that promise. That promise had come out of his mouth time and time again and Barry found his way back, found his way to hurt Zayn. He felt hopeless.

                “Sir?”

                “Yes? Yes I’m here,” Liam responded desperation oozing from his voice.

                “We’ve checked the building, he’s not here. I can get you someone else or I can leave him a message.”

                Liam groaned out loud and squeezed the skin between his eyes. There had to be something, there had to…

                “I need his cell phone, I… can you give me his cell phone number?!” Liam begged.

                “Sir, I cannot just hand out our Detectives cell phone…”

                “THIS IS AN EMERGENCY OKAY?! MY BOYFRIEND… my boyfriend…” he screamed, tears finally finding their way out of his eyes.

                It was frustration, it was anger, and it was the pain.

                Zayn felt like his whole world had crashed in on him. The only thing he could think about was Barry. He had told himself Barry was gone, that he might have to see him in court but otherwise, he was gone, never able to hurt him again. But his voice, just the sound of his voice as he stood in the kitchen of Liam’s home, his safe place, had broken him into shards of glass. Zayn realized there was no safe place. There was no safety, not from Barry.

                All that he had was Liam; he clung to him like a shipwreck victim clings to a raft in the open seas. Liam held all of his pieces in his hand because Liam was the person that could put him back together, if it were even possible anymore.

                They were on the couch, he remembers Liam practically carrying him out of the kitchen to the sofa, but it was a blur. Barry’s laugh, his voice running circles through his head making him remember it all; the rapes, the beatings… the unwavering terror.

                He held Liam as tight as he could, wishing he could disappear into his soul. He’d be safe there. Zayn realized Liam was on the phone, half listening to him demanding to speak with Detective Cower. It was involuntary, the way his body flinched when Liam raised his voice and said Barry’s name at the same time. Barry Anderson, his own person devil.

                Slowly, his mind was becoming clearer, the shock and haze breaking little by little. He could hear the anxiety, the desperation in Liam’s voice begging for Detective Cower’s cell phone number. Zayn could only assume he was denied his request when he heard Liam’s voice hitch and then tighten before he yelled loudly. It nearly killed Zayn when he realized Liam was crying.

That made his mind even clearer, Liam’s tears. Liam was hurting just like him. Barry hadn’t just hurt Zayn in all of this; he had hurt Liam and everyone else who loved him. He could do this; he could pull himself together.

“My… my phone Liam…” he was barely able to croak out, his throat completely dry.

Liam stopped yelling and looked at him his eyes glistening with tears, “I know love, I know he called you…”

“No Liam,” Zayn said reaching for his phone tentatively. It felt like it was made of lava now and his hand was going to be scolded as soon as he touched it, “I have Detective Cower’s number in my phone.”

Liam stared at him dumbfounded. Why hadn’t he thought about that? How stupid could he have been, of course Zayn had the Detective’s phone number.

“I… thank-you.. I’m sorry,” Liam mumbled into his phone, ignoring what the woman saying and hanging up.

“Zayn, oh god, yes of course you do,” Liam said sniffling back his tears and taking the phone from Zayn’s shaking hands.

He looked at the screen and noticed that it was a photo of him and froze. Staring back at him was a picture that he and Zayn had taken on one of the last nights they were together when they were promoting _Four_. Zayn looked happy but Liam noticed the sadness in his eyes even through the screen. How did he not notice it then? It was one of the last photos they took together before Zayn suddenly left the band. He looked at it and felt his heart physically hurt in his chest and tears blur his vision again.

“This picture… I never noticed your phone background was this picture before…”

Zayn watched the tears trickle down Liam’s cheeks and he felt tears fill his own eyes, “It’s been there since I left the band… you were always the one person… it was always you...”

And he couldn’t finish. Zayn looked down at his hands and was no longer able to hold back his cries. Liam instantly pulled him close burying his face in Zayn’s neck.

“It was Barry, Liam! Barry called me!” Zayn sobbed, “How did he… oh my god, how was he even…!?” his fingers grasping at any part of Liam they could get a grip on.

“Shhh… shhh, it’s okay. I’ve got you. We’re going to figure this out,” Liam said, pulling back and wiping his face, “I’m going to call detective Cower now, okay?”

Zayn nodded and Liam took his hand in his own and clutched it tightly. The phone only rang once before he picked up, “Detective Cower.”

Liam took a deep breath trying to push down the red hot anger that had suddenly rushed over him when he heard the detective’s voice. It didn’t work all that well.

“You promised him, you promised me and his family he would be safe! You swore that he would never come near Zayn again! You…” Liam started to yell.

Zayn instantly reached for Liam, a fresh wave of tears cascading down. He hated seeing Liam like this but it was so true, every word he was saying was true. He was supposed to be safe. This was supposed to be over! “Liam, it’s okay,” he quietly cried.

Liam didn’t hear Zayn, he was just too angry with the detective, with Barry, with the universe.

“Wait wait wait, hold on! What are you talking about? Who is this, is Zayn okay?” the detective asked trying to defuse the situation.

Liam took a deep breath before breathing out what sounded like a growl, “This is Liam, Zayn’s boyfriend… YOU PROMISED!” he yelled having to bite his lip to keep his sob in.

“Liam, please, it’s okay,” Zayn said through his tears. But with no response he just leaned forward and rested his head against Liam’s arm, crying softly.

“Okay, you’re obviously very very upset. I need you to calm down and tell me what happened. Is Zayn okay?”

“No, he is not okay, we are NOT okay. He called Zayn, Barry called Zayn’s phone. He’s supposed to be locked up… HOW THE FUCK DID HE GET ACCESS TO CALL ZAYN!? He isn’t supposed to contact him or anyone of us, that’s what you said, that’s what you PROMISED! How…” Liam trailed off, his words at a loss.

Zayn felt the sobs ripping at his chest as he continued to cry. Maybe this was all a nightmare, maybe it wasn’t real. Please god let this not be real. He felt Liam shift his arm and suddenly he was pressed against Liam’s chest, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! I don’t mean to yell Zayn. I’m just so…. fucking angry! Okay… okay… Shhh, it’s going to be okay…. Shhhh…” Liam whispered into Zayn’s ear.

“Liam!” Detective Cower yelled grabbing his attention back, “I need you to tell me exactly what happened.”

“I was waiting for Zayn to come back from the kitchen and I heard a glass break. I went in, Zayn was on the floor and there was glass everywhere. He was crying and his cell phone was... He wasn’t making sense so I… I grabbed it… it was Barry… Are you listening to me, IT WAS FUCKING BARRY!?”

Liam felt Zayn quiver when he said Barry’s name as he pressed his face deeper into him. Liam just clutched him tighter and rested his cheek on Zayn’s head, “It’s okay, I’ve got you. It’s okay,” he breathed out.

“Is Zayn okay?” Detective Cower asked.

“What do you fucking think?” Liam snapped immediately and then regretted his words instantly issuing an apology, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry… I’m just… how did this happen?” he pleaded turning his face to breath in Zayn’s hair as he held back more tears. Liam needed to be strong; Zayn needed him to be strong.

“Can I talk to Zayn? I need to talk to Zayn.”

Liam took a deep breath and pulled the phone away, “Zayn? Zayn baby… love… Detective Cower needs to talk to you okay? Can you talk to him?”

Zayn took several deep breathes trying to compose himself before pulling back and nodding slowly. Liam gently wiped the moisture from Zayn’s cheeks as he put the phone on speaker.  

“Zayn are you okay?” Detective Cower asked.

Zayn took a shaky breath and closed his eyes trying to keep his composure, “I’m… scared… really really scared…”

Liam grabbed his hand and held it tightly, “What happened? What did he say to you?” the detective asked.

He squeezed his eyes shut and focused. “My phone kept ringing. I hit ignore and they would just call back. Each time it was the same number from Los Angeles. After the third time, I thought maybe… it was the you… or one of my doctors. So… I… I picked it up. Barry was. It was Barry.”

Zayn clenched his entire body, trying not remember the sound of his voice.

“What did he say? Do you remember what he said?”

There was urgency in the detective’s voice. Liam could hear it. But all Liam wanted was answers like how the hell did this happen?

“He… umm… told me that if he wanted to make a deal… if I get you guys to stop digging, stop looking for evidence…. If I just drop that case, he’ll leave me be. He’ll disappear and never come near me again…” Zayn choked out.

Liam was outraged, “What a son of a bitch…”

“Was that all he said?” the detective asked.

“That’s… I panicked… I… that’s all I remember… I’m sorry.”

Liam pulled him close, “Don’t apologize, you’re doing great. You’re so brave Zayn,” he told him.

There was a long silence and Liam was getting enraged again, “How did this happen!? How was this allowed?” Liam demanded.

He heard a sigh on the other end and knew whatever was coming wasn’t good. He clung to Zayn wanting to make sure he had him when they were hit with whatever it was, “About ten minutes before you called me, I got a phone call from my DA. Barry was arraigned a little while ago. The DA argued remand, but the judge… they granted his bail. It was set at 2 million dollars… he posted it already.”

Liam felt everything stop. He was out, Barry was out of jail. Barry had made bail and was free!? “How did… Why would they after what he’s done, what he’s capable of?! Why the hell didn’t you call and tell us right away!”

“I was going to call you but you called first.”

“So he’s out, he’s just walking the streets a free man like nothing happened?!” Liam was furious and hurt. And when he looked at Zayn who hadn’t moved since Detective Cower dropped the bomb, he was became really worried.

“No, he’s got previsions. They made him surrender his passport. He is not allowed to leave Los Angeles County. And I am keeping surveillance on him 24/7.”

Liam just shook his head, “I… I can’t believe this…”

“Liam, he is not allowed to have contact with Zayn or Niall or any of you. I will put in a formal complaint about this. If we can prove that it was him that called, it will be enough to revoke his bail.”

As hopeful as Liam wanted to be, he knew Barry wasn’t stupid. He was sure he covered his tracks. He wouldn’t just call Zayn from a phone that could be traced to him.

“Liam, Zayn, I am going to do everything in my power to make sure you guys are safe. If he takes a piss I’m going to know about it and so will you, I promise.”

Liam didn’t believe him, he didn’t believe anyone anymore. This shouldn’t be happening, none of this should be happening. But he didn’t care, what was done was done. They weren’t given the warning; they were left uninformed and now Zayn is paying the price. There was no explanation or future promise that was going to make any of this okay.

“Yea, well we’ll see about that.”

“You have my word, okay?”

Liam just mumbled a response and waited to see if Zayn responded, he didn’t. He was nervous and his nerves were growing worse when he pulled Zayn tight and felt the limpness in his body.

“I might have some more questions later Zayn, can I call you if I do?”

Again, there was nothing from Zayn so Liam agreed for him before hanging up with the detective.

Instantly he reacted, “Zayn,” he said.

Zayn didn’t respond just letting Liam shake him as he tried to get his attention.

“Zayn!” Liam said again becoming increasingly alarmed.

When Zayn didn’t respond for the third time, Liam dropped to his knees in front of Zayn and grabbed his face in his hands. His eyes were unfocused and silent tears were rolling out.

“Zayn!!!” Liam yelled shaking him a little more.

When he didn’t responded he did it again and again, his shakes growing a little harder each time.

Finally, just as Liam was about to have a meltdown of his own, Zayn reacted. He jumped up and ran towards the far wall banging his head into as he let out a sob so loud Liam was sure it echoed. Liam went to him putting a loving hand on his back.

“Baby…”

“He’s free! HE’S FREE!!! I told you he would get out! I told you he would never get what he deserved! I TOLD YOU HE WOULD NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE!” he yelled spinning around.

Liam was terrified he had never seen Zayn like this. He hesitated for a moment before reacting, “No, he’s not free. This is just until the trial. The police are watching him; they know what he’s doing at all time. It’s going to be okay, I promise!”

“No! NO! NO IT’S NOT!!! He’s never going to stop! He’s going to come after me again Liam. I can’t…. I can’t do it… I CAN’T!” Zayn cried as he sunk down to the floor.

Liam dropped down with him and encircled him in his arms rock him back and forth. His lips were placing soft kisses on his cheek as he tried to sooth him with his words, “No he’s not, baby. I will never ever let that happen. Everything is going to be okay, you’re going to be okay.”

“Please god Liam, please don’t let him hurt me again! Please don’t,” he begged.

Liam closed his eyes and swallowed back his own emotions, “Never Zayn, he will never hurt you again. You are safe here. You are safe with me! I will NEVER let anything happen to you!”

Zayn’s body seemed to relax a little, but it didn’t quiet his sobs. So Liam did the best he could, he held him tight and soothed him gently. Liam made a silent promise to himself, he meant what he said that no one was ever going to hurt Zayn again and he would do whatever he had to make sure he kept that promise.


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thanks again as always, for leaving me comments, leaving kudos and reading this story! :) I know I say that before every chapter, but I just want everyone to know how much I appreciate it :) I would like to let everyone know a few things in regards to the last chapter. A friend brought it to my attention that it may seem like I'm spinning everything in circles when it comes to Barry and Zayn's recovery. Especially since I sometimes forget that you are only given the information that's in the chapters and I have all the information in my head. Basically what I'm getting at is: there is a method to my madness. There is a plan and I can promis you that I am not going in circles m. Barry will get what's coming for him, I can promise this! I just wanted to make sure everyone knew this and didn't get discouraged by what happened in the last chapter. Anyway, enough of my ramblings! I hope you enjoy this chapter :)))))))))

It had been three days since that horrible phone call and yet things had gone somewhat back normal. Liam and Zayn were both checking in with the detectives at least twice a day to get updates on Barry’s whereabouts. He was still very much in LA according the detectives, which was a relief to both of them.

Detective Cower also confirmed that they were investigating the phone call itself. Everyone, including Zayn and Liam, know it wasn’t going to trace back to Barry directly. Barry was a lot of things, but stupid wasn’t one of them. Surprisingly, Detective Cower told them that tracing the phone call actually gave them a lead in regards to Zayn’s case against Barry and the lead seemed promising. Both Liam and Zayn were trying to be hopeful about this news, but it was difficult considering how everything had panned out so far.

It was still early, around 10 in the morning and Zayn stood still staring out into Liam’s backyard. His eyes were making their rounds, patrolling the tree line in the distance. At any movement, Zayn felt his heartbeat speed up, even if it was only the wind.

Overall, Zayn was doing okay, he really was. But at the same time, his anxiety had reached a new level. Sleep was eluding him. He found it hard to relax, thinking about how vulnerable being asleep made him. So he would quietly sneak out of bed and walk the house, checking every door and window to make sure they were locked.

Zayn knew what he was doing was crazy. The police were 1000% sure that Barry was in LA and there was no real threat to his safety. But that didn’t stop the worry and fear that crept up in him when the house was at his quietest and Liam was unconscious next to him.

He did his best to hide it, but with each new day it became harder. Zayn was tired all the time and he would get angry more often than usual. But there was no need to worry Liam about any of this; he was worried enough about Barry. Zayn knew he just needed some time to figure everything out.

Out of nowhere, Zayn heard Liam’s sleepy voice behind him, “Hey,” he said.  
Zayn jump and spun around, “God lord, you scared me.”

Liam, dressed in only sweatpants, looking still half asleep, closed the gap between them. He wrapped his arms around Zayn from behind and pulled him close. Zayn rested his back against Liam’s chest and closed his eyes, savoring the security Liam’s presence created.

Liam’s lips grazed Zayn’s cheek, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s okay, I know you didn’t,” Zayn responded placing his hands over Liam’s and linking their fingers.

They were silent for a few minutes, Liam trying not to fall back to sleep and Zayn enjoying the security Liam provided.

“Harry and Louis called. They are leaving London now,” Liam eventually whispered,

“They should be here in about an hour and a half.”

Zayn clenched his eyes tight and was thankful Liam couldn’t see his face. He had no desire to see Harry and Louis. He felt bad thinking that because it wasn’t them, it had nothing to do with them. It was people in general. All Zayn wanted to do was stay locked up with Liam and only Liam.

“They’re still coming?” he asked, hoping he didn’t sound as annoyed as he felt.

It didn’t work. Liam straightened his body up and leaned his face forward so he could look at Zayn, “Why did you say it like that? It’s Harry and Louis, why don’t you want to see them?”

Zayn wanted to yell at Liam, _‘I don’t want to see anyone! Why can’t we be alone, just me and you?’_

But he swallowed those words, “No… of course I want to see Louis and Harry… I’m just…”

Zayn wasn’t really sure how to finish it so he just let it sit there until Liam grabbed him and spun him around. Liam gazed into Zayn’s eyes before leaning down and brushing his lips over Zayn’s. No matter how hard Zayn tried to fight it, his body always felt like putty and he melted.

“Does this have to do with Barry?” Liam asked when he pulled back, his fingers running through Zayn’s hair.

Zayn wanted to deny it, but it was no use. He couldn’t hide anything from Liam. So Zayn did all he could do and shrugged his shoulders as he looked away.

“Zayn,” Liam said his fingers making a trail down his face, “Talk to me.”

Liam’s touch was enough to make Zayn do just about anything. He turned his head back and looked into Liam’s eyes. They were filled with nothing but concern and love. And Zayn stopped fighting it.

“I’m just still trying to deal with everything,” Zayn said closing his eyes and trying to block out the memory of that phone call.

Liam pulled him into a hug and held him tightly, “It’s so easy for me to tell you not think about, to just forget it, but I know it’s not that easy. But I can tell you that it was just a phone call. He is not here and he cannot hurt you.”

Zayn didn’t say anything, he just burrowed deeper into Liam’s arms, he face buried against his neck.

“I understand why you’re not up for visitors, but I think Louis and Harry coming here is going to be good for you. It will get your mind off of it.”

Zayn just nodded in agreement. He wasn’t sure if their company would do anything to help him at all. But he was willing to try, if not for himself than for Liam.

************

Louis and Harry had arrived right about the time Liam had expected. Liam greeted them at the door, surprised to see them carrying an overnight bag.

“You’re staying?” Liam asked.

“Yea, is that a problem? Do you two love birds need privacy?” Louis said with a mischievous grin.

Liam turned a few shades of red before clearing his throat, “No, I just would have had the guest room ready. I would have put new sheets on the bed and stuff.”

“Look at you getting so domesticated on us Payno,” Louis ribbed.

“At least I can cook pancakes, Tommo!” Liam snapped back.

Harry swallowed down a laugh and interrupted them, hoping to get their bickering under control, “I think we’re okay with the sheets that are on the bed Liam, but we appreciate the thought. I mean... as long as you don’t care if we stay?”

Liam’s expression turned sincere, “Of course not guys, you’re always welcome to stay. Come on, I’ll take you upstairs so you can like get settled.”

They turned to walk up the staircase when Zayn appeared out of the kitchen, “You guys are staying tonight?” he asked, making no effort to hide his lack of enthusiasm.

Louis, Harry and Liam stopped and exchanged glances, “Yea is that okay Zayn?” Harry asked.

It took a moment, but he put a small smile on his face, “Yea, yea of course, not that it’s really my choice. It’s Liam’s house after all,” he said trying to make it seem like a joke.

No one laughed; he even had to drop his eyes to avoid the hard stare that Liam was giving him.

“Hey, you guys go on up, I’m gonna catch up with Zayn,” Louis said dropping back.

Normally Liam would argue and be the one to drop back to talk to Zayn, but he knew Louis was the next best thing. And maybe a conversation with Louis was just what Zayn needed.

Zayn turned and walked into the kitchen knowing Louis would follow him. He wasn’t completely sure why he was acting like this, especially towards Louis and Harry, but whatever it was he was feeling he felt like he had no control over it.

“Do you want us to leave?” Louis asked.

Zayn stood up against the sink, his eyes looking out the window and again, searching the tree line for any unnatural movement. His actions were so distracting; it almost tuned out Louis’s question.

So Louis spoke again when Zayn didn’t answer, “Or you could just ignore me.”

That broke Zayn out of his trance and he closed his eyes trying to gather himself. His emotions were a mixture of rage and guilt. He was so angry at the entire world but he felt horrible that he was taking it out on everyone who had done nothing but help him. He hung his head for before turning around.

“I wasn’t ignoring you, sorry.”

Louis nodded, “Do you want us to leave?” he asked again no playfulness in his voice.

“No, I already told you that. I’m just a little distracted that’s all,” Zayn explained trying to stay as vague as possible.

Louis raised his eyebrows in a suggestive way, “Liam’s that good, huh?”

Zayn felt his face heat up and he couldn’t stop the smirk from creeping onto his face, “Shut up, Louis!” he said turning away from his gaze.

“You dirty boys!” Louis said with a fake gasp, “You’ve been getting busy!”

Zayn shook his head with a laugh, “That’s none of your business,” he scolded not looking at Louis in the eye.

“So me and Harry are interrupting your little love fest, no wonder you’re in such a bad mood.”

But Zayn’s face feel right away and Louis noticed immediately, “Or... that’s not it, what is it, what’s wrong?”

It was amazing how attuned Louis could be to the people he cared about. It was also amazing how he was always the one to joke around but immediately snap into action whenever something seemed wrong. It made Louis a great person and an even greater friend.

“It’s nothing,” Zayn said turning away again. He walked towards the refrigerator and tried to change the subject, “Do you want something to drink?”

“No I don’t. I want you to tell me what’s wrong?”

Zayn went to deny it again when he heard Liam’s voice chime in, “I think you should tell them Zayn.”

He spun around and glared at Liam. It was not Liam’s place to dictate who got told and who didn’t. Barry had called Zayn, no one else. It was his choice, not Liam’s.

“Liam,” he said clearly annoyed.

“They have a right to know, especially if they’re going to go back to LA, if only for their safety,” Liam said softly, trying to defuse Zayn’s anger.

Zayn rolled his eyes and took a deep breath, “Barry called me...”

“Wait, what?!” Harry bellowed.

“Barry called me… three days ago,” he repeated.

There was silence in the kitchen for a few seconds before Louis loud voice filled the space, “You’re fucking kidding right?! How the hell did he call you, isn’t he supposed to be locked up in a cage?”

Louis was steaming from this new information, ready to go at whoever was responsible. Harry felt it and instinctively moved closer and placed a hand on Louis’s back, trying to calm him down.

Zayn bit at the insides of his cheeks to prevent the pained expression that was trying to paint his face. This was just one of the few reasons he wanted to be left alone. He didn’t want to answer questions about it; he didn’t want to talk about it.

“He made bail…” he said closing his eyes and trying to stop himself from getting worked up.

The thought of that, Barry making bail, was horrifying to him. A judge looked at the charges and evidence against him and decided that he didn’t need to be locked up at all times, really hit Zayn hard. There was no ‘making bail’ for Zayn. He would live with what Barry had done to him for the rest of his life. No matter how hard he tried, there would always be scars, both seen and unseen, as a reminder of what Barry had done to him. It was unfair that he was given any kind of freedom when he had taken so much of Zayn’s away.

“He made bail?! I don’t… why was it even offered, how was he even allowed to contact Zayn? Tell me you guys called the police?” Harry said, his words jumbling together as the urgency in his voice grew.

“Of course we called the police,” Liam said, “I called them as soon as it happened. Do you know they didn’t even let us know he made bail?! We only found out because I called.”

“Wait so you guys weren’t notified as soon as they released?” Louis asked incredulously.

“Nope, Detective Cower said he was about to call us… but that seems pretty convenient wouldn’t you say?” Liam said anger dripping from his words.

Zayn stood silent, listening to them talk around him and all he wanted to do was crawl into a hole. It wasn’t that he wasn’t dealing with it, he was, it was just that talking about it made him remember the terror he felt just from hearing Barry’s voice in his ear. It made him realize that Barry still had some form of power over him. And that was what he was trying to work through on his own.

“What did he say to you Zayn?” Louis asked bring Zayn out of his head.

Zayn swallowed hard and resisted the urge to scream at all of them, “That he would never contact me again if I dropped the charges against him...”

“Fuck him!” Louis yelled, “how… how is getting away with this?”

“He’s not going to, not if I can help! Detective Cower told me they’re going to investigate and if they can prove it was him, they’ll revoke his bail. They might be able to bring harassment charges against him,” Liam told them.

“Well, let’s hope that...” Harry started saying.

But Zayn quietly interrupted, “That is never going to happen.”

Liam connected eyes with Zayn and gave him a soft look, “You don’t know that for sure. They might…”

“No Liam, they will never be able to prove it! Don’t you guys understand it yet!? Barry held me and Niall against our will. He screwed me right there in front of him! He nearly killed me when he beat the shit out of me with his belt. And he did all of this after he spent five years, FIVE FUCKING YEARS, raping me every chance he got. Then some judge had all this evidence at his disposal. He had all the pictures they took of my battered body; he had the medical reports explaining my injuries. For god sakes, I literally had tears inside of me… like… he literally ripped me apart! Do you know how many times that man hurt me like that?! I know it was in the medical report the judge had... all the scar tissue they saw inside me when they examined me. And yet, that judge said you know what, go ahead just pay this amount of money and you can go home so you’re more comfortable! I mean… don’t you understand, he will always win; Barry doesn’t lose! It doesn’t matter what I do, what any of us do, he will ALWAYS win!”

Zayn had tears free flowing down his cheeks, his face was beat red, and his voice was hoarse from yelling. He leaned his head back and cried hard, not knowing how else to express how hopeless and angry he was.

Liam went for him, his hands reached out... “Zayn, love…”

But Zayn just violently shook his head and took a step back, “Don’t, just don’t!”

Liam froze in place and there was a pregnant silence sitting around them until Louis cleared his voice, “Zayn, he’s not going to get away with it. There is too much evidence against him. We literally walked in on him…having… forcing... there is no way around what he did to you and Niall.”

“Yea... well... now he can call and tell me all about! I have that to look forward to; hearing the voice of the man who raped me for five years checking in whenever he feels like it,” Zayn snapped back.

“That will not happen, I can promise you,” Liam said trying to calm him down.

“I just want everyone to stop making me promises they can’t keep!” Zayn yelled and everything just stopped.

Zayn knew what he said was a low blow, especially to Liam, especially when he saw the hurt run across his face. But he was frustrated and anxious and scared and nobody could really understand what he was feeling, no matter how hard they tried.

No one said anything as the clock ticking on the wall was the only sound in the room. Zayn closed his eyes and steadied his breath, “I’m sorry that was uncalled for. I just… please excuse me for a minute... “

Zayn pushed himself off the counter and took off out of the kitchen. Liam watched him leave and fought back the urge to run after him. It was obvious Zayn needed some space and as much as it killed him, Liam knew he needed to give it to him.

“You know he didn’t mean that, mate. He’s just dealing with a lot,” Louis said right away, not wanting Liam to crack.  
Liam nodded and chewed on his lip, his eyes filling with tears.

“Liam are you okay?” Harry asked.

A small sob came out of Liam’s throat before he took a deep breath and pulled himself together, “I’m just so FUCKING angry. How can they let him out, bail or no bail?! Like how is any of this right? How can anyone think…” and he trailed off as his eyes dropped to his hands, a sob right on the tip of his tongue, “I just want to fix this for him and I can’t,” he whimpered.

“Oh Liam,” Harry said wasting no time to walk over and pull him into a hug, “This isn’t yours to fix, you know that right?”

Liam nodded and pulled back, “I know that, I do. I just… I love him so much and seeing him like this… Things were going so well; he was making real progress. The nightmares haven’t been as often, he was happier, christ, he even let me touch him, finally. All I want to do is hold him in my arms and shield him from all of this. I just want to take all the bad away!”

Louis felt for Liam. He had never seen such desperation coming from him before and he understood the need to protect the one you love felt like, “You can’t take it all away Liam, no one really can. I think Zayn knows that. You just have to keep doing what you’re doing. That’s the most you can do. What did the police tell you?” he asked.

“Nothing, they said there was nothing we could do except sit and wait to see if they find anything connecting that phone call to Barry.”

“So they think Zayn’s lying,” Louis said with a bite in his voice.

“No, they believe him but if they can’t prove it, it becomes Zayn’s word against Barry’s and well… Zayn has been pretty spot on with Barry getting away with everything.”

“He’s not going to get away with any of this and he knows it! That’s why he called. He’s trying to get into Zayn’s head. He needs you to remind him of that and not lose focus on the fact that the odds are stacked against Barry. Things are always the darkest before the light Liam. This is his last push because he knows he’s back into a corner.”

Liam stood up taller and sniffled back the few tears that remained, “Son of a bitch. He played us, he played Zayn.”

Louis nodded, it becoming more and more clear, “He had his chance to sit in jail and realize that everyday Zayn is getting stronger, that he was losing all that power he once had over Zayn. What better way to mess with his head, his recovery, than to contact him?”

Liam took a few deep breaths to calm himself. Barry was playing with their heads and it was working. He couldn’t hurt Zayn anymore physically, but he could get in his mind and derail him from healing. How sick; how fucking evil...

“I need to go talk to him,” Liam said pulling out of Harry’s grasp.

Louis nodded, “Do you want us to leave, cause we will?”

“No way! Just give me and Zayn a little bit, make yourself at home.”

“Take all the time you need Liam,” Harry said as Liam turned and followed the path Zayn to taken when he stormed out of the kitchen.

Liam approached the sunroom, the only place Zayn would have gone, and saw him standing in the middle of the room staring out into the large expanse of his yard. He watched as Zayn scanned the view over and over. It was painful to watch.

“He’s not there, ya know,” Liam said quietly wanting to announce his presence; the last thing he wanted to do was scare Zayn.

Zayn froze in place but didn’t turn around, “You don’t know that for sure,” he croaked out.

Liam ignored the pull at his heartstrings and approached him slowly, “Yes I do. I talked to the detective this morning when I realized you weren’t in bed again. They have 24 hour surveillance on him. He’s very much in LA and very much NOT here.”

That caused Zayn to turn around, “You realized I…”

“That you have been waking up in the middle of the night and you’re not there when I wake up in the morning? Yeah I’ve realized Zayn,” Liam interrupted.

“But… You haven’t said anything?”

“Of course I knew you weren’t there; I can feel when you’re not. And I could only imagine what you’re feeling and so I was trying to let you to deal with this your way.

Zayn looked at him for only a second before throwing himself in Liam’s arms, burrowing in Liam’s neck. Liam just closed his eyes and squeezed him tight, “We need to talk, okay?” Liam whispered.

He felt Zayn nod into his shoulder before he gently pulled him back, keeping his hands firmly on his biceps, “You can’t keep checking the tree line every second and you can’t keep checking the windows and doors to make sure they’re locked. That’s not healthy, baby. Barry is not here, Barry is nowhere near here, and I can promise you with my whole heart that no one, and I mean NO ONE, is getting anywhere close enough to hurt you again. I have security and if that fails they’d have to get through me!”

Zayn’s heart tugged at Liam’s words but that didn’t erase the paranoia that was eating at him, “But he could be there Liam! He could be!”

“Zayn, sweetheart, no,” Liam responded gripping Zayn’s face"

“Yes Liam, he could. Or he could have sent someone and they’re just waiting, waiting for our guard to be down!”

Liam could feel Zayn’s body shaking a little so he ran his thumbs gently in circles on his cheeks as he brought his face even closer, “No, that’s not possible! No one is getting on my property without me or the security company knowing. Don’t you think I made sure of that the minute we decided to coming back here? I want to keep you safe. There is no one in those trees, the windows are always locked, the doors are always locked. Zayn, you are safe!”

Zayn closed his eyes and slumped, his body exhausted from the anxiety he had been carrying around, “It’s just… he’s in my head again Liam. I thought I had got him out, but his voice…” Zayn choked back tears.

Liam embraced him again, “That’s just it, Zayn. He wanted to get in your head. That's the whole reason he called, to mess with you. He knows you’re going forward with the investigation and he knows that you have to be getting help. He wants to control you again, take away that power you’ve gotten back. He’s scared Zayn and he hates it.”

Zayn hadn’t thought about it like that before. He just thought Barry was coming for him again, ready to harm him in the most awful of ways, but maybe Liam was right.

“I want that to be true Liam, but I’m scared. I can’t… he’s hurt me so much before…”

“That’s never going to happen again, I promise you and that’s a promise I will keep,” Liam told him before kissing his forehead.

“I’m so sorry I said that…”

“Stop,” Liam said, “You were upset. I know you didn’t mean it.”

Zayn nodded and focused on the feeling of Liam’s lips on his skin, “You’ll help me Liam; you’ll help me get through this?”

“Baby, I’d help you walked through hell if you needed me too.” Liam paused before continuing, “But I need you promise me you’re going to help yourself too. You can’t hide all of these feeling away; you have to deal with them. I can only do so much if you’re not trying.”

“I know. As long as you’re by my side, I know I can,” Zayn promised.

“I’m always by your side, always love.” Liam promised too.

They stayed in a tight embrace for a few more seconds before Zayn said he wanted to go back and talk to Harry and Louis. He owed them an apology. Things weren’t better not in the slightest, but Zayn felt less alone. They were going to keep moving forward and if nothing else, at least they were moving forward together.


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, as always I am going to start with my thank-you's or comments and kudos and reading! Every time I log in and see activity on this story it still blows my mind, so thank-you! I want to apologize for the late update, I literally have no excuse lol I have been kinda tired for the last few days and I just was too lazy to do anything productive :) I'm gonna try to not let that happen again. The next update will probably be a week from today. I am going away from Saturday to Wednesday so I'm hoping to get you guys an update Wednesday night, if not Thursday for sure! Anyway, I really hope you guys enjoy this chapter. Thanks again everyone XOXO

                Zayn felt much better when he woke up the next morning. After he and Liam had their heart to heart, he had gone back into the kitchen and apologized to Louis and Harry. This wasn’t their fault and he really appreciated everything they had done for him. This last thing he wanted was for them to feel unwelcomed. Louis and Harry refused to let Zayn apologize. This wasn’t Zayn’s fault either and he shouldn’t feel bad for expressing his feelings. Eventually they all agreed just to forget about it and enjoy the rest of the day.

                And the day did turn out to be rather enjoyable. They all went out to dinner, which was actually the first time Liam and Zayn had gone out of the house for a meal since they’d returned to England. Zayn was a little apprehensive about being outside of the safety of Liam’s home, not sure if someone was watching and waiting to pounce. But Liam could tell, he could read it in Zayn’s body language, and he was quick to try and chase those thoughts away.

                _‘It’s okay baby, no one is going to hurt you,’_ Liam had whispered as he pulled him close.

                And Liam was right, no one hurt him. In fact Zayn had a good time. He also had a good time when they went back home and spent the evening having a few drinks and playing some video games. He felt like a normal person again, even if it was only for a few hours.

                No matter how good the night was, it didn’t stop Zayn from waking up some time after 3am. His chest was heavy with anxiety and he was filled with uneasiness. But this time he didn’t walk the house checking for open windows or doors, he just rolled over and wrapped his arms around Liam. As he rested his head on Liam’s chest, he felt Liam’s hand come up and stroke his hair.

_“You okay love?”_ Liam asked, still half asleep.

_“Yeah, I’m better now.” Zayn mumbled his body relaxing._

_“Good, let’s go back to sleep. Love you,”_

Zayn kissed Liam’s chest softly, _“I love you too,”_ he whispered as he closed his eyes and fell back to sleep surprisingly quick.

Now, the next day, Zayn, Liam, Harry and Louis were all on their way to visit Niall in London. The doctors had observed Niall, had a few extensive therapy sessions and came to the conclusion that Niall would do best to check himself in for a few weeks. The guys really wanted to see how he was doing and brighten his spirits with a visit from someone other than his Mum and Dad.

“I’m a little nervous about seeing Niall,” Harry admitted to the quiet car.

Zayn saw Louis reach and take Harry’s hand from across the front seat, “He’s been sounding much better when I’ve talked to him,” Louis soothed.

Harry paused for a moment, “Yea, but you don’t get better in a few days’ time when you’re as far gone as Niall was. He was right there, right at the point of hurting himself.”

It hurt Zayn to think about, what he had dragged Niall into. He knew that it wasn’t his fault. Barry would have done whatever it was he wanted whether Zayn was around or not. But that knowledge didn’t mute the realization that Niall’s ordeal was probably caused by Zayn’s return. At the same time though, if Zayn hadn’t returned it might be Harry dealing with this kind of trauma. Barry would have had his way with Harry that night in New York; there was no doubt about that. So no matter how Zayn looked at it, someone he loved would be suffering.

“I wish he would have called me or texted me back… or something... Cause I know what that’s like. I know exactly how Niall feels,” Zayn confided his eyes dropping to his hands.

There was no time to wallow in his pain, because Liam scooted closer and slide his arm around Zayn’s waist. It was like second nature for Zayn to drop his head against Liam’s shoulder, so happy to have Liam here.

“He knew you wanted to him Zayn, he just didn’t think he deserved that help. He placed a lot of blame on himself for what happened to you,” Louis explained.

Zayn’s head shot up surprised, “He blames himself? How could he think that; how could he possibly…”

But it made sense. Of course Niall blamed himself. Barry always had a way of making you feel like everything was your fault. His actions were only caused by your reactions. He was never to blame. Zayn blamed himself for so much for so long, so of course he understood why Niall thought the same thing.

“What?” Liam asked, his fingers rubbing soft circles on Zayn’s lower back.

“I… I get it. I’ve felt the exact same thing.”

The car fell silent again as Zayn dropped his head back on Liam’s shoulder. He wondered what else he and Niall had in common now; what feelings and emotions they could talk about like they were telling ghost stories over a campfire.

“Guys, would you be offended if wanted some time alone with Niall today?” Zayn asked.

“Absolutely!” Liam said immediately.

“Of course you can, mate. I actually think that would be great for both of you,” Louis agreed as he turned off the exit.

“Guys?” Harry asked hesitantly, “Are we going to tell Niall about Barry being out on bail?”

It was like the air in the car got thinner. Zayn hated that just knowing Barry wasn’t behind bars, even if it was half a world away, caused every muscle in his body to tense up. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. He was safe, he was safe with Liam and Harry and Louis, and no one was going to hurt him.

                “I don’t know…” Liam said pulling Zayn closer, able to feel his uneasiness.

                Zayn gave Liam’s cheek a soft kiss before sitting up, “We have to tell him.”

                “Are you sure that’s a good idea, because Niall is dealing with a lot right now,” Liam said.

                “I’ve been there and I remember how I felt when I found out things were kept from me. He has a right to know,” Zayn told them.

                He saw the guilt wash through Liam’s eyes as he looked away. Zayn immediately reached for Liam’s face and guided it back in his direction, “Hey, I forgave you for that a long time ago.”

                Liam still averted his eyes and shook his head, clearly ashamed, “I should have never done that. I can’t believe I…”

                Zayn leaned forward and pushed his lips softly to Liam’s, “You were just trying to protect me. So don’t beat yourself up about it. I know your heart was in the right place.” Zayn explained when he broke their kiss.

                Liam rested his forehead against Zayn’s, “I love you,” he whispered as his thumb stroked Zayn’s cheek.

                Zayn closed his eyes and savored the feeling of Liam’s fingers and the warmth of his skin, “You have no clue how much I love you,” he whispered back, sealing it with a tender kiss.

                After several seconds, Zayn pulled his lips away and fell back into Liam’s side. His eyes caught Harry’s face in the mirror on the visor and he felt his cheeks flush when he saw the smirk on Harry’s face.

                Zayn wasted no time changing the subject, “I meant it guys, it’s not fair for us to keep anything from Niall. I know he’s dealing with a lot but it’s not right to keep anything from him. We need to tell him.”

                No one said anything for a moment before Louis spoke up, “Barry called you Zayn. It’s your call on this one and if you say tell him, than I think we all agree that we stand behind your decision.”

                Liam and Harry agreed and Zayn knew he made the right decision.

********

                They had been at the treatment center for about an hour and Niall had shown them around the facility, including his room. Even though he seemed to be in good spirits, they could tell Niall wasn’t completely himself yet. But Harry and Louis could see the difference in him was noticeable and it gave them hope.

                They were sitting around a rather particularly cozy spot in a quiet corner of the garden reminiscing about the times they had spent like this over the years. It was beautiful and bittersweet to be here now.

                “So, you guys are official huh?” Niall asked picking a piece of grass and twirling it in his fingers.

                Liam placed his hand over Zayn’s not hesitating, “Yup, best decision I’ve ever made in my life… besides auditioning for X-factor and meeting you lot.”

                “That’s great! I’m really happy for you guys.” he said with a smile, “But I’m still the biggest Larry around.”

                They all laughed before Liam chimed in, “Please, we all know Ziam’s better. You’ll figure that out soon enough.”

                “Hey, there’s room in my heart for both couples.”

                They all laughed and it was light and pure and it felt good. It had been so long since the five of them had been around each other and it was for something good. When Zayn realized it had to have been before he left the band, it hurt. God, he had missed his friends so much.

                But it came to an end when Louis cleared his throat and stood up, “I was thinking maybe Liam, Harry and I can go grab us some food and leave the two of you to talk?”

                Niall looked at Zayn and then the grass strand he was still twirling in his fingers, “Sure, if… that’s what you guys want to do. But you better bring me something back, I miss good food.”

                “Of course we’re going to bring you something back,” Harry said as he stood up and dusted his pants off, “As long as we’re allowed too. I don’t want to get you in trouble.”

                “As long as you don’t bring in drugs or alcohol it’s fine. I’m here voluntarily remember?”

                “Okay cool, Liam you coming?”

                Liam looked at Zayn, silently questioning if it was alright. He must have forgotten this was Zayn’s idea in the first place. But Zayn didn’t mind; it felt nice to be this loved by Liam.

Zayn nodded with a soft smile, “Yea go, I want to talk to Niall,” he said only loud enough for Liam to hear.

                Liam kissed Zayn’s lips as he stood up, “Call me if you need me.”

                “Oh for the love of god Liam, you’re going to grab food not flying to the moon! You won't be apart that long; let’s go,” Louis said rolling his eyes.

                “Shut up, Louis,” Liam retorted.

Zayn and Niall were listening to them argue as they were walking away, “Come on, before you run back and entwine yourself with him again.”

“Oh like you’re one to talk. You’re permanently imbedded in Harry’s arse.”

“Don’t you bring Harry into this, I don't like that!”

“Well, don’t bring Zayn into this, I don’t like that!”

“Nothing ever changes, does it?” Niall said with a laugh as their voices faded out in the distance.

Zayn looked back at Niall lounging in the grass, letting the rare sunshine bask on his face. If he had no reference point or recollection of things, he would think Niall was just spending a casual day out in the park, not sitting in a small fenced in yard in a mental health facility.

Zayn gave Niall a small smile, “Liam and Louis will argue like that till they’re dead, and I mean both dead, cause one would probably argue with the other’s one grave.”

Niall laughed and nodded in agreement before silence engulfed them. The only sound was the breeze shuffling the leave of the trees that lined the fence.

“So... I’m guessing you knew they were going to do that... leave and get food?” Niall asked.

                Zayn immediately felt like garbage. It seemed like Niall was annoyed and that was most certainly not his intention, “I’m sorry, I just wanted to talk to you alone.”

                Niall sat up straighter and his demeanor softened, “No... it’s fine. I understand… I didn’t mean anything by it… I... what do you want to talk to me about?”

                Talk about diving right into it; Niall was wasting no time. Zayn took a few seconds to gather his himself, “How are you doing Niall?” he decided to start with.

                “I’m doing good; I’m getting better.”

                Zayn turned his head, not at all about to fall for such a generic answer, “Come on Niall, I know that, I can see it. I mean... how are you... really?”

                The smile that Niall had painted on his face all day melted off and he looked up at the sky and back down to the grass before responding, “I’m… I really am doing better. I feel better, but… I have my moments. And when I have them... they’re not pretty….” he confided.

                Zayn understood exactly what he was saying, “I still have my moments Niall. There are times when I literally feel like everything is suffocating me... I get it.”

                “Yea, but… like… you’ve been…” Niall started but he stopped right away and dropped his head down mumbling to himself. _“Stop comparing your trauma to his trauma one does not cancel out the other.”_

                Right away, Zayn scooted closer to Niall so they were close enough to touch, “What did you say?” he asked.

                Niall stared at him, his eyes a little wider than usual, “It’s... it’s just something the therapist tells me to repeat… when I’m having a hard time with things.”

                Zayn had heard what Niall said to himself and he felt horrible. Maybe it wasn’t right to pry any further since Niall clearly wasn’t jumping at the chance to give to talk about it. But Zayn knew he needed a push to get him to talk sometimes, maybe Niall needed one too.

“Louis and Harry told me what you told them; about what Barry did to you before I got there... Why didn’t you tell me?”

                Niall swallowed hard and his hands began fidgeting with his shirt, then his pants and finally the grass. His eyes were avoiding Zayn’s at all costs, “It never came up,” Niall said.

                Zayn could feel how uncomfortable Niall was becoming. So he took his hand and gently rested it on his knee. He waited as Niall just stared at it, “You could have come to me when you needed someone to talk to because I completely understand how you’re feeling.”

                “Oh yeah, cause that would have been a great thing to do. ‘Hey Zayn, I know you were just held against your will, beaten, and raped, but can I cry to you about Barry sticking his hands down my pants!” Niall snapped.

                As soon as it left his lips, Niall’s face fell, “I’m so sorry, that was so uncalled for… I just sometimes… things…”

                Zayn smiled and squeezed his knee, “Things get hard, I know. I freak out sometimes too. I’m not offended.”

                “That’s the hardest part for me.”

                “What is?” Zayn asked wanting Niall to say it, understanding there was so much power in your own words.

                “Letting myself feel anything about what he did to me. Because every time I do, every time I think about myself… I just feel so... guilty,” Niall confided.

                “Niall,” Zayn said desperately, “There is nothing for you to be guilty about!”

                Niall ran his hands through his hair and shook his head, “But I called you, I fed you lies so that you would come. I’m the reason you were there and that he…”

                Zayn cut him off not wanting Niall to suffer for one more second, “You’re the reason Theo is safe. I don’t know whether you truly grasp this or not, but Barry wasn’t bluffing, he doesn’t bluff. Whoever was watching Theo would have taken him, Barry would have made sure of that and they would have done horrendous things to that little boy and… god… when I even think about it… I’m so happy it was me and not him. Because no matter what he made you feel, no matter what he made you believe, the truth is you never had a choice! Barry knew by using Theo the decision was already made for you. I have never and will never blame you for what happened that day.”

                They both fell quiet until Zayn heard him sniffling, “Hey,” he said wrapping his arm around Niall, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

                Niall half laughed and shrugged his shoulders before looking up, “I feel him sometimes, ya know... like... I can feel his hands all over my body. Does that happen to you Zayn?”

                It was hurting Zayn, almost to the point that he could feel it physically, when he saw the pain Niall’s eyes, “Yeah, it does. It’s gotten better but it still happens. There isn’t always a reason for it either... sometimes I’m just sitting there and all at once, I can feel him, I can smell him. It’s like I’m awake but I’m having a nightmare when that happens.”

                “I have nightmares too. I mean they’ve gotten a lot better since I’ve been here but they still happen. Those are…” Niall trailed off shuddering.

“Yea… the nightmares are the worst...” Zayn finished, shuddering too.

                Neither of them said anything, the only sound was the soft sniffling of Niall, “I’m glad you finally said something about what he did to you Niall. Keeping it in... that eats away at your soul”

                “I still feel like it’s doing that sometimes. Will it ever stop?” he asked, his blue eyes glistening from his tears and the sun.

                Zayn gave him a soft smile, “I don’t know if it will ever stop, but it does get better. There were times when all I would think about was what he was doing to me. I would spend countless hours wondering what made him decide to hurt me. I obsessed about when he was going to do it again because that was the one thing I was sure of, there would always be a next time. And… god…  I would just wish and pray that I could figure out a way to stop him, all I wanted was to stop him. But that’s changed now, I’m getting better every day and a big part of that is because I started talking about what happened. And I think you will get better too, it just takes time.”

                Niall nodded, “I’m listening to everything you’re telling me and I get it, I really do. It’s not my fault; I understand that that’s the truth, but it still hasn’t erased my guilt. So… I want to ask you… can I… would it be okay... if I apologized to you? I know you don’t blame and I know you never would, but I need to say it... for myself.”

                As much as Zayn didn’t want to acknowledge the outlandish idea that Niall was in anyway responsible for anything Barry did, he knew why Niall needed to do it. And if that was what Niall needed, Zayn would do whatever it took to help his friend.

                “Sure.”

                Niall closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “I’m sorry Zayn. I’m sorry that I called you and that I tricked you and that Barry hurt you again. I am so sorry all of that happened.”

                Zayn took Niall’s hands, “It’s okay. I forgave you the moment I set foot in that room. And I’m sorry too Niall. I’m sorry he hurt you, I’m sorry that I didn’t tell someone sooner what he was doing to me. Because if I did maybe he wouldn’t have hurt you, maybe none of this would have happened.”

                Niall closed his eyes and Zayn felt him squeeze his hands as a few tears fell down his cheeks, “I never blamed you either Zayn. He hurt me because he wanted too and there was nothing you could have done to stop him.”

                Zayn dropped their hands and reached for Niall pulling into a tight embrace. He felt Niall cry softly into his shoulder. He rested his own head against Niall’s and let a few of his own tears escape. After some time, they pulled apart and Niall wiped his face with a laugh, “I actually feel better. I didn’t realize how bad I needed to have this talk.”

                “I’m really glad we did, cause I needed it too,” Zayn responded feeling like some of the weight he’d been carrying had gotten lighter.

                Zayn and Niall had talked back when they were still in the hospital, but things were so fresh, so new, that the real effects of what happened in that hotel room hadn’t really begun to sink in yet. Now that they both had been dealing with the consequence long enough, it made this conversation that much more honest and important.

                Zayn hated to do this now after the sweet moment they just had, but Niall needed to know and Zayn needed to be the one to tell him.

“Niall, I need to talk to you about something else,” Zayn said the tone of his voice not sugarcoating anything.

Niall turned his entire body and stared at Zayn anxiously, “Okay?”

Zayn tried to keep himself from shaking just thinking about it. No matter how much better he

was feeling, it was still terrifying, “Barry called me a few days ago.”

                Niall’s eyes got huge and his body tensed up, “What!? How?! Isn’t he…”

                “He’s been released. The judge granted him bail and of course he had the resources to post it.”

                His words felt  like bee stings on his tongue as he told Niall, as he repressed the overwhelming terror that Barry could be anywhere at any time now.

                “Oh my god,” Niall said to barely above a whisper, his face losing color.

                “Detective Cower said they made him turn in his passport, he can’t leave Los Angeles County, and they are keeping surveillance on him, but… it’s Barry. If he wants to leave, he’ll figure out way.”

                The implications of his own words left Zayn unsettled. He had been thinking that this whole time, that no amount of policing was going to keep Barry from doing what he wanted. Just look at what he did within an hour of getting released, he called Zayn. No matter what his intentions were with that call the point was that he still did it.

                Niall must have been able to read his mind or he was thinking the same things, because he reached over and placed his hand over Zayn’s, “He’s arrogant and thinks he can’t get caught but he’s not stupid. He won’t come near you, not with the police watching his every move. And he knows Liam would kill him if he tried.”

                “I know all of that is true, but that doesn’t erase my fears. He called me... I had to hear his voice again. It felt like he was right there, right in the kitchen and everything just rushed back to me. It was like I was back in those hotel rooms he would break into to have sex with me.”

                “Don’t let it eat you up because there is nothing you can do. All you can do is stay far away from LA and keep moving forward. That’s why I’m here, that’s why I’m trying to get better, because I can’t change what he did to us,” Niall said.

                Zayn admired Niall’s courage. He expected the news about Barry to hit him harder than it did, but he was so glad he had been wrong, “I think it’s best if we both stay out of LA.” Zayn warned Niall.

                “I’m not going back there until the trial unless I have too. It’s too dangerous apparently and I… I need to heal first. Besides, I’m going to go back to Ireland for a while when I get out of here. I want to see my Dad, see my friends…”

                “See Theo?” Zayn asked, getting the hint.

                “Yeah, that’s someone else I owe an apology too, even though he doesn’t have a clue what was happened.”

                “You’re family doesn’t blame you either, ya know?” Zayn told him.

                “Well just like I needed to say it to you, I need to say it to him… and my brother.”

                Zayn nodded and left it at that, not wanting to get involved in Niall’s family dynamic. It fell silent again but it was a comfortable silence and it wasn’t unwelcomed.

                “Thank-you Zayn, thank-you for coming here, thank-you for talking to me, and thank-you for letting me apologize so I can finally try to forgive myself.”

Zayn felt himself getting choked up and had to swallow it down, “Thank-you too, for being there for me when I was finally able to tell you guys what Barry had done to me. Thank-you for not hating me when I left and for accepting me when I came back. Thank-you for being my friend.”

Niall wrapped his arm around Zayn’s shoulder, “We’re in this together Zayn.”

“We are,” Zayn said, finding strength in Niall.

When Niall stood up, he noticed Niall’s face. It was so bright all of a sudden that he almost seemed like old Niall.

“Okay enough! I don’t want to cry the whole time you guys are here. Besides, I almost forgot I was dying to show this to you as soon as I found out you were coming.”

“What is it?” Zayn asked as he stood up.

“They have an art room. It’s pretty cool. Come on!”

And Zayn followed behind Niall, leaving their pain right there in the grass behind them.


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always I wanted to say thank you so much for leaving comments, and kudos and reading! I'm so sorry this update took SOOOO long to come. I had a sudden death in my family last week while I was away on my trip and when I returned home things have just been busy and difficult. As far as I can tell, things look back on track for me so I will NOT have you guys waiting on an update any longer than usual. I actually wrote a lot while I was away, so yay to that! Anyway, I'm rambling. This next chapter is shorter than usual but the next few chapters are long, very long lol. Thanks again guys and enjoy!

“So, you and Zayn got hot and heavy, huh?” Louis asked.

                Louis, Liam and Harry were all seated around a table in the deli a few blocks from Niall’s treatment center. They had ordered their food and were waiting for their number to be called.

                Liam turned seventeen shades of red and his mouth fell open, “Louis…”

                “Stop, you’re embarrassing him!” Harry scolded.

                “Oh come on, what could he possibly be embarrassed about?” Louis asked.

                “That’s personal and it’s not nice to pry.”

                “Says the man that can’t stop prying in everyone and their mother’s business,” Louis snapped back.

                Harry was offended and his face showed it. So he quickly sat back, pursed his lips together, and didn’t say another word.

                Liam didn’t want to be the cause of a fight between them. It really wasn’t that big of a deal. They were his friends after all. It was just that this was all so new to him and he wasn’t really sure what to say. Besides, this wasn’t just about him; it was about him and Zayn. He wasn’t exactly sure he should be sharing their personal details without Zayn agreeing to it too. But then again, this was Louis and Harry, two of the people he trusted the most.

                “We haven’t had sex or anything,” he told them quietly, “But yes, if you guys must know, we fooled around.”

                Harry’s face lit up, “That’s so exciting! Good for you guys.”

                Liam laughed but felt his face heating up even worse than it had before. How exactly do you accept a compliment regarding your sex life? “Uhh… thanks mate...”

Louis eyed him, “Did you like it… being with another man?”

Liam shifted in his seat, the question making him a little uneasy, “Ughh… I…”

“Louis!” Harry scolded again.

“So let me see if I understand this. You’re allowed to celebrate him getting his dick sucked like he just graduated from Uni, but I can’t ask him if he liked being with a man? I mean that’s a valid question, considering he’s lived 22 years and he’s never been with one before! And just in case you forgot, when he was confused about all this, he came to me with questions. I don’t think I’m out of line for asking so stop acting like I am!”

“Jesus Christ!” Liam mumbled.

He was shocked. What Louis had just blurted out was brutal and Liam could tell by Harry’s face that he was upset and hurt by it. The last thing he wanted was to cause all this, so he sucked it up, “Yes, of course I liked it. I liked it a lot. It was probably the best experience... like that... I ever had.”

“Like what?” Louis inquired.

Liam blushed deeply, “Like… we didn't have oral or anything… we... ya know…”

“Oh, you jerked each other off?” Louis asked bluntly.

Liam widened his eyes, “Yeah, yeah… that’s what we did.”

Louis nodded and seemed to be thinking, “Do you want to have oral sex with him?” he eventually asked.

Liam was waiting for Harry’s _‘Louis’_ but there was nothing but Harry’s eyebrows rising. It was obvious that Louis noticed Harry’s silence because a look of guilt washed over him. Liam felt bad, but he was also annoyed. This was only happening because Louis was giving him the third degree.

“Why are you asking me these things; I feel like I’m being interrogated!?”

“Because I see the way Zayn looks at you and depends on you. I don’t want to see him get hurt any more than he already has.”

Liam was highly offended, “So you think that my feelings aren’t what Zayn’s are, that I’m confusing my feelings of friendship for love?!” he said trying to keep his voice down.

“No no, not at all! It’s just… Liam you have never been with a man, you’ve never even shown a desire to be with one and now... you’re all in. Like I know you love him, I can see it, but I just want to make sure you’re satisfied with the physical aspect of being with another man.” Louis explained.

Liam’s anger dissipated as soon as he realized Louis was just looking out for Zayn. If the tables were turned he’d be acting the same way.

“I completely understand why you’re worried, but… what I feel for Zayn, even the physical part, has always been there. As soon as I let myself accept it, I realized I have wanted this for a long time. I used to get so jealous when girls would flirt with Zayn and it was even worse when he would show any kind of interest back. I can remember a time when Zayn and I went to some club and there were these girls. They were just hanging out with us at our table, but then Zayn and one of them went out on the dance floor. I was enraged, so enraged that I left, I literally took off and went back to the hotel without telling him. He was so pissed when he came back and he demanded to know why I would do that. I didn’t know why, I couldn’t even explain it to myself at the time. So I had to make up some excuse like I felt really sick and I was too drunk to think about telling him I was leaving. It’s always been there Lou, I just didn’t admit it to myself. And as far as being satisfied, the answer is absolutely. I mean we haven’t done anything but use our hands, but I want so much more. I can’t wait to experience it all with him. But Zayn needs time and to move at the pace he sets. But believe me; I want him like that. I want him more than I’ve ever wanted anyone.”

Louis listened intently to what Liam was saying and seemed satisfied by his words.

“So do you believe me or what?” Liam asked.

Louis nodded and then a devious grin slowly spread across his face, “You’re just dying to suck Zayn’s dick aren’t you?”

Liam nearly fell over and as he was about to tell Louis what a raging twat he was when their number was called out. He had never been more thankful for the interruption and he didn’t miss the opportunity to jump up, “I’ll get the food!” he said nearly running from the table.

As he stood at the counter waiting for all the bags, he couldn’t help but overhear Harry and Louis’s conversation behind him.

“Harry love, I owe you and apology… I was being…”

“You were being a wanker!” Harry interjected angrily.

“I know, I’m so sorry,” Louis said sincerely.

“Why did you snap at me like that? That really hurt my feelings Lou!”

Liam could actually hear Louis’s nonverbal reaction to Harry’s words. He knew Louis felt like garbage.

“I’m just a little on edge, okay? Hearing about Barry calling Zayn, knowing that he’s out on bail, seeing Niall locked up in that place… it’s all getting to me.” Louis confessed.

“Okay, but none of that is my fault! I didn’t do anything… You could have told me that instead of talking at me,” Harry said hurtfully.

“God, I know, I’m sorry, like really really sorry.”

Harry paused for just a moment, “I forgive you Louis. I just hope next time you’ll talk to me about what’s bothering you instead of acting like a shithead.”

Liam heard Louis sigh, “I'm just so worried he's going to come for you Harry especially when we go back to LA… I'll kill him, ya know, like I will actually murder him.”

He hated interrupting them, especially in the middle of such a serious moment, but he had the bags and nowhere else to go, “I’m sorry guys… but...”

“No, no don’t apologize, we’re good, we’re ready to go. And… I’m really sorry about all of this, I’m sure you heard most of that...” Louis said as he jumped up and took one of the bags from Liam's hands.

“It’s fine, Lou. I completely understand how you’re feeling.” Liam told him walking out into the parking lot, “And I know it’s really not my place, but I think you guys should stay out of LA as long as you can… you know, for safety reasons.”

Louis and Harry looked at one another and then back at Liam. It was obvious without them saying a word that they agreed. It was also obvious that Harry and Louis would continue their conversation later when they were alone.

“I couldn’t agree more,” Louis said opening the back passenger door and putting the bag of food down on the seat.

Liam followed suite and quietly climbed in as well. The car filled with an awkward silence and Liam grabbed his phone to distract himself, even though it was short drive. To his surprise, he had three missed calls from a number he did not recognize and a voicemail. Immediately, he was filled with anxiety, remembering the last time an unknown number had called. What if it was Barry? What if Barry decided to harass him now? There was no telling what Liam would do if Barry was calling to taunt him about Zayn.

But Liam didn’t hesitate and he went into his voicemail and played it.

“ _Hello Liam, this is Dr. Decker, Zayn’s therapist. I am so sorry to be calling you, but I’m beginning to get worried. Zayn and I were supposed to have another session over Skype two days ago and Zayn never responded when I tried to reach out to him. He has yet to reach out to me in any way to reschedule and that’s just so unlike him. I want to make sure he is okay and safe. If you could give me a call back on this number, it would be really appreciated, thank-you.”_

The relief that it wasn’t Barry was short lived. As Liam hung up, he felt all his emotions swirling around inside him so fast, that he wasn’t sure what he was actually feeling. Zayn missed a therapy session? He hadn’t even attempted to reach out to her in over two days?! Zayn and Liam had talked yesterday and Zayn promised he was going to keep pushing himself to get better. He had promised if it was getting too hard he would talk to Liam about it, no secrets. Liam felt betrayed. Liam felt lied to.

“Everything okay?” Harry asked shaking Liam out of his thoughts.

Liam looked up and noticed Harry staring at him intently with a worried expression. He quickly put on his best poker face and tried to put what he was feeling in the back of his mind. This was between him and Zayn and until they spoke he was going to keep it that way, “Yeah, it was… just… my sister. She was asking me about something for my Mum.”

Harry nodded but Liam wasn’t sure he believed him. Either way, he didn’t push the issue.

They arrived back at the treatment center barely two minutes later. They found Zayn and Niall waiting for them in the visitors lounge. Niall nearly jumped out of his chair when they walked in.

“I cannot even begin to tell you how ready I am for this meal. It had been 84 years since I’ve eaten good food,” his mouth nearly watering as he said it.

“Dear god Niall, what are they starving you in here mate?” Louis said, clutching the bag tighter.

“No, but nothing taste anything like what you have in that bag. Come on, we can go back out into the garden and eat.”

They all followed, Liam falling behind Louis, Harry and Niall. Almost instantly, Zayn came up next to him, “Did you get me the sandwich I like?” he asked, taking Liam’s arm into his own.

Liam looked at him for a moment and that swirl of emotions was back. He had no idea what one was going to take the lead until it did, “Yup,” Liam said curtly.

He was surprised himself how vicious it sounded and he knew right away that Zayn heard it because Zayn’s eyes grew wide and then confusion spread across his face. Liam felt bad for snapping but he was still angry and he still wasn’t sure what emotion was leading the charge.

Liam could feel Zayn tense next to him and he cursed himself. He should have tried to control his emotions better because this was not the time or place to have this conversation.

“Are you okay?” Zayn asked nervously.

“I’m fine,” he said back a little too quickly and Liam knew Zayn was aware that he was definitely not _fine_.

“Liam,” he pleaded as he stopped walking but stayed attached to Liam’s arm. Liam had no choice but to stop moving too.

“Not now Zayn. We’re here for Niall,” he said avoiding Zayn’s eyes.

“Are you mad at me?” Zayn asked clearly beginning to panic.

Liam sighed, “Zayn, please, not now...”

“So you are mad at me… What could I have done in the time you left till now?” Zayn asked, his arm still gripping Liam’s.

“I really don’t want to do this here, Zayn. They’re waiting for us…”

“Don’t do this to me! Now that I know you’re mad, I’ll go crazy if you make me wait till later. Can you at please just tell me what’s wrong?” Zayn begged.

Liam fought internally whether he should say it or not say it. The look in Zayn’s eyes though, the desperation to know what was wrong made the decision for Liam, “You’re therapist called me. Were you just never going to talk to her again? We’re you going hope I never found out?”

Guilt washed over Zayn’s face and Liam didn’t need any further confirmation that it was true. It actually hit Liam harder than he was expecting.

“I… I just needed… I needed to… clear my head...” Zayn tried to explain, stumbling over his words.

“She could have helped you with that!” Liam shot back right away.

Zayn coaled back a little, “I know… I just… I was trying to deal with,” he swallowed and closed his eyes, “... to deal with Barry’s phone call. I was confused and upset and I just needed time to process it all. Weren’t you the one saying you wanted me to deal with it in my own way?”

“I also said that I can’t help you if you don’t help yourself,” Liam reminded him.

“Oh… so this is how it’s going to be, huh? I have a little slip up and you’re going to wipe your hands clean. Are me and all my problems too heavy to hold up?” Zayn’s words were laced with pain.

Liam knew he started this and he should have held his emotions back till they had gotten home. But the way Zayn was acting, like he didn’t have a right to be upset was not helping him simmer down, “Stop that! If there is one thing I have been, it’s unwaveringly supportive of you. Don’t you dare say some shit like that me!”

“I can’t read your mind and I can’t fix any of this if you don’t tell me what you need from me!” Zayn pleaded on the verge of tears.

“I don’t know Zayn… I just... I feel like you lied to me!”

“But I didn’t!” Zayn defended.

“Yes you did!”

“Really? When did I lie to you Liam?”

“We had a conversation yesterday about how you were coping with everything and what we were going to do to get through this. And you know what, that would have been a really good moment to be like, ‘hey I haven’t talked to my therapist since it happened!’ But no, you deliberately kept that from me because you knew I would freak out,” Liam yelled, finally pulling his arm out of Zayn’s grasp.

                Zayn looked down at his own hands and seemed to be in shock for a second before turning and staring at Liam, “I wasn’t thinking about my therapist when we talked… I was just trying to get a grip on the situation. If me leaving that out is lying then I’m sorry, but it wasn’t deliberate and I wasn’t trying to keep it from you. Liam, I would never purposefully keep anything from you,” Zayn explained, his voice barely loud enough for Liam to hear him.

                Liam waited a minute letting Zayn’s words sink in. He believed Zayn, but it didn’t erase everything he was feeling, “I hear you Zayn, but I still feel lied to…”

                And that was what sent Zayn over the edge, “I literally CANNOT do this Liam. If you’re going to be mad and not listen to what I’m trying to explain to you, than I don’t know what else I can say to you. I have too much I’m trying to deal with, I don’t need this right now!”

                Liam was shocked and opened his mouth to say something when he heard Harry’s voice coming towards them, “We were wondering if we lost the two of you. Come on, we want to eat and we’re waiting for you guys.”

                They both stared at Harry and Harry seemed to sense right away something was off, “I mean... if you guys… NEED some time… we can…”

                “No, it’s all good. We’re coming,” Liam said as he turned and walked towards Harry.

                He thought about just walking away and not looking back, anger still very much controlling him. But his unyielding need to make sure Zayn was always okay was stronger than all that. He turned and looked at Zayn, who looked like he was about to burst into tears.

“Come on love. They’re waiting for us…” Liam said.

                Zayn nodded slowly and walked towards them, his face still twisted as if he was holding back tears, “For what it’s worth, I’m really am sorry Liam,” he told him softly in his ear.

                That was what softened Liam a little more. He reached for Zayn’s hand, only to have Zayn pull it right from his grasp and walk a little faster till he was in front of Liam not next to him.

                Liam swallowed down the lump that had just grown in his throat and wondered how big of a mistake this could turn out to be.


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you guys sooo sooo much for all the comments, and kudos and interest! I also want to apologize for the last chapter because it was short and Zayn and Liam were not in a good place. But I promise it serves a purpose. Hopefully, you guys are happy with this next chapter! I already have the following chapter written so I am getting to editing right away! Anyway, enjoy and look for the next update very soon!

                The rest of the day visiting Niall was nice, but uncomfortable. Although, not nearly as uncomfortable as the two hour car ride home. Liam and Zayn sat in the backseat as far away from each other as possible. Louis and Harry tried to keep conversation but they could tell by both Liam and Zayn’s demeanor, that something was wrong. It was not a far reach to say everyone was grateful when they finally returned to Surrey.

                When they walked back in the house, Zayn immediately told them he was exhausted and needed to go lie down. Louis saw the pained expression on Liam’s face and pulled him into the kitchen to talk.

                “I think me and Harry are just going to head back to London. I can tell something’s wrong and I think you guys might need your privacy.”

                Liam felt even worse. The last thing he wanted was for Louis and Harry to feel unwelcomed. And he certainly didn’t want them to drive back to London after just spending two hours driving back from London, “No way Louis, you and Harry are staying. Me and Zayn are just having a disagreement.”

                “About what?” Louis asked.

                Liam was hesitant to tell him. But if there was anyone he could go to for advice, it was Louis, “Zayn’s therapist called me… apparently he missed an appointment and hasn’t called her since.”

                Louis nodded slowly, “So, you’re pissed and you told him about it?”

                “Yeah I’m pissed,” Liam said throwing his hand in the air, “That was the one thing I asked of him, to keep helping himself! I will do anything he asks, I will support him in any way he needs. But I CANNOT help him if he doesn’t help himself. And what really gets me is he had the opportunity to tell me and he didn’t! I feel… I feel like he lied to me!”

                Louis took a few seconds before speaking, “Is there anything else you’d like to add before I give you my advice?” he asked.

                “No.”

                “Okay, first let’s make this clear, you’re not wrong for being mad, I’d be pissed too. But Liam, he didn’t lie to you…”

                “He did though!” Liam argued.

                “No, he didn’t. What he did was keep it from you and that’s not the same thing,” Louis explained.

                “It feels like a lie to me…” Liam mumbled.

                “Well it wasn’t.... Look, you have to put yourself in Zayn’s shoes. He keeps getting hit time and time again with one blow after another. He took that phone call hard, Liam. I’m sure it was a lot to take in, maybe he just needed sometime to figure it all out.” Louis explained.

                Liam sighed, “I know… I just feel like if I didn't confront him would he have ever told me? And what’s going to happen next time something happens, is he going to keep that from me too?”

                “I bet that’s not what you said to him. I bet you went at him and he got defensive and you both got your panties in a twist. Why don’t you go talk to him and explain everything you’re feeling, let him explain everything he’s feeling,” Louis suggested.

                Liam knew Louis was right. He had responded out of emotion. His feeling were coming from the right place, they were just coming out wrong. Anger should have never been the emotion that he led with and now he needed to go fix the mess he made.

                “I should go talk to him...”

                “yeah , I think so. Do you want me and Harry to leave cause we will?” Louis asked again.

                “Louis, I already told you no way!”

                Louis smiled, “Alright, how about Harry and I go grab dinner. We will bring you two back something and give you guys some time alone.”

                “That sounds perfect.”

 

*******

                Liam walked into his bedroom, the one that was now as much Zayn’s as it was his, and saw Zayn lying on the bed. He was curled up on his side with his back to him. Without even seeing his face, Liam knew Zayn was upset. It was radiating off his body.

                He took a deep breath and kept walking further into the bedroom, making no effort to be quiet. Liam wanted to make his presence known. As he rounded the bed, Zayn’s face came into view. He made no efforts in acknowledging Liam, keeping his eyes fixated out the window.

                Liam felt terrible. It didn’t cancel out everything else he was feeling but it did minimize it. He took a few more tentative steps towards the bed and sat down next to Zayn.

                “Zayn…?” his voice was barely audibly as he said it.

                There was a lengthy pause and Liam wondered for a moment if maybe Zayn didn't hear him,

“What do you want Liam?” Zayn asked eventually.

Liam froze, surprised by how cold Zayn’s voice sounded. He wasn’t expecting it, “I want to talk… I don’t…”

“Do you want to accuse me of lying to you again?” Zayn spit at him as his eyes finally shifted from the window.

Liam was shocked and he flinched at Zayn’s words. This was exactly what he didn’t want to happen.

“I did feel lied to Zayn… I’m not going to apologize for how I feel. I’ll apologize for the way I approached it and the way I made you feel.”

“I don’t want you to apologize for the way you feel, Liam! I would never expect you to do that. This is about how little faith you have in me! You tell me you love me and that you trust me and… that were partners and… you think that I would PURPOSEFULLY keep something from you!? Like… how could you… how could you possibly… I hate liars! You know that!”

Liam was stunned; this was not at all how he had expected this conversation to go. He tried to gain control of the situation by saying Zayn’s name several times only to be ignored.

“Zayn!” he yelled for the sixth time.

“What!?” Zayn finally yelled back.

They stared at each other, Liam reading the anger on Zayn’s face and trying to get a grip on his own.

“I’m sorry, okay? I had no idea that what I said would make you feel like… this…” Liam tried to explain, his hand reaching to rest on Zayn’s leg.

Zayn pulled his leg back instantly and sat up, “This has nothing to do with what you said. This is about what you _meant,_ what you were insinuating when you called me a liar! You don’t trust me!”

Liam hadn’t seen Zayn like this in a long time, if ever, and he wanted desperately to talk him down. But Liam also felt himself getting defensive. That had always been his nature and he was trying desperately to control it because he knew if he snapped back too hard, things were going to go from bad to worse.

“You’re making this into something it isn’t,” he tried to explain.

“No Liam, YOU did that when you started this!” Zayn said pointing his finger for emphasis.

Liam got even more annoyed, even though he was trying so hard not to, “I’m trying to talk to you about this like a civilized human being and you’re not even trying to listen! Are you even remotely interested in fixing this?”

Zayn pulled his legs closer to his torso and glared at Liam, “Why should I, you might think I’m lying.”

And that was what sent Liam over the edge. He jumped up from the bed and ran his fingers through his hair, flabbergasted, “You’re acting like a child!”

“How dare you?!” Zayn yelled back.

“No, you are acting like a child! I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry that I made you feel this way! I’m sorry that you don’t think I trust you! But… you have to see it from my perspective. I was really upset and worried when your therapist called me. You’ve been doing so well and you missed your appointment... and then you… ghosted her and you neglected to even mention it to me at all in the last two days. I mean like, is this how it’s going to be now? You’re going to have your secrets and avoid telling me the bad stuff? Are you just going to give up on yourself and expect me to...”

Liam stopped himself knowing what was about to come out of his mouth wouldn’t do any good. Zayn’s eyes were digging into his soul, pain, anger, and rage oozing from them.

“Expect you to what Liam?” Zayn growled.

“Zayn…”

“No, I want you to say it. I’m going to give up on myself and expect you to what?”

Liam took a breath but he barely felt air getting into his lungs, “Zayn, stop! It’s…”

“Just say it! It was so close to coming out of your mouth that you must have been thinking it, so say it!”

“I… I’m just worried you’re growing... that you’ll… depend on me too much… but let me explain...”

The color drained from Zayn’s face before he quickly jumped up and stormed into the bathroom, “Fuck you, Liam!” he yelled out his voice broking.

Liam tried to grab his arm, but Zayn yanked it away, “Zayn, no please… let me explain! I don’t mean it the way it sounds…”

“No!” Zayn yelled, grabbing a hold of the door, preparing to slam it, “How could… how could you say that me?!”

Liam pushed back against the door, refusing to let Zayn slam it. This needed to end now and to do that he needed Zayn to let him explain himself.

“Please Zayn,” Liam whimpered, “Let me explain what I meant!”

He felt the pressure on the other side of the door disappear and he waited a good three seconds before pushing it; it opened easily. Right away, Liam caught sight of Zayn sitting on the edge of the bathtub, his head in his hands and his body shaking with sobs.

Liam never felt so shitty in his life. How did they get here? Why did Liam let it get to this? He was cursing himself for saying anything in the first place, but then again, how could he not?

                “Zayn,” he said his own voice cracking with emotion.

                Zayn shook his head back and forth not bothering to look up, “Just leave me alone Liam, please just go.”

                There was no way Liam would ever leave him like this, especially when all this was his fault, “I… I’m so sorry…”

                Zayn sniffled, “Don’t apologize for how you feel.”

                And just like that they were back to square one. Instead of reacting though, he took a deep breath and went and sat down next to Zayn. They don’t move or speak for a while; the only sound was Zayn’s quiet sobs.

Liam tentatively reached for Zayn’s hand and was surprised Zayn didn’t pull back. He let Liam take it, but it did make him cry harder.

“Zayn I did NOT mean that you can’t depend on me! God, that is exactly what I want you to do. I am here to help you, love you, and make sure you don’t have to deal with any of this by yourself… What I was trying to say... was… you missing a therapy session and consciously making the choice to not get in touch with her… that scares the hell out of me! All I could think about was what if you stopped helping yourself? What if you weren’t dealing and you weren’t going to try anymore? What if you give up? I can’t… I know what that would do to you and… god dammit Zayn that would kill me because I know I would lose you… and I can’t Zayn… I can’t lose you!”

Zayn kept crying softly, his hand clinging to Liam’s. Liam was terrified he wasn’t going to say anything, maybe he had screwed up too bad and his words couldn’t fix this. But eventually, Zayn looked at Liam, “I’m not giving up, I would never give up. Don’t you have any faith in me?”

It was a brutal question, but one that Zayn said with honesty. Zayn wasn’t attack him, not at all, and it made Liam wish he was because that would be easier to take.

“Oh god Zayn, of course I have faith in you!” Liam said begging Zayn to believe him.

“Then why would you assume the worst? Why would you assume that I was going to just throw everything away? That I would throw US away? I had a setback, a little bump in the road… I…”

Zayn fell silent and let his eyes fall down into his lap. Liam said nothing, knowing Zayn was going to continue, he just needed a moment. When he finally looked back up, tears were sliding down his face again and it was clear he was trying desperately to not lose his composure.

“You have no idea what it was like to hear… Barry’s… voice… again? I know… it was just his voice, from halfway around the world. But I… I thought he would never be able to talk to me again. I thought I was finally safe…”

“Baby you are safe, I promise!” Liam said reaching for Zayn’s other hand.

“I know Liam; I know I’m safe… here. But I’m… I’m not safe from all the memories and hearing his voice… I felt like all my progress was gone in a second. I was his again… ” Zayn said, sniffling back tears as he talked.

“Why didn’t you tell me this? You could have told me all this and I would have understood. I would have NEVER…”

“Because I… I just didn’t want to talk about it… that’s why I didn’t reschedule my session. I was overwhelmed and upset and… scared… and I just need a few days, that’s all… I swear!” he cried.

Liam looked at him. He looked so small, almost like he was folding in on himself as he continued to cry. Liam didn’t think twice before reaching and wrapping his arms around Zayn, pulling him close. It was then that Zayn really let lose, sobbing loudly into Liam’s chest.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I should’ve never come at you. I should have trusted you and realized just how hard all this has been… God, I’m stupid and such a jerk and… I’m so sorry!”

Zayn’s sobs were heavy and heartbreaking, “Please forgive me Liam... I don’t want Barry to take you away from me too.”

It made Liam freeze, horrified by Zayn’s words. He pulled Zayn from his chest, holding him by his shoulders, “That will NEVER happen! You and I are having a little disagreement, that’s all! People in relationships fight all the time; it’s perfectly natural and it’s healthy. But listen to me, Barry will never drive me away from you, ever, EVER!”

Zayn fell forward into Liam. Liam hug him tight as he could; Zayn’s whole body shaking as he sobbed.

“I should have realized what all this must have been doing to you and I should have given you the benefit of the doubt. I love you so much Zayn, I’m so sorry!” Liam told him as he rocked Zayn back and forth.

Zayn didn’t respond with words, he just let Liam hold him as he cried out all his frustrations and anxieties. Eventually, his cries grew quiet but he stayed in Liam’s arms trying to get his breathing to return to normal.

“I’m so sorry…” Liam whispered again, his lips kissing the top of Zayn’s head.

Zayn took a deep breath before pulling away from Liam. He wiped his nose and cleared his throat a few times before he could get words out, “I know you are and I forgive you. I’m just stressed and overwhelmed and I let it all out on you before. I know your heart was in the right place, it always is,” he said with a small smile.

“I still should have thought about what I was doing before I reacted. I could have saved us from a lot of this. I… really do just want you to get better though. That’s all it was about!”

Zayn slide closer to Liam and rested his head on Liam’s shoulder, “I am going to call her, my therapist. That was always my plan. I’ve come too far to let Barry get anymore of me. I just needed a few days to get my head back on straight. It really hit me hard… him calling…” Zayn said.

He closed his eyes and tried to block out the sound of Barry’s voice playing on repeat. He hated that it was happening again. Zayn thought he had left all that behind.

“I’m so angry that Barry gets to do whatever he wants and once again you have to pay the price! I think maybe I misplaced my anger,” Liam explained.

“I’m angry too Liam...”

It fell silent until Liam shrugged Zayn off his shoulder so he could look at him, “I didn’t mean it, ya know, that you’ll depend on me too much… I didn’t mean that. I just need you to help yourself because I can’t… I can’t lose you...”

“Liam,” Zayn said pushing a finger to Liam’s lips, “I know what you meant, you don’t have to explain.”

Liam pressed his lips to Zayn’s finger before speaking around it, “Yes, I do! I should have never said that… because that not at all what I meant! I was just angry and my emotions were getting the best of me. What I was trying to say was that I don’t want you to stop trying to help yourself just because I’m here. I want to help you, not hold you back and I want you to fix this for yourself with me by your side, helping you because I’ll be here the whole way, no matter what!”

A few months ago all this would have destroyed Zayn. He would have never been able to trust Liam’s words at face value because he didn’t trust anything or anyone at face value. But he had made so many strides, so many improvements and he had so much faith in him and Liam that he believed him. And if that didn’t tell Zayn all that he needed to know, what would?

He took one look into Liam’s eyes and he knew that he meant every word he was saying. And that was all that mattered to Zayn.

“I love you Liam, and I forgive you,” Zayn said.

Liam leaned forward and kissed him light as a feather, sealing there unspoken truce to put this behind them and promise to move forward. There was too much love between them to let anything tear them apart.


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thanks you guys so much for all the comments and kudos and interest in this story! It really means a lot! I'm sorry this update is so late in the week I have been busy busy and this chapter was a whole lot longer than I thought lol Anyway just a few warnings about this chapter. There is a pretty explicit sexual encounter in this chapter so just a word of warning. :) Otherwise, I really hope you enjoy and I will do my best to not be so late with the update next week! Thanks everyone!

“Zayn, love, come on, it’s time for bed,” Liam said softly shaking Zayn awake.

Zayn opened his eyes and blinked a few times, confused about where he was. The room around him was dark except the flickering of soft light, not giving much away of his location. But then, Liam’s soft features came into view.

Liam must have read the confusion on his face, “You fell asleep watching the movie. Actually, all three of you did.”

It all came back to Zayn as soon as Liam told him that. They had dinner when Harry and Louis returned and then all curled up on the couch to watch a movie. He looked over and Louis and Harry were cuddled together sleeping soundly next to him.

“Oh god, I'm sorry Liam,” he said pushing himself up into a sitting position, stretching out his muscles.

Liam's hand reached out to take Zayn’s, “Don't apologize it’s okay, now come on.”

“Should we wake them?” Zayn asked as he stared back at Louis and Harry.

They looked so peaceful, so in love, even while they slept. Liam didn’t have the heart, “Nah, leave them, they look too cute like that.”

Quietly, but still hand in hand, they ascended the stairs and made their way into Liam's bedroom. Once inside Liam shut the door and leaned against it. Zayn could tell by the way he was looking at him that he had something to say.

“What?” Zayn asked, eyeing Liam suspiciously.

“Are you going to go back to sleep?”

It was a strange question and Zayn wasn't sure how to answer. Liam wouldn't be asking if he wanted him to say yes, so he glanced at the clock and noticed it was only a little after midnight.

“We can watch another movie in here if you want. That nap kind of revived me,” Zayn suggested.

Liam sighed contently and a smirk crossed his face, “I have a better idea.”

He grabbed Zayn's hand again and pulled him into the bathroom. As soon as they walked in, Zayn stopped in his tracks.

“Oh my god,” he said breathlessly.

Liam looked back him, his eyes wide like a child waiting for approval, “Do you like it?”

The bathroom was covered in a soft flickering light that was coming from at least a dozen candles. The scent of French vanilla and lavender filled his nostrils. There was a full bath drawn in the tub, with hundreds of bubbles on top of the water.

“Liam, what is…? This is amazing…” Zayn gasped not knowing what else to say.

“It's my way of saying I'm sorry. I figured this would help you unwind and relax.” Liam said with a shrug.

Zayn just stared at him for a moment. How did he get so lucky? What he had done to ever deserve someone like Liam? Without thinking, he closed the gap between them and threw his arms around Liam, squeezing him tightly.

“I can't believe you did all this... for me!”

Liam hugged him back, his lips inches from Zayn’s ear, “You deserve the moon, and I'd get it for you if I could.”

Zayn closed his eyes and thanked whatever energy in universe gave him Liam. For all that he had been through, Liam was more than even he deserved.

“Hey, come on, let's get into that bath before it gets cold on us!” Liam said finally separating them.

Zayn pulled back and raised his eyebrows, “Are you joining me?”

“I'd like to… if that's okay?” Liam asked sheepishly as if Zayn would ever say no.

“Of course it’s okay,” Zayn told him emphasizing it with a gentle kiss to Liam’s cheeks.

They didn't say anything else. They locked eyes with one another and Zayn focused on the feeling of Liam’s finger tips running across the hem of his shirt. He lifted his arms and slowly Liam pulled the shirt off. Than Liam’s fingers trailed down Zayn’s torso stopping at the waistband of his short leaving a path of chills on every inch of skin he had touched.

They must have stood there for several seconds, eyes swimming in each other as Liam's thumb ran over the bare skin below his belly button. It was intense, almost too intense, but neither of them dared to break away, too intoxicated by one another.

Zayn brought his hands down and held onto Liam’s arms as he gently pushed Zayn’s shorts down. He held on tightly as Liam helped him take them off completely.

“You are the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen,” he whispered as he took Zayn's face in both of his hands.

He brought lips to Zayn's and kissed him so deeply, so passionately, that Zayn thought his whole body was going to give out. When Liam eventually broke the kiss, Zayn whimpered desperate for more.

“Come on babe,” Liam said with twinkle in his eye, clearly proud of himself for garnering such a reaction from Zayn.

Zayn stepped into the tub and sunk into the water. He closed his eyes and let all the tension in his muscles out as the heat of the water relaxed his entire body almost instantly.

When he opened his eyes, and saw Liam staring down at him with a smile.

“I thought you were joining me?” Zayn asked.

“I am,” Liam laughed, “I was just admiring my gorgeous boyfriend. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, but you can do that later. I want you take your clothes off and get in here,” Zayn demanded.

“Yes boss!” and in lightning speed Liam had pulled his shirt over his head.

Zayn rested his face on the ledge of the tub as he watched Liam strip out of his cloths. He didn't care what Liam said, as far as he was concerned, Liam was the most gorgeous thing on Earth. If all he could do was only look at Liam, Zayn would be okay with that.

“Scoot up,” Liam directed as he stepped into the tub.

Zayn did as he was told, Liam sliding in behind him. Like second nature, he leaned back until his back and Liam’s chest were pressed tightly together. When he felt Liam's arms wrap around him, he rested his head in the crock of Liam’s neck and sighed contently. Zayn was sure there was nothing better than this.

“We should take baths like this all the time,” Liam suggested.    

“This is... perfect, I can't believe you did all this for me!” Zayn said almost like he was thinking out loud.

Liam's lips placed soft kisses on Zayn’s shoulder, working their way up his neck to that spot right behind his ear,  “You deserve it,” he said between kisses, “you deserve this and more.”

Zayn closed his eyes and his mouth fell open in a silent moan. He was becoming overwhelmed by the sensation of Liam's lips and hot breath on his tender skin, “You keep kissing me there, you’re going to start something,” Zayn warned breathlessly

“I never said that wasn't part of my plan…”

Zayn laughed, “Are you trying to seduce me?”

“Maybe… is it working?” Liam asked curiosity in his tone.

Zayn turned his face so close to Liam’s that their noses were nearly touching. With one swift movement of his leg, he was nearly straddling Liam’s lap and he crushed their lips together.

“Mmm… what do you think?” he asked when he pulled away.

Zayn's kiss was hungry, telling Liam everything he wanted, telling Liam he wanted him. Liam smiled but he pulled his head back just enough so Zayn couldn't kiss him again.

“As much as I want to ravage you right here, I want to take care of you first,” Liam explained turning Zayn back around.

Immediately, Liam’s fingers started digging into the muscles in Zayn’s back and Zayn felt like was melting into Liam’s hands, “God Liam, that feels so good.”

“That’s because you’re filled with tension,” Liam explained as his fingers dug in a little deeper, “And I’m going to do my best to get rid of it.”

Zayn closed his eyes and savored the feelings rippling through his body. He could feel every ounce of tension draining from him little by little. At one point, Liam had Zayn lean forward so he could get to his lower back. Involuntarily, Zayn tensed up, embarrassed that the scars littering his back were so visible. He didn’t even look at them in the mirror when he changed, avoiding them at all costs.

Liam noticed right away, “what's wrong?” he asked.

Zayn paused, the word _nothing_ almost coming out of his mouth. But after everything that Liam had done for him, especially right now, Zayn knew he didn't deserve that.

“My back… my scars…” he tried to say, but his voice wasn’t cooperating.

It was subtle at first, but then Zayn could feel Liam's lips kissing slowly up the scars on his back.

“They are,”

 _kiss_ ,

“a part of you now,”

 _kiss_ ,

“and that makes,”

 _kiss_ ,

“them beautiful,”

 _kiss_.

Zayn's eyes fluttered closed as he pushed down the emotion that was threatening to bubble over. A huge smile spread across his face and his heart felt so full, he thought it might explode.

“I…” Zayn started but he didn't think there were words that could really express what he was feeling.

Liam's lips had made their way back up to his neck, nipping gently, “Every inch of you is gorgeous, every single inch,” he whispered.

Without saying a word, Liam reached for the wash cloth that Zayn hadn't even noticed on the side of the tub. He applied body wash to it and brought to Zayn’s skin. It was sensual and soft, the way Liam cleaned Zayn's body, careful to not make it too erotic; that was not what this was about. Zayn lost himself in the feeling of someone touching his body, worshipping it almost, without the fear that his body was going to be used. It was a powerful moment for Zayn and one that he owed to Liam.

“You ready to get out?” Liam asked when he was finished.

Zayn sighed but nodded, feeling his skin growing pruned and knowing that was a sign that it was time to get out, “Yea, we should, even though I don't want too.”

“It’s okay, let’s go cuddle in bed,” Liam said making a move to get up.

“Wait!” Zayn said grabbing his arm, “what about you, we didn't wash you?”

“Are you saying I smell?” Liam asked pretending he offended.

Zayn turned a deep shade of red, “No… I just meant…”

“I'm just messing with you, baby. I know what you meant. For the record, I showered while you were sleeping on the couch. I wanted this to be about you.”

“I… I love you Liam,” was all Zayn could think of to say.

Liam just smiled at him lovingly before pushing himself up and out of the water. Zayn rested his chin on the side of the tub again, staring at Liam’ beautiful body as he dried himself off. As soon as he was done, he wrapped the towel around his waist and offered his hand to Zayn.

Normally Zayn would swat it away, he wasn't helpless and he could get himself out of a bathtub. But he knew Liam didn’t mean it like that, he was being sweet and attentive so Zayn didn’t hesitate to take his hand. The towel came out of nowhere and Liam took the time to dry Zayn’s body off.

As they made their way back into the bedroom, Zayn went to the draw he claimed as his own to grab a pair underwear.

“What are you doing?” Liam asked grabbing his arm.

Zayn looked at him confused, “I’m getting a pair of underwear.”

“Don’t... not tonight, yea?”

It was obvious what Liam was asking and Zayn put up no fight. He pulled his hand back from the draw and let Liam guide him to the bed. As soon as his head hit the pillow, he reached for Liam to pull him down with him only to have Liam jump back from the bed.

“Shit, the candles! I almost forgot, I would have burned the whole house down!”

Zayn laughed, “Yeah, no, we don’t want to do that. Good thing you remembered.”

“I’ll be right back, don’t move,” Liam said as he ran back to the bathroom.

Zayn wasn’t going anywhere. He just laid back on the bed waiting for Liam to return. His mind wanted to bring up all the bad things that had been going on recently, but he wasn't about to let that happen. Tonight was good; no, tonight was great and all those bad things would be there in the morning for him to stress over. There was no place for them here tonight.

“Back,” Liam said crawling into bed besides Zayn.

Zayn turned so they were face to face, barely any space between them and touched his cheek, “Every time I think you can't possibly be more amazing, you go and do something that proves me wrong.”

“You just… you deserve so much more than you've been given. I'm trying to make up for all that,” Liam confided.

Zayn stared at Liam’s face, twisted, his pain so apparent. How was this even possible, to have someone love him this much; to have Liam love him this much?

“Liam, you don't have to make up for anything, it’s not your fault.”

“But I don’t care that it’s not my fault Zayn. That doesn’t matter to me. What matters is that you to feel loved and safe. And I’m going to do whatever I have to, to make sure that happens," Liam said pulling them even closer together.

Zayn closed his eyes as he felt Liam's lips close over his. The kiss started soft with Liam’s lips, moving slowly and delicately.  He sandwiched Zayn’s lips between his own, applying just a touch of suction. It was gentle, almost playful at first, but it was quickly growing in intensity. It wasn’t long before Liam was applying real suction on Zayn’s lip and eliciting a long involuntary moan from his mouth.

Liam’s response was to flick his tongue and nip at Zayn’s lips with his teeth, desperate to pull more and more of those moans from Zayn. Eventually, Liam pulled away from Zayn’s mouth leaving him panting as his teeth nibbled across Zayn’s jawline.

“Are you trying to seduce me now?” Zayn moaned his fingers digging into Liam's forearms, needing something to hold on to.

“You better believe it,” Liam said pulling away for only a second, a sly smile spread wide across his face.

Zayn gripped him tighter, pulling Liam on top of him. Liam grunted but didn't resist, his body sliding over Zayn's like they were designed to fit together, “Is this okay?” Liam asked concern in his eyes.

“Yea, it’s okay.”

“Are you sure? Are you sure all of this is okay? Me on top of you… us clearly about to…”

Liam looked so serious and Zayn had to hold back a laugh. He reached up and put a finger to Liam's lips, “I'm sure Liam. This is fine, I’m perfectly fine.”

“You swear?” he asked still not convinced.

This time Zayn couldn't keep the laugh in, “Yes Liam, I swear!”

“Okay…” Liam said, bringing his lips back down to kiss Zayn again only to pull away quickly, “you’ll tell me if that changes though, right?”

“Liam, I'm totally fine and I swear I’ll tell you if I'm not! Now all I want is for you to shut up and kiss me before you ruin the mood!” Zayn demanded.

Liam gave one solitary nod before kissing Zayn again and they continued exactly where they had left off. Their kisses were feverish and hungry both desperate to pull the other closer. Liam, who was straddling Zayn’s hips, was painfully aware that all that was separating their naked bodies from rubbing against each other were the two towels draped around their waists.

Liam resisted the urge to grind his hips down against Zayn’s, not wanting to take things too far too quick. It was such a big step that Zayn was letting Liam lay on top of him. But to Liam’s surprise, Zayn bucked his hips up into him and when he did it again the second time, Liam took that as a green light to grind down against him.

Liam's mouth was attached to Zayn's neck marking him with his lips. He knew in the morning he'd feel bad, but that was not enough to make him stop. Zayn's fingernails grazed up Liam’s back before wrapping his fingers in Liam’s hair. He wasn’t sure how it was possible, but Liam got even more turned on when he felt Zayn slightly yank on it slightly.

“Fuck…” Zayn moaned.

Liam lips twisted into a smile as he traveled down Zayn's body. They kissed across Zayn's smooth chest and attached themselves to one of Zayn's nipples. Just the tease of suction, made Zayn feel like a firecracker exploded in his body. It started in his chest and traveled directly to his groin making his penis, which was already hard, instantly grow harder.

Liam felt the jolt of Zayn's body from his administrations and when Zayn's arched his back, he pulled away nervously, “Are you okay?!” he asked out of breath, his heartbeat pounding in his ears.

Zayn’s eyes were closed and his head tossed back, “God... yes! Don't stop!” he said pulling Liam back down.

Liam was a little surprised but that didn’t stop him from diving right back in; his lips, his teeth, his tongue teasing Zayn, getting drunk off the feeling of Zayn clawing at his back and pulling on his hair, “I'm sorry... I'm sorry…” he panted when a particular hard yank made Liam groan loudly.

“Don’t apologize, I love it,” Liam confessed as he continued his trail down Zayn's body.

Zayn’s only response was soft little whimpers as Liam kissed down his stomach. When Liam reached the top of Zayn’s towel he stopped, resting his chin on the spot, “Zayn, how are you doing? Are you still okay?”

Zayn looked down at Liam’s soft face and he knew he trusted Liam. He had never felt so safe and loved in his life. His fingertips brushed back Liam’s hair that was falling in his eyes, “Liam, I swear to you I am perfectly okay and I promise that if I start feeling like I’m not, I will tell you, okay?”

It was all Liam needed as he placed on last loving kiss on Zayn’s stomach before pushing himself up to his knees. Without hesitation, Liam untucked the towel on Zayn’s waist and right away that fabric fell to the bed; leaving Zayn completely naked.

It was strange, but Zayn wasn’t self-conscious at all. It was actually the complete opposite, he was completely comfortable and all he could think about was how good Liam was making him feel and how much he wanted him to continue.

Liam didn’t disappoint. It started with his fingertips; Liam ran them from Zayn's calf all the way up to his thigh where he rested his hand as he crawled deeper between Zayn’s legs. Zayn stared at Liam’s hand feeling his skin prickling everywhere he had just been touched. They locked eyes, staying perfectly still for a moment before Liam's hand traveled even higher up Zayn’s thigh till it wrapped around the base of Zayn’s penis.

Zayn let out a soft moan, the skin to skin contact electrifying his senses. But his eyes never broke away from Liam's. He stayed focused on Liam, even as Liam's hand began to stroke him up and down, moving torturously slow but firm enough to make him quiver.

Liam was entranced at the sight, loving the way Zayn’s penis looked in his hand, mesmerized by it. But there was a burning desire for something else, Liam wanted more. There had been this craving sitting in his stomach for quite some time and Liam didn’t think he could fight it anymore.

“Zayn?” he whispered his hand never stopping.

Zayn wasn’t sure if he even answered out loud, his mind too fuzzy to focus.  

“Can I try something? I promise I’ll stop right away if you don’t want me too.”

Zayn looked down at Liam and a wave of anxiety ran over him, but it was gone as quickly as it came. This was Liam; Liam would never hurt him, ever. And if it was something Zayn wasn’t comfortable or ready for, Liam wasn’t lying when he said he would stop.

Zayn used his hand to stroked Liam’s cheek, “Yea… okay.”

Liam smiled and took a deep breath. He was nervous; he had never done this before, but god did he want to. His hand gripped the base of Zayn’s cock, as his movements halted and he leaned forward. When Liam’s tongue came in contact with the tip of Zayn’s dick, the spark that was inside him turned into a five alarm fire and he let his instincts take over. He pushed his tongue against the top of the head and the taste of Zayn flooded his senses.

Zayn was not expecting this, not that he was sure what he was expecting, but it sure as hell wasn’t this. And when he looked down and saw Liam gripping his dick, tongue lapping at him, it was the most erotic thing he’d ever seen in his life.

“Dear god!” he moaned his body jolting as Liam continuously licked at him.

Liam moaned in response as he kitten licked a few more times before kissing  all the way down the underside of Zayn’s cock only to then lick all the way back up to the tip.

“Liam,” Zayn gasped his hips involuntarily hitching forward.

Liam smiled to himself, before just barely wrapping his lips around the head and licking at the tip again, “This is good? This is okay?” he asked pulling away for only long enough to get his question out.

                “This is amazing,” Zayn assured.

                Zayn watched, his mind going into overdrive, as Liam opened his mouth and engulfed Zayn’s cock between his lips. Involuntarily, his hips jutted forward causing Liam to make a choke just a little, but Liam wasted no time finding his bearings. Sure he had never done this before, but he sure as hell knew what one felt like.

Liam began to bob his head up and down sucking harder on the up stroke, loving the way Zayn would shudder every time only the head remained in his mouth. Every couple of strokes Liam would swirl his tongue around the tip, eliciting a gasp from Zayn’s mouth. He made sure to wrap his hand around the bottom third of Zayn’s cock he couldn’t get in his mouth. Stroke him up and down in time with his mouth.

                Zayn felt like ten thousand explosions were going off inside him simultaneously and it was happening over and over and over again. It was so intense, that Zayn thought he might pass out from pleasure at any moment. Yet somehow, he was able to shift his gaze down and watch what Liam was doing. It was fiercely erotic, the way Liam’s beautiful pink lips were stretch around his girth, his cheeks hollowed out. Never had he seen anything so filthy yet gorgeous before.

                Liam was intoxicated. The taste of Zayn, the smell of Zayn, the feeling of Zayn on his tongue was like a drug. All his inhibitions and reservations were melting away and Liam was losing himself to his own arousal. Never had he been this turned on from pleasuring another person and Zayn’s moans fluttering in his ear weren’t helping. On every down stroke, Liam tried to relax his throat enough to take him deeper, desperate to get every centimeter of Zayn’s cock in his mouth. But no matter how hard he tried, his throat wasn’t cooperating and his gag reflex would kick in.

                “Liam…” Zayn said his hands grabbing, trying to pull him up.

                Reluctantly, Liam pulled himself off Zayn’s dick and looked at him, face flushed, lips red and swollen, “What baby? You okay? Do you want me to stop?”

                He was panting for breath and desperate to get Zayn back in his mouth. It was so obvious, even Zayn could tell, “No… god no… I just… I don’t want you to hurt yourself…”

                Liam’s only response was a laugh before he dove back down, taking Zayn back into his mouth, picking up right where he left off. Zayn cried out in pleasure; his hips gyrating forward causing Liam to moan around him, causing ripples of pleasure to cascade through Zayn’s body.

There was a tingling sensation beginning somewhere inside him and Zayn knew he needed something to hold onto to before he lost all control. His fingers gripped at Liam’s hair, latching onto it.

Liam loved it, he loved every bit of it. He loved the stretch of his lips as he traveled lower and lower down Zayn’s dick. He loved the feeling of the head pushing against the back of his throat. He loved the taste of Zayn on his tongue every time he would suck on just the head. And he nearly exploded himself, when he felt Zayn’s fingers start to yank on his hair.

A moan escaped him and he was sure the vibration traveled through Zayn’s body, because he heard him gasp loudly, “Liam… Liam! I’m so close… I’m…” Zayn whimpered.

Liam just worked harder, trying desperately to relax his throat so he could take even more of Zayn. He used his tongue to massage the shaft and lick at the head; his hand stroking him at lightning speed. All he wanted was to make Zayn cum.

“Oh… OH GOD... Liam… LIAM!” Zayn yelled desperately trying to get Liam’s attention.

Liam couldn’t stop now that he had Zayn this close. It was like he went into a frenzy wanting nothing more than to bring Zayn to an orgasm. And when he felt Zayn go rigid, his back arching off the bed, Liam tried harder. Before he even realized what was happening, Zayn exploded, flooding Liam’s mouth with the taste of him. Liam moaned out of surprise, but tried his to take what he could, not wanting to stop until he was sure Zayn was done.

It blacked out all Zayn’s other senses when his orgasm washed over him. It was like nothing he’s ever felt before. Zayn was sure he was seeing stars. He through his head back, as he felt pulse after pulse cascade through his body. He screamed out once but than his mouth just fell open in a silent cry of pure pleasure.

As Zayn came down from his climax, his body collapsed back into the bed. Liam, ever so slowly, pulled of Zayn and rested his head against Zayn’s thigh for a moment, trying to catch his breath.

It was silent until Zayn spoke, “I’m so sorry, I was trying to warn you and then it just…”

Liam picked his head up and cut Zayn off before he could finish, “What? No! I knew what was going to happen. If I didn’t want you too, I would have stopped.”

Zayn looked at Liam face and was horrified. Liam was a mess. His mouth and chin were covered in what Liam couldn’t fit into his mouth, “Oh my god, it’s all over you! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!”

Liam saw the panic in his eyes and quickly wiped his face on Zayn’s towel. He moved up so they were lying next to each other, eye to eye, “Hey, hey relax. it’s okay, I’m serious. I wanted you to do that.”

“But it’s…” Zayn tried to explain but trailed off unable to get it out.

Liam understood instantly, “What we just did was something I wanted to do. Including… all that in my mouth and on my face, okay? That was not remotely the same thing as what Barry did to you! Do not think that it is!”

Zayn’s hand came up, shaking almost and stroked Liam’s hair. Then it hit him without warning and tears started flowing down his face.

“Hey! What’s the matter? Are you okay? Fuck… I should have never…”

“No, no!” Zayn said laugh through his tears, “I… I’m just so… happy! Like I’m so...” He threw his arms around Liam and hugged him as tight as he could, “You have no idea how much this all means to me… I love you so much, so so much!”

Liam closed his eyes and squeezed him back placing kisses on his face, “I love you, I love you more than words. You deserved this baby. You deserve more than I could ever give you.”

“You already give me everything, Liam.”

Liam and Zayn stared into each other’s eyes as Zayn’s tears subsided before falling back into deep tender kiss. It soon turned desperate again; Liam so turned on it was painful. Zayn was quick to take control this time, his hands running down Liam’s chest to the towel still wrapped around his waist.

“Why is this still on?” Zayn asked.

Liam smiled into Zayn’s kiss, “I don’t know. Maybe you should fix that.”

Zayn untucked the fabric and it fall away, Liam’s rock hard dick coming into view. Slowly, Zayn guided Liam onto his back, their lips still locked together as they moved. Zayn’s fingers running soft circles right above Liam’s penis, but never reaching for it.

Liam knew something was wrong, “What’s the matter?” he asked breaking their lips apart.

“I’m sorry Liam, I’m so sorry… I can’t… I can’t do... what you…”

“Hey!” Liam said stroking his face, “Don’t apologize, I would never ever expect you to do that!”

“But you…”

“I did that cause wanted to, Zayn. I didn’t do because I’m expecting one back. I only want you to do what you’re comfortable with,” Liam explained gently.

“I do want to do that to you Liam. I just… I can’t, not now at least. It’s still a really big trigger…”

“Zayn,” Liam interrupted shifting his body weight so he could move a little closer, “You don’t have to explain. If you’re not ready, than that’s the only thing that matters. You do what you’re comfortable with.”

“I love you, you know that?”

Liam nodded with a smiled before Zayn leaned down to continue their kiss. HIs eyes fluttered closed as he felt Zayn’s hand travel down his torso, losing himself to the sensations.

************

Two hours later, Liam and Zayn were out cold, wrapped up in each other; the escapades from earlier had tired both of them out and helped them drift into a relaxed sleep. However, the peaceful night was suddenly interrupted by Zayn’s cell phone on the night stand ringing loudly.

It took several seconds for either of them to hear anything. Zayn reacted first, lifting his head just slightly off Liam’s chest, “What the…?” he moaned out, his mind still too exhausted to register what he was hearing.

“What’s the matter? What’s...” Liam said his eyes shooting open.

“I think it’s my phone,” Zayn explained

“Oh…” Liam responded but Zayn wasn’t sure he really understood.

After a few seconds the ringing stopped and just before Zayn was about to drift back to sleep, the phone rang again. Fear rushed over him right away, thinking something was wrong… or it was Barry again. Liam’s eyes opened then and Zayn could tell he was thinking the same thing, suddenly much more aware.

Liam reached over and grabbed Zayn’s cellphone. He looked at the screen for a moment and handed it to Zayn, “It’s Detective Cower.”

Detective Cower, at this hour? “Hello,” he said hitting the speaker button.

“Hey Zayn, it’s detective Cower. I’m sorry to bug you at this hour; I just needed to get in touch with you right away.”

“What’s going on? Is everything okay?” Liam asked, feeling Zayn’s anxiety as a hundred possibilities ran through his head and none of them good.

The Detective took a deep breath, “Well, there has been a major break in the case. We discovered some evidence and it’s more than enough to issue an arrest warrant. We also found evidence to link him to the phone call he made to you, thus violating his bail. We are going to pick him up, but either way, we need you to come back to LA as soon as possible,” Detective Cower explained.

“A break in the case, what happened!?” Zayn asked unable to control his emotions anymore, this was the best news he could have ever hoped for.

“We will talk more about that when you get here, is that okay?”

“Yeah, okay…” he looked at Liam who was nodding as he completed his thoughts, “We will be there as soon as we can.”

“Okay great Zayn, I’ll see you then. Get some rest.”

Zayn thanked him and hung up, shocked, surprised in complete awe.

“Oh my god,” Liam said smiling from ear to ear

“I can’t believe they found something!” Zayn said, “I can’t believe it!”

“But they did baby, I told you this would all work okay. I told you we’d get him eventually. He’s going back to jail.” Liam told him pulling him back down to his chest hugging him tightly, “It’s over.”

The words settled in Zayn’s brain as he gripped Liam like his life depended on it, “It’s over,” and this time it might really be true.


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so so very much guys for all the feedback in comments and kudos and just reading and still being interested in this story. I'm so sorry that this update took forever. This last week at mywork it has been so hectic and I jad no time to myself whats so ever. My brain hurt after work so I couldn't even think of editing this chapter. But I was finally able to carve some time out and get it done! Next week the update will be up well before next Saturday. I'm hoping Tuesday! Anyway, I'm excited but nervous to post this chapter there is some major developments in the chapter, so I hope you don't hate me too much lol. Anyways, thanks again and enjoy. Look for the next chapter in the next few days :)

Zayn and Liam flew out to LA two days after they had gotten the phone call from Detective Cower. There hopes were high, excited that this really could be the end, the final chapter to this horror story but Zayn wasn’t so sure. Still, it was the most optimistic he had been in a long time.

                “You okay?” Liam asked as they were walking into the police station.

                He could sense the tension oozing out of Zayn; the tension that wasn’t there ten minutes ago.

                “Yeah, I’m okay, just really nervous. It’s just I have no idea what I’m walking into,” Zayn explained.

                “Just try and remember that whatever it is, it’s a means to an end.”

                Zayn nodded but didn't say anything as they passed through security and made their way up to the security desk. Liam placed a gentle hand on Zayn’s back as he told the receptionist who he was and why he was here.

                It took only a minute or two before Detective Cower came out to greet them and guide them into his office. He didn’t say anything until he sat down, gesturing to another detective who was standing in the corner. Neither Liam or Zayn had ever met him before.

                “Gentleman, I’d like to introduce you tom, Detective Filmore. He’s been a huge contributor to this investigation and I thought it would be a good idea to have him here.”

                The Detective smiled at them and stuck his hand out to shake both of theirs, “Nice to meet both of you.”

                Liam and Zayn returned the gesture before Detective Cower spoke again, “Thank-you so much for coming. I know it’s was a lot to ask you guys to fly back. How are you doing Zayn?”

                Zayn appreciated the interest, he really did, but his nerves were on their last string and he just wanted to get this over with without useless small talk. Nevertheless, he swallowed down his nerves as best as he could and forced his way through it.

                “I’m doing better; being out of LA was really helpful.”

                “He’s doing really well,” Liam chimed in, resting his hand on Zayn’s knee.

                “I’m really happy to hear that Zayn,” Detective Cower said with a soft smile, “But, I’m sure you didn’t come all this way to answer those kinds of question. I’m sure you want to get to why I asked you here.”

                Zayn’s heart rate started to increase, but he forced himself to take a deep breath. There was no need to panic. This was good news, no matter what the detective told him, Zayn had to remember that it was good news. So he tried to push all the negative thought away and grabbed Liam’s hand, wanting to have something to hold on to.

                “First things first, Zayn, we got him!” Detective Cower said, a smile spreading across his face as Detective Filmore nodded along with a glint in his eye, “I can guarantee you that he will be going to prison for a very very long time.”

                Zayn felt weightless, like he had been holding up the whole world, but almost instantly confusion swept over him. He had so much to ask, but he couldn’t get his words out, his brain going through a hundred thoughts at once.

                Liam seemed to notice the difficulty Zayn was having and jumped in, “That’s great, I mean that is fantastic news, but how did this happen? How did you finally get him after all this time? I mean, he was able to con his way out on bail barely a week ago, what changed?”

It was subtle, but Zayn could hear the bite in Liam’s voice, obviously wanting to make it known he was still angry about the recent events with Barry.

                Detective Cower either didn’t realize it or wasn’t choosing to not acknowledge it, “Well,” he said glancing at the other Detective, “Barry Anderson’s bail was revoked yesterday morning. He was arrested for violating the terms of his release”

                Zayn felt life run through his veins, “He’s back in jail?! How… what happened?”

                “He called you Zayn; he was not supposed to have any contact with you.”

                “But how did you prove that? He’s not careless, he always covers his tracks. There is no way he wouldn’t of this time!” Zayn said in disbelief.

                He wanted to believe this was true, he was desperate for it, but it didn’t make sense. Barry was so cautious with everything he did; there was no way he would get careless now.

                “But that’s exactly what he did Zayn,” Detective Filmore chimed in, “That’s the problem with men like Barry Anderson, they think they’re untouchable.  They think that they will never get caught and they get cocky.”

“Can you please just tell us what’s going on? I don’t mean to sound pushy or ungrateful, but I think Zayn deserves answers. It’s all just a little surprising, if I’m being totally honest,” Liam said, jumping to Zayn’s rescue.

“Of course it is, I’m sorry. Let me just get to it. The day Barry called you, the first thing we did was trace the number he called you from. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t lead back to him. In fact, it didn’t lead back to anyone connected to Barry, not that anyone was expecting it too.”

“But it led to someone?” Liam asked.

“Yes, which was very very surprising. I was convinced the phone was going to be burner phone but another surprise, it wasn’t. Like Detective Filmore told you, men like Barry get cocky and think they’re untouchable. It led to a man named Alan Butler and initial it our investigation showed no connection to Barry. Regardless, we still had to investigate this and figure out why Mr. Butler’s phone number was the number Barry reached out to you on. So, we went and spoke with Mr. Butler at his home. He was very forth coming and he seemed as confused as we were. The only explanation he could even remotely come up with was a stolen credit card a month or two ago.”

“The stolen credit card story would have worked, had something not struck me as odd. He had a Range Rover and a Yellow Corvette in his driveway. Mr. Butler works for the superior court and trust me when I tell you, his salary isn’t large enough to pay for one, yet alone two expensive cars. So, we dug deeper until I found what I was looking for. For the Last four years he had been receiving large sums of money, cash to be more specific, being deposited into his bank account.”

Zayn knew it was coming; they were right on cusp of finding out how it was all going to go down. He was terrified, nervous and ecstatic all at the same time. He just squeezed Liam’s hand tighter, wanting to get it over with quickly.

“So, I brought Mr. Butler in and explained that he was not only going to jail as an accessory to an assault but also tax evasion for all that money he hadn’t been reporting. Knowledge like that always makes people start talking real fast so he was quick to tell me that he didn’t actually know Barry. Four years ago, he was approached by his sister who works in the office of Mr. Anderson’s financial advisor. They propositioned him with continuous monthly cash deposits if he agreed to do certain things no questions asked.”

Zayn swallowed down that nausea that was starting to grow in his stomach, “What kind of things?” he asked.

“Purchases, so Barry would have no connection to things he didn’t want to have connections too. For the record, this wasn’t just about you. He was involved in some shady business dealings as well as other things that I am not at liberty to disclose, things that could lead to more charges against him in the future.”

“But some of those purchase do have to do with Zayn,” Liam said sounding as nervous as Zayn felt.

“Yes,” Detective Cower answered, “Mr. Butler told us about a storage unit that he had in his name, but it really belonged to Barry. Luckily because it was in Mr. Butler’s name, all we needed was his permission to access it. Once inside we confiscated all the contents, and one of the possessions in the storage unit was a computer.”

Detective Cower paused for a moment then as he took a quick glance at Detective Filmore. Zayn wasn’t sure what was coming, but he knew whatever it was, this was it.

“Our team took to analyzing the computer right away. What we found was more than we were expecting.”

Zayn’s mouth was dry as he tried to keep calm; his hand squeezing Liam’s so hard he was surprised he wasn’t hurting Liam.

Detective Cower seemed to sense Zayn’s emotions and wasted no time continuing, “There was a lot of things on that hard drive; images and videos of violent pornography, financial records, documents of your locations complete with dates and times.”

“My locations?” Zayn asked terror washing over him.

“Not recent locations, but the dates do line up with your time spent in the band.”

Zayn let out a breath that he had been holding in. It was terrifying to think Barry was keeping those kinds of tabs on him, but it also explained so much. That’s how he always knew where he was going to be, how he could just show up out of the blue and know exactly where Zayn was.

“Zayn,” Detective Cower said pulling Zayn out of his own head, “there was something else.”

He could tell by the way he said it that this wasn’t ‘good’. Zayn had tried to prepare for the worst, but was he really prepared? He looked over at Liam, who was wearing a worried expression on his face, and Liam instantly leaned closer and took Zayn’s hand in both of his.

“Just tell us, please,” Liam begged.

“We found several videos on his hard drive…”

It hung in the air, as Zayn tried to process what he was saying. They found videos, but what kind of videos? What does this have to do with him? He was confused or maybe he was just actively ignore the implications.

“What kind of videos?” he heard Liam say, the grip from his hands almost too tight.

Detective Cower looked at his colleague and let out a loud sigh, “I believe I know the answer, but it’s my job to ask. Were you aware that Barry videotaped you?”

It was like all the air in Zayn’s lungs was sucked out, no it was like all the air in room was gone. He sat still and tried to make sense of what he was asking, “Wha...?” he said, but maybe he didn’t say it loud enough because no one reacted.

“What do you mean videotaped him?” he heard Liam ask.

Zayn could tell Liam was enraged; he could hear the anger in his voice. All Zayn did then was turn to Liam for comfort, needing him to keep his mind from floating away. Liam’s expression softened as he ran his thumbs over the top of Zayn’s hands.

“There were nearly two dozen videos of… encounters between Zayn and Barry.”

It was like being punched in the gut and Zayn even let out a noise like it had actually happened. Everyone stopped and turned to him. Videos... him and Barry... encounters… he understood what that meant. He was horrified by what this meant.

“By encounters… you mean assaults… right?” he asked, finally finding his voice.

There was a long pause and Liam was nearly on top of him, his arm now wrapped around Zayn’s shoulders.

“Yes,” Detective Cower confirmed softly remorse filling his voice.

“Jesus FUCKING Christ!” Liam yelled out falling forward burying his face in his hands.

Zayn was stiff as a board, shocked, disgusted, violated all over again. He made no effort to move or react he just sat there still like a statue, trying to make wrap his brain around this. Barry had secretly videotaped him. How was Zayn supposed to process that? How was Zayn supposed to deal with something like that?

“He videotaped himself hurting me? He videotaped himself RAPING me?!” he cried out to no one in particular, his voice growing louder and louder, becoming more hysterical by the second.

Liam reached for him, trying to calm him. Zayn knew Liam could feel him shaking; he could feel himself shaking, ready to crack at any moment. But it wasn’t working, it wasn’t helping. Zayn wasn’t sure anything would help.

“Zayn, I know this has to be hard and I’m taking anything away from that. But... this is irrefutable proof of your allegations against him. This is the evidence we’ve been looking for,” Detective Cower tried to explain.

But Zayn didn’t see it like that. Fuck the evidence, fuck the proof. There were videos, multiple videos, of himself being raped and tortured. How was there in solace to be found in something so horrifying.

“There are videos of him raping me! There’s nothing that I can take from that except disgust,” he yelled back, tears clouding his vision.

“Zayn love, just take a few deep breaths, okay?” Liam said.

Zayn realized then that tears were cascading down his face, his breathing was erratic and he was rocking back and forth. He was quickly spinning out of control.

“Liam… Liam he….” he found himself saying, his hands grabbing at his hair.

“Stop, don’t so that,” Liam said gently pulling his hands away.

“Zayn I can’t imagine how hard…” Detective Cower began but Zayn had no desire to hear it.

“HE VIDEOTAPED HIMSELF RAPING ME! ALL THOSE YEARS, ALL THOSE FUCKING YEARS!” he screamed jumping to his feet and bolting towards the door.

Zayn pulled it open and took off down the hallway. He could feel all the contents of his stomach rushing up to his throat and he was physically holding it back with his hand. He crashed into the bathroom and threw himself into the first stall he saw, somehow locking the door behind him. Zayn fell to his knees and threw up into the toilet. It was violent, his stomach being ripped apart as he heaved over and over. He could barely breath as he sobbed, feeling like he was shattering into pieces.

“Zayn, Zayn, baby, I need you to unlock the stall!” Liam voice fluttered into his ear.

“Liam…” he cried before his body heaved again and he vomited up nothing, he’s stomach feeling like it was ripping apart.

“It’s going to be okay, I promise, love. But I need you to unlock the door.” he pleaded gently again.

Zayn rested his forehead against the toilet as he tried to catch his breath, his sobs still coming out as hard as they were when they started. He reached behind him and felt for the latch. As soon as his hand was on it, he pushed it and the door swinging open.

Liam quickly squeezed inside the tight space and latched the door behind him, giving them some privacy in case someone walked in. He dropped to his knees and wrapped an arm around Zayn’s quivering body. Zayn looked up, his view clouded by his tears and started to come undone again. His sobs came harder, feeling like his chest was being cracked open, and nausea hit him again.

He leaned back over the toilet as felt a dry heave over take him, his whole body on fire.

“Zayn baby, listen to me. I need you to calm down, just a little bit, okay? I know you’re so upset and that’s okay but you’re making yourself sick. You have to take a few deep breaths and try to relax,” Liam soothed running the back of his hand across Zayn’s flushed cheek.

Zayn knew Liam was right, he needed to pull himself together. He was going to tear his stomach apart if not, already feeling the burn from convulsing around nothing. He closed his eyes, his tears still dripping into the toilet and took several deep breaths, just focusing on breathing and the feeling of Liam’s hand running gentle circles over his back.

After a few minutes, he started to calm down enough to fall back and rest his head against the wall. All the strength was gone from his body as he slumped over, still trying to get his breaths to return to normal.

“Zayn, love, can you look at me?” Liam asked.

He was so close, Zayn could feel his breath. It comforted him actually, having Liam that close. So he took one last long shaky breath and opened his eyes.

Liam’s eyes conveyed so much love, so much compassion, that he felt his emotions welling up again, “He videotaped me Liam,” he said shakily, “He recorded all the things he did to me. It’s like he trapped a part me on them…”

“Oh baby, I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling, but I can promise you that we are going to get through this. You are so strong and I know you can get through this. It’s going to be okay,” Liam said trying to sooth him.

Zayn opened his mouth but nothing came out at first. It was just open, gaping, as he worked to get it out, “How?!” he finally said, “How am I going to get through this?”

Liam didn’t know what to say because he wasn’t quite sure himself, so he just gripped both of Zayn’s hands in his own, holding them tightly.

“Oh… oh god… Oh my god!” Zayn said shaking his head back and forth tears starting to pile up in his eyes again.

“What, what’s the matter?”

“What… what if he showed people. Wha… what if they’re on the internet?!” Zayn yelled.

“Zayn…” Liam said trying to calm him down, but the thought unsettled him too. What if Barry did do that?

“Oh god Liam, what if he did? What am I going to do? NO, no, no no, I can’t… I can’t...!” he cried.

Liam reached forward and steadied Zayn’s face with his hands, looking directly into his eyes, “We need to go back in there and talk to Detective Cower about this, okay? I know you’re upset and you have every right to be upset, but you have questions and you deserve the answers. And you’re not going to get those answers sitting on this floor.”

Zayn let Liam’s word sink into his brain and after a few moments he nodded. He closed his eyes and wiped his face, pushing away his emotions. He took a few deep breaths and with Liam’s help got off the floor. Liam wrapped an arm around him and guided him to the sink. He grabbed several paper towels and ran them under the tap before bring them up and wiping off Zayn’s face.

“All better, see?” Liam said with a smiled when he was done.

Zayn just responded with a weak smile before look down at his hands, wishing they would stop shaking.

“You ready to head back or do you need more time?”

Zayn hesitated for only a minute before nodding, “Yeah, let’s just get this over with.”

“Are you sure?” Liam asked, double checking.

“Yeah.”

Liam guided Zayn out of the bathroom and back down the hall quickly. Zayn kept his head down, not wanting to make eye contact with any of the eyes that he could feel on him. He was so thankful that Liam was there because he wasn’t sure he could do this on his own. They walked back into Detective Cower’s office and Liam closed the door, the silence in the room deafening.

It wasn’t until both Liam and Zayn sat down that the detective finally spoke, “Zayn, are you okay?”

The concern was real and genuine but Zayn didn’t care. He just needed to finish this so he could start to try to deal with it, “I’m fine,” he said quietly.

“Are you sure?”

“I said I’m fine!” Zayn snapped.

“This is just a lot to take… and honestly... it’s horrible! This isn’t good news!” Liam jumped in, always ready to do the hard things so Zayn didn’t have too.

“It’s not ideal, no. But we got him; there is no weaseling his way out of this one. And Zayn, you should try to find some peace in that,” Detective Cower explained, trying make the horrifying reality of all this just a little easier to swallow.

“He raped me and it’s on camera! Barry finally going to prison doesn’t make this any easier.”

Liam grabbed his hand, “This… this is hard pill to swallow, it really is. There’s just so many questions.”

“Then go right ahead. Ask me whatever you need to know.” Detective Cower offered trying to do whatever he could to make this a little easier.

“Do we have any idea if he could have shown these anyone?” Liam asked, the thought making him sick to his stomach.

“Not to our knowledge. There is no evidence that anyone even knew they existed.”

“Okay, that’s good news,” Liam said.

“Are they on the internet?” Zayn asked, suddenly finding his voice.

“No,” Detective Filmore chimed in, “We did some pretty extensive searches and there had been no matches what so ever. We’re pretty confident these videos were for his own private enjoyment.”

Zayn bit his lip and looked down at his hands, the answer making him feel better but worse all at the same time.

“Are there any other questions?”

“No,” Liam started to say but was drowned out by Zayn, “What do you want from me? I know you could have told me this information over the phone or through Skype. Why did you make me fly all the way here? What do you want?”

Detective Cower gave him a sad smile, “I need you to identify yourself in the videos. I don’t need you to watch the whole thing, just a portion to confirm it’s you, on the record.”

“I’ll do it! Let me do it, please,” Liam yelled wanting to do nothing but protect Zayn.

“No way! No way, Liam! I don’t want you to see it!” Zayn said forcefully.

“You don’t need to see them either,” Liam tried to reason.

“It’s not your choice Liam. And I will do it myself.”

Liam and Zayn locked eyes both struggling to win the battle but ultimately Zayn had the upper hand no matter how hard Liam fought.

“I… I want to do this alone…” he told the room, not addressing anyone in particular.

“Zayn…” Liam started to protest.

“No Liam, I don’t want anyone in here with me while I have to watch this, okay? It’s not you or anything like that, it’s just… please,” Zayn begged.

There was no way Liam could fight that, “Okay…” he said.

“Zayn, I need to stay to take your statement and guide you through the videos. It won’t take long, ten minutes the most. I will have Detective Filmore here escort out Liam, okay.”

Zayn just nodded as his whole body just filled with suffocating dread.

“Zayn, I will be right outside,” Liam told him, reaching for him almost, as he was guided out.

Once the door was closed, Detective Cower didn’t waste any time turning the TV on and grabbing the remote, “I will do this quick and as painless as possible, okay? All I need for you to do is tell me if that is you when I ask okay?”

Zayn doesn’t remember responding; he doesn’t remember what the first images that flashed across the screen were. What he does remember, was every video, every horrible second he was forced to watch. It brought him back to those hotel rooms and storage closets and dressing rooms. He remember each time, the whole experience washing back over him after just seconds of an image crossing the screen.

“Is that you?”

“Yes...”

“Is that you?”

“Yes…”

“Is that you?”

“Yes...”

That was the conversation over and over and over again as he began to wonder what it would feel like to say no. To be like, _no, that’s not me being forced to my knees_ or _no, that’s not me pleading for him to not hurt me this time_. Zayn wondered what that would be like.

When it was over, Zayn never felt this numb in his life. He sat still, too overwhelmed by the images and memories to really feel anything. He just followed blindly as Detective Cower, beckoned him out of the chair and into the hall where a very anxious Liam was waiting.

As soon as they came out, Liam threw himself at Zayn, “Are you okay? Are you okay?” he asked.

Liam just fell into his embrace and closed his eyes, “Yea,” was all he could get out.

They took Zayn to the desk where he was instructed to sign the confirmation that the information he had provided today was truthful, before Detective Cower asked Zayn to stay in LA for a few more days just in case they needed anything else. Zayn agreed too numb to push back.

They walked down the corridor in silence. They walked out the door in silence. In fact they stayed in complete silence until they were inside the car with the doors closed.

“Zayn…” Liam said turning to him, worried out of his mind.

“Liam, I… I really don’t want to talk about it. Can we just go?” he begged.

                “Yeah… of course… Are you okay, though? That’s all I want to know.”

                “Zayn swallowed hard and nodded, “Yea, I’ll be okay.”

                Liam studied Zayn’s face, “Are you sure?”

                Zayn turned his head and looked right into Liam’s eyes, “Liam I…. I just really want to go lay down.”

                Liam nodded and decided not push the issue. There was no reason to make this any worse than it already was. There would be a time for conversations and a time to start healing but right now, Liam knew he needed to give Zayn whatever he was asking for.

                He through the car in reverse and pulled out of the spot, taking Zayn’s hand in his own. He was here, no matter what Zayn needed, he was here and he hoped that Zayn understood that.


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!!! I just wanted to start out by saying I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY about the update taking this long! Life got in the way and again I had to find time to get this chapter cleaned up and edited so I could post it! As ALWAYS thank you so much for your comments and kudos and bookmarks and subscriptions and just reading it. Thank you all so so so much!!! I am hoping I have the next update in the next few days, but I say that and it doesn't always happen lol. I'm REALLY gonna try though!!! Anyway, I really hope you like this chapter, it's a pretty big chapter for Zayn and I'm excited for you guys to read it! Thanks again everyone and enjoy :)))))))))

They did talk, not right away but they talked. It was that night when they curled up in bed, in the bedroom in Liam’s LA house, the bedroom that Liam and Zayn had shared so much in, that Zayn finally opened up.

As he lay with his head on Liam’s chest, Liam’s fingers brushing through his hair, he told Liam all the details he could bare about the videos. He told him how each one, no matter how short, made him feel like he was being ripped open and left to bleed out on the floor. He told Liam how he had been asked, ‘ _Is that you’_ and he answered ‘ _Yes’_ over and over and over again.

Liam stayed silent, letting Zayn ramble on; half the time Zayn wasn’t even sure he was making sense. How could he make sense of the reality that there were videos… of his assaults… and he never had any clue?

_“You’re so strong Zayn, you’ve just been so, so strong and you never cease to amaze me. Don’t let it stop you now because… I know it sounds cold… but at least the videos will lock him away forever. It’s really over; Barry is finally going to be punished for what he did.”_ Liam had whispered as his lips ghosted over his cheeks.

Zayn closed his eyes and savored the feeling of Liam all around him. He felt like Liam was the only solid thing he could hang onto right now. And there was no way he was ever letting go.

Liam was right though, Detective Cower was right, Barry couldn’t weasel out of this one. If anyone watched even just a second of one of those videos, there wasn’t a shadow of a doubt that they were watching an assault. There was absolutely nothing consensual about any of it. But something felt heavy inside Zayn and he couldn’t celebrate the victory; something just wouldn’t let him.

_“I know Liam, I think I’ll be able to be to find the positive in it… just not yet,”_ Zayn responded cuddling closer.

_“Of course, you take all the time you need. I’ll be right here no matter what.”_

Zayn turned his head and looked up at Liam, his chin resting on Liam’s bare chest, _“I don’t know what I would do without you Liam. I just want you to know that.”_

Liam had leaned forward and kissed Zayn’s forehead before cuddling him back down, _“I love you Zayn.”_

_“I love you too.”_

That felt like years ago to Zayn. After the conversation had died off, it wasn’t long before Zayn could hear Liam’s deep breaths signaling that he had fallen asleep. Zayn watched him for a little while, loving how when Liam slept he could still see the 18-year-old kid that had stole his heart without even trying. It was like all the years were washed away and Liam was the awkward, adorable boy again.

But staring at Liam’s sleeping face got tiring and Zayn closed his own eyes, trying to mimic him, only to be thrown into a light restless sleep. He would drift off and wake back up feeling like he’d been asleep for days and it had only been minutes. Or, he would finally fall into a deep sleep only to be plagued with confusing dreams filled with disturbing images that were a mixture of memories and fears.

When the sun finally started to peek through the window, Zayn had gotten maybe three hours of sleep. He was exhausted but restless all at the same time. But no matter how exhausted he was, he couldn’t resist the desire he had to run away. Not permanently, no way, he couldn’t live one day without Liam, he just needed a few hours. Maybe some fresh air would help him get a grip on his feelings and give him closure for this most recent and hopefully, last chapter in this horrifying ordeal.

As quietly as he could, Zayn untangled himself from Liam’s limbs and climbed out of bed. He grabbed his clothes out and got ready in the guest bathroom so he wouldn’t wake Liam. He made his way down the stairs as quietly as possible and saw the keys to the Range Rover on the table next to the front door. He grabbed them and hoped Liam would understand he wasn’t leaving him; he just needed a few hours alone. But as his hand touched the doorknob, he thought about how unfair he was being to Liam; Liam, who had pretty much given up everything to help put Zayn’s life back together. He owed him more than just disappearing, no matter how short of a time he was gone.

Zayn scoured around looking for a pen and paper. He eventually settled for a pencil and the back of an envelope.

_Liam,_

_I’m sorry, I just needed some fresh air and some time to myself. I couldn’t sleep and I have a lot on my mind. I’ll be back later, so please don’t worry!_

 

_I love you with all my heart,_

_Zayn_

 

_P.S. I borrowed your Range Rover, I hope you don’t mind :)_

 

Quietly, he crept back up to the bedroom and placed the note on his pillow, knowing Liam would see it as soon as he woke up. Hopefully, he wouldn’t be too angry with him. Zayn took one last look at Liam before heading back down the stairs and out the front door.

He drove for a while, at least an hour, with no real purpose. The radio was off at first, trying to let his thoughts run free with no distractions but it just seemed to make all the thoughts in his head swirl around louder. So he turned the radio on, hoping for a distraction, and it worked. But when he found himself pulling into a parking lot at some beach along the coast and he cut the engine, he knew immediately the distraction was only temporary. As soon as the radio cut, all the thoughts in his head swirled again.

He groaned loudly, placing his head against the steering wheel and trying to calm himself. Why did he feel like this? Why was this happening now? Those were answers he wished he had.

The thing was, he knew the why the videos were so traumatizing. He had been sexually abused the entire time he was in the band and the person who was responsible for that abuse had filmed some of the incidents. But when Zayn thought about it, there was a silver lining to this cloud. For once, Barry had backed himself into a corner he couldn’t escape from and Zayn should find some relief in that. Yet here he was, staring out at the Pacific Ocean on some beach he didn’t even know the name of in Liam’s Range Rover.

He sighed and tried to calm himself down enough to focus on one thought at a time. It wasn’t working, the silence was making him crazy, he needed another distraction. So, he opened the car door and took off near the shore line, the smell of the ocean and the sound of the waves enough to take a little of the edge off.

Zayn came just close enough to the water that the tide almost touched his bare feet, his sneakers clutched in his hand as he stared out into the sea. He let his eyes drift out to where the water and the sky met, feeling the allure to try to get to that place. He wondered how amazing of a sight that would be, the sky and the water touching. He understood the pull the explorers must have had, wanting to set sail and see a place no one had ever seen before.

Zayn stared out into the water for a while, lost in the thoughts of explorers and the ocean, losing track of time. It wasn’t until he heard scurrying behind him; that he snapped out of it suddenly on edge. He spun, terrified by who might be behind him, only to see a woman with her dog jogging past. He let out a long breath, relaxing, but still his eyes roamed the beach to making sure no one was there.

He took a step closer to the water now and this time he felt the cool water wash over his feet when the waves rolled in. He didn’t know if that was what made his brain click or if it was all the thoughts about explorers. Either way, he realized that he needed to leave, standing here wasn’t solving anything.

                As Zayn drove out of the parking lot, he headed back in the direction he came. There was no real rhyme or reason why he felt compelled to do what he was about to do. But something inside pulled him, made him realize that maybe to find peace, to let himself fully heal, he had to start from the beginning.

Anxiety was planted in his chest, growing with every mile that he traveled. But that didn’t make him stop, he was sure he needed to do this. The parking lot felt foreign and unfamiliar, but as soon as he walked into the lobby, he was sure of where he was. Without making eye contact, he headed for the elevators off to the right, pushing floor five as quickly as he could.

When the bell chimed and the doors opened to empty hall in front of him, Zayn took one deep breath before stepping out into the silence. Slowly, he approached the corridor and looked at the sign telling him rooms 501 to 540 to the right, not that he needed it, he knew exactly where he was going.

The hallway was deserted but he didn’t feel alone, especially when he approached the door of room 531. The Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel was the first hotel the boys stayed at when they came to the U.S. to record _Up All Night_. It was also the place that _it_ first happened; this was the hotel Barry had raped Zayn in that first time.

He stopped right there, the world turning off around him as he stared at the door and the sign that read 531. Right behind the door was where Zayn’s life changed, where things too horrific even for nightmares became his reality. Right behind this door, a part of him was ripped away, the part of him he was still looking for.

Zayn wondered if the room looked the same, was the furniture the same, the rug, the curtains? He wondered if the mattress had been replaced or was it the same one, filled with traces of Zayn’s blood and tears. The thought made him shudder.

A thought crept back into his head, a thought he had tumbled over hundreds of times before. Why did Barry do those things to him? What did he do to deserve such torture?

“Excuse me honey, I don’t mean to startle you... but are you okay?” a little voice came from beside Zayn shaking him out his thoughts.

He turned to the small woman next to him. She had to be nearly sixty years old, barely five feet tall, and she had a name tag on baring the hotels name.

“Uhh… yeah. I’m sorry,” he said not really knowing why he was apologizing.

“Do you need to get in your hotel room? I can get the keys from the housekeeping cart?” she asked, her hand coming rest gently on Zayn’s arm.

Zayn was surprised, but the last thing he wanted was to go in there. He felt like standing inside that room might be too much.

“No, no, me and my... ugh… wife… had a fight and she made me leave. I was going to wake her up to talk but, you know how that might go…” Zayn said lying through his teeth.

The ladies face lit right up, “Oh sweetheart, you’re playing with fire there. Let her sleep and come back in a little bit. If you have nowhere just go down to lobby, we have free coffee and pastries while you wait.”

“Thank-you, I appreciate it,” he said back.

She smiled and patted his arm but walked away and eventually turned out of site. He was alone again but his thoughts had been interrupted and now he was nervous she might not believe his story. What if she told the front desk about him and they called security and, well that was a whole mess he didn’t want or need. So, he decided it was best to leave.

He left as quickly and undetected as he could; letting out a long breath as soon as he closed the door of the Range Rover. He felt better actually; seeing that door was like one of his therapy sessions. Facing the violations that were done to him was like when his doctor made him talk about certain experiences. Talking opened wounds, but it was like when you cut yourself and it gets infected. You have to pull out the toxin so you can heal properly. Yes it hurt, but only at first.

There was no doubt in his mind where he wanted to go next, but he wasn’t sure he’d actually be able to do it. Would he really be able to set foot into that space? Zayn wasn’t sure, but he sure as hell was going to try. Something inside him told him he had to try.

Right before he was about to pull away, he heard his phone vibrate. He pulled it out pocket and saw that it was from Liam.

 

                _Hey babe got your note and I know u said u needed some alone time so I’m not trying to crowd u or smother u or anything like that... just wanted to tell u that if u need me call. Otherwise I love u be safe and I’ll see u when u get home!_

_Oh and PS don’t leave my gas tank on E u know that drives me crazy! Lol XXXX_

 

Zayn felt his cheeks muscles pull, his smile growing huge as he read Liam’s words. Liam was supportive and loving and more than Zayn could ever ask for. Zayn took a deep breath and put down his phone. Liam’s text had given him the strength he was looking for to finish this journey.

The Hollywood Tower Hotel was like his personal battlefield, a battlefield he had fought with everything he had and lost on. But when he thought about it, maybe losing the battle really was helping him win this war. Maybe revisiting the battleground would push him to victory.

When Zayn finally pulled into the parking lot and stepped out of the car, it felt surreal. This place was one of nightmares and one that Zayn thought he would never have to see again. But once again life had twisted away we never expect and here he was.

Walking into the lobby was less surreal and more smothering. It felt like walking into a box, a box that was built to cage him, contain him as a prisoner. But Zayn pushed himself through, knowing he had to do this. Zayn approached the desk and the girl seated behind it smiled at him.

“Can I help you, sir?”

“Yea… I ugh… I have a strange question. If I booked a room would I be able to request a particular one?”

“Of course, as long as it’s available,” she assured him.

“And if I pay for early check-in can I get in right now, if no one is in it that is?” he asked.

She hesitated clearly thinking about her answer, “Well… I don’t see why not,” she said typing something into her computer.

“I’ll pay for last night too if I have too!” Zayn told her.

                Her head shot up with a look of surprise but she quickly shook it off her face, “No sir, I don’t think that will be necessary. If it’s available right now, I can let you check in and go right up. Do you know the room number?”

                “7504”

                The only sound for a minute or two was her typing. He tried not read her face, wondering if she knew what had taken place in that room, she did work here after all. One Direction’s management and label did a pretty good job at keeping everything quiet. Although, it was not for Niall’s and Zayn’s sake, it was more for Barry and their own.

                “It’s your lucky day, that room is available,” she said all smiles.

                Zayn had to force his, “Great, what do you need from me?”

                “Credit Card and ID.”

                Zayn handed everything over and only waited another minute or two for her to enter his information. Then he signed a few papers and was handed his key, “Thank-you very much.”

                “My pleasure, enjoy your stay with us.” she told him gesturing to the elevators.

                He nodded and walked towards them, taking them up to the seventh floor. The hallway was deserted when he stepped out. Right away, Zayn could see the door to room 7504 looming in the distance, like a gateway to hell. He stood in place way longer than he should before he slowly walked towards it. It took even longer for Zayn to get the courage to put his hand on the doorknob and insert the key card, almost as if his skin was going to burn off if he did.

The door beeped that it was unlocked and Zayn pushed it open. He stood in the door frame staring at the room laid out in front of him. It looked exactly the same as it did that day, except he was alone. There was no Niall tied to a chair; no Barry staring at him like he was his next meal.

Zayn took a deep breath and then a few gingered steps inside, nearly jump out of his skin when the door slammed behind him. Instantly, he began to panic, being inside this room made him feel trapped. All he wanted to do was run out of there as fast as he could, but he held strong, knowing he needed to do this, he could this.

Each step further into the room felt like he was carrying a thousand pound boulders on each of his shoulders. And when the room finally opened up and the bed came into view, the bed in the exact same spot with the exact same comforter as that day, he felt another thousand pound boulder settle in his gut.

The room was quiet and if you didn’t know, you’d have no idea what actually had transpired here. It looked like any other hotel room, but to Zayn, this was a place that still held a part of him. This place felt like it held all the parts that Barry had taken and never given back. Maybe that’s why he came, to try and find them.

Zayn was scared to move, scared to sit anywhere, but after a while he conceded. He went and grabbed one of the chairs in the hallway and dragged into the middle of the room, so he could sit at stare at where it all happened. He could still see Niall tied up, feet from the bed. He could hear Naill’s screams; he could hear his own screams.

                It was strange, what Zayn was experiencing. He could feel everything he felt that day, as if he was reliving it, but yet at the same time, he could see it playing out in front of him like he was watching home movies. It played over and over, the feelings washed over him again and again, and he tortured himself through it until his brain just literally stopped.

                Why, he just wanted to know why? Zayn just wanted to know what drove Barry to do this to him. Zayn wanted to know if Barry ever felt a inkling of remorse for it. Zayn wanted to know how Barry woke up every morning after he had raped him and just went through life like none of it happened. Cause it was never like that for Zayn. Sometimes the morning after was just as bad as the night before.

                Zayn was on his feet than, walking over to the bed and hesitantly bring his hand down to touch the comforter. The effect it had on him was sudden and unexpected. It was like all his emotions were trapped under in that spot and were unleashed when he touched it. They exploded and so did Zayn, falling to the floor as sobs rippled through him.

                He cried for a while, his body slumping against the bed, thinking about that boy he was the morning before Barry raped him that first time. The boy who had a little crush on his best friend, the boy who thought he was one of the luckiest people in the world, the boy who was innocent.

Zayn thought about the man he was the day he left the band, closing himself off to everything and everyone he loved, thinking it was for the best. He could save his friends, but more importantly he could save himself. The man that had no idea that running away would never mean saving. Zayn thought about who he was when he came back to LA with Harry; who he was now that he had been through all of this.

                It occurred to him than that there was no _fixing_ this. What was done was done; the past is just that, the past. But _he_ could be fixed because Zayn was still the man he was before he was trapped in the hotel room. He was still the man that left the band and he was still that sweet innocent boy who became the prey of a monster. And maybe that was what he had been missing this whole time; maybe that’s why the videos affected him the way they did.

                Yes it was hard to watch the things he’d been subjected too, but it was even harder watching the person he was at that moment have something else taken from him. It was like watching yourself crack into piece over and over and over.

                Zayn stopped crying and wiped at his face before standing up and sitting down on the bed. He was cracked, that’s what he kept thinking. He was cracked, but he also could hear a small voice in the back of his head saying _but you’re not broken_. And as he sat there longer and longer the voice got louder and louder. He was cracked but not broken. No matter how hard Barry tried, he could only crack Zayn, not break him.

                Zayn felt himself fall back on the bed, exhaustion suddenly overtaking him. It had been a trying day, and yesterday had been no better. All these emotions and painful memories were taking their toll on him and before he realized what was happening, his eyes grew heavy and he fell asleep.

                When Zayn opened his eyes hours later, the sun shining an orange glow over the room as it came in through the window, it took a moment for Zayn to remember where or why he was here. But when he did, the first thing he thought about was his dreams. He dreamt of a lot of things, like explorers on ocean journeys and endless hotel corridors and gas stations that had no gas. But the one thing he didn’t think of was Barry. His dreams had been free of Barry. And now he realized, like a light bulb being lit up, that maybe, just maybe he could finally really be free of Barry.

                This whole time since he began on this journey, the moment he told the boys what had happened to him, he wanted to move on. But what Zayn wasn’t seeing was that in order to move on you have to face it head on and push through it. To heal, you have to let yourself bleed first. Zayn was ready to bleed; he was ready to heal. He was ready to get to the place where Barry couldn’t hurt him anymore.

                Zayn sat up and notice immediately those boulders were gone, he almost felt weightless. He was ready to leave this place behind, both figuratively and literally. Some people would say he was crazy to spend the money he just did to spend a few hours in a hotel, but to Zayn what he felt like he found in here was priceless. So he walked towards the door, ready to go home to Liam, ready to leave this place where it was meant to be left; in that past. Zayn didn’t turn around once not even as the door closed behind him, knowing what he left of himself in that room he no longer needed. And whatever it was that he found, was the pieces of himself that he had been looking for this whole time.


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my!!! I HAVE to start this off by saying a HUGE thanks to everyone in regards to the last chapter! I'm so happy you guys liked it!!! Sorry that I didn't have this chapter up earlier today or last night. We got hit by a huge snow storm here and I was busy helping the family do some things lol Anyway here is the next chapter, hope you enjoy! I should have another update by Sunday or Monday! Thanks again everyone!

Liam wasn’t sure how he was sitting so still when his nerves were frayed and his mind was racing. Maybe it was the amount of time he spent pacing his house today or maybe it was Louis’s voice coming through his speaker phone, “There is no reason for you to panic Liam! He told you he needed to get away, clear his head and that’s exactly what he’s doing.”

                Liam sighed out of frustration, “Yeah, well it’s nearly dark out and he’s been gone since before I woke up this morning. This is a long time to clear your head.”

                “He would have called you if something was wrong,” Louis countered.

                “Not necessarily, did you forget how Zayn and Niall literally disappeared the day Barry…”

                “Barry is in jail, Liam! Zayn is not with Barry!”

                Liam knew that was true, but he could never be sure, not with the way Barry had a way of appearing when you least expected it. He hoped that he could shake those fears one day.

“Well, what if he had someone go after Zayn,” Liam asked even though he knew he sounded crazy.

                “Okay, now you’re being ridiculous,” Louis said with such a tone that Liam was sure Louis was rolling his eyes.

                “Liam,” Harry’s voice chimed in suddenly, “I thought you said you wanted to give Zayn the space he asked for so he could deal with this the way he wanted too?”

                “I am! I only sent him one text. I’m freaking out to you guys so I don’t freak out to him!” Liam explained.

                “Well, just try and relax. Things seem different now that Barry’s back in jail. I really think it’s over.”

                Liam felt that too and it was a good feeling. But he also saw how hard the latest developments had hit Zayn and Liam could only imagine what internal turmoil Zayn must be going through. That was keeping him from being too optimistic. Yes Barry being locked away was great, but the most important things was that Zayn’s mental health was okay.

                Before Liam could respond to Harry, he saw headlights shine through his window and he jumped up from the couch running over to look out. He breathed a heavy sigh of relief when he saw that the Range Rover had just pulled into the driveway.

                “Guys, he’s home, let me go okay?”

                “See, I told you it would be fine. We’ll talk to you later Liam,” Louis said.

                “Shut up… but thanks,” Liam said before hanging up the phone and tossing it onto the couch.

                He just stood in the living room waiting for Zayn to come into the house. Liam was nervous, slightly terrified actually, because he had no idea what Zayn was going to walk through the door. Ever since they had reconnected, Zayn had responded to things the way he always responded to things. But today he took off; he just left and essentially went out to fix his problems without Liam’s help. What if when Zayn walked through the door, he didn’t need him anymore?

                Liam didn’t have that much time to dwell on his anxieties before the door opened and Zayn walked inside. He seemed surprised to see Liam just standing in the middle of the room with no obvious purpose. They stared at each other for just a moment before Zayn ran to Liam and wrapped his arms around him.

                “I am so sorry that I was out this late. That wasn’t my plan. I feel asleep and… I’m sorry. Are you mad? Please don’t be mad!” Zayn said burrowing his face in Liam’s neck.

                Liam closed his eyes and savored the feeling of Zayn in his arms. He was safe and he seemed okay and to Liam that was all the mattered. He squeezed him back tightly, breathing in Zayn’s familiar scent.

“I’m not mad at all. I’m just glad you’re home,” he whispered back.

It was Liam that broke away first; wanting to take a look at him, make sure he really was okay and not just saying it. Liam gripped him by his shoulders and held him in place, looking him over.

“What?” Zayn asked.

“I’m just… I want to make sure you’re really okay.”

“I am, I really am,” he told Liam, flashing a smile that had a glint in it that Liam hadn’t seen in a long time.

“You sure, I know yesterday was a really rough day?”

Zayn’s smile never left his face, “Yeah, I’m sure.”

Liam could see Zayn was telling the truth, it was right there in his eyes. It was surprising but it was a good surprise. They hadn’t had a lot of those.

There was a silence wrapping around them as they stood there looking at each other. Each one of them had so much to say, but neither of them were speaking. Zayn had no clue where to even start and Liam was scared, scared of what Zayn might have to say.

Liam couldn’t stand it anymore and took Zayn’s hand and guided him to the sofa, so they weren’t just standing around like fools.  It wasn’t long after they were seated that Zayn slid close to Liam and put a hand on his knee, “Can we talk?”

Liam’s nerve ends were standing on end, he didn’t know why but he was anxious about this, “Yeah of course,” he said trying to sound as normal as possible.

                Zayn eyed him; aware right away that something with Liam was off, “What’s wrong?”

                “Nothing,” Liam said trying harder to make it believable this time.

                He took a moment, Zayn studying Liam’s face, “You’re not lying are you?”

“No,” Liam said again, flashing a smile to try and sell it, “Come on, talk to me.”

Zayn smiled back and took a deep breath before he spoke, “Today was a big day for me.”

Liam wasn’t sure if Zayn was expecting him to respond, but he decided to stay silent and let Zayn continue before he said anything.

“I did a lot of soul searching today. I realized a lot, came to terms with a lot… I feel different, you know? I mean I know it sounds crazy but honestly, today sort of changed me…”  

                “Do you want to tell me about it?”

                Zayn stopped and seemed a little shocked, “Of course I want to tell you about. I want to share everything with you. Why would you even think that?”

                “I… I don’t know. I just thought maybe you wanted the space… I really want to give you the space you need so you can deal with this your way. I don’t want make the same mistakes I made the last time when Barry called,” Liam explained.

                It was hard for Liam. He was so angry about the videos and if he was being honest, he was pissed about the way the detective handled the whole situation. They should have been given a heads up before they walked into that office. Detective Cower was well aware of what Zayn was going through and smacking him in the face with that kind of information didn’t sit well with Liam. He was trying so hard to not make this any harder for Zayn, let Zayn deal with his way. But that wasn’t in Liam’s nature and it was beginning to drive him nuts.

                Zayn grabbed Liam’s hand, “You have no idea how much it means to me that you let me do this my way. I… I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said and…”

                “What I said?” Liam asked confused.

                “When we had that argument, about me and my therapist.”

                Liam was horrified, “Babe, I told you everything I said wasn’t really what I meant. Please tell me you…”

                Zayn cut him off, “No, but there was some things you said that were true. I know you didn’t mean it but you were on to something, I do depend on you too much.”

                “What?!” Liam all but screamed, his eyes nearly popping out of his head, “Zayn no! I didn’t mean that when I said it!”

                Liam felt like he wanted to cry. He thought this was behind them, he thought Zayn understood what he really meant.

                “Relax Liam, I know you didn’t mean it, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true.”

                “Zayn!” he pleaded again wondering why Zayn was doing this to him.

                The raw emotion must have been all over Liam’s face because Zayn stroked his cheek and kissed him lightly, “Calm down, okay? Just… let me explain.”

                Liam didn’t know what else to do but let Zayn explain.

                “I couldn’t sleep last night. It was on and off, on and off. The videos… they… they made me feel like a piece of me was missing, just gone and trapped in those recordings. I didn’t know how to deal with what I was feeling and all I knew was that I needed to clear my head or I was going to go crazy. So I drove around for a while aimlessly until I ended up at the beach, while I was there something clicked in my head and I…. I just knew I had to do it. I went to the hotel we stayed at when we first came to America.”

                Liam had been listening, trying to get an idea of what was going on in Zayn’s head when it clicked,  “Zayn isn’t that where… where Barry first...?”

                Zayn gave him a sad smile, “Yea, I went up to the room and everything, I didn’t go inside I just stood there outside the door.”

                “Oh god Zayn, you remember the number of the room you stayed in? Liam asked saddened by the implications.

                “I’ll never forget a single detail about that room. He stole a piece of me there... a piece of me that I realized today I’ve been searching for this whole time.”

                It hurt Liam to hear Zayn say things like that. It was those things that Liam wished he could take away the most, “Did it help, going there?” he asked softly.

                Zayn shrugged, “Sort of... I mean it made me face a lot of the things I’ve been running from. You have to understand that before I came back, before I saw him make a play on Harry, I had no intentions of telling anyone what had been done to me, ever. I buried so many things inside of me that even now, I sometimes feel like I’m still pulling myself out a hole.”

“Zayn,” Liam said taking his other hand, “Why didn’t you tell me you were feeling like this?”

“I didn’t even realize it till I was standing there looking at that door.”

Liam smiled and squeezed his hand, “Well, I am so proud of you for realizing all these things, it takes guts to face your demons.”

Zayn nodded, “Yeah it was hard but not that hardest... Liam, I… I went back there, I went back to that hotel room he attacked me and Niall in...”

Liam was shocked. He didn’t say anything at first, just stared at Zayn trying to gather all his thoughts into something made sense, “Zayn...?”

“I had to Liam. I had to go… it felt like that was where it all ended and I thought maybe… maybe I would find whatever it was I was looking for. I got in the room. I paid for the night so I could go inside.”

“Zayn,” Liam said touching his cheeks, “You are the bravest person I have ever met. I can’t believe you had the kind of courage… Do it help… did it do whatever it was you were hoping it would?”

Zayn took a second to savor Liam’s touch before answering, “Yes… no… I mean yeah, I think so. It was hard being there at first. But I sat there and tried to make sense of everything that Barry’s done to me, how he couldn’t just let me go, how he videotaped himself raping me and I realized that what I’ve been looking for doesn’t exist. I was looking for that piece of me that he took. I thought I needed it to make me whole again, but that piece is gone, he destroyed it the first time he had sex with me. What I need to do is heal without that piece; I need to heal with what I have left. That’s the only way I can be whole again.”

“This is why I’m saying that you were right about me depending on you too much, because as much as I love you and need you and depend on you, I need to heal myself. You can’t heal me. I’ve been trying to avoid that for a long time, but I realize it now.”

Zayn and Liam let the silence fall over them once Zayn was done. Liam wasn’t sure what to say, he hadn’t been expecting those words to come out of Zayn’s mouth, but he had never been happier that they did, “I am so proud of you Zayn, so so proud!” he said pulling him into an embrace.

“Don’t be too proud, I haven’t done anything yet. I’ve just realized it.”

“Babe, that’s the hardest part. I can’t even express how big this is!” Liam said again, thrilled. The fears he had earlier long gone. Zayn wanted to get better and he was taking the biggest step he’s ever taking in that journey.

Zayn pulled away from the embrace only to quickly dive in for a deep kiss.

“Not that I’m complaining, but what was that for?” Liam asked when Zayn pulled away.

“For being there for me this entire time; for being my anchor. I couldn’t have done any of this without you. Thank you so much for helping me; for loving me.”

Liam rested his forehead against Zayn’s, “That’s not going to change. I’m still going to help you and love you. You’re not getting rid of me,” he joked.

“Why would I ever want too?” Zayn asked.

Liam didn’t answer; he just kissed Zayn again, sealing his promises. After a few minutes of lazy kissing, Zayn pulled away and got off the couch, his fingertips reaching for Liam’s even when they’re hands were out of reach of one another.

“I’m sorry I was gone so long again today. I feel asleep at the hotel and…”

“All that matters is that you’re here now and that you’re safe. Besides, you don’t owe me any explanation, you’re my boyfriend not my employee,” Liam laughed.

“Either way, I’m sorry…”

Liam gave him a face, “What you should be apologizing for is getting up and leaving me here. Come sit back down with me.”

Zayn shook his head and walked even further away laughing at Liam, “No, I really want to take a shower.”

“Oh well, when you’re done you better come lay back down with me,” Liam demanded, “You’ve been gone all day. I’ve missed you.”

Zayn leaned on the banister and attempted to give Liam a seductive look, “Or you could just join me in the shower.”

Liam’s eyes shot up, “Seriously?”

“Seriously,” Zayn confirmed.

Liam moved quickly and nearly tripped over his own two feet to follow Zayn up the stairs. He was ready to wash away yesterday and today and take on tomorrow with Zayn standing solidly by his side.


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! As always thanks so so much for all your comments and kudos and just reading the story, especially after all this time! I was not expecting this update to come this late in the week. Things sort of imploded at my work this week and I was stressed and overwhelmed with all the work that somehow found it's way to my desk, so finding time to edit was hard. I finally had time tonight to spend cleaning up this chapter :) Finding the time to write is always easier lol anyway, I'll stop blabbing on! I hope everyone is good and that you like this next chapter! I swear on all things I can get my hands on the next chapter will be up before midweek! lol Thanks again everyone!

Niall stared out the window watching the open land roll by. He was a little over halfway to Mullinger, having just got off a flight from London to Dublin. Every passing minute in the car, his anxiety was increasing.

                This was a long time coming, considering he hadn’t come to Ireland since before they found out the truth about Zayn. Since everything had happened, Niall has been avoided this place like the plague. He’s been avoiding his brother and Nephew like plague too.

                They were worried about him, his Mother made sure to tell him that every time she visited while he was in treatment. HIs parents wanted Niall to know that his entire family was worried about him and thinking about him, not just the two of them.

                Treatment had gone really well. If he had to answer, he would say he was 85 percent better. But that last 15 percent that was the hard stuff. That was the moments that he would inadvertently be smacked with a vivid memory of his experience in that hotel room. That was the sound of someone’s voice or the feel of someone’s hands that reminded of him of Barry. That was the suffocating guilt about his nephew.

                The doctors at the clinic told him that all these issues would get better if he kept working at them and kept attending his therapy sessions. And as much as Niall agreed, he remembered how he felt after having that heart to heart with Zayn. Sometimes, facing your demons head on is the best way to combat them. So here he was, on his way to Mullinger to do just that.

                His cell phone vibrated in his pocket, bringing his attention back to here and now, Harry’s name flashing across his screen.

                “How are you doing mate?” his deep voice asked when Niall answered.

                “I’m okay...”

                Even in just those two words, Harry could hear the anxiety in Niall’s voice, “It’s going to be fine, Niall. I think this is the final piece you need to get the closure you’re looking for.”

                “I’m nervous… and scared,” Niall confided.

                “But why? Nobody is blaming you for what happened, not with Zayn and certainly not with Theo.

                Harry’s message was sincere and Niall believed it, but there were still those nagging doubts in the back of his head, “I know that… but god Harry he’s just a little boy and if he were my child I’d want to kill whoever was involved! I can’t blame my brother if he feels that way.”

                “But you weren’t the one trying to hurt your nephew, Barry was. You did all you could possibly do to protect him. If I was Greg, I’d be thankful,” Harry refuted.

                When Niall didn’t responded Harry sighed loudly, “Just relax, Niall, it will all be okay.”

                Niall closed his eyes and rested his head against the window, “I hope so,” he whispered.

**********

                His Dad’s house, the house he grew up in smelled the same, it smelled like home. The smell was comforting enough to calm his nerves a little, “How was your flight? Did you do okay?” Bobby asked handing Niall a beer as both men took a seat on the sofa.

                Niall didn’t really talk about it much, his issues with flying. It wasn’t really a fear of flying itself; it was more about being stuck in a airborne tube for hours on end. His claustrophobia sometimes got the best of him, especially on the shorter flights that didn’t offer first class accommodations and he was stuck in tight quarters with a lot of people, the flights between London and Ireland just so happened to be those types of flights.

                “Yea, I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.”

                “Why didn’t you just buy two tickets and leave the seat next to you open?” Bobby wondered out loud.

                “I’ve done that before, I forgot to think about it this time. I had a lot of other crap on my mind,” Niall explained, his eyes dissecting the beer bottle in his hand.

                Bobby let the silence fester for several seconds before he put his beer down on the table. He reached over and grabbed Niall’s bottle out of his hands before placing that on the table too. Niall stared at him confused about to say something when his Dad pulled him into a tight embrace.

                Niall didn’t fight it. He closed his eyes and squeezed his Dad back, feeling his emotions bunch in his throat.

                “I love you so much Niall. I’m just so glad that you’re okay,” his Dad told him; his emotions very apparent in his voice.

                “I love you too Dad,” Niall squeaked in reply.

                Bobby held Niall for a little while longer before pulling Niall back and holding his face in his hands, “You really are doing okay, right? I just need to make sure you’re alright.”

                Niall nodded, holding back his tears, “Yeah, I am. I’m doing a lot better. I still have my moments, but I feel like me again… for the most part.”

                Bobby’s look hardened as he moved his hands down to Niall’s shoulders, “What does that mean ‘for the most part’?”

                All Niall could do was sigh loudly, frustrated with this whole situation, frustrated with himself for feeling this way, “Dad… I don’t know how I’m going to talk to Greg, how I’m even going to be able to look at Theo.”

                The look on Bobby’s face was one of disbelief, “Why in the world would you ever worry about that? Everything that happened was NOT your fault!”

                Niall pulled back and out of his Dad’s grasp, “How would you feel if someone threatened to hurt me because of someone else?”  
                “Isn’t that kind of what happened Niall? Didn’t you get hurt because of Zayn?” Bobby asked his face stern.

                Niall was outraged, “This was NOT Zayn’s fault! I… I can’t believe you would ever blame Zayn for what Barry did! How could you even think that, let alone say it?!”

                “I don’t think that Niall. But you thinking you’re to blame with Theo is the same as someone thinking Zayn’s to blame for what happened to you. I wanted you to see how crazy it sounded,” Bobby explained.

                Niall stopped and thought about it, he had never really looked at it like that before. Maybe his Dad was right. Maybe it wasn’t his fault just like what happened to Niall wasn’t Zayn’s fault. But that still didn’t make him feel totally better, “What if Greg doesn’t see it that way?” he asked softly, “what if he hates me?”

                Bobby slid closer and patted Niall’s knee, “I can promise you that he doesn’t hate you or blame you. He just wants to see you. He was just as worried about you as me and your Mum were.”

                Niall nodded and gave his Dad a weak smile and prayed it was true. Bobby must have felt that there really was nothing else he could say that would solve anything. Niall needed to see Greg and until that happened he wasn’t going to feel better about it.

So, he handed Niall back his beer flashing him a small smile, “Try not to worry about it okay? It will all be fine when we see Greg, you’ll see.”

Niall shrugged his shoulders and took a swig of beer, “Yea, I guess.”

                Bobby patted him on the knee wishing he could give more comfort to his son then he was. It would all work out, he was sure of it. He just wished Niall would realize that too.

 

**********

                Bobby and Niall pulled into the narrow driveway in front of Greg and Denise’s home. As soon as the engine was cut, Bobby turned to Niall, “Just take a deep breath and try to relax okay?”

                Niall’s anxiety was the worst it had ever been. He knew his Dad could feel it radiating off his body. He had to relax and pull himself together; there was no way he could go inside like this. So he nodded and took a few deep breaths trying to stop himself from feeling so sick to his stomach.

                With a quick nod he silently told his Dad he was ready. They got out of the car and walked up to the doorway, Bobby giving a quick friendly knock. When the door opened, Niall froze in place. Standing on the other said was Theo, looking up at them with a sweet smile.

                “Theo!” Bobby said holding his arms out for a hug.

                Theo’s big eyes lit up and he ran to him, throwing himself in his Grandfather’s arms.

                “There’s my boy!” Bobby said hugging him close as he scooped him up, “What are you doing opening the door? What are you a big guy know or something?”

                “I am, Mum said!” he squealed with a giggle.

                “Well there you go, if Mum says then it must be true! Come on, let’s go inside.”

                Bobby walked by Niall and gestured him to follow, but Niall didn’t move until Theo reached his hand out to him over his Grandfather’s shoulder. Niall didn’t dare say no but he wanted nothing more than to run away at that moment.

                Denise was already hugging Bobby by the time Niall closed the door behind him. It was like the closing of a cage door that was trapping him inside. He stood there rigid with anxiety and guilt.

                Denise came over to him as soon as she saw him, “Niall,” she said pulling him into a long tight embrace, “We have been so worried about you. How are you doing?”

                If Niall didn’t already feel horrible, he now felt even worse. How dare he seek comfort from the Theo’s mother, the innocent child that had been dragged into this horrible mess.

                “I’m doing better,” he croaked out trying not to pull away and hurt her feelings.

                Denise finally pulled back and ran her hands running up and down his arms, “Oh god, that’s so good to hear. We were so worried about you! You hungry, I really hope you’re hungry. I made lunch.”

                “You didn’t have too,” Niall protested.

                “Stop that, I wanted too. You Horan boys all love to eat and I’m surrounded by you! Come on,” she joked finally walking away giving Niall a minute to collect himself.

                By the time he was able to will himself to move from the spot he’d been standing in, he was the last one to enter the kitchen and inadvertently the last one to take a seat. Unfortunately, the only seat left for him was right next to Greg and across from Theo.

                “Niall, come sit,” Greg said to him when he noticed Niall was just standing there look at them.

                Niall nodded and forced his legs to move again, slowly taking a seat.

                “Are you alright?” Greg asked looking at him suspiciously.

                Niall could barely look at him in the eye, but he forced himself to try, “Yeah,” he lied.

                Greg either bought or decided to drop it because he reached for the salad bowl and didn’t say anything else. Niall went through the motions of helping himself to the food on the table, although he wasn’t sure he could get anything down with how uneasy his stomach felt. All he could do was sit quietly even as the conversation started up around him, picking at the food on his plate.

                “Uncle Ni all better?” Theo suddenly said the whole table falling quiet.

                Niall was so shocked the fork fell from his hand with a loud clang. He looked at the sweet little boy staring at him and he felt his chest tightening. He didn’t know how he was going to get through this.

                “Yeah Theo, Uncle Niall is all better and he came to see you!” Greg said leaning over and patting his head.

                Theo smiled wide at Niall, obviously happy that Niall was _all better_. But the sweet gesture from that innocent little boy did nothing but make Niall want die. He couldn’t do this; he couldn’t sit here and pretend everything was okay when it so clearly wasn’t.

                “I’m sorry, I just need some air,” he said throwing himself out of the chair.

                “Niall!” his Dad yelled as he walked by, but Niall just ignored him as he nearly ran out of the house.

                He walked over to his Dad’s car and leaned against, needing something to hold him up as he tried to catch his breath. Niall closed his eyes and tried to calm his nerves to the rhythm of his breathing

                “So, when are we going to talk about this?”

                Niall opened his eyes and shot up and off the car as soon as he heard Greg’s voice. There he was standing a few feet in front of him, looking at him with an expression he couldn’t read. Niall opened his mouth to protest, but he couldn’t think of what to say. The last thing he was expecting was Greg to follow him out here.

                “Niall, you’ve barely spoken to me since everything happened and now you’re here and you’re acting like this… You got to talk to me,” Greg was begging.

                “I don’t know what to say…” Niall told him feeling like he wanted to cry.

                “Come on… you know that’s not true. Mum and Dad said you were doing great and then you come here and you act like this. What’s up… Niall please just talk to me!”

                There was no way around this, Niall could see that. He was going to have this talk with his brother whether he was ready to or not. Zayn and the conversation they had crossed his mind then, reminding him of why he came here; why he needed to do this.

                “I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry,” Niall suddenly blurted out before biting hip lip to hold back his emotions.

                Greg’s face filled with confusion, “Niall why are you sorry? You haven’t done anything wrong.”

                “Someone almost hurt Theo because of me! I am so sorry that I put him, put all of you in a situation like that!”

Greg’s face was still scrunched up in confusion as he took a few steps closer to Niall. He reached out and put his hand on Niall’s shoulder, “Is that what this is all about, why you’re acting like this? Cause you think that I somehow blame you for _his_ actions? Dear god Niall that is the farthest thing from the truth! I love you and I’m here to support you, not blame you!”

                Niall lowered his head and lost the battle with his tears, “He’s your son Greg, I put your son in danger!”

                “But you didn’t, Niall that man did! You didn’t cause any of this,” Greg said reaching out to try and comfort his brother.

                Niall moved away, “But if I wasn’t in the position I was in, Theo would have never…”

                “No stop it! I don’t know if you understand the reality of all this. As horrible as it is, children, my child was in danger because men like Barry exist. You being you did not create this threat. The threat exists with or without you!”

                “But he hired someone to target Theo. That was not some random town pervert lurking in the bushes, this was on purpose!” Niall cried, finally bringing his eyes up to Greg’s.

                “Niall, please, PLEASE don’t do this to yourself! I know you’ve been through hell. God, I want to kill the guy for what he did to you, what he threatened to do to my son! But you letting this guilt eat at you is pushing us apart and… I want to help you. I want to be there for you. I love you Niall, please stop blaming yourself cause I don’t!” Greg pleaded.

                There was silence that wrapped around them as Niall stared at his brother sniffling back his tears. Greg was right, Niall needed to let this go the same way he let the guilt about Zayn go. He had to forgive himself if he wanted to move on.

                “Greg, I know you don’t blame me, but I need to say I’m sorry. I need to say it out loud to you for me. Is that okay?”

                A soft smile crossed Greg’s face and he touched Niall’s shoulder again, “Of course Niall. If that’s what you need to do then do it.”

                “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I’m sorry to you and to Denise and to Theo.”

                “I forgive you, even though I never blamed you, to begin with,” Greg told him back.

                Niall squeezed his eyes shut as more tears dropped down his cheeks. Forgiveness was hard, especially when you need it from yourself. But that’s what Niall needed to do now, forgive himself because he was the only one who hadn’t given it yet.

Greg didn’t wait another second and pulled Niall into a hug, “I love you Niall and I’m here for you!”

                Niall hugged him back and cried a little more into his shoulder.

                “Daddy?” Theo’s little voice suddenly said startling them.

                “Theo, get back in here now!” Denise was yelling at the door and Niall and Greg pulled apart and found Theo watching them from a few feet away.

                “It’s alright Denise, he can stay out here,” Greg told her.

                “He just wanted to see you guys and I couldn’t move fast enough, I’m sorry.”

                “Babe, it’s fine. He can stay out here.”

                Niall looked down at his nephew and knew he had to stop avoiding this too. He dropped down to his eye level and took his little hand, “Sorry Uncle Niall was acting so weird when he first got here. He was being a big dummy.”

                “Your head all better?” Theo asked pointing to Niall’s forehead.

                Niall was confused and looked up at Greg, “We told him that you were in the hospital cause you hurt your head,” he explained.

                “Yeah, my head is almost all better,” Niall said turning back to Theo.

                Theo leaned forward then and gave his forehead a soft kiss, “I kiss boo, all better!”

                Niall was shocked and touched by Theo’s action. Without thinking, he scooped him up in his arms and hugged him tightly, desperately willing himself not to cry. He let himself love Theo again. It was okay to love this boy because what he had done, the choice he made that day was because of his love for Theo. He would have given everything he had to protect this child.

                “I love you Theo and I’m so sorry.”

                Theo hugged him back and Niall felt Greg touch his back and whisper in his ear, “Theo forgives you too, if that helps.”

                Niall nodded having an extremely hard time holding his tears in.

“Why don’t we go back inside,” Greg suggested.

Niall took a deep breath then and placed Theo back on the ground, ready to start again, ready to leave all of this behind him. Theo reached for his hand and Niall took it knowing whatever demons he had to battle to heal were worth it. He had done it all for Theo and he would do it all again if he had to.


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I just want to start off by saying thank you to everybody who's still reading the story, who's leaving kudos or comments. Honestly, thank you so so much. I'm glad you guys like the last chapter it was a long time coming for Niall. I really hope you like the next chapter :) i'm already at it in the next chapter I should have an update soon. Thanks again everyone as always I really appreciate it!

Zayn and Liam sat next to each other in the large empty conference room. They had gotten the phone call last night that the District Attorney needed to sit with Zayn, and discuss moving forward with the case against Barry. This was all new; the DA had never reached out about the case before.

                “You nervous?” Liam asked.

                “I’m not nervous, more anxious. It’s the waiting, you know?” Zayn confided, his fingers tapping on the oak table.

                Liam nodded and covered Zayn’s hand with his own, “I think it’s good news though. The District Attorney never wanted to speak with you before.”

                “Yea, I’m thinking that too. I just wish they would get on with it already,” Zayn vented, his patience being tried.

                Liam looked at Zayn and marveled in just how different he seemed even now as they waited for the unknown. Ever since Zayn had spent some time soul searching, Liam could see the change in him. He seemed happier and healthier. Even now, as they were thrusted back into another unknown situation regarding Barry, Zayn seemed to be handling differently and much better.

“Why are you staring at me? Is there something on my face?” Zayn asked wiping at his skin.

Liam laughed, “No, no you’re fine, sorry. I was just thinking.”

“About?”

“I’m just so impressed by how you’ve been handling everything.”

Zayn gave Liam a soft look, “I’m still kind of freaking out a little inside, but… god, I am so tired of Barry and all his games. That man can literally take nothing else from me, I won’t allow it. I’ve given him so much of myself, too much of myself for too long. No matter what they come in here and tell me… it can’t be as bad as what he’s already done to me.”

The honesty in Zayn’s eyes, in his words, were what struck Liam so poignantly. He was so impressed, “Everything you’re saying is true and… I’m just so amazed by you!”

It was inspiring for Liam to see Zayn trying so hard, to have finally turned the corner he had been hovering so long. He was worried that maybe this would weaken their connection, Zayn being so much more independent, but it had done nothing but strengthen it.

Zayn flashed that smile that always got Liam right in the stomach, “I would have never gotten here without you. You’ve been my rock this whole time.”

There was such a rush inside of Liam, he was sure he’d never felt like this about anyone before, “And I’ll keep being whatever you need me to be.”

They stared at each other, lost in each other’s gaze when the door suddenly opened causing them to jump apart. It was pretty obvious by the face the man was wearing that he knew he had just interrupted something.

“I apologize for the loud boisterous entry. I should have knocked,” he said as he stuck his hand out to shake Zayn’s, “I am District Attorney Colin Gerrity.”

Zayn shook it as a few people filed in behind the Attorney, one of which was Detective Cower, “Colin, this is Zayn.” he told Gerrity.

“Yes, I recognized him from the pictures,” he said examining Zayn’s face, “Your face healed exceptionally well. I would never know what had happened if I hadn’t seen the pictures.”

Instinctively, Zayn reached up and ran his fingers along his cheek, where a scar certainly would have been if not for the fantastic job his plastic surgeon had done stitching him up.

                “How are your other injuries? Have you fully healed or are you still dealing with some residual effects?” he asked before taking a seat.

                Zayn hadn’t really thought about his injuries in a while, except for his back, he thought about the scars on his back a lot. Everything seemed to have healed. There was no pain in the places there was once pain and there didn’t seem to be any lasting effects either.

“I'm good, things are okay,” Zayn said hoping that he would drop the subject now.

“Good I'm glad to hear that, you've been through enough.”

Zayn just gave a soft smile and nodded, not really knowing what to say to someone he had never met. It felt strange, that this man knew so much about him and what he had been through but they had never uttered a word to each other. Needless to say, he just tried to ignore it the awkwardness. This was all going to be okay, he just knew it.

“Well, I’m sure you both wondering why we dragged you down here,” he said with a laugh, obviously trying to lighten the mood. Zayn forced out a laugh, Liam didn’t.

“Is this going to be some more bullshit about how Barry was able to pull a fast one on everyone and Zayn is the one to suffer? Because it’s always Zayn who suffers when things like that happen,” Liam blurted out.

Zayn was shocked and he looked at Liam with wide eyes and grabbed his hand. From serious look on Liam’s face he could tell wasn’t joking, “Hey, it’s okay babe,” Zayn said leaning in close. Liam looked at him his expression softening, “It’s okay,” Zayn repeated.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt anymore. You’ve had to go through so much hurt.”

Zayn smiled warmly and squeezed Liam’s hand, “It’s going to be okay.”

“He is Liam,” the Attorney interjected, “that bastard isn’t getting away with anything, I can guarantee you that.”

                Liam relaxed a little but didn’t say anything in response. The only thing he did was squeeze Zayn’s hand back.

                “Alright, let’s get right too it,” Gerrity said trying to move everything along, “There are some things I need to inform you about and some things that I want to discuss with you.”

                Zayn just nodded, swallowing around his anxiety

                “First and foremost, Barry Anderson has been arrested and he was denied bail this time considering what happened last time. He’s been charged with multiple crimes, including kidnapping, assault, assault with a deadly weapon, sexual assault, multiple counts of rape, harassment and several other charges. If he’s found guilty on all these counts, I can guarantee you he would never walk out of prison. He’d die before he could serve all the time he’d get.”

                It wasn’t that Zayn didn’t know all these things, but hearing it from someone in the position of power this District Attorney was in, made it real. For the first time, since all of this started Zayn really felt like he might win.

                “So what does this all mean? Does this mean that you think he is going to get convicted of all these charges?’ Liam asked his voice much calmer but still stern, still ready to fight to the death for Zayn if he had too.

                “Well… that’s why I called you here.”

                Liam huffed and threw himself back in the chair, his nostrils flaring. Zayn was waiting for another outburst of anger, but all he got was an annoyed expression on Liam’s face as his stare drilled into the Attorney’s face.

                Whether Gerrity was bothered by it or not, Zayn couldn’t be sure; he made no reaction and his vibe stayed the same, “I need to talk to you about the case we are putting together against Barry.”

                “Okay?”

                “Here’s the thing, Barry’s going to prison. I know that, you know that, Liam knows that, Detective Cower knows that and I’m sure his team of lawyers knows that. There is no way out of this for him, the evidence is stacked too high and it’s pretty irrefutable. However, a trial is hard even in cases as open and shut like yours. Trials take a toll on people, in particular the victims and their loved ones. Trials drag a lot of things to light and sometimes it can be extremely traumatic…”

                “Are you trying to convince him to drop the charges?” Liam nearly yelled.

                “Absolutely not, on the contrary!” Gerrity said finally showing a crack in his composure, “I’m trying to make him understand, make both of you understand, what exactly a trial can and probably will do to him.”

                He looked at Zayn and Zayn could read the sincerity in the Attorney’s eyes. This wasn’t smoke and mirrors, this was the truth. So Zayn let him continue so he could get all the information before he let himself think about what any of this could mean.

                “I’m going to very blunt with you Zayn. We don’t want to go to trial.”

                “What?!” Zayn said feeling like his heart was in his throat.

It was unexpected and it felt like they had just gotten slapped in the face. Liam was about to jump across the table and ring someone’s neck.

                “No, please let me finish!” Gerrity pleaded.

                Zayn was angry but he knew he needed to hear him out. So he grabbed Liam’s arm one last time and gave him a silent request to not say anything... just yet.

                Once they were both silent, Gerrity continued, “Like I said, trials are difficult even in the strongest cases. We don’t want to drag you and Niall through that. You’re celebrities, you create a lot of buzz and I know your teams have done a miraculous job from keeping this out of the press. But a trial… you’d be playing with fire. There is almost a guarantee of a leak to the press and it would almost certainly come from Barry’s team. What better way to harass you, stress you out during a time that you would already be under immense stress, than fill the media in on what happened.”

That thought was terrifying to Zayn. He didn’t want to hide what happened to him, he had told the people that mattered what happened, but the thought of the whole world knowing his secret when the secret wasn’t even told by him… it made his sick to his stomach. It would be one of the worst things to ever happen. Zayn couldn’t even think about it.

“I’m not trying to be a prick, honestly. I just feel like we’re going on circles. I don’t really understand what you’re trying to accomplish right now. All that matters to me is Zayn and what is going to be the best situation for Zayn. I’m confused and I just want to know what you’re getting at,” Liam explained having kept his anger at bay this time but not his frustration.

“We want to cut a deal with Barry and avoid a trial.”

Zayn’s brain hurt, “A deal?” he questioned sounding almost horrified, “No, I want him to go to prison; I want him to get what he deserves.”

“He will be going to prison…” Gerrity tried to explain, but Zayn wasn’t listening.

“I want my day in court! I want him to know that a group of people think he’s guilty, that what he did to me was wrong!” Zayn yelled.

He had so much hope, so much positive feelings about this meeting and now he felt like it had been ripped from him violently.

“You will Zayn, I promise! Please let me explain.” Gerrity pleaded again.

Zayn didn’t want to hear it, but he couldn’t take any more heartache. He had found peace and he wanted to keep it. So without any other option really, he nodded for the DA to talk as Liam put an arm around him.

“Zayn I want to start by saying I can promise you that you will get your day in court, you will get your opportunity to address him, the court and the judge if you so please. And this deal is not going to be a slap on the wrist. This man is looking at a life sentence if he’s found guilty of all the charges with no chance of ever getting out. All we are going to be offering is a something a little smaller, 25 years to life with the possibility of parole after 25 years. It doesn’t seem like much but his lawyers would be fools not to advise him to take it with all the evidence we have against him.”

Zayn listened to what Gerrity was saying. So this wasn’t that bad; there was no reason to freak out. Relief washed over him, “That’s it, that’s what you’d offer him?” he asked regaining his composure.

Gerrity nodded, “Yes that is the deal. I don’t want to pressure your decision Zayn. In fact I want you to know that you disagreeing or agreeing might not be our ultimate decision. But I… I want to hear what you’d want, what choice you’d be happy with it because ultimately this is about you. I want you to feel like you have some control.”

“Do I have to tell you now?” Zayn asked his mind swirling all of this information around like it was the spin cycle, “Can I have some time?”

“Of course, we have to present it by Friday or we have to put the paperwork in to set a court date. That’s the catch; I need to know your choice within 48 hours.”

Zayn nodded, not sure what else to say.

“I’m sure you will want to talk this over in private and with your family. If it were me I would too and please don’t feel pressure either way. Just thinking about the pros and cons, weigh them out and take the time you're given. There is no right or wrong here.”

Zayn agreed and after a few more trivial details, the attorney guided everyone out of the room. He gave Zayn his direct phone number to reach out in the next two days with his decision and left it like that. Once Zayn and Liam were in the car they sat in silence for a few moments.

“What are you going to do?” Liam asked quietly.

“I don’t know… I really need to think about it.”

Liam nodded, “I’m here to give you advice if you need it, but I think you should maybe think about this on your own first. I want you to make the decision that’s yours.”

“I know… you’re right,” Zayn said taking Liam’s hand as Liam put the car in drive.

It wasn’t the worst thing in the world. There would be justice either way, but Zayn wasn’t sure if it would be the justice Barry deserved or just the easiest choice. He could see the pros and cons of both decisions and right now he couldn’t see if one was going to outweigh the other. These next 48 hours would be tough and he only hoped that in the end, the decision would be the right one.


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, as always thanks again for commenting and leaving kudos and reading! I'm glad everyone liked the last chapter and look I'm finally posting within a reasonable time frame as the last chapter lol! Anyway, I hope you like the next Chapter. Thanks again everyone!

It had been an entire day since the meeting with District Attorney and Zayn had yet to make a decision. There were thousands of conflicting thoughts swirling around his head and every time his thoughts seemed to be guiding him in one way, a different thought would drive him back the other way.

Gerrity was right when he said there was no wrong choice. Zayn could see that they both had positive aspects, but unfortunately, there also was no right choice either or at least that’s how Zayn was feeling. To him, taking the deal was like letting Barry win one last time. There would be no trial, no moment when a group of people would look at everything he had done and say yes, you sir are a monster. There was no jury to tell Zayn, we believe you.

But to not take the deal, that was tough choice too. Taking the deal would mean Zayn was guaranteed some sort of justice for what had been done to him. It would never take away the scars, but it would be enough to give Zayn peace. It would be enough for Zayn to really put all of this behind him. It would also be the best way to keep everything as private as possible.

Yes, Zayn had left the band, left the life in the spotlight, but he was still a ‘celebrity’ and he was no fool. He knew that if the media even got a sniff of a story like this, it would be like sharks when there was blood in the water. They would have no respect for his pain. They would have no respect for his privacy. They would dig and dig and dig until they found one crumb that lead them to another and then another. It would leak and it would turn into a media frenzy.

Zayn had considered that maybe one day he would tell the world his story. He was sure that there were other people like him and maybe speaking out would help those people come to terms with their own ordeals. Maybe it would help other people who were as innocent and naive as he was. Maybe he could teach them to keep their guards up around people in power because you never know who the wolf in sheep's clothing is. Maybe he could make them understand that no matter what power they hold, they have no right to hurt you, it gives them no right to take anything from you and don’t to keep quiet like he did. Zayn like to think that one day he would share it, but it was his story share, not anyone else's. And going to trial, his story might be ripped from him too.

So now after 24 hours of think about everything over and over again, he was exhausted. Liam had been right about him trying to make this decision on his own, so nothing could influence him or sway him. But he needed advice, he need guidance because he was getting nowhere alone.

“I miss you,” his Mother said gently through the phone.

“I miss you too,” he told her.

They hadn’t seen each other since he had gone to stay with Liam. It wasn’t his plan to stay away from her this long, but when Barry had called it had set him in a tailspin. He made a silent promise that when this was all over; the first thing he was doing was going to see his family.

“So what’s going on? How are you doing?” she asked.

Zayn could sense the apprehension in her voice. She had been that way every time he spoke with her since he told her about videos. Unsurprisingly, she hadn’t taken it very well; surprisingly his father took it worse. They were ready to hop on the next flight to LA, his mother to comfort him, his father to make good on his promise that he was going to inflicted bodily harm on Barry. Zayn had talked them back, made them understand that he was okay and everything was going to get better now. So it wasn’t all that surprising that she was on edge whenever Zayn called.

“Well… I want to talk to you about something...”

“Okay...?” she said with bated breath.

He took a deep breath, worried about how his mom was going to take this, “They want to cut a deal with Barry. They don’t want to go to trial…”

It hung in the air, suspended on a string, “What do you mean?” she asked her voice tight.

“The District Attorney met with me yesterday and... they want to avoid a trial.”

“What kind of a deal are we talking about here?”

Zayn could hear the anger, the curtness in her voice. He wasn’t used to hearing his Mother like that. It was rare he saw her like this, “25 years to life with a possibility of parole after 25. If he was convicted during the trial… he could get life without parole.”

Trisha took a deep breath and when she spoke her voice seemed lighter, the anger not so obvious, “Well what would the advantages of the deal be?”

“The Attorney is worried his team would leak the story to the press and… well you know how that would go...”

“Of course that bastard would do something that, so he could hurt you again, so he could control you one more time!” Trisha said with a burst of anger.

Zayn closed his eyes and tried to push away the sicken feeling that churned in his stomach. Over the last several therapy sessions, he was becoming more and more aware of how obsessed with him Barry really had been. It was never something he had thought about before, but now he couldn’t forget. And Zayn was sure that Barry, in an effort to keep that control, keep whatever part of Zayn he could still get to, he would leak all of this to the press.

“I get it, but I don't want to run away because of fear. I’ve let my fear of him control me for too long,” Zayn confided.

“Oh sweetheart, you are not running away from anything. You have been so brave throughout this whole process. Just know that whatever you decide has nothing to do with fear. You need to do what you think is best, whether it’s taking the deal or leaving it.”

“But that's just it Mum, I don't know what I think is the best. The trial would make him have to be accountable. A trial would mean… that other people believe me, that people think he should pay too! But the deal would be a guarantee of justice and just…” Zayn sighed feeling like shit for what he was thinking.

“And just what? Baby tell me.”

“It would be so much easier… I wouldn't have to face him and what he did to me in detail day in and day out. I'm in a good place finally and I just want to stay in it! God I sound like such a coward don't I?” Zayn confided.

“Oh god no baby, you are not a coward! You are so strong and you deserve to have peace! It's okay to want to do something easy for once because what you’ve been through has been so hard. Honestly, I'm worried the toll a trial could take on you…” his mother explained.

They fell into a silence as Zayn processed her words. He knew what she was saying, “so you think I should agree to the deal?”

“Zayn I don't want to make that decision for you. Even as your Mother it's still not my choice it's yours,” she explained.

“Mum, I know it's my choice, but I want to know what you think… please?” His voice was soft and desperate needing guidance, needing her guidance.

“Zayn, sweetheart, if I was making this choice for you… if it was my choice, I'd agree to the deal. It's not taking the easy way out; it's not being a coward. It's you finally taking care of yourself. I think a trial would be torture for you.”

He thought about it for barely a few seconds, having no doubt that she knew what was best for him, “I think you're right Mum,” he said.

“Don't let me make this decision for you Zayn,” Trisha was quick to remind.

“I'm not. I... I’m agreeing with you, I think I've been thinking the same thing but I was too scared it meant I was weak.”

“Baby you're the strongest person I know. You've been through hell and back! Whatever you choose that's the right choice, it’s as simple as that!”

Zayn felt himself smile as he closed his eyes feeling a little calm come over him, “I love you Mum. You always know what the right thing to do is.”

“Well, I am your Mother and Mother’s always do know best,” she joked

“Yes you do,” Zayn agreed, feeling so undeservingly lucky to have her as his Mum, “I love you.”

“Oh darling, I love you too, I love you with all my heart!”

*********

Zayn came down the stairs to see Liam sitting on the couch, typing furiously on his phone. He seemed to be deep in concentration and Zayn didn't want to interrupt him in case it was important. So he tried to be a quiet as he could when he reached the bottom of the stairs.

“Did you talk to your Mum?” Liam's voice said as Zayn tried to sneak around the corner into the kitchen.

He spun around, “Yeah, I did. I'm sorry I didn't mean to interrupt.”

Liam made a face and put his phone down, “I'm not doing anything that's more important than you.”

A soft smile spread across Zayn's face but he still stood in the same spot, not sure what to do next.

“Are you just going to stand there or are you going to come sit next to me?” Liam said as he patted the spot next to him.

Zayn didn't hesitate. He walked over and sat down next Liam, “So what did your Mum say?” Liam asked.

“She gave me good advice...”

Liam turned his body and gave Zayn a look of annoyance, “are you going to make me pull this out of you?”

It was surprising, to say the least, because that what Zayn was doing. He blinked a few times before reaching forward and touching Liam's leg tenderly, “No, that's not what I'm trying to do at all,” he explained.

Liam's face softened too, “Then tell me… please?”

Zayn looked down at his hand on Liam's leg and sighed, “I… I want to know what you think first, I want your advice too. And before you tell me no, I'm already pretty sure what I'm going to do. I just… Liam you're the most important thing to me and I really want your input.”

Liam took Zayn’s other hand in his own, “Babe, I just don't want your choice to be because it’s what I think...”

“I know,” Zayn cut off, “but your opinion matters to me because you matter the most to me.”

Liam took a deep breath before nodding and then speaking, “I think you should go with the deal.”

Zayn was surprised at how quickly it came out of his mouth but relieved that they were on the same page, solidifying his decision.

“Zayn I just keep thinking about what a drawn out process a trial could turn out to be and what hours on end every single day of hearing and reliving the worst parts of your life could do to you. I think you should think about what's the best for your mental health and not give him anymore of your time and energy.”

Liam's face was expressive as he was spewing out his thoughts. They were rolling off his tongue like a steamroller. When he fell silent, he looked at Zayn's who was just watching him and turned a deep shade of red, “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been so...”

Zayn leaned forward and cut of Liam's words with a soft kiss. Liam melted into it instantly, “What was that for?” he asked breathlessly when their lips parted.

“I’m going to tell them that I’m on board with the deal.”

Liam nodded before kissing Zayn again, “did your Mum tell you to take the deal too?” He asked nuzzling his nose against Zayn's.

“Yeah, but it was still my choice. I really just want to get this over with. I want to move on… completely,” Zayn confided.

Liam's arms pulled him into a tight embrace, “It's over babe. It's really going to be over.”

Zayn breathed Liam in as he nodded in agreement. He tried to imagine how life would feel once it was said and done, how different would he feel? None of that mattered though because he was safe and free and he had all he called have hoped for. He had Liam.


	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, I just want to start off as always by saying thank you so much for still reading leaving comments and kudos on the story. Now I want to apologize for the lack of updates. My sister was in a serious car accident and has been recovering from some serious injuries. It's been really stressful for my family and myself and I just haven't had time to work on the story or my chapters. Now that she's starting to recover I've had some time to myself and been able to escape back into my story and was able to edit this chapter. I'm excited about this chapter I really hope you guys like it, again I'm very sorry for the lack of updates. Enjoy everyone!

> It had been almost a week since Zayn had called the District Attorney and told him his decision and since the moment he hung up the phone, Zayn felt like a new person. He felt lighter, happier and he was sleeping better. Being intimate with Liam was easier and he felt more comfortable pushing his boundaries. Everything in Zayn’s life just seemed better.

                The note in Harry and Louis’ front door said, _Come in, we’re on the patio_ , when Liam and Zayn walked up to their doorstep. Harry and Louis were back in LA, as was Niall and Louis had been pretty adamant that they all should get together. Things hadn’t been this positive in a long time and Louis thought they should celebrate a little.

                Liam and Zayn did what the note said and walked through the house and out onto the patio. Louis, Harry and Niall were all sitting around the table when they stepped outside.

“You know leaving a note like that on your door while leaving it wide open isn’t really safe,” Liam said.

“I’ll take that into consideration when you adopt me and become my father,” Louis snapped as he shoved a few tortilla chips in the mouth.

“Louis!” Harry said smacking him with his free hand, the other holding a spatula.

“Ow!” Louis said with a laugh as he rubbed the spot Harry had just hit, “what was that for?”

“You’re being rude!”

“No I’m not… it’s only Liam!” he said with a laugh.

“He’s right Harry; he’s not being rude he’s just being Louis. And Louis has been and always will be a first class wanker!” Liam said with a smile.

“Good one Payno,” Louis said with a laugh.

Zayn rolled his eyes at their never ending bickering and walked towards Niall who was sipping his beer with an amused look on his face. The first thing Zayn noticed was how good, how healthy Niall looked. It was great to see.

“Hey,” Zayn said placing a hand on Niall’s shoulder.

Niall smiled up at him, his face filled with the same joy it used to carry before everything had happened. He jumped up from his chair and threw his arms around Zayn, “Hey!”

Zayn hugged him back, “You look amazing Niall, how are you doing?” he asked quietly wanting the conversation to stay between them.

Niall pulled back and looked directly into Zayn’s eyes, “I’m doing really great, really really great!”

Zayn knew Niall had gone home to see his family and from the looks of it, it had a profound impact on him, “I’m so glad to hear that, mate!” he said that squeezing Niall tighter.

                Liam appeared next to them and Zayn let him have his moment with Niall as he turned and took a seat next to Louis. Harry was beginning to carry food from the grill over to the table.

                “Babe, what are you doing? Let me get that,” Louis said jumping up from his chair.

                “No, no it’s okay! You cooked everything, the least I can do is carry it to the table.”

                Zayn watched them. He watched the way there always seemed to be minimal space between them, they always seem close enough to touch. He watched the way Louis gently grabbed the two plates from Harry’s hands and Harry tried to give him an annoyed look but it really only showed fondness. Out of instinct he stole a glimpse of Liam and hoped that they would one day be this in harmony with one another other.

                “God, that all looks so good. I’m starving!” Niall about yelled bring all of them out of their thoughts.

                No one waited another second before diving into the BBQed food that Harry and Louis had made for them, “So, Niall how was Ireland?” Louis asked as soon as he was settled.

                Niall barely finished chewing before he answered, “It went really well! I was nervous, you guys know that. I hadn’t seen my brother since everything happened and… I really didn’t know what to expect, but he was so supportive and it all worked it out. It was the best decision I ever made, going home.”

                “So you guys talked?” Harry asked.

“Of course, that was half of the reason I went home.”

"I'm really glad that you were able to work it out. You deserve at least that," Zayn told him.

Niall smiled and dove back into the plate, “Thanks mate, so do you.”

“So what made you decide to come back to LA?" Liam asked helping himself to another hot dog.

No one said anything, but they could all read the change in Niall’s demeanor. It was subtle, but it was obvious that his face was tighter, “Detective Cower called me… needed to talk to me about the case against Barry.”

That made Liam and Zayn take notice. Zayn was wondering if they had reached out to Niall as well. He was a little surprised Niall hadn’t reached out to him about it though.

“Did they ask you about a trial too?” Liam asked before Zayn could.

“What about the trial, you haven’t told us anything?” Louis said cutting them off.

Zayn felt a hint of annoyance towards Liam and his big mouth until he looked at him and saw the look of remorse on his face. Louis and Harry had known Zayn had flown back here and found out about the videos but Zayn hadn’t gotten around to telling them about the recent developments. It wasn’t that he didn’t plan on telling them, he had every intention of doing it today, Zayn just didn’t want them to find out like this.

“I met with the District Attorney and they let me know they are considering offering Barry a plea deal… avoid a trial if they can. They talked to me wanted to know what I wanted.”

Louis’ eyes got wide and Harry seemed dumbfounded. No one said a word for a few solid seconds, “Is that fair? Is what they want to offer him fair… to you I mean?” Harry asked quietly.

“No!” Niall blurted out.

All four heads turned and gaped at him, “What?!” Zayn asked caught completely off guard.

Niall seemed to realize he had said more than he wanted too, “The District Attorney told me about the deal…” he said trying to reel himself back in.

“And?” Zayn asked, “What did you say?”

Silence fell all over them as Niall looked down at his plate, his fork dancing with his food. He said nothing at first, then he looked up with a small smile and cleared his throat, “I didn’t say anything… they didn’t ask for my input. They only told me about it.”

“They didn’t ask you?” Liam asked, “They should have asked you too!” clearly annoyed at the lack of interest in Niall’s opinion on the matter.

Niall looked down again, his fork once again playing with his food. Harry could tell right away that Niall might not be being truthful and he wondered if anyone else was picking up on it. It wasn’t a hard thing to figure, Niall never could lie well.

“If they did ask you, what would you have said?” Zayn asked softly.

                Zayn was confident in his choice, he was sure he made the right decision. But Niall was the closest he was going to come to finding someone else that went through what he had gone through. Now he wanted to know what Niall would have choice, to see if maybe he would have decided something different.

                No sound came from Niall even when he looked up with a unreadable expression. When he finally opened his mouth to speak, his phone started buzzing on the table. The look of relief that flooded his face didn’t go unnoticed by Harry. And Harry was nearly certain that Niall wasn’t telling them the complete story.

                “I’m sorry guys, I really need to take this,” he said standing up his phone in hand.

                “Seriously, right now… in the middle of this?” Louis asked.

                “Yea Tommo, it’s important. The time difference is big and she…” he trailed off getting ten shades of red before turning and rushing into the house.

                “Did he just say she?” Liam asked turning to the other guys.

                The idea that it might have been a girl on the other end of that phone call was enough to become the most important topic of conversation for the moment.

                “Yeah, I heard that too,” Louis confirmed.

                They all agreed that Niall most certainly used the pronoun ‘she’ and they were anxiously waiting for a chance to interrogate him not only about who she was, but why she was important enough to make him leave his plate of food.

                “So… did you decide about the trial?” Harry asked.

                He didn’t want to bring back up such a heavy topic, but he needed to know the details. No matter how much he tried to pretend he wasn’t, the fear for his safety as well as Louis’ was ever present when Barry was free to roam the streets. It would be nice to know how long he could live in peace with the knowledge that he was locked away.

                “I told them I want them to offer him the deal…” Zayn said, going into a shortened version of all the reasons why.

                “I think that was a really smart choice… how long will he be going away for if he takes the deal?” Harry asked, trying not to let his fears show.

                Louis picked up on it and gave him a comforting look before reaching for his hand. Harry took it, grateful to feel the strength in Louis’ grip.

                “At least 25 years…” Zayn said quietly.

                No said anything, all there brain's processing the information differently as the conversation stalled, “You know I would never have told you take the deal if the death penalty was on the table.”

                “Liam…” Zayn said caught completely off guard by Liam’s outburst.

                “You’re making the right choice babe, but I’m not going to lie… if they were going to put the option of death on table, I would have wanted that. I’d want him to die for what he did…” Liam confided, his voice growing darker, deeper.

                Zayn closed his eyes and let his feelings come out as words, “I wouldn’t want… I want him to suffer… the way he made me suffer…” he said barely loud enough for them to all hear.

                Liam reached over and ran his hand across Zayn’s face, “That is exactly what’s going to happen… he’s going to suffer for a long time!”

                Zayn just nodded and pressed his face into Liam’s touch, loving the feeling of Liam’s hands on him. Louis and Harry just a exchanged a glance, both smiling at the exchange between Liam and Zayn happening in front of them.

                Just then, Niall came back out and all four boys turned their attention to him. Niall avoided their eyes as he went back to his seat. He said nothing as he started eating again. Finally, he looked up, his mouth half full of food, “What?!” he asked.

                “Who is she?” Louis asked.

                Niall turned his face in such a ridiculous expression, that he wasn’t fooling any of them, “Whose who?” he asked.

                “For love of god Niall, are we really going to do this?” Louis said, shocked that Niall was playing so coy when he should know better than to think the four of them were going to back down.

                “She’s a friend…”

                “So there is a girl?!” Harry said not able to hide his excitement.

                “Bullshit, you ran out of here like your pants were on fire when she called… she’s more than just a friend! What’s the deal Horan?” Louis said.

                Niall sighed and rolled his eyes like he was annoyed but they all knew better then to think he actually was, “She’s the sister of one of my mates from school. I’ve known her forever and we bumped into each other when I went home… We exchanged numbers and we’ve been talking…”

                They could all see the color that was flushing Niall’s cheeks and Louis had to resist the urge to call him out on it, “You like her!” Louis said instead.

                “Of course I like her, we’re friends!”

                “No, you like her!” Liam chimed in.

                “Shut up Payno… so what if I do!?” he found himself admitting.

                They all laughed and eventually even Niall laughed with them, “What’s her name?” Zayn asked softly.

                Niall smiled, “Abigail.”

                “We’ll I hope it works out for you and Abigail.”

                “Like I said, we’re friends… but I’m not opposed to something more if it headed in that direction.”

                Harry turned to Louis and gripped his arm hugging himself close to his body, “Look at our Niall, growing up!” he joked.

                “Shut up Harry, I’m older than you!” Niall said with a laugh.

                Harry narrowed his eyes in a playful way, “Age is just a number!”

Louis leaned over and kissed Harry’s cheek lovingly, nuzzling his nose to Harry’s skin for a few extra seconds, “Why don’t you tell them babe, I know you’re dying too.”

“Tell us what?” Liam asked wanting both Louis and Harry to know he heard them. Once Liam knew there was a secret to learn, he had to know.

Harry’s eyes lit up and smiled wide, “Yeah? You don’t want to wait till we tell our families?” Harry whispered back.

                “Nah, let’s do it now.”

                “Come on tell us!” Niall demanded.

                “Yeah, come on,” Zayn agreed.

                Louis and Harry locked eyes and for a moment Liam thought they might dive into one of their many make-out sessions, but they just smiled at one another before turning back towards them, “We’re getting married,” Harry said, his smile so big it looked like it hurt.

                Liam, Zayn and Niall made no reaction. This was nothing new. Harry and Louis have been ‘getting married’ for years, “Okay?” Liam asked still waiting for the reveal.

                “We’re getting married,” Harry said again.

                “No offense, but you guys have been telling us this since 2013,” Zayn said.

                Louis laughed and acknowledged the truth in that statement with a nod, “Well, yea that’s true but this time…”

                “We set a date and booked a venue! We’re really getting married!”

                It was like all three of them, Liam, Zayn and Niall, reacted to something at the exact same time. There was a pause before they all yelled out in happiness.

                “Oh my god guys!” Zayn said.

                “Holy shit!” Niall exclaimed.

                “That’s so awesome,” Liam yelled.

                Harry and Louis once again looked at each other and brought their foreheads together before sharing a short tender kiss, “I love him so much and after everything that’s happened…” Louis started.

“We just didn’t want to wait any longer. I want to marry my best friend,” Harry explained.

Liam was the first one on his feet going to them, gesturing for Harry and Louis to get to their feet. He pulled them both in for a deep embrace, having seen their love blossom from the beginning. No two people deserved this more than them.

“Congratulation guys, I am so so so happy for you!” he said when they finally broke their embrace.  

“Thanks Payno!”

He pulled back to let Zayn and Niall have a turn at hugging the guys. Once they all had said their congratulations, Liam leaned over for his beer, “I think we should toast,” he said.

Niall seconded the idea and they all picked up their drinks. Liam reached for Zayn’s hand gripping it in his own.

“To two of my best friends in the entire world, I wish you guys nothing but the best and I know people would be hard pressed to find two people who loved each other as much as you two love each other!”

They clinked glasses and drank to Liam’s words. Each one of them ready for the new journey life was sending them on.


	52. Chapter 52

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy everyone, where do I even start? Well, thank-you if you're still interested and are going to read this story. Thank you for leaving feedback and kudos!!! I am so so so sorry for the lack of updates. As I said last time my sister was in a pretty bad car accident and she has been in the hospital for the last several weeks. My life has been chaotic and hectic and not my own for awhile. She is on the road to recovery (FINALLY YAY) so that means I have free time back and the first thing I did was write a chapter and edit this chapter! So I am NOT abandoning this story! Again, I'm sorry.   
> Anyway, on to the update, I really hope you enjoy this chapter. There is a pretty graphic sex scene in it just an FYI. :) Thanks again everyone and I promise to have another update next week!!!

                Zayn’s eyes were closed as he burrowed deeper into Liam’s chest, trying hard not to drift into a content sleep. They were snuggled together in bed as Liam rubbed his scalp in gentle circular movements.

                “You’re going to miss the end of the movie,” Liam whispered as soon as he noticed Zayn’s eyes had fluttered closed.

                “No I’m not,” Zayn mumbled with a smile.

                “Yes, you are, you’re falling asleep.”

                Zayn took a deep breath and as much as he didn’t want to move, he did anyway. He pushed himself up and onto his elbows so he could look into Liam’s eyes.

                “I’m awake, see,” Zayn winked.

                “Yeah, now you are,” Liam said trying to make himself seem annoyed when it was obvious he wasn’t.

                “Shut up!” Zayn told him, poking Liam’s chest.

                Liam laughed as he grabbed Zayn’s finger and pulled him for a kiss. Their lips locked softly, like two pillows laying one on top of the other.

“I had fun today,” Liam said his kisses lingering, wanting more.

                Zayn teeth nipped at Liam’s lips, “So did I. I’m so happy for Harry and Louis.”

                Liam moaned just a little when Zayn finally let his mouth drift away, “So am I, no one deserves it more than them!”

                Zayn nodded. His hands found Liam’s face and his lips grazing Liam’s cheeks. Liam brought his arms tightly around Zayn, holding him close.

                “It’s crazy though. I always knew they were going to get married, I mean they’ve been talking about it forever, but… they’re really getting married! It’s just… nuts,” Zayn giggled.

                But Liam froze, “What do you mean it’s nuts?”

                His face was hard and serious. Zayn noticed that right away and quickly back tracked his words, “I didn’t mean anything bad by it. They’ve just been talking about this for so long and… I mean... they’ve always been Louis and Harry but they will actually be Louis and Harry. Why… what did you think I meant?”

                Liam’s face turned red, “Nothing…”

                It was Zayn’s turn to make a face this time, “Okay, then don’t tell me,” he said with enough sarcasm to get the reaction he was looking for.

                Liam sighed, “I don’t know… I thought maybe…”

                He looked away and Zayn thought he knew what was wrong, “Do you think I have some kind of problem with them getting married?”

                “No… I…it’s just... I mean… you know how I feel about you, right?”

                “Yea, of course I do!” Zayn said.

                “No... but like, do you really know? Like do you understand how much I care about you?” Liam said his voice shaking just a little.

                Zayn cupped his cheek gently, “Of course I do babe… And I’m sure you know I feel the same way about you. But… what does this has to do with Louis and Harry?”

                Liam swallowed around nothing and made sure there eyes were locked together, “I… I would like to think that maybe… that could be us… one day…”

                Zayn was stunned. All he could do was stare at Liam, shocked that he felt that way, shocked that he felt the same way he did. He dove forward and nearly fell on top of Liam, holding him.

                “I love you, I love you so much!” was all he could say, squeezing his eyes closed as breathed Liam in.

                “I mean... not yet, but like...one day, yeah?”

                Zayn put his finger up to Liam’s lips quieting him, before pulling back and replacing his finger with his lips, “Oh babe, yes, yes yes yes!”

Relief washed over Liam and without waiting another second, he cradled the back of Zayn’s head and kissed him deeply. Zayn moaned into it knowing this kiss was different, this kiss had a destination. Within a matter of seconds Liam’s hands crawled down his back and his fingertips played with the waistband on Zayn’s underwear.

“I’m trying to figure out why these are on,” Liam whispered his lips moving across Zayn’s jaw and nibbling down his neck.

                Zayn’s breath caught in his throat as he tried to steady himself on his elbows, the sensation of Liam’s lips electrifying, “I don’t know… why are you still wearing yours?” he asked, his voice quivering.

                Liam pulled back just enough to give Zayn a sly smile, “I don’t know… you want me to take them off?”

                “Do you want me to take mine off?” Zayn flirted back.

                Liam danced his eyebrows before he flipped them over. Zayn was now on his back with Liam hovering over him, but barely a few seconds later Liam pulled back, the desire in his eyes gone.

                “What’s the matter?” Zayn asked leaning up on his elbows.

                “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have done that without…”

                Zayn’s hand came up and covered Liam’s mouth, “Stop, it’s fine.”

                “Are you sure?”

                “Liam…” Zayn said giving him a look.

                Liam knew the look and laughed just a little before diving in for a kiss, running the tip of his over Zayn’s lips. It drew out a soft moan from Zayn before he opened his lip, giving Liam all access. He wrapped his arms around Liam’s back, pulling him close, their chests now skin to skin.

                Zayn felt that familiar stirring inside him and he knew whatever they were starting he was desperate to finish. His nails grazed down Liam’s back as Liam’s mouth latched onto his neck.

                “Fuck…” he gaped.

This just ignited Liam to apply a little more suction and kept doing what he was doing. He was entranced by the feeling of Zayn coming undone underneath him. He was desperate to leave his mark on Zayn’s skin, knowing anyone who saw would know that Zayn was his and only his.

Zayn gripped harder, his nails digging even deeper into Liam’s back extracting a hiss and a grunt.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Zayn said pulling his hands away.

“Don’t be, I kind of like it,” Liam confided.

“Filthy.”

Liam’s only response was to grind his hips against Zayn’s, eliciting a loud gasp. The sensations prickled his senses. Zayn’s fingers once again clawed at Liam’s back dragging lower and lower. They didn’t stop when they reached the waistband of his underwear, instead they slipped under and inside without hesitation. Liam’s hips jutted again when Zayn grabbed his ass in both hands and squeezed.

Their make-out session was growing hotter, heavier, both men grinding against each other like they needed it to live. Zayn couldn’t stop himself and it took Liam by complete surprise when he reached around and gripped Liam’s cloth covered hard penis.

“Fuck Zayn...” Liam moaned the pressure of Zayn’s hand making him see stars.

“God, I want you,” Zayn said feeling spontaneous, feeling so strong.

Liam didn’t respond with words. He pushed his hips forward into the palm of Zayn’s hand. It was like a green light behind Zayn’s eyes and without even thinking he let his fingers dance their way into Liam’s underwear, wrapping his hand around Liam’s dick.

“Jesus,” Liam said in a low guttural moan.

                Zayn’s started stroking him up and down, nothing but an unquenchable need for Liam running through his body and down into his hand. He stroked it several times, before attempting to pull Liam’s underwear down, the fabric getting too restrictive.

                As soon as Liam lifted up trying to allow Zayn to pull them down, Zayn took the opportunity to flip him onto his back.

                Liam let out a little chuckle that drove Zayn even wilder and he wasted no time nearly ripping the fabric from Liam’s body.

                “Damn Zayn, you’re an animal!”

Zayn was kneeling between Liam’s legs, his bottom lip caught between his teeth as he watched every inch of Liam’s skin come into view. He threw the underwear somewhere across the room and wrapped his hand around Liam’s cock, placing kisses on his stomach.

“I want you so bad! I don’t know what’s gotten into me,” Zayn confided.

Liam laughed again, “I don’t either, but god, I love it!”

Zayn had a tight grip as he stroked up and down. Liam’s eyes drifted closed as he hung his head back and he let himself succumb to the feeling. His body felt like it was going to light on fire between Zayn’s hand and his lips trailing soft wet kisses across his abdomen.

Liam forced his eyes open, wanting to admire Zayn’s crescent shaped eyes and the way they looked up at him. He brought his hands down to brush the hair out of those eyes when it started to fall.

Something, a desire, popped into Zayn’s mind. He was scared, terrified, but he felt safe. He felt like nothing bad could happen in this bubble, in Liam’s bed, in their bed. And all he knew was he wanted try. His lips stopped but his hand didn’t as he rested his cheek on Liam’s stomach and looked up at him.

“What?” Liam asked his voice airy.

“I want to try something…”

                Liam tried to clear his head a little, which got much easier when Zayn lifted his head and stopped moving his hand.

“Okay?” Liam asked.

                Zayn took a deep breath, “I… I want to… I want to try giving you a…” he said his eyes gesturing down to Liam’s erection.

                It took a second or two for what he was saying to click in Liam’s mind. He was nearly speechless, “Zayn…?” was all he could get out.

                “I really want to Liam… I mean... I really want to try.”

                Liam needed a moment, a full moment to gather himself, “Zayn... that’s... Are you are really sure you’re ready for… that?”

                Zayn bit his lip, “I don’t know for sure if I’m ready but… I don’t think I’ll ever know for sure if I’m ready unless I just… do it. You’re my boyfriend and I love you… and… I want to make you feel as good as you make me feel… I want to do this Liam,” he explained, being completely honest.

                “Baby, I don’t give you blowjobs so one day I can be like okay, you owe me. I do it because I want too, because I enjoy doing that to you…”

“That’s exactly why I want to try. I want to make you feel good… the way you make me feel good. Liam… please?” Zayn pleaded.

Liam knew he was being sincere but he was still worried. Was Zayn really ready for this? What would happen if he wasn't? But all those fears were quieted when he stared into Zayn's eyes. He wanted to do this and Liam couldn’t fight it.

“Okay… but only if you promise, like swear that you will not force your way through this. If it gets to be too much you will stop, okay!?” Liam demanded cupping Zayn's chin with a gentle stroke of his thumb.

“I promise,” Zayn agreed.

Without another word Zayn shifted lower until he was directly over Liam’s groin. He looked down and swallowed hard. Liam was big, really big and Zayn was wondering if he could handle him. He was wondering if he really would be able to do this.

“Babe… you don’t have too…” Liam said softly running his fingers through Zayn’s hair.

Zayn didn’t answer with words, instead he gripped Liam’s dick in his hand slowly brought it towards his lips. Once it was close enough, he tentatively stuck his tongue out and licked the underside of the head.

Liam’s entire body went rigid at the contact, electrifying every centimeter of his body. He gasped and nothing but pride filled Zayn and that was enough to drive him to do it again and then again.

He was nervous, but he was okay. So far he wasn’t scared and he felt in control. So, he kept licking, flicking at the sensitive head with his tongue. Zayn decided to try to go a little further. He opened his mouth and slowly locked around the tip of Liam’s penis applying a gentle suction.

“Oh fuck,” Liam moaned in such a primal fashioned, it was highly obscene.

The sound of Liam’s voice drove Zayn wild, coaxing him to take a little more into his mouth. The taste of Liam was the first thing he noticed. It was strong, but surprisingly, Zayn didn’t mind it. And he even found himself applying more suction in hopes of tasting him some more.

Zayn brought his hand up to meet his lips before stroking back down. Slowly he began bobbing his head, letting his tongue drag along the underside of Liam’s dick as on each pass.

“Oh… oh my god…” Liam gasped, his hands searching for something to grab ahold of, careful not to touch Zayn’s head instead settling for the bed sheets.

Zayn couldn’t help but moan, feeling the quiver running through Liam’s body and knowing he caused it. It drove him move his head quicker, suck a little harder. All he wanted was to bring Liam pleasure.

He dove down even further this time, feeling the thickness of Liam touching the back of throat. He gagged just a little before pulling back, his mind reeling, remembering all too well the horror of being forced to do that.

“Hey!” Liam said right away noticing something was wrong.

“I’m fine, I’m fine…” Zayn panted, his hand still stroking at Liam as he tried to regroup.

“You don’t have to…”

“Please don’t!… I want to do this… I just…” Zayn explained, his lips placing a kiss to the tip forcing all the negative thoughts out of his head.

                “Well… just don’t push yourself… too far,” Liam explained.

                “I just want you to feel good.”

                Liam stared into Zayn’s eyes and reached for him, “Babe, I feel amazing. You’re doing perfect. You don’t have to push yourself for me okay? Baby steps,” Liam explained softly, only wanting to do this if Zayn was enjoying it too.

                “You mean it?” Zayn asked.

                “Of course I do!”

                Zayn smiled only for a moment for diving back down onto Liam. He picked up seemingly where he had left off, although he was careful not to go too far, keeping his hand moving where his mouth just couldn’t.

                Zayn found his rhythm rather quickly and soon after his mind was blank again, only thinking about making Liam feel nothing but pleasure. He lips tightened like a vice and his hand squeezed with a purpose.

                “Dear god…” Liam panted.

                Zayn let his eyes drift up and he watched Liam’s chest move in quick shallow breaths. He watched as Liam threw his head back in pleasure.

When Liam looked down, he was knocked breathless. Zayn’s soft brown eyes, his already pronounced cheekbones, more pronounced as they hollowed out around him, were gazing up at him and he nearly lost it.

“Oh shit!” he moaned, “I’m so close Zayn, I’m so, so close.”

Zayn sucked a few more seconds before pulling off with a small pop, knowing that there was no way he could risk Liam… doing that. He wasn’t ready for that. Instead, he licked down Liam’s shaft until he reached Liam’s balls, bringing them into his mouth as his hand continued to stroke up and down.

“Holy hell!” Liam yelled as his vision started to get blurry and he squeezed his eyes shut trying so hard to not fuck into Zayn’s hand. He was going to explode.

It was Zayn’s moans and the sound of his lips all over him that finally sent Liam over the edge. He grunted loudly and let loose, pumping into Zayn’s hand as shot after shot came out of him. All the while, Zayn’s lips never left Liam until his orgasm was completely over.

Zayn placed one small kiss on Liam’s thigh before crawling back up. He stared down at Liam trying to calm his breathing. When Liam finally looked up at Zayn, he had never been more in love.

“Get over here!” he said grabbing him and pulling him in for another kiss.

It was lazy kissing for a while until they rested their foreheads together, “Was it okay?” Zayn asked nervously.

“Are you kidding me? It was amazing!” Liam told him attacking him with kisses all over his face.

Zayn laughed but pushed him away after a few moments, “Seriously, did I do good?”

                Liam’s face grew serious and he held pulled him closer, “It was perfect, you are perfect.”

                Zayn closed his eyes as he let his face fall into the crook of Liam’s neck, reveling in the fingers running over his back. He could stay here forever.

                “Was I loud?” Liam asked suddenly.

                “What?” Zayn laughed.

                “Was I loud… ya know… when you were doing what you were doing?”

                “A little, but I like it. You curse a lot…” Zayn admitted brushing the hair out of Liam’s eyes.

                “Do I?”

                “Oh yeah!”

                “Damn…”

                They both laughed and embraced again, curling into one another as they relaxed into the pillows, “I can’t believe I did it…” Zayn said.

                “I can’t either; I thought it would take you a lot more time.”

                Zayn had thought that too. Even at one point he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to do it, and yet here he was.

                “God, I’m so proud of you!” Liam said squeezing him tight.

                They fell silent just cuddled together until eventually; Liam turned Zayn over, his eyebrows dancing over top of him.

                “What?” Zayn asked.

                “It’s your turn.”

                “Shut up,” Zayn said.

                “Oh yes. Now lay back and relax.”

                Zayn wasn’t going to fight him about that especially when he started kissing down his chest. He closed his eyes and decided he was just going to lose himself in whatever was going to come.


	53. Chapter 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thank-you so so so much for still having interest in this story and reading. I am so sorry that I disappeared again after the last update. Life has been hectic at best and I just haven't had much time to work on anything. I finally got around to writing some more and editing this next Chapter. I am not abandoning this story, I promise. Updates might take me a little longer here and there but I am still invested and interested and am going to try to get up my chapters like I used too, once a week! Anyway, I hope you like the net chapter and the next update will be soon!!! I promise!!!

It had been a lazy day for Liam and Zayn so far. They had barely taken showers and changed their pants before curling up together in their favorite spot on the couch.

                “Ya know, we’re like the most boring couple ever,” Liam said kissing Zayn’s forehead.

                Zayn looked up at Liam confused, “What do you mean?”

                “I mean all we do is lay around and watch TV. I mean sometimes we do a few other things,” he said with a wink, “but we don’t really do much else.”

Not that it was Liam’s intention, but Zayn was offended. He pulled back and have him a hurt look, “I’m sorry I’m boring,” he said, his voice low.

                Liam immediately sat up, a look of panic on his face, “No, no, no! I didn’t mean anything against you. It’s about me! We never do anything because I should take you out more and like treat you to nice things…” Liam tried to explain but trailed off with a sigh falling back into the cushions and closing his eyes, “Ugh... I should just never say anything because everything I do say comes out wrong.”

                Zayn immediately felt bad. He should have known better then to think Liam would ever say something like that to him.

                “Well... what did you mean babe?” Zayn asked gently taking Liam’s hand.

                Liam opened his eyes, “l’m a crappy boyfriend and I should take you out more.”

                “You can… or we can keep doing this. Don’t think you have to do those kinds of things for me. I would love to do those things but I also love cuddling up all day with you on the couch. Honestly, even though it sounds so corny, just being with you is enough no matter what we’re doing.”

                Tenderly, Liam brought his lips to Zayn’s hand, “I really want to take you out more.”

                “Then take me out more,” Zayn said with a laugh.

                “Okay, go get dressed. We’re going out for dinner.”

                Zayn was caught off guard, “Wait... right now? Like tonight?”

                Liam leaned forward and kissed Zayn’s lips, “Yes, right now, tonight. Go get ready!”

                Not another second was wasted and Zayn got up and headed upstairs to get dressed. There was no way to describe how much his life had changed in the last few weeks. Zayn had navigated through his demons, sometimes he still was, but that was happening less and less and he finally was beginning to feel like a complete person.

Barry was off his mind more than he was on and since Barry had always been on Zayn’s mind, it was a little surreal. He had Liam, his boyfriend, his first real proper boyfriend. They were living together. They were making decisions together like real couples do. They were being intimate.

Zayn had given Liam a blow job the other night, the first one he had given willingly since he was a teenager. It was a huge step for him, no freak out, no panic attack, only the pride he had after because he had been responsible for making Liam, the man he loved, feel good.

                Last year he would have probably had a heart attack in a situation like that, but now he was already looking forward to doing it again. So much had changed, some not so good but also some wonderful. Zayn was finally the closest he’d been in a long time to being happy.

                He changed his shirt quickly and threw on a clean pair of jeans, ready to head back down to Liam when his phone rang. He wasn’t going to answer, not even going to look at it his phone actually, but something told him to. Detective Cower’s name was flashing back at him as it crossed his screen.

                “Hello?” Zayn said, as he reluctantly answered.

                “Hi Zayn, it’s Detective Cower. How are you doing?”

                Zayn felt the sting of worry inside him, but he quickly pushed it down. There was nothing to be worried about, the detective and District Attorney had both said so, “I’m okay, how are you?” he responded politely.

                “I’m good Zayn, thanks for asking. I have District Attorney Gerrity sitting here with me.”

                “Hello Zayn,” the District Attorney’s voice sung through the phone.

                “Hi,” was all Zayn could squeak out, the little sting now feeling like a basketball in his gut.

                “We're just going to get right too it, okay?”

                There was a pause, obviously waiting for a response from Zayn only for Zayn to remain silent. He was standing still, his phone pressed up against his ear just waiting for whatever it was they were about to tell him.

                “Barry’s attorney got back to us a little while ago… he rejected the deal.”

                Zayn felt sucker punched. He walked half hazardly over to the bed and collapsed on to it. Barry rejected the deal… He wasn’t sure what it meant, but he knew whatever it was wasn’t good.

                “Are you okay?” Detective Cower asked.

                Zayn wasn’t sure if he was okay, “I… I don’t… what… what does this mean? What does this mean for me and the case and what happens to Barry?” he asked letting his thoughts flow freely from his lips.

                “It means we are going to have to go forward with a trial.”

                Zayn closed his eyes and fell forward, his hands covering his face as he kept the phone to his ear. When Barry had finally got arrested and all of this was set in motion, Zayn had set himself up with the expectation that he would be going to trial. His body and his mind had come to a certain kind of piece with that idea, but when they had offered him the opportunity for a deal, talked about it with near certainty, that changed everything. Zayn was able to breathe a little easier knowing that things would be better for him. He wouldn’t have to suffer through a trial. Now all that had been taken away from him and he was going to have to find the strength to go to battle.

                “Zayn, it’s not the end of the world, it might be better,” Detective Cower spoke, “He’s taking a big chance going to trial because we have an airtight case against him and you’re a likable guy. A jury is going to be very sympathetic with you.”

                He knew that was supposed to help but it didn’t make him feel all that much better, “So that’s it. There’s no option besides a trial now?” Zayn asked ignoring everything Detective Cower had just said.

                “Well there is still time for Barry to change his mind. He has until the judge who gets appointed sets the first hearing date,” the District Attorney chimed in.

                There was a flicker of hope somewhere inside of Zayn, “So there’s still hope?”

                “Here’s the thing, we are going to go ahead with this as if we are going to take it to trial and he changes his mind or wants to work out a different deal we will take it from there.”

                Zayn took deep breath and resigned himself to it. If he knew anything, it was that Barry would do whatever he could to make Zayn’s life a living hell and right now, the only control he still had was forcing a trial. Zayn should have known.

                “So we’re going to have to start getting you ready for the trial. We need your testimony Zayn, so I’m asking you now. It’s going to be hard, it’s going to be emotional, it’s going to reopen some your wounds, but it will all but seal his fate. Will you testify?”

                What choice did Zayn have, “I… I guess…” he whispered

                “Zayn, I’m sorry but we need a yes or no,” Detective Cower said.

                He took another deep breath, “Yes,” he croaked out.

                “Thank-you Zayn, you take care of yourself okay? And I will be in touch.”

                The phone call ended and Zayn sat still on the bed in silence as he let the conversation really sink in. There was no deal. All the stuff they were nervous about might happen. All the things they were trying to avoid were now a very real possibility. Zayn was going to have to testify staring at the man that ripped him apart for years. Was this ever going to be over?

Zayn wasn’t sure when the tears started but they were flowing out of him quickly now. He dropped his head into his hands and his phone fell from his grip as he cried softly.

“Hey, what’s taking so… Zayn?” Liam’s voice said coming out of the silence.

Zayn looked up at him with tear streaked cheeks, “Zayn, what happened!? What’s the matter!?”

Liam was in front of Zayn within a matter of seconds, his hands grabbing Zayn’s face gently.

“I’m going to have to testify. Everything they think Barry’s going to do... he’s going to do,” Zayn cried, letting all his walls down.

There was confusion on Liam’s face, “What… I’m confused Zayn, what happened?”

“He didn’t take the deal, they just called me. They are planning on going to trial.”

Liam closed his eyes, let out a heavy sigh and pulled Zayn into his arms, “Oh god baby, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Zayn let himself come undone and cried hard, gripping ahold of Liam. After a few moments, Liam pulled Zayn back just enough so he could look him in the eye, “It’s going to be okay, I can’t tell you how I know this but I do! It’s going to be okay. I’m here for you, your family is here for you and the boys are here for you. We will get through this, you will get through this!”

Zayn nodded and sniffled a few time stopping his tears, “I just wanted it to be over and I was so sure that it really was this time. I just don’t want to have to live through all that pain again.”

Liam gripped Zayn’s hands and took a minute to relax himself before speaking, “You’re going to be okay and I am going to be right here the whole time to make sure of it!”

Zayn looked down at their hands clasped together and realized that no matter what happens Liam was right, they would get through this together.

“Babe?” Liam asked worried about Zayn’s silence.

He looked up at smiled at Liam’s warm brown eyes, “I… think I’ll be okay, as long as I’ve got you.”

“You do love, you always do!” Liam told him closing his lips around Zayn’s.

Zayn’s closed his eyes and savored the feeling of Liam, knowing that he would be his rock through this storm just like he had been for so long now.

When they pulled apart Zayn’s fingers danced down Liam’s cheek, “Can we still go to dinner?” he asked quietly.

Liam pressed his forehead to Zayn’s and gave a laugh accompanied with that scrunched up face Zayn loved the most, “Absolutely!”

“Yeah, you still want to go?”

“Of course, as long as you’re up for it!”

Zayn sighed, “I just want to get out and get my mind off of all this for a little while.”

Liam studied Zayn’s eyes with his own as a thought occurred to him. He pulled away and took his hands one more time, “I have an idea.”

“Okay,” Zayn urged him on.

“We should take a trip. Go visit your parents and mine. Get out of LA for a little while before we have to start… all of this.”

Zayn was a little surprised, but he had been dying to see his parents and sisters. And Liam’s parents… well, “Do they know about us Liam? You’re parents I mean?”

Liam laughed, just once, “No, I just felt like that was a conversation I wanted to have in person.”

“And you think bringing me with you to do that is the best way to go about that?” Zayn asked not at all surprised that Liam hadn’t said anything to his family.

He knew he wasn’t embarrassed or hiding it. Liam was always so preoccupied with Zayn’s needs and wants that he never worried about his own and that included keeping his family in the loop about his personal life.

“Yeah, I do. I mean they love you, I love you, that’s all that really matters.”

Zayn just nodded in response.

“So you want to go or what?” Liam asked.

Getting out of LA sounded like that best idea he’d heard all day even if it telling Liam’s parents about their relationship, “Yeah, let’s do it.”

Liam smiled and pulled him off the bed, “Then it’s settled. I’ll book our flights after dinner. But first let’s go get something to eat first.”

Zayn nodded and rested his head on Liam’s shoulder as they left the bedroom arms wrapped around one another.


End file.
